Dragon Laffs #1145


Remember when you were a kid and the closer you got to Christmas, the more excited you became?  It wasn’t just about the presents or getting off school, although, we will all admit, those were a huge part of it.  No, it was more about the whole feeling, the fullness in your heart, the tingling of your skin (and not just from the cold breeze that blew in when someone opened the front door).  It was so many little things.  Extra treats at school (and when you got older, it was extra treats at work), smiling faces where there hadn’t been very many smiles throughout the rest of the year.  Maybe “accidently” catching Mary or Susie or Laura under the mistletoe. 

It was EVERYTHING!

It wasn’t until you got just a little bit older that you realized that, even better than getting gifts, GIVING gifts was even a better feeling.  THAT’s what it’s all about.  Watching a child’s face light up as they open a present;  Bringing a cup of coffee to a bell ringer at the store; Giving an extra smile to the secretary, boss, co-worker and watching their face light up in return.

Giving your only Begotten Son to all Your children on earth, to wash away the sins of the world.

Giving…

It’s the best present of all!

We here at Dragon Laffs can’t give a whole lot to you, our loyal campers, but what we can give you is pretty special.  We try to give you the gift of laughter, the gift of awareness, the gift of friendship and the gift of love…all wrapped in a little electronic package that is delivered, every couple of days, to our humble cavern on the internet.  And you can share that gift easily enough, just by passing on our web address.

Thank you for the gifts you have given us throughout the year.  Now, let’s laugh! 

3b

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

  • Two feet of snow in the Midwest. But the good news is, these are the first shovel-ready jobs Obama has come up with since becoming president.
  • Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine’s Person of the Year. They said he has single-handedly changed the way we waste time at work.
  • 7-Eleven has announced that they are going to start selling their own brand of wine. This is for people who find the idea of buying wine at Walmart too pretentious.

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DragonPapa1 (79)

Zales calls itself “The Diamond Store” and has TV ads in which they replace “Diamond” with a different word or a phrase, such as “The Watch Her Eyes Light Up Store” or “The Because She’s Worth It Store.”

The Top 10 Realistic Slogans for Zales

– The I Make Up for Lack of Planning and Foresight in Gifts by Dropping an Asspile of Money Store

– The Guess the Kids Didn’t Need to Go to College After All Store

– The Thanks for Not Checking My Browser History Store

– The Why Do You Think a 21-Year-Old Cheerleader Would Willingly Put Out for a 50-Year Old Professor? Store

– The Oops, She Caught Me With Her Sister Store

– The In a Year, We’ll Be Fighting for It on “Judge Judy” Store

– The Try Not to Think About How Many Congolese Miners Died to Get This Here Store

– The Arbitrarily Expensive Shiny Rock Store

– The I Don’t Want Your Father to Shoot Me in the Face for Getting You Knocked Up Store

– The Secretary Will Keep Her Mouth Shut Store

– The Shut Up and Blow Me Store (Mel Gibson only)

– The I Hope This Is Covered in the Pre-Nup Store

– The Apologize Just Like Kobe Store

– The We Wants the Preciousssssss Store

and The Number 1 Realistic Slogan for Zales…

– The This Damn Well Better Be the Last I Hear About That Stripper Store

3c

Man!  How beautiful this is!

http://worriersanonymous.org/Share/Christmas/Holynite.htm 

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308

An old favorite!

couple.swf 

3d

During rehearsals for the school nativity play the little boy who was playing the part of Joseph kept persistently arriving late and more to the point, he never seemed to know his part.  Eventually, as things were not going well, three days before the dress rehearsal the teacher organizing the play switched the boy playing the innkeeper, a minor role, with Joseph.  The boy playing the innkeeper was, of course, delighted but the other child was very disgruntled.

The dress rehearsal came and all went very well except that the boy who initially played Joseph tended to be rather sulky in his new part as the innkeeper.  All boded well for the first performance the next evening and, in due course, the parents and members of staff were assembled to watch the culmination of weeks of effort and hard work.

In the main the play started well and things were flowing very smoothly.  Even the new innkeeper looked cheerful for a change.  Mary and Joseph strolled up to the door of the inn and Joseph asked if there was a room for the night.  Yes, said the innkeeper, he could find a room for Mary but, as far as he was concerned, Joseph could piss off!

Thanks to Snopes.com for that one!

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a44

a45

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.


2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way.


3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psychopath.


4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.


5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!


6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting
On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids.


7. What Do You Call a Boomerang
That Doesn’t work?
A Stick
.
 

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
Nacho Cheese.


9. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.


10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters
In Quicksand?
Quatro Cinco.


11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.


12. What Do You Get When You Cross
a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.


13. What Lies At The Bottom
Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.


14. What’s The Difference Between
Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.


15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.


16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.


17. Why Don’t Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.


18. What Kind Of Coffee
Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.


19. What Is The Difference Between
a Harley And a   Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.


20. Why Did The Pilgrims’ Pants
Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.


21. What’s The Difference Between
a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack
….“Dang! ”
A Bad Skydiver Goes, ” Dang!”
….
Whack.
 

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Kentucky Divorce The Same?
Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer. 
 
Now, admit it…
at least one of these made you smile!
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

 

3e

If you never watch another video—-you must watch this one.
 
 Thanks Dad!
This WILL BE the best 8 minutes of your day!   
 

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The Old Country Boy’s:

DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?
Fully-grown sharks range in size from 8 inches long
to 45 feet long.

Donate32222222

Boys and their toys!
Low pass

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=19448*

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k2

A good laugh for people in the “Should I really join Facebook,” over 50 group !!! 

Also for those who know people like us.

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-u-lating.”  You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or Plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.”  Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot.”

P.S. I know some of you are not over 50.  I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

3f

The Old Country Boy’s:

DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?
If you are a male, and you wish to be irresistible to females,
tie the udder of a hyena around your left arm… So says a
custom from ancient Greece.

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mondays

oh my god

optimism

The missus was watching a
cooking program the other day.

I said,
“What you watching that for?
You can’t cook.”

She said,
“You watch porn.”

Bitch.

3g

Janitor’s Revenge:
How To Annoy People When It Snows

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nano31

The Twelve Daze of Christmas
 

3h

Who Started Christmas?

This morning I heard a story on the radio of a woman who was out Christmas shopping with her two  

children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.
She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year. Overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, getting that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, making sure we don’t forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.
Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff. When the doors closed she couldn’t take it anymore and stated, “Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up and shot.”

From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet calm voice respond, “Don’t worry we already crucified him.” For the rest of the trip down the elevator it was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.
Don’t forget this year to keep the One who started this whole Christmas thing in your every thought, deed, purchase, and word. If we all did it, just think of how different this whole world would be.

********************************
 
 
Don’t be stressed, we are Blessed..
 
Happy Birthday Jesus!

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I don’t care if this story is true or not, for the past 6 years or so that I’ve been doing Dragon Laffs, I’ve printed this story and said these words: “I don’t care if this story is true or not. It is the PERFECT rendition of why we celebrate Christmas and of the gift of Love that God gave to us in the form of His Son, Jesus.”  And now, for 2010, here it is again:

This is what Christmas is all about…

Better bundle up – the goose bumps will freeze you!!  I think I need to read this every year at Christmas.
 

“Pa never had much compassion for the lazy or those who squandered their means and then never had enough for the necessities.  But for those who were genuinely in need, his heart was as big as all outdoors.   It was from him that I learned the greatest joy in life comes from giving, not from receiving.

It was Christmas Eve 1881.  I was fifteen years old and feeling like the world had caved in on me because there just hadn’t been enough money to buy me the rifle that I’d wanted for Christmas.  We did the  chores early that night for some reason.  I just figured Pa wanted a little extra time so we could read in the Bible.

After supper was over I took my boots off and stretched out in front of the fireplace and waited for Pa to get down the old Bible.  I was still feeling sorry for myself and, to be honest, I wasn’t in much of a mood to read Scriptures. But Pa didn’t get the Bible, instead he bundled up again and went outside. I couldn’t figure it out because we had already done all the chores. I didn’t worry about it long though, I was too busy wallowing in self-pity.  Soon Pa came back in.  It was a cold clear night out and there was ice in his beard. “Come on, Matt,” he said. “Bundle up good, it’s cold
out tonight.” I was really upset then. Not only wasn’t I getting the rifle for Christmas, now Pa was dragging me out in the  cold, and for no earthly reason that I could see.  We’d already done all the chores, and I couldn’t think of anything else that needed doing, especially not on a night like this.  But I knew Pa was not very patient at one dragging one’s feet when he’d told  them to do something, so I got up and put my boots  back on and got my cap, coat, and mittens.  Ma gave me a mysterious smile as I opened
the door to leave the house.  Something was up, but I didn’t know what..

Outside, I became even more dismayed. There in front of the house was the work team, already hitched to the big sled.  Whatever it was we were going to do wasn’t going to be a short, quick, little job.  I could tell. We never hitched up this sled unless we were going to haul a big load.  Pa was already up on the seat, reins in hand.  I reluctantly climbed up beside him.
The cold was already biting at me.  I wasn’t happy.  When I was on, Pa pulled the sled  around the house and stopped in front of the woodshed.  He got off and I followed. “I think we’ll put on the high sideboards,” he said. “Here, help me.”  The high sideboards!  It had been a bigger job than I wanted to do with just the low sideboards on, but whatever  it was we were going to do would be a lot bigger with the high side boards on.

After we had exchanged the sideboards, Pa went into the woodshed and came out with an armload of wood – the wood I’d spent all summer hauling down from the mountain, and then all fall sawing into blocks and splitting. What was he doing?  Finally I said something.  “Pa,” I asked, “what are you doing?”  “You been by the Widow Jensen’s lately?” he asked. The Widow Jensen
lived about two miles down the road.  Her husband had died a year or so before and left her with three children, the oldest being eight.  Sure, I’d been by, but so what?

Yeah,” I said, “Why?”

“I rode by just today,” Pa said. “Little Jakey was out digging around in the woodpile trying to find a few chips. They’re out of wood, Matt.”  That was all he said and then he turned and went back into  the woodshed for another armload of wood. I followed him.  We loaded the sled so high that I began to wonder if the horses would be able to pull it.  Finally, Pa called a halt to
our loading, then we went to the smoke house and Pa took down a big ham and a  side of bacon. He handed them to me and told me to put them in the sled and wait.  When he returned he was carrying a sack of flour over his right shoulder and a smaller sack of something in his left hand. “What’s in the little sack?” I asked.  Shoes, they’re out of shoes.  Little Jakey just had gunny sacks wrapped around his feet when he was out in the woodpile this
morning.  I got the children a little candy too.  It just wouldn’t be
Christmas without a  little candy.”

We rode the two miles to Widow Jensen’s pretty much in silence.  I tried to think through what Pa was doing.  We didn’t have much by worldly standards.
Of course, we did have a big woodpile, though most  of what was left now was still in the form of logs that I would have to saw into blocks and split before we could use it.  We also had meat and flour, so we could spare that, but I knew we didn’t have any  money, so why was Pa buying them shoes and candy?  Really,  why was he doing any of this?  Widow Jensen had closer
neighbors than us; it shouldn’t have been our concern.

We came in from the blind side of the Jensen house and unloaded the wood as quietly as possible, then we took the meat and flour and shoes to the door.
We knocked.  The door opened a crack and a timid  voice said,  “Who is it?” “Lucas Miles, Ma’am, and my son, Matt, could we come in for a bit?” Widow Jensen opened the door and let us in.  She had a blanket wrapped around her shoulders.  The children were wrapped in another and were sitting in front of the fireplace by a very small fire that hardly  gave off any heat at all.  Widow Jensen fumbled with a match and finally lit the lamp.

“We brought you a few things, Ma’am,” Pa said and set down the sack of flour.  I put the meat on the table.  Then Pa handed her the sack that had the shoes in it.  She opened it hesitantly and took the  shoes out one pair at a time.  There was a pair for her and one for each of the children – sturdy shoes, the best, shoes that would last.  I watched her carefully. She bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling and then tears filled her eyes and started  running down her cheeks.  She looked up at Pa like she wanted to say
something, but it wouldn’t come out.

“We brought a load of wood too, Ma’am,” Pa said.  He turned to me and said, “Matt, go bring in enough to last awhile.  Let’s get that fire up to size and heat this place up.”  I wasn’t the same person when  I went back out to bring in the wood.  I had a big lump in my throat and as much as I hate to admit it, there were tears in my eyes too.  In my mind I kept seeing those three kids huddled around the fireplace and their mother standing there with
tears running  down her cheeks with so much gratitude in her heart that she couldn’t speak.
My heart swelled within me and a joy that I’d never known before, filled my soul.  I had given at Christmas many times before, but never when it had made so much difference.  I could see we were literally  saving the lives of these people.

I soon had the fire blazing and everyone’s spirits soared.  The kids started giggling when Pa handed them each a piece of candy and Widow Jensen looked on with a smile that probably hadn’t crossed her face  for a long time.  She finally turned to us. “God bless you,” she said. “I know the Lord has sent you.  The children and I have been praying that he would send one of his angels to spare us.”

In spite of myself, the lump returned to my throat and the tears welled up in my eyes again.  I’d never thought of Pa in those exact terms before, but after Widow Jensen mentioned it I could see that it was probably true.  I was sure that a better man than Pa had never walked the earth.  I started remembering all the times he had gone out of his way for Ma and me, and many others.  The list seemed endless as I thought on it.

Pa insisted that everyone try on the shoes before we left.  I was amazed when they all fit and I wondered how he had known what sizes to get.  Then I guessed that if he was on an errand for the Lord that the Lord would make sure he got the right sizes.
Tears were running down Widow Jensen’s face again when we stood up to leave.
Pa took each of the kids in his big arms and gave them a hug.  They clung to him and didn’t want us to go.  I could see that  they missed their Pa, and I was glad that I still had mine.

At the door Pa turned to Widow Jensen and said, “The Mrs. wanted me to invite you and the children over for Christmas dinner tomorrow.  The turkey will be more than the three of us can eat, and a man can  get cantankerous if he has to eat turkey for too many meals.  We’ll be by to get you about eleven.  It’ll be nice to have some little ones around again.  Matt, here, hasn’t been little for quite a spell.”  I was the youngest.  My two brothers
and two sisters  had all married and had moved away.

Widow Jensen nodded and said, “Thank you, Brother Miles.  I don’t have to say, May the Lord bless you, I know for certain that He will.”

Out on the sled I felt a warmth that came from deep within and I didn’t even notice the cold.  When we had gone a ways, Pa turned to me and said, “Matt, I want you to know something.  Your ma and me have  been tucking a little money away here and there all year so we could buy that rifle for you, but we didn’t have quite enough. Then yesterday a man who owed me a little money
from years back came by to make things square.  Your ma and me were real excited,  thinking that now we could get you that rifle, and I started into town this morning to do just that, but on the way I saw little Jakey out scratching in the woodpile with his feet wrapped in those gunny sacks and I knew what I had to do.  Son, I spent the money for shoes and a little candy for those children. I hope you understand.”

I understood, and my eyes became wet with tears again.  I understood very well, and I was so glad Pa had done it.  Now the rifle seemed very low on my list of priorities.  Pa had given me a lot more.  He  had given me the look on Widow Jensen’s face and the radiant smiles of her three children.

For the rest of my life, whenever I saw any of the Jensens, or split a block of wood, I remembered, and remembering brought back that same joy I felt riding home beside Pa that night. Pa had given me much  more than a rifle that night, he had given me the best Christmas of my life.”

Don’t be too busy today.  Share this inspiring message.  God Bless You!

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One Response to Dragon Laffs #1145

  1. lynn fux says:

    Hi Impish and LL,Another great Dragon Laffs. Thanks for putting the Christmas Story in again this year,should really be a year round Public Service message for what this world is supposed to be about!!! You are doing a great job of giving a homesick camper a dose of Christmas Past,Thanks

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