<Mumbling under breath> “Damned dragon no sense of time or understanding of press deadlines! I could make pearls faster than he can come up with a lousy couple of paragraphs of hooey for the opening!”
<Loud banging on office door with shelligh> “LET’S GO ALREADY! War & Peace it will never be! DO NOT make me come in there!”
<Door cracks slightly, scaled arm extends a single sheet of nearly totally indecipherable mess of chicken scratch> “You problem Leprechaun is that you have no appreciation for or understanding of the creative process” “On the contrary Impish, my problem is I have TOO MUCH appreciation for and understanding of the creative process!”
And now lets see what Impish’s “creative process” hath wrought for opening comments shall we? PICTURES! An hour past deadline and he wants PICTURES in the opening!!! Grrrr!
Dear Mother Nature,
On behalf of myself and the rest of the creatures, both mythical and not, down here on this round ball of rock that we call home, and of which we know that you are in charge of, we humbly and completely apologize for all the moronic and asinine comments that have been made in regard to this so-called “Global Warming.” Please understand that said comments have been made by a very small, misinformed, attention seeking, spotlight grabbing, control seeking, evil minority that speak loudly, but don’t speak for all of us. Please don’t let these ridiculous comments entice you to continue to prove that “Global Warming” is nonsense by prolonging the cold and snow that seems to now be in endless supply:
(Editor’s note: these are current shots of the weather conditions outside the dragon’s den)
I call uncle! Pax! Hold! We’re sorry….now….
Shall we PLEASE get on with the laughter!
Warming Up, lets get on with that too! Reasonable temps in the Mid South would be really appreciated too!
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing
aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
WHOA! Wait! WHAT?! He found a FULL SERVICE STATION??!!!
IT WAS SO COLD THAT…..
Since at least 49 of the 50 states have experienced cold temperatures this winter, here are some descriptions of cold
you can throw in to conversations with your friends who are wintering in the Caribbean etc.
1. We had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
2. Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
3. Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
4. When I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the Spring!
5. The optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new paid of eyeglasses!
6. Kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pj’s haven’t thawed out yet!”
7. Pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers pockets just to keep them warm!
8. The squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!
9. Grandpa’s teeth were chattering – in the glass!
10. The dogs were wearing cats instead of chasing them!
11. Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!
12. Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!
13. The rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle!
14. We had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our parkas!
15. When the cows were milked, we got ice cream! Milking the brown cows, we got chocolate ice cream!
16. Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off!
This is a video of a homeless man in Santa Barbara and his pets. They work State Street every week for donations. The animals are pretty well fed and are mellow. They are a family. The man who owns them rigged a harness up for his cat so she wouldn’t have to walk so much (like the dog and himself). At some juncture the rat came along, and as no one wanted to eat anyone else, the rat started riding with the cat and, often, on the cat!
The dog, will stand all day and let you talk to him and admire him for a few chin scratches. The Mayor of Santa Barbara filmed this clip and sent it out as a holiday card.
A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said “I want to be a movie star.” Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, “What’s your name?”
The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.”
The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”
“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.”
The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”
“So be it! I guess we will not do business together” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.
FIVE YEARS LATER…… The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed…
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Dick van Dyke
(I don’t care who you are, that’s funny.)
Been a while since we raided the Larder for a good recipe. Besides how often to you find a decadent desert that’s (relatively) Guilty free?
Double Chocolate Pudding Pie
Eating Healthy in 2009. Copyright 2006 Ellie Krieger, All rights reserved.
Prep Time: 15 min Inactive Prep Time: 3 hr 0 min
Cook Time: 20 min Level: Easy
Serves: 8 servings
* 14 graham cracker squares (7 full sheets)
* 2 tablespoons butter, melted
* 1 tablespoon water
* 1 tablespoon unflavored gelatin
* 1/3 cup boiling water
* 2/3 cup sugar, plus 1/2 teaspoon
* 1/3 cup cocoa
* 1/4 cup cornstarch
* 1/8 teaspoon salt
* 3 cups 1 percent low-fat milk
* 2 ounces bittersweet chocolate, chopped
* 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
* 1/4 cup heavy cream
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Spray a 9-inch pie plate with cooking spray.
In a food processor, process the graham crackers until finely ground. Add butter and water and process until the crumbs clump together. Press the crumb mixture into bottom of pie plate and about 1-inch up the sides. Bake for 10 minutes, then let cool.
In the meantime, make the pudding. Put the gelatin in a small bowl, add the boiling water and stir until dissolved. Set aside.
In a medium saucean mix the 2/3 cup of sugar, cocoa, cornstarch and salt. Gradually add half of the milk, whisking until smooth. Whisk in the rest of the milk. Turn the heat on to medium and cook, whisking constantly, until the mixture thickens and comes to a boil, about 10 minutes.
Remove from the heat. Add the chocolate and stir until melted. Stir in the vanilla and reserved gelatin. Pour the mixture into the pie crust and let set for 3 hours in the refrigerator.
Whip the cream and remaining 1/2 teaspoon of sugar. Before serving, garnish the pie with the whipped cream
True Tales of the Life of Impish Dragon – Chapter 7
This says it all about getting older & the whole aging thing.
Mr. & Mrs. Impish Dragon are attending church services.
About halfway through, he writes a note and hands it to his wife. It says, “I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?”
She scribbles back, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
Impish Dragon was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came
across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known
primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife, with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest shmucks get the most attractive wives.”
Mrs. Dragon replies, “Why thank you, dear!”
Tech Support: ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.’
Impish Dragon: ‘OK.’
Tech Support: ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’
Impish Dragon: ‘No.’
Tech Support: ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Impish Dragon: ‘No.’
Tech Support: ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’
Impish Dragon: ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.’
The waitress was waiting about as patiently as could be expected while Impish was slowly going over the
breakfast menu. (no doubt his lips were moving while he sounded out the big words)
Being a smart ass, he said to Lethal the other guy in the booth, and loud enough for her to overhear,
“I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of the sausages I’m served with my eggs is a match in
size for my own.”
The waitress gave him a disgusted look and commented, “In that case, maybe you should be looking at the children’s menu.”
Impish and Lethal were having a beer in the Dragon Laffs Corporate Lounge.
“What’s the matter?” asked Lethal of his buddy Impish, “You look kind of down.”
“My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin.”
“Because it’s brief, unexpected and usually a disaster.”
JUST A TAP
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the still shaking driver said, “Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault today is my very first day driving a cab.
I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.