So, one more follow up to the chipping weekend. After hours of burning and then gallons and gallons of water being dumped on the ashes, and I mean, I watered that pit for at least 30 minutes if not longer, I really soaked it because I wasn’t taking any chances. I watered and raked and raked and watered. I got up Sunday morning and went out with the dogs about 0800 and this is what I found:
One little tendril of smoke coming up! I laughed so hard! “Okay, God. Just so long as you don’t burn anything down.”
Anyway, got everything turned in and taken care of and it all worked out well. So, let’s get to laughing, cause I’ve got a long week ahead of me.
All she wrote to go along with this one was SMH…and I agree. Click HERE.
Ain’t karma something…
A woman in her forties went a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called The Knob, where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted it.
Over the course of a few years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful – the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. “All these years, everything has been working just fine,” she said. “I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now, I’ve developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”
She said, “Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee.”
Things Only Women Understand
Why it’s good to have five pairs of black shoes.
The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
Crying can be fun.
FAT CLOTHES.
A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdressers is next to impossible.
Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
Other women!
One of my old school pictures
Bill’s wife asked him to go to the movie rental store and get ‘Scent of a Woman’ the other day.
She hit him over the head when he came back with a ‘Fish Called Wanda’.
Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer.
Bill’s girlfriend glanced up at it and said, “I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I’d look like her.”
“No,” Bill corrected, “If *I* drank a six-pack, of that brand, you’d look like her.”
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.”
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why no Ma’am, what is it?”
“Did we land or were we shot down?”
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.
The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.
The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!
The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning.”
No kidding!
A Kindergarten teacher had a student approach her and saying that he found a frog lying still on the playground.
The teacher asked, “Well, is it dead or alive?”
The student said, “I think it’s dead.”
The teacher asked, “How do you know?”
The boy said, “I pissed in its ear”.
The teacher said “YOU DID WHAT?”
He said, “You know, I went to his ear and said,’PSST!’ and it didn’t move. So it must be dead.”
They Really Said It! Headlines without Editors…
** Grandmother of eight makes hole in one ** Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers ** House passes gas tax onto senate ** Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing ** Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan ** Two convicts evade noose, jury hung ** William Kelly was fed secretary ** Milk drinkers are turning to powder ** Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted ** Quarter of a million Chinese live on water ** Farmer bill dies in house ** Iraqi head seeks arms
Lack of Appropriate Grammar Confuses the Issue:
** Eye drops off shelf ** Squad helps dog bite victim ** Dealers will hear car talk at noon ** Enraged cow injures farmer with ax ** Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests ** Miners refuse to work after death ** Two Soviet ships collide – one dies ** Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
No, They Didn’t Mean THAT, Really!
** Never withhold herpes from loved one ** Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy ** Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984 ** Autos killing 110 a day, let’s resolve to do better
Well Duh… OR Doesn’t It Seem Obvious…
** If strike isn’t settled quickly it may last a while ** War dims hope for peace ** Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency ** Cold wave linked to temperatures ** Child’s death ruins couple’s holiday ** Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn’t seen in years ** Man is fatally slain ** Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say ** Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
Louisiana – New Orleans Law
You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?” “Yes” says the woman. “Did you hit him with that golf club?”
“Yes, yes, I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. “How many times did you hit him? “I don’t know — five, six, maybe seven times…..just put me down for a five.”
A man walked into a butcher’s shop and asked for half a rabbit.
‘I’m sorry,’ said the butcher. ‘I don’t split hares.’
Massachusetts, Boston Law
Duels to the death are permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present.
That’s it. I just got home from the jail ministry, I have to get the rest of my chores done and get to bed. Until next time. May God Bless you and keep you and shine His face upon you, until we meet again.
So, thus begins a week from hell. Today is actually Friday that I am starting this one. I took the day off today because I had to.
I know, it seems a little weird to say that this starts a week from hell while starting a three day weekend, but hear me out.
First of all, you guys aren’t reading this until Monday, which is the start of the week. My three day weekend isn’t REALLY a three day weekend since I will be working the whole weekend, just at something other than my regular job. Here in just about an hour and a half I’ll be leaving the house to pick up the wood chipper to start chipping up that HUGE pile of brush in the backyard that I showed you a couple of issues ago, you remember that one, right? Well, this is what it looks like now all dried up: (as I get up from the computer and go out back and take a picture of a pile of scrap, lol)
I left the burn barrel in the picture for perspective. That’s a 55 gallon drum. Here’s a bit of a closer view:
It goes about as far back, if not farther as it is wide.
Anyway, that is going to start on Saturday, tomorrow, after Men’s Breakfast at 0730. Then Church on Sunday and more chipping if we don’t get it done on Saturday. Then return the chipper on Monday and work.
Work on Tuesday and the new Resiliency class Tuesday night.
Work on Wednesday, Bible study at lunch, Jail ministry Wednesday night.
Work on Thursday, FBI (Faith Bible Institute) Thursday night in another town for the first time. I think that’s a three hour class every Thursday.
Work on Friday, finish up getting ready to go out of town on Monday.
Sunday leave for Alabama for a week.
Unless something happens at the Democratic National Convention and then I’m not going anywhere because of … well … just because. So, let’s just say it’s going to be a fun week. So, what do you say we start laughing? I don’t know about you, but I need it.
It’s a good article. The video is tough to get going, but definitely worth reading regardless of the video.
A West Virginia couple, both certified rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband “fixed.”
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision–why after nine children, would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that they’d read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby, because neither of them could speak Spanish!
Dan: “I’m a man of few words.”
Loz: “Yeah, I’m married, too.”
Aunt Betty
Boy, ain’t that the truth!
Stumpy prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party he was giving.
In his haste, however, he forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day.
He was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.
He called the local Poison Control Center and voiced his concern. They advised Stumpy to boil the sauce again.
That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Stumpy’s face dropped as the guest called out,
“It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.”
You know, I tend to believe that could be a true story. Poison control is like that. When my son, the Whelpling was about 5 years-old, he went through a time where he put EVERYTHING in his mouth. He drank gasoline (the kid across the street had some in a soda can that he was cleaning his bike with), aftershave (it smelled good), Inhaled flea powder (grabbed the cat after his sister had just shaken it all over the kitty) and baking powder (said kitty had peed on the bed and he threw himself on it and took a deep breath of the cloud of powder), took bites of numerous plants around the house, ate a thermometer, some of the glass included and at one point we thought he had taken a bite out of a tarantula spider on a dare from his sister (we were stationed in New Mexico at the time. I think we had called Poison Control like 10 times over a five month period. Anyway, we were sitting at home one Saturday afternoon and the phone rang. I answered it and the voice on the other end said, “Hi this is so-and-so from Poison Control. We haven’t heard from you guys for a while and we were just wondering how your son was doing?”
I laughed so hard. I said, “You just want to make sure that he’s still alive. You want me to put him on the phone for you?” Then she laughed and said no, that wouldn’t be necessary and basically told me that they have a habit of calling and checking on their “frequent flyers” (she didn’t say that, but I know that’s what we called them). So yeah, the above joke is perfectly plausible.
Responses to Avoid When She Says, “Do I Look Fat In This?”
“Not to Stevie Wonder.”
“Oh my god, yes. That’s why I’m screwing your best friend.”
“No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!”
“No hablo ingles.”
“Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out.”
“No, but taking it *off* sure does.”
“Okay, listen: What’s important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make …”
“Not if you were traveling at the speed of light.”
“Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity.”
“Let me jog around to your front and take a look.”
“Holy Cow! A talking couch!”
And Impish Dragon says, “If you recognize him, you had a pretty good Saturday morning childhood.”
Just had this question today on the AFR trivia show…World’s largest animal.
Absolutely!
Too true…way too true…
Why didn’t I know this was a thing in my younger days?
That is an AMAZING picture!
His son doesn’t understand that he’s answering the question.
I really don’t think that’s going to work…
Stephanie? Leah?
Mr. Allen, a high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, “Miss Hunter, get my broker!”
The client was impressed until he heard the secretary’s clear voice saying, “Yes, sir, stock or pawn!”
Montana, Helena Law
No item may be thrown across a street.
Some new ones and a bunch of old ones…still, all of them are funny:
SITUATIONS HALLMARK DOESN’T COVER
I always wanted To have someone to hold, Someone to love. After meeting you … (Inside card) I changed my mind.
I must admit, You brought Religion into my life… (Inside card) I never believed in Hell Until I met you.
As the days go by, I think how lucky I am… (Inside card) That you’re not here To ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go… (Inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You’ll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to marry… (Inside card) Someone other than you.
Happy birthday! You look great for your age … (Inside card) Almost lifelike!
When we were together, You said you’d die for me… (Inside card) Now we’ve broken up, I think it’s time To keep your promise.
We’ve been friends for a very long time… (Inside card) What do you say we stop?
I’m so miserable without you… (Inside card) It’s almost like you’re still here.
You are such a good friend If we were on a sinking ship And there was only one life jacket… (Inside card) I’d miss you terribly And think of you often.
Your friends and I wanted to do something really special For your birthday… (Inside card) So we’re having you put to sleep.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia).
Looking back over the years We’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder… (Inside card) What was I thinking?
Congratulations on your wedding day!.. (Inside card) Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you… (Inside card) Have such an ugly baby?
New husbands (snicker!) this is really good (chuckle!) advice. (Stifle a laugh!) It will work (ahem!) almost every time! [walking away laughing my head off]
Hmmm, ya think?
Picked up the chipper and the guy who picked up with me and I got it to my house and we had to play with it for a little while and we discovered a couple of things. Even though Outdoor Rec on base told us that the blades didn’t need sharpening…the blades needed sharpening. We chipped for about two hours and got about 10% of the pile done, just the two of us. But in those two hours we had to unjam the machine about ten times. And it really can’t handle anything larger than about 2 inches in diameter. Surprisingly, it doesn’t create as much chips as I thought it would. Here’s some pictures:
That’s the chipper
And that’s the chipper with Willow having to get in the picture.
That’s a picture of all the scrap that there is after, like I said, almost two hours of chipping.
There’s another angle of the scrap.
Here’s a look at how far some of the scrap flew!
And finally, a look at how much we got done. You can see where the dead grass and stuff starts as to where the pile used to be…so, like I said, I guess about 10%…in two hours for just the two of us.
Who remembers shoving as many teenagers as possible into a public telephone booth?
So, it’s Saturday night and the chipping is done…well, as done as it’s going to get. These friends of mine did an amazing job. Let me show you what it looks like now. Do you remember that great big pile that was next to my garage and under those trees? Well, no. I’ll get to the final picture at the end. First, so in-between pictures. Let’s start with this one:
This is two of my buddies working on the chipper, one of the many times it jammed. You can still see a pretty decent size pile to the right.
Another action shot, a couple hours into the action.
This is all that’s left of the HUGE pile of stuff and in the background, you can see the pile of shredded stuff to be burned another day, once it dries out for a few weeks. We also raked up the yard waste and added it to the pile.
And from the same angle as the original to show you the difference. I’ll give you the original again so you can tell.
I have some amazing friends!
A dear, dear friend of mine shared something on line that made such an impact on me. I cried. I wrote back to her and told her publicly, “You have NO IDEA how MUCH I NEEDED to read this. Thank you, thank you, thank you.” So now, I’m going to share with you, what she wrote. Well, to be honest, I don’t know if she wrote it or if she shared it. It sounds like her writing. She is a writer, also. But, here it is. Whoops. Now that I look closer, someone named Mark Weber posted it in December of 2023, so she just shared it, but still, it is wonderful
Don’t feel sorry for or fear for your kids/grandkids because the world they are going to grow up in is not what it used to be.
God created them and called them for the exact moment in time that they’re in. Their life wasn’t a coincidence or an accident.
Raise them up to know the power they walk in as children of God.
Train them up in the authority of His Word.
Teach them to walk in faith knowing that God is in control.
Empower them to know they can change the world.
Don’t teach them to be fearful and disheartened by the state of the world but hopeful that they can do something about it.
Every person in all of history has been placed in the time that they were in because of God’s sovereign plan.
He knew Daniel could handle the lions den. He knew David could handle Goliath. He knew Esther could handle Haman. He knew Peter could handle persecution. He knows that your child can handle whatever challenge they face in their life. He created them specifically for it!
Don’t be scared for your children, but be honored that God chose YOU to parent the generation that is facing the biggest challenges of our lifetime. Rise up to the challenge.
Raise Daniels, Davids, Esthers and Peters!
God isn’t scratching His head wondering what He’s going to do with this mess of a world.
He has an army He’s raising up to drive back the darkness and make Him known all over the earth.
Don’t let your fear steal the greatness God placed in them. I know it’s hard to imagine them as anything besides our sweet little babies, and we just want to protect them from anything that could ever be hard on them, but they were born for such a time as this.
And to finish this off, the bible verse at the bottom of that great picture, Proverbs 22:6: Train up a child in the way he should go: And when he is old, he will not depart from it. (KJV). And why does this mean so much to me? I’m so worried about Izzy and my grandchildren, and this did ease my burden some.
At any rate.
May the peace of God be with you all until we meet again, my friends.
So, I’m trying to get an early start on this one because it’s going to be an interesting week for me. I have a conference/exercise with the FBI in Indianapolis on Wednesday and am taking my new guy with me. Should be interesting to say the least. Whenever you ever do anything with the FBI it’s interesting.
Then next week, I start a new course…actually, I start two new courses. On Tuesday nights I am facilitating a course called Resilience. That has the subheading of: “Finding Inner Strength in Impossible Situations”. It’s the first time anyone in our organization has ever taught this one. It actually has a real book that goes along with the workbook entitled Resilient by Dr. Bill Effler, subtitled: Tools for Getting Up After Life Knocks You Down. It looks really, REALLY good. I’m excited about that. So, that starts next Tuesday, then Wednesday is Jail night like normal, and then Thursday I’m starting something new JUST FOR ME!!!
I’m starting FBI. No, not like Federal Bureau of Investigation, nor even Fat Boys In-charge. Nope, this is Faith Bible Institute. It is six semesters, three years of college level Bible study. You actually get a degree when you are done. Not a full degree, but you know what I mean. This is three hours every Thursday night and it is MY TIME for ME! It was either that or buy a motorcycle.
I spoke with my counselor and my pastor I told them both that I didn’t want them to take this the wrong way, that I wasn’t in any danger of hurting myself or anything like that, but that I’m to the point here lately that I don’t care if I live or die. And now don’t any of YOU take that the wrong way either. My counselor seems to think that I give and I give and I give and I’m not doing anything to fill me up. I have the one ministry on Tuesday nights, the jail ministry on Wednesday nights, the Grief Group on base at noon every other Wednesday and Bible study on base at noon on the opposite Wednesdays, I do individual Grief counseling for anyone who calls me (so that’s on and off, sometimes [rarely] in the middle of the night), security for the church a couple of Sundays a month, plus all the additional work that goes into all of those things.
My pastor believes that I also can’t let anything go, that I take everything to heart, which is also true. And that it is okay sometimes to say “no”. I’m not sure that I ever have said no to anyone. Anyway, this weekend I have some of the guys coming over with the chipper to cut up that big pile of stuff in the backyard, I have to mow the yard sometime soon, if it will stop raining long enough and I have a ton of stuff to do to get ready for ALL of this stuff.
Whew!
What do you say we get to the good stuff, shall we?
Oh, by the way, by the time you read this, I’ll already have gone to the FBI conference. For you guys that would have been yesterday or the day before, depending on when I get this one sent out. LOL!
This one is from Stephen B. His latest carving.
My daughter-in-law asked if I had any plans for a seahorse. I did not, so I looked them up on line and found a few. Seahorses come in many different colors and my daughter-in-law picked the colors. The sand is from our local beach and glued onto the base with plain white glue.
Very nicely done!
And from Lynn telling us about a problem with dinner:
A bit of drama cooking dinner last night. I was about to add pasta to boiling water when I noticed an ant floating in it. For whatever reason they sometimes go for a swim in the kettle, and I forgot to check inside before I boiled it.
I took the pot off the stove and grabbed a spoon to fish the ant out with. That was when I realized there were actually three ants. One was floating, and the other two had sunk to the bottom. They must have been one male and two female, as I’ve read that if an ant floats it’s boy ant.
Anyway, I was going to extract the ants and then add the pasta but it proved too difficult. So I threw out the (almost) ant soup and started again. It was a real shame because ants are high in protein and some cultures regard them as a delicacy. They also never get sick, because of their little anty bodies.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
– Mark Twain (1835-1910)
A woman on a holiday trip stood in awe in front of an enormous tree. “Oh, marvelous and ancient oak,” she enthused, “if you could only speak, what would you want to say to me?”
The woman standing nearby commented, “It probably would say, “Pardon me, madam, I am an elm.”
Massachusetts Laws
Candy may not contain more than 1% of alcohol.
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.
“Father!” she cried, “Just WAIT until you hear this!” The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, “Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited.”
“Well, Father,” the nun began, “I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!”
“A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest.
“But that’s not what has me so excited, Father.” Replied the nun, “It was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!”
The priest exclaimed, “What a very serious infraction! What did you do?”
The nun replied, “Well, I hit the ceiling, Father.”
The Priest replied, “And how much did you win?”
I want to thank Stephanie for the written Religious memes that I’ve shared in this issue. I’ve also printed them out and I’m sharing them with my jail guys tomorrow night.
Sandra was sitting in a bar having a drink.
This guy walked over and sat down next to her. He said, “You have that ‘lost’ look in your eyes.”
Sandra said, “You’re close. It’s a ‘get lost’ look.”
It was the morning after the consummation of the marriage of two senior citizens.
The new bride awoke purring. Hearing her husband running water in the bathroom, she said, “Did you just brush your teeth?”
The husband answered, “Yes, dear. And while I was at it, I brushed yours too.”
One day a mouse was walking on the banks of a river that ran through the jungle. He saw a Hippopotamus in the water and shouted to the Hippopotamus, “Hey you, come out of the water onto this bank, NOW”. The Hippopotamus lumbered onto the bank as requested. The mouse then said, “OK, you can get back in the water now”.
The mouse continued walking along the bank until he came upon a lion having a little dip in the river. The mouse shouted across to the lion, “Hey you, up here, on this bank now!”. The lion was a little concerend about this ‘jumped up’ mouse giving him orders but he complied and climbed up onto the bank. The mouse then said, “OK, you can get back into the water now”. The lion shrugged and returned to the river.
The mouse continued his trip along the banks of the river until he came across an elephant having a good old soak. The mouse shouted to the elephant. “Hey you, Mr. Elephant, up here on this bank now!”. The elephant lumbered out the water and was then told by the mouse to return to the water.
The elephant however was a little bit annoyed about having his soak disturbed so he said to the mouse, “What is going on? I’ve just seen you call the Hippopotamus, the lion and now me out of the water, why are you doing this?”.
The mouse replied, “If I find the son of a gun who stole my swimming trunks, I will kill him!”.
An old Atlantic City classic joke: _______________
A textbook nerd is at the beach one day, baring his chest and showing off his pale, shrunken chest, and of course all the girls are laughing at him and drooling over the weight-lifting hunks.
So in desperation the kid goes to the lifeguard and asks, “How can I do something to get these girls interested in me? What can I do to show off?”
The lifeguard takes pity on this poor guy, with his puny muscles and baggy trunks and lanky hair, and finally he says, “Tell you what – why don’t you take a potato and stick it down your swim trunks. That way the girls will think you’ve got something really big and hard down there, and they’ll want you.”
So the nerd decides to give it a try. He struts around the beach with a potato in his shorts, and all the girls give him weird, disgusting looks and tell him to get the hell out of there. The nerd can’t understand what’s going on, so he goes back to the lifeguard and asks, “What am I doing wrong? You said they’d like me if I put a potato in my shorts!”
Without even batting an eye, the lifeguard says, “You gotta put the potato in the FRONT, kid!”
As an enlisted sailor, I don’t feel that the Navy is advancing me in rank fast enough, so I’m going to change my last name to Stains.
My guess is they would rather promote me than to have to refer to me as Seaman Stains.
Just once I’d like to read a medication label that reads:
WARNING! May cause permanent weight loss, increased energy and wrinkle removal.
He is dead on!!!
I remember that screen, but never figured out why there was an indian chief on there.
Yup!
Nope.
Work on it, you’ll get it.
That’s it for today my friends. I hope you enjoyed the short issue. There’s a lot going on, Kamala just named her pick for VP…another nut case. The dude who wants to enact sharia law in Minnesota. Um…NO! I don’t mind anyone coming to the US to find a better life. Come the right way. Learn English. Don’t try and turn our country into the one you just left. Become American! Otherwise, stay OUT! Get a job, pay taxes like the rest of us. You didn’t work for social security or any other benefits, you don’t get any until you DO! I’ll offer a helping hand to anyone who is willing to help themselves. I WILL NOT feed someone who will not work for their own food. You don’t work, you starve. If you physically CAN’T work, that’s a different story. Why can’t you work? If it’s because you’re lazy, starve. I’ve worked and held 4 jobs at the same time so as not to go on welfare in order to take care of my family, until I could get something better. And I thanked God for those jobs. And those jobs helped me to get something better. I’m nothing special. If I can do it, ANYONE can. I am ate up with arthritis and hurt every single day, am 65 years old and get up and go to work every day because I need to to plan for my daughter’s welfare. No, it wasn’t supposed to be like this, but God is taking care of me. If I can do it, through the pain, anyone can. I wake up on a GOOD day in enough pain to put these useless children in an emergency room. You don’t work, you don’t eat. I EARNED my social security benefits. When I do take them, I will take them gladly. You illegals out there…HOW DARE YOU!
Okay…
I’m ranting.
I’m tired. I haven’t had a day off in two weeks and I’m up super early tomorrow to go play with the FBI tomorrow, two hours away. I hope it’s worth it. For now, I’m going to go eat some left over pizza and call it a day.
I am incredibly far behind this issue. It’s Sunday night, I just got home from work, and nothing…and I mean NOTHING is done for this episode. So, here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to work on this until I have to quit to go to bed. I can’t work on it continuously because there are other things I have to do, but I will do the best that I can and you guys will get the best I can give you for tomorrow. You probably won’t get a lot of commentary from me, just the memes, cartoons and jokes, but I honestly think that is what you mainly tune in for anyway. No one is interested in hearing what I have to say. So, without further ado, let’s jump right in!
This one is from Pop Smith especially to Stephanie for her Birthday … even though it’s late…
Plus, he says that he expects it back for his birthday on Sept 14th from Stephanie. MY question is, why am I in the middle of this?
We have the smartest readers! Here’s the explaination for the seven doors and the Boeing-Boeing…from Aussie Pete:
The seven doors photo with the text Boeing-Boeing
refers to the seven doors required on stage
to put on the play ‘Boeing-Boeing’.
A very funny play, see more details below.
Keep up the good work mate.
Regards from Aussie Pete. Scroll down.
Boeing-Boeing is a farce written by the French playwright Marc Camoletti. The English-language adaptation, translated by Beverley Cross, was first staged in London at the Apollo Theatre in 1962 and transferred to the Duchess Theatre in 1965, running for seven years.[1] In 1991, the play was listed in the Guinness Book of Records as the most performed French play throughout the world.he play is set in the 1960s, and centres on bachelor Bernard, who has a flat in Paris and three airline stewardesses all engaged to him without knowing about each other. Bernard’s life gets bumpy, though, when his friend Robert comes to stay, and complications such as weather and a new, speedier Boeing jet disrupt his careful planning. Soon, all three stewardesses are in the city simultaneously and catastrophe looms.
This ticked me off SO MUCH! Under normal circumstances this would be a dragon rant and I would be on and on about it, instead, I will leave you with Stephen B’s write up and youtube.
A female boxer at the Olympics in Paris faced a biological male. The female had to quit in 46 seconds. Check out the picture of this person (in red) in the video. The person in red looks more like a guy than I do. LISTEN to what the past Olympian said, specifically the part where she said something to the effect of, ‘males should box males, females box females and transgender box transgender’. What a powerful statement! Why have I not heard this before? Why hasn’t the world at large acted on this? They have a Special Olympics for handicap people. It’s time to make another class in ALL SPORTS for trans people. It is NOT FAIR to the biological born athletes.
A joke……I once heard there was a guy in a bicycle race who was riding a Harley, but said his Harley identified as a bicycle.
Louisiana Law
Stealing an alligator could land a person in jail for up to ten years.
Okay, let me ask you guys a question straight out. I got a comment on the blog that said basically, “What happened? All I got was an ad.” There should not be ANY ads showing up with Dragon Laffs. I specifically PAY so that there are no ads. Now, I know on the website (where everyone should be going, but I know that nobody does for some reason… I know, I know, it’s SO MUCH easier for you to get it in your email) there aren’t any ads, but are you guys getting ads in the email version? If so, let me know please. Anyway, I suppose I should start putting this in every issue…
So, to the rest…
I LOVE that picture!!!
You don’t truly grasp the size of eagles until one is right in front of you.
If anybody wants a list of all the famous Bugs Bunny quotes, I can send it to you as a WhatsApp doc.
Luke 9:23 ~ Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” I have the hardest time keeping that in mind sometimes. Too much daily pain and loneliness, which leads to depression. I know God wants me to pick up my cross and follow Him, but sometimes it gets hard to stay motivated to do that.
Another one A.I. generated by Impish
So I’m on my way to work and this Dodge Durango is in front of me and going slow. Then I noticed it was for sale and the number was on the back window. So, I decided to call it.
Me: I’m calling about the blue Durango.
Them: Okay, yes it’s for sale.
Me: Does it run?
Them: Yes it does.
Me: Well, step on the gas or get the heck out of my way!
So, right now it’s Sunday night and I’m trying to get as much done on Thursday/Friday’s issue as I can because EVERY night this week I’ve got something going on after work. I volunteered to help out as security for our Vacation Bible School (VBS) at church from 1800 (6pm) to 2000 (8pm) on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. Wednesday I have Jail Ministry. This is the only time frame that I usually have to work on DL. I can maybe squeeze in a half hour here and there. So, I am trying to get as much done as I can tonight so maybe I can have a real issue by then. Just so you guys are aware this is going to be a rough week for me.
And I have another one coming up where I will be out of town. I will be at Maxwell AFB in Alabama for a week at the end of August for a class called the Emergency Operations Center Director. It’s basically filling a square for me since I could go there and teach the course, but since I haven’t had it I’m supposed to. Gotta love it. Alabama in August.
Izzy said, “You haven’t had to go to any classes in a long time.” I said, “Honey, that’s because I can teach most of the classes now.” LOL.
Anyway, back to the show.
That’s disgusting, but true.
This one is from Lynn, I have to say, I’m pretty impressed with her husband…
My husband is the very best! Every contractor we contacted to do our addition wanted to overcharge us by making up silly words and phrases about things we “needed”. We must have tried 2 dozen different ones and they all wanted to do things by something called “code” and put in reinforced foundation blah blah blah’s.
Well “screw that noise”, said my husband. Resourceful like he is, he went onto YouTube and learned how to do our addition all by himself. Yes, that’s right you overpriced scamming contractors, he did it all by himself for 10% of the price you all estimated.
Once he figures out why it keeps sinking in the one corner, we will be moving our downstairs gym to the new addition (I run out of breath going downstairs).
Don’t let contractors scam you into overpaying. I hope our testimonial here inspires even more do-it-yourselfers to do it cheaper themselves
Now my wife says she wants an infinity pool.
It never ends, does it?
People act shocked when there is a shark sighting around here. Good rule of thumb for Florida. If you see water, taste it. If it’s salty there are sharks in it…if not salty, there are alligators in it.
I hate when people ask me if I did anything exciting over the weekend…like I’m over here skydiving. I’m old. I went to walmart, did some laundry, ate too much food, and took a nap.
Just because I like to walk around in my underwear, eating Doritos, does not make me strange.
You folks in aisle 4 just need to stop staring.
Just more evidence. This one is called Epic Incompetence. Thanks Sasquatch:
I just really like the last one.
Marriage Tip:
Tighten the lids on all the jars in the house. She’ll have to speak to you eventually.
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf.
Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, “Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.”
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
All eyes were fastened on her as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father’s mouth was agape. “That was beautiful,” he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said, “I really didn’t get into it, and I faded it a little.”
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)
The son said, “Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.”
The blonde frowned and said, “It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I’ve left a tricky little putt.” She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
She turned to the three guys and said, “I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course.
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch for him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.”
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, “Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.”
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. “Don’t listen to the kid, darling’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.”
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, “That’s a gimme, sweetheart.”
The blonde smiled and said, “Your car or mine?”
REMEMBER . . . OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME
I decided I wasn’t going to let getting older slow me down.
But my body had other plans.
Yeah, I don’t get it.
One day, long, long ago, a young man decided to pursue a military career. His preference from the three services was the Air Force. When he went to the recruiting office, the officer in charge asked him if he had a profession or trade.
“I am a Glugmaker,” the young man replied. The officer,who had never heard of a Glugmaker,looked up his book of aviation trades but could not find any Glugmakers listed. “I’m sorry,” he said to the young man, “we don’t appear to have any vacancies for Glugmakers at the moment. Why don’t you try the Army or the Navy?”
So the young man, disappointed at the news, went around to the Army recruiting office. The recruiting officer asked him if he had a profession or trade, to which the young man replied, “I am a Glugmaker”.
The officer, who had never heard of a Glugmaker, looked up his book of Army trades but could not find any Glugmakers listed. “I’m sorry,” he said to the young man, “we don’t appear to have any vacancies for Glugmakers at the moment, why don’t you try the Air force or the Navy?”
“I’ve already tried the Air Force,” said the young man, by this time feeling very exasperated. “I guess I’ll have to try the Navy.” And off he went to the Navy recruiting office.
When he arrived, the officer in charge asked him if he had a profession or trade. For the third time he responded, “I am a Glugmaker.”
The officer, who had never heard of a Glugmaker, looked up his book of naval trades but could not find any Glugmakers listed. Not wanting to appear a fool in front of a civilian for not knowing what a Glugmaker was, he decided to call his superior for advice. Unfortunately, his superior also did not know what a Glugmaker was and so he told the recruiting officer to advise the young man to try one of the other forces.
“But I have already tried them both and they do not have any vacancies,” said the young man. “It’s a very specialised trade, you know.”
On hearing this, the officer decided, just in case, to contact his superior again. On learning of the very specialised nature of Glugmaking, the superior, who was only a Captain, decided to take the matter to an even higher level. In the meantime, he instructed the recruitment officer to send the young man away until they had obtained further advice from higher echelons of the Navy. The young man,after leaving his name, address and telephone number, returned to his home to await further developments.
Meanwhile, the Navy Captain, who was looking to further his career, organised a team to investigate what a Glugmaker did. His team could not, however, find any record of Glugmaking in any of their files. He telephoned one of his aquaintances in the Air Force to see if he could obtain the information, but, when he asked, the aquaintance, never having heard of a Glugmaker and not wanting to seem stupid, replied, “I’m very sorry, but that is classified information and so I am not allowed to tell you.”
Feeling by now very desperate, the Captain called another aquaintance in the Air Force. Again, when he asked the question, he received the same reply: “I’m sorry, but that is classified information and I am not allowed to tell you.”
With that, the Captain decided that he would really have to take the matter to higher authorities. He called his superior, a Vice Admiral, and explained about the Glugmaker wanting to enlist and how he could not find out what a Glugmaker did.
The Vice Admiral, not wanting to be bothered with what he considered to be a trivial matter, said to the Captain, “Why don’t you send him away to the Army or Air Force recruitment centre and get rid of him?”
The Captain explained that the Glugmaker had already tried both of the other forces and found that they did not have any vacancies. On hearing this, the Vice Admiral replied, “Well, if they don’t want him, why should we take him?”
The Captain then told the Vice Admiral of his calls to his associates in the Army and Air Force. “When I called them,” he said, “they both told me that information about Glugmakers was classified and that they could not tell me anything about it.
“The Glugmaker also told me that his was a very specialised trade,” he added. “The Army and the Air Force obviously must already have one and so don’t need another and that is why they sent him to us.”
On hearing this, the Vice Admiral responded “Well, if they already have one, and the trade is so specialised, why don’t we have one?” The Captain of course, did not have an answer to this and could only apologise to the Vice Admiral for his lack of knowledge. “Should I contact the Glugmaker and sign him up?” he said.
The Vice Admiral, being very careful of his position, replied, “Not yet – I will have to run this past the Admiral of the fleet before we make a final decision.”
The next day, the Vice Admiral called the Admiral of the fleet and told him the whole story. The Admiral, who considered that the Navy was the cream of the armed forces, willingly agreed with the Vice Admiral that the Navy should have it’s own Glugmaker, so much so that he instructed the Vice Admiral to not only recruit the Glugmaker, but to base him exclusively on the pride of the fleet, the Admiral’s own battleship.
The Vice Admiral called the Captain, who, in turn, called the recruiting officer and instucted him to enlist the Glugmaker as soon as possible and have him report to the Admiral’s vessel with all his equipment. The recruiting officer contacted the Glugmaker and advised him of the good news.
A few days later, after the Glugmaker had been enlisted and issued with his kit, he turned up at the wharf together with a very large truck.
“Glugmaker reporting for duty, sir,” he said to the officer of the watch.
“Welcome aboard,” said the officer. “We have been expecting you. What do you have in the truck?”
“That is all my gear and equipment,” replied the Glugmaker. “I will need some help getting it on board.”
The officer arranged a work party to carry all the equipment aboard and stow it in a lower hold, the only place large enough to hold all the gear.
The next day, the battleship left port for sea manoeuvres, and, once safely at sea, the Admiral called the Glugmaker to the bridge.
“Now, Glugmaker, when are you going to start work?” he said. “I will have to start right away,” said the Glugmaker. “It is very time consuming and I must have complete privacy until everything is ready.”
The Admiral instructed all his officers to make sure that the Glugmaker had everything he needed, a spacious area to work, and told them to ensure that the Glugmaker had complete privacy.
With that, the Glugmaker departed to the lower hold where his equipment had been stored and began work. For the next few days, except for a few occasions when he sent for the odd tool or two, or maybe some additional materials, nothing was seen of the Glugmaker except at meal times. He kept hard at work and didn’t even issue progress reports.
After he had been working for a week, the Admiral called him once again to the bridge. “How is your work going down there?” he asked. “Very well indeed, sir,” replied the Glugmaker.
“Well, when are we going to see some results?” asked the Admiral. “It’s difficult to say at the moment, sir,” replied the Glugmaker, “but it should not be too much longer.” The Glugmaker then returned to work.
Another week went by and by this time the Admiral was becoming quite upset by the delay and so, once again, he called the Glugmaker to the bridge.
“Look here, my man, this Glugmaking has been going on for far too long. When is it going to be finished?” he said.
The Glugmaker replied, “Just a couple more days, sir, and then it will be ready.”
“Very well,” said the Admiral, “I will give you until Thursday at 1700 hours to complete your task.”
“Oh, I promise it will be completed by then, sir,” replied the Glugmaker, and then returned to work.
He worked far into the night for the next two days to ensure thet his work would be finished on time. At 1700 hourson the Wednesday, the Admiral called the Glugmaker to the bridge once again and asked him if his work was finished.
“Yes, sir,” the Glugmaker replied. “It is at last finished and ready to be put into action.”
“What do you need then?” asked the Admiral.
“All I need for the next few hours, sir, is a work crew to help bring the equipment on to the deck and assemble it. We could then have a demonstration first thing in the morning when it will be day light,” replied the Glugmaker.
The Admiral arranged for the work party and the Glugmaker led them into the hold to start work.
The first piece that was brought onto deck was an enormous box, which the Glugmaker very carefully had set in place and aligned exactly in the centre of the deck. The next piece was a box of similar design but a little smaller which was placed on top of the first box, again exactly in the centre. All throught the night, the work crew kept bringing up boxes, each one a little smaller than the previous one, and all of which were stacked onto each other, exactly in the centre.
At about 0500 in the morning, the Glugmaker said, “OK, crew, that’s the final one. Let’s knock off and get some sleep before daylight when we have the demonstration.”
With a sigh of relief, they all went to their bunks where they fell asleep immediately.
When daybreak came, the Glugmaker was awoken and told to report to the Admiral. When he reported, the Admiral aked him if he was ready for the demonstration. The Glugmaker replied, “Well, sir, I would appreciate some breakfast first as the crew and I worked all night getting things ready.”
The Admiral agreed and ordered the Glugmaker to report an hour later, ready to go to work.
An hour later, feeling much refreshed after a hearty breakfast, the Glugmaker reported once more to the Admiral. “Well, sir,” he said, “Everything seems to be in order and I am ready to go.” “At last,” said the Admiral. “We have waited a long time for this. What do we need to do now?”
“To take full advantage of this,” said the Glugmaker, “I need every member of the crew, with the exception of people who cannot really leave their posts, assembled on deck to await instructions.”
The Admiral issued the order to have all non-critical personnel assemble on the deck near the structure built by the Glugmaker and, when they were assembled, he and the Glugmaker went to the assembled crew.
The Glugmaker adressed the crew and explained what was needed to be done when he gave the order. “Immediately when the order is given,” said the Glugmaker, “I will need the entire crew to run right around the deck from stem to stern, until the order is given to halt.” He emphasised the criticality of all personnel starting and stopping at the same time until he was satisfied that the crew fully understood. Finally, he turned to the Admiral and said, “Sir, would you do the honours and give the order?”
The Admiral gave the order and the crew immediately started running around the deck. Once he was satisfied with the speed of the runners, the Glugmaker went to the stern of the ship and, taking out a hole saw, he cut a hole right in the centre of the stern scuppers. When he was satisfied with the size and smoothness of the hole, he went to the base of the structure he had erected the previous night and began to climb. Up and up he went until he got to the very top. Pausing there, he surveyed the length and breadth of the ship and the crew running around the deck.
Satisfied with their progress, he reached into his pocket and took out a golf ball. With great care, he placed it on top of the highest box in the structure which was just the right size to enable the Glugmaker to balance the golf ball on the top.
Returning to the deck where the Admiral was waiting, he once more surveyed the situation. Due to the number of crew running around the deck, the ship was developing quite a roll, obviously caused by the weight of the crew as they went from one side of the ship to the other. The roll caused the towering structure to move from side to side and the golf ball at the very top to roll around on the very topmost box.
When the ball had developed a smooth roll, the Glugmaker turned to the Admiral and said, “Sir, on the count of three, please order the crew to halt.”
“Very well,” said the Admiral.
At that, the Glugmaker counted: “One… Two.. Three.”
At the count of three, the Admiral, in his loudest voice, called,
“Halt!”
The crew, being extremely well disciplined, came to an immediate stop, all on one side of the ship. This caused the ship to list all to the one side and, of course, the towering structure also leaned to the same side.
With the crew coming to such a sudden stop, and because of the list to one side, the golf ball, which had been smoothly rolling around the top of the uppermost box, suddenly popped over the rim of the box and started bouncing down the tower.
Down and down it came, bouncing from one level to the other until it reached the deck. Once on the deck, because of the angle of the deck, the golf ball ran straight into the scuppers and started rolling towards the stern.
Everyone’s gaze was fixed on the golf ball as they watched it gather speed. It rolled and rolled until it reached the very stern and, because of the hole that the Glugmaker had made, it shot straight out over the sea. Out and out it went until, because of it’s lack of speed and the law of gravity, it fell down, down, down into the sea and went
GLUG.
Don’t blame me, blame Joe.
Elvis Costello and Abba are touring together this summer but they haven’t figured out who the headliner will be. So, watch for Abba and Costello to find out who’s on first.
Illinois Law
You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.
Retrospectively, I wish I’d bought my baked beans online. Heinz site’s a wonderful thing.
And that’s it my friends. I made it. Now I’m dashing off to the next thing. Love and happiness to you all.
Dragon Laffs 