Good Morning!

For those of you keeping track, (Santa? Are you listening?) This was sent in by our GOOD friend K². He writes: I usually dislike anything to do with Apple products, especially the iPhone, but now I think I want one!

Table Connect for iPhone

Table Connect

I LOVE my iPhone. I have all my stuff for work on there, volumes of material that I would otherwise need a small suitcase for. Can you imagine playing Angry Birds on there? Holy cow! Way cool! It’s definitely going on MY Christmas list! Sadly, it’s still in its alpha stage, so they aren’t readily available….but I think I know a guy who can help me out with that part of it. Someone sneaky and devious, who seems to have friends everywhere and has even more employees or people that “owe” him. This guy has got congressmen and senators in his pockets, not to mention judges (which makes his law practice VERY lucrative.)

Anyway, you guys go ahead and start laughing, I’m gonna track my friend down and see what I can get worked out.

Now, Let’s Laugh!

<”Hey! Any of you guys seen Mr. Leprechaun? No? How about you gnomes over there? Any of you guys seen Lethal?…”>

To all my Italian friends and family, and a few who are not – enjoy! …and if you’re from Brooklyn, New Joysey, or Long-Guyland, you’ll really appreciate this!

Eye–Talian

Why do Italians hate Jehovah’s Witnesses?
Because Italians hate all witnesses.

Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY

You know you’re Italian when . . . . You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can’t fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.

You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on the same block. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5′ 9′, it is presumed his Mother had an affair.

There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

And you REALLY, REALLY know you’re Italian when…

Your grandfather had a fig tree.

You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

Your mom’s meatballs are the best.

You’ve been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.

You know how to pronounce ‘manicotti’ and ‘mozzarella.’

You fight over whether it’s called ‘sauce’ or ‘gravy.’

You’ve called someone a ‘mamaluke.’

Believe it or not, this is NOT from Zack…it’s from Bluejay! Just as bad, though…

A mountain climber had a very harrowing experience while caught in an unexpected blizzard — barely escaping with his life, he was finally rescued and brought down the mountain. Examination showed that both legs were severely frostbitten and some amputation would have to be performed. After surgery, he was sorely disappointed to receive a note from his fiancee instead of her physical presence. Seems she couldn’t marry him due to his condition. She was “lack-toes” intolerant.

Yup, I put it in this issue because it is an outstanding picture. Good, crisp, clear virgin snow arouses the imagination as to winter and Christmas… I’m sure there are several of you out there who have a snow-bound and trapped fantasy…well, this is for you!

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

“Excuse me Missie, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?”

To which she stops doing her tasks,looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,”Fook off, ye’ll no bring it back!”

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. Sam Levenson

A four-year-old was showing a little friend the family photos that covered one wall in their basement. Out of sight but not out of earshot, her mother overheard her say, “Here’s a picture of my Mommy when she was a little girl. I wasn’t there, but people say she used to be nice.”

I’m sorry…I’m throwing the red challenge flag out onto the field.

“Team Dragon is challenging the ruling on the field that the players is sane, contending that he is, in fact, full-goose-bozo.”

Come on people! This can’t possibly be right. This dude is obviously screwed in the head. He has at least one and possibly all three of his cranium support straps broken. Send him to maintenance, he is, without a doubt, FUBAR!

In the hardware store where I work, a man stood with his three young sons. He appeared to be thinking when I asked, “May I help you?” “I know I need something else but I can’t remember what it is,” the man said. Then he looked down at his boys. “Okay, you guys, besides the bed and the bathroom door, what else did you break this week?”

Melita – Sixty Second Coffee
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjKsD6Q-tDQ

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, “Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?”
The judge said that was true.
“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig, ‘Mrs. Johnson’?” the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig ‘Mrs. Johnson’ with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”

Kevin: “My wife and I argue a lot. She’s very touchy, the least little thing sets her off.”

Christopher: “You’re lucky. Mine is a self-starter.”

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, gentlemen?” There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis – shaken not stirred and says, “That’ll be 40 cents, please.” The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other – they can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and or! der another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with! The bartender again saying, “That’s 40 more cents, please.”
They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They’ve each had two martinis and so far they’ve spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?”
The bartender replies, “No doubt you’ve noticed the decor in here. And the outside ain’t nothin’ to write home about. I don’t waste money on that stuff. But, here’s my story. I’m a retired Master Sargent and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same.”
“Wow. That’s quite a story.” says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn’t help but notice three other guys at the end of the! bar who didn’t have a drink in front of them and hadn’t ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, “What’s with them?”
The bartender says, “Oh, those are retired Marines. They’re waiting for happy hour.”

Who me? Uh uh! I ain’t sayin’ nothin’ ‘bout Marines! No sir! Not me!

I’m not sure that the standard warning is enough for this one…but it’s the best I can do:

A prison inmate had his prosthetic leg confiscated after he used it in a brawl with another prisoner. When the inmate found out the authorities were taking away his leg, he was hopping mad.

The Old Country Boy’s

DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?
The lifespan of a taste-bud is ten days.

Doctors will tell you that if you eat slowly you will eat less. Anybody raised in a large family will tell you the same thing.

T-Mobile….Welcome Back!

The Old Country Boy’s:

DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?
It is estimated there are over 1 million ants for every
person in the world.

Since we did bar jokes yesterday, it’s only fitting that we let Zack have a day….

Q: Who weighs 6000 pounds and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant

Q: Wha’t big and grey and can fly straight up?
A: An elecopter.

Q: What do elephants do for entertainment?
A: Watch elevision.

Q: How do elephants communicate?
A: They talk on the elephone.

Q: How do you tell if there is an elephant in your refrigerator?
A: Look for his footprints in the cheesecake.

Q: How do you tell if there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: Look for two sets of footprints side by side.

Q: How do you tell if there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: The door won’t close.

Q: How many giraffes will fit in the refrigerator?
A: None: there are already too many elephants in there.

Q: How do you get an elephant into a Volkswagon Beetle?
A: Open the door, insert elephant, close door.

Q: How do you get 4 elephants in a Volkswagon?
A: Two in the front and two in the back.

Q: How do you know if an elephant is visiting your house?
A: There is a Volkswagon parked outside with 3 elephants in it.

Q: How do you get 8 elephants in a refrigerator?
A: Put 4 elephants in one Volkswagon, put four elephants in another Volkswagon, and put the two Volkswagons in the refrigerator.

Q: But two Volkswagons won’t fit in a refrigerator.
A: There were two elephants in there, and a Volkswagon isn’t as big as an elephant!

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the refrigerator?
A: You can’t. There is only one Tarzan!

Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: With two scoops of ice-cream, a bottle of cream soda, and an elephant.

Q: Why are elephants large, grey, and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, white, and smooth they would be aspirins.

Q: Why did the elephant wear dark sunglasses?
A: So he wouldn’t be recognized.

Q: What did Tarzan say when the elephant came up over the hill?
A: Nothing. He didn’t recognize the elephant because he was wearing dark sunglasses.

Q: What did the cat say to the elephant?
A: Meow.

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: So they can hide in the strawberry patch.

Q: But there aren’t any elephants in the strawberry patch!
A: See, their camoflauge is working.

Q: How do you get an elephant to the top of an oak tree?
A: Plant an acorn under him and wait 50 years.

Q: What if I don’t want to wait 50 years?
A: Put a parachute on the elephant and drop him from an helicopter.

Q: How do you get an elephant down from an oak tree?
A: Tell him to sit on a leaf and wait until autumn.
Q: Why are alligators long and flat?
A: They must have gotten too close to the oak tree.

Q: What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
A: About 3000 miles.

Q: What’s the difference between an elephant and a flea?
A: An elephant can have fleas, but a flea can’t have elephants.

Q: What’s the difference between an elephant and an egg?
A: If you don’t know, I hope you don’t do the grocery shopping!

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: It was the chicken’s day off.

Q: Why did the Frenchman sprinkle salt on the road?
A: To keep elephants away.

Q: But there are no elephants in France.
A: See, it’s working!

Q: What do you do with a blue elephant?
A: Cheer him up.

Q: Where is the best place to see a herd of charging elephants?
A: On television.

Q: How do you keep an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.

Thanks to our resident Crusty Old Coastie Mike for turning me on to this outrage

California school boy ordered to remove U.S. flag from bike
* November 12th, 2010 10:22 am PT
http://www.examiner.com/conservative-in-spokane/california-school-boy-ordered-to-remove-u-s-flag-from-bike

Officials at Denair Middle School near Sacramento, California, ordered 13-year-old Cody Alicea to remove an American flag from his bike after receiving complaints from other students.

The youngster has flown the flag from his bike for two months in honor of veterans like his grandfather, but officials said the display could cause “racial tensions”.

Superintendent Edward Parraz agreed that Cody does have a First Amendment right to display the flag, but noted the display comes with a responsibility, which apparently means hiding his patriotism for his own country.

California school relents, Cody Alicea can fly his flag
* November 12th, 2010 12:36 pm PT
http://www.examiner.com/conservative-in-spokane/california-school-relents-cody-alicea-can-fly-his-flag

School officials in Denair Middle School have relented and will now let young Cody Alicea fly his American flag on his bicycle.

Earlier reports of the order caused a storm of outrage nationwide, even prompting comments from national talk show hosts Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck. The Blaze reports:

Beck used the analogy of a family being co-opted by an intrusive neighbor

And Limbaugh asked why it is the offended “always win”.

What Mike sent me:

Many of you heard the story about Cody Alicea and the School Board telling him he had to take his American Flag off his bike. Well here is…

Discussion link:
HUNDREDS OF RIDERS WITH US FLAGS Escort Cody Alicea to School Today

Leprechaun weighing in~

While it KILLS me to agree with Beck or Limbaugh on ANYTHING (right up to what time it is), when right is right on you occasionally have to bite the bullet. Such is the case here, as BOTH are 100% on the money with their points of view and their comments for once (hey it HAD to happen sooner or later, I mean, 100 monkeys… 100 typewriters… 100 years… yadda… yadda… yadda).

ONLY in the state of touchy feely politically correct delusional liberalism which is California would the feelings of Mexican school children ( of which some estimates say 50% or MORE are illegally in the US) living IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA being possibly offended by the AMERICAN FLAG be an issue of this magnitude!

Since WHEN do children have a voice in their education or the core values they are taught? This is certainly new “school think” from anything I have ever seen or heard prior! Exactly WHAT are they being taught anyway? They are living in AMERICA going to school in AMERICA getting an AMERICAN education paid for by AMERICAN taxpayers but its ok to get pissed off and “offended” by the American flag? What did America or its flag ever do to them except give them a free ride?

I know for a fact if you turned this on its head and this took place in Mexico the story would read more about the deportation and probable beating of those who complained and were offended by the Mexican National Colors of THAT I AM 100% POSITIVE!

Lastly let me just say…DAMNED FINE JOB! to those American Legion Riders for having a patriotic little kids back, teaching him that pride in one’s country, its veterans and his family is never wrong or out of place while demonstrating clearly our national opinion of disdain for the subversive secret liberal agenda School Board the country-wide seem to be trying brainwash our children with!