Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the ex-vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S’moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorrogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honorgasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = Odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn’t very satisfying = There’s the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = Scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn’t make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who’s got a really bad hairdo =
Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein’s assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms
Everyone get your legal thinking hats on…you real lawyers are already set…I’ve got this hypothetical question that’s niggling at the back of my head. Okay, here we go…
I’ve been arrested for possession of marijuana (let’s say) and I’ve been given a 5 year sentence. (Maybe it’s like the 4th time I’ve been arrested…just go with it) Now, during my 5 year sentence, proposition 119a comes up on the ballot and now possession of marijuana is legal in my state. Do I get cut loose? Do I still stay in jail because I’m being punished for something I did that, at the time, was a crime?
So, basically, the question is, what happens to someone who is in prison for something he did that is now legal to do?
Yes, these are the strange thoughts that permeate my poor brain.
Now, let’s laugh!
Yup! That’s what’s going on!
A smile – is a sign of joy. A hug – is a sign of love. A laugh – is a sign of happiness.
And friends like us?? Shit…that’s just a sign of good taste!!
We’ll be friends until we are old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends.
Liberals Sneaking Into Canada
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. “I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences,but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn’t give any milk.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves.” A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though.”
When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the ’50s. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age” an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies.
“I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them.” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history majors does one country need?”
And before I start getting the hate mail….if you read the piece carefully it is anti-liberal AND conservative. We here at Dragon Laffs will poke fun at ANYONE! We are an equal opportunity poker funner.
Here we go again!
A decidedly twisted change
Very odd
“Don’t go there, mom!”
All of theses movies for the past two days have been brought to you by a comedy group called the Vacationeers. And here’s their website: http://www.thevacationeers.com/The_Vacationeers.html and someday soon, THEY will be able to say:
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 55th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas . When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, “George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude.”
“Harriet, she’s a prostitute.”
“I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?”
“Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.”
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to Room 217. “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?”
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.
George asked, “How much do you charge?” “$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services..”
Even George was taken aback. “$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25.”
Bambi laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.”
“Well,” said George, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.”
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, “I just can’t believe it!”
George said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat dinner.”
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, “See what you get for $25?”
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, “It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” Babe Ruth
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” Dave Barry
“I drink to make other people interesting.” George Nathan
“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”
Dean Martin
WHO STARTED IT? NOT THE SENIORS
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOTthe senior citizens who took:
Themelody out of music, Thepride out of appearance, Thecourtesy out of driving, Theromance out of love, Thecommitment out of marriage, Theresponsibility out of parenthood, Thetogetherness out of the family, Thelearning out of education, Theservice out of patriotism, TheGolden Rule from rulers, Thenativity scene out of cities, Thecivility out of behavior, Therefinement out of language, Thededication out of employment, Theprudence out of spending, Theambition out of achievement or God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patienceand tolerance from personal relationships
and interactions with others!!
And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?
What about the last verse of My Country ’tis of Thee?
“Our father’s God to thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom’s Holy light.
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God our King.”
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and
pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with
their hand over their hearts!
YES, I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I’m the life of the party…… even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I’m very good at opening childproof caps…. with a hammer.
I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying.
I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.
I’m beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
I’m a walking storeroom of facts….. I’ve just
lost the key to the storeroom door.
Yes, I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am
having the time of my life!
Spread the laughter
Share the cheer
Let’s be happy
While we’re here.
Have another BEER ! ! !
=
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
A man was arrested on Black Friday at a Walmart in Palm Beach, Fla., carrying a gun, two knives, and a grenade. Residents of Palm Beach were stunned and said, “We have a Walmart here?”
There’s a Nerf automatic dart gun that fires 60 darts in 20 seconds. Our kids are so fat now that it takes 60 darts to take them down.
Federal workers have had their pay frozen for two years. The worst part is that the workers found out on WikiLeaks.
WikiLeaks has released thousands of classified documents that could be detrimental to the United States. Usually, when something this embarrassing about the United States is revealed, it’s because Joe Biden said it.
Conan
Today is Cyber Monday, the big online shopping day. It will be followed by Identity Theft Tuesday.
President Obama was elbowed during a basketball game and had to receive 12 stitches. Obama said it was almost as embarrassing as the time he was dunked on by Barney Frank.
In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we have to stand with “our North Korean allies.” When told that North Korea is not our ally, Palin said, “Sorry, I meant East Korean allies.”
Time Warner Cable is testing a premium service which sets a specific time for the cable installer to arrive. The two times available are winter and spring.
Sign in the Dragon Laffs Publications Headquarters break room. The way it works is this: when the phone rings, the bartender…I mean break room manager…will answer the phone and when he finds out who it’s for, he quickly points at the person, without saying anything, and that person responds by holding up 1, 2, 3 or 4 fingers in reference to the below picture. If he is willing to take the call he gives the bartend…manager a come on gesture and takes the call. There was one guy who decided, after the call and answer were made, not to pay the fee. I guess he figured the call was over, what could he do about it. Well, a week or so later this guy’s wife calls, the manager points at the guy and says, “Look lady, I don’t know who this is, but you can’t be bothering him at work. Besides, I just saw him walk out of here with his wife!” How do you think THAT went over when he got home that night? He ended up begging the bartender to call his wife and straighten it out. They eventually came to a monetary agreement (I heard it was 500 gold coins!) and the manager helped him out. But now, all his fees have been tripled and he has to pay ahead of time or he doesn’t get the answer he wants. The guys a nervous wreck!
We have such a playful crew here at D.L.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
If you’re a turkey or a sweet potato, congratulations on making it through the weekend alive.
It turns out that it’s not the turkey that makes you sleepy — it’s being drunk at 4:00 p.m. on Thursday.
President Obama took an elbow to the face last week and had to get 12 stitches. He was in line at Best Buy trying to get a $49 Blu-ray player.
Black Friday is getting crazier every year. On Thanksgiving Thursday, we give thanks for the truly meaningful things, and then on Friday, we go out and stab each other to save $6.99 on a Nintendo DS.
Okay, part 1 of 3 ….Some very interesting stuff sent into us by Lynn…. for you war buffs:
For all you WW II buffs and any survivors still with us, here are some interesting photos. Most of them are American, but some are British including the very interesting photos towards the end of a Spitfire doing something we probably all knew about but never saw any real evidence of.
Photos from both Pacific and European Theaters…..
Japanese Kawanishi H8K seaplane after strafing. Kwajalein
Squad of Rufe’s at Bougainville. These things were very nimble even with the damn pontoons.
The A6M2-N float plane version of the Zero did extremely well, suffering only a small loss in its legendary maneuverability. Top speed was not affected, however, the aircraft’s relatively light armament was a detriment.
Snow on deck. USS Philippine Sea North Pacific 1945
HARVS on the way in; shot by a P-47. Rare shot.
Deck crew climbing up to get the pilot out. He did. That’s a fuel tank his foot is on. Empty?
Marines disembark LST at Tinian Island.
End of part 1. Tune in tomorrow for the second part of this great photo series.
It come to my attention ’tis the holiday season and we’re all entirely too somber and sober in our off work hours. Since Impish has already laid claim to the “the beatings will continue until morale improves” approach, I thought I’d try a different tact to see if I couldn’t generate some (temporary at least) holiday cheer by offering some recipes for holiday cheer of the drinkable kind.
These recipes have all been liberated from the good people over at Food TV.com. I’ll post one ever couple of days for you to try. Don’t forget to make me one too when you do!
Butterscotch Bliss
Ingredients
* Ice
* 3/4 oz. Bailey’s Irish Cream
* 3/4 oz. DeKuyper Buttershots liqueur or butterscotch schnapps
* 1/2 oz. Jagermeister or anise-flavored liqueur
* 1/2 oz. Goldschlager cinnamon schnapps
* 1/2 oz. half-and-half
* Lemon zest
* Raw sugar, to coat glass rim
* Pinch of cinnamon
Directions
In a cocktail shaker with ice add Irish Cream, butterscotch liqueur, anise liqueur, schnapps and half-and-half. Zest lemon over shaker. Shake and set aside. Sugar the rim of a martini glass by dipping glass into a saucer of water, followed by a saucer of raw sugar. Strain drink into glass. Garnish with a pinch of cinnamon
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
LOL: Living On Lipitor
OMG: Oy, My Grandchildren!
OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
WTF: What’s Today’s Fish?
WTF: Wet The Furniture
IMHMO: In My HMO…
RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
GTG: Gotta Groan
TGIF: Thank Goodness It’s Four (Four O’Clock – Early Bird Special)
FWB: Friend With Betablockers
FYI: For Your Indigestion…
JK: Just Kvetching
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
MILF: Meal I’d Like To Forget
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
MGAD: My Grandson’s A Doctor
SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
WIWYA: When I Was Your Age (my favorite)
GOML: Get Off My Lawn
The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn’t loud, and it wasn’t too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear..
Perhaps just a cough, I didn’t quite know, Then the
sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
“What are you doing?” I asked without fear,
“Come in this moment, its freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!”
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..
To the window that danced with a warm fire’s light
Then he sighed and he said “It’s really all right,
I’m out here by choice. I’m here every night.”
“It’s my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I’m proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at ‘ Pearl on a day in December,”
Then he sighed, “That’s a Christmas ‘Gram always remembers.”
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ‘ Nam ‘,
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I’ve not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he’s sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue… an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall..”
” So go back inside,” he said, “harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I’ll be all right.”
“But isn’t there something I can do, at the least,
“Give you money,” I asked, “or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you’ve done,
For being away from your wife and your son.”
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
“Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we’re gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.”
PLEASE, would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our U.S service men and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities.
Let’s try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us.
