And here I am, still on Saturday and hoping to get one more issue in the bank for Monday so as to get all the way through the exercise so you guys will be entertained.  This one will probably just be cartoons and memes so as to get it done before bedtime … before Easter starts… so let’s get started.

Which is often!

WHAT ARE YOU? 

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures. 
ACTORS do it on cue. 
ADVERTISERS use the “new, improved” method. 
AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker. 
ANSI does it in the standard way 
ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old. 
ARCHITECTS have great plans. 
ARTISTS are exhibitionists. 
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over. 
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus. 
ATTORNEYS make better motions. 
AUDITORS like to examine figures. 
BABYSITTERS charge by the hour. 
BAILIFFS always come to order. 
BAKERS knead it daily. 
BAND MEMBERS play all night. 
BANKERS do it with interest – penalty for early withdrawal. 
BARBERS do it with shear pleasure. 
BARTENDERS do it on the rocks. 
BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base. 
BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often. 
BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey. 
BEER BREWERS do it with more hops. 
BEER DRINKERS get more head. 
BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds. 
BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry. 
BOSSES delegate the task to others. 
BOWLERS have bigger balls. 
BRICKLAYERS lay all day. 
BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber. 
BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time. 
BUTCHERS have better meat. 
C’Bers do it on the air. 
CAMPERS do it in a tent. 
CARPENTERS hammer it harder. 
CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor. 
CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm. 
CHEMISTS like to experiment. 
CHESS PLAYERS check their mates. 
CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation. 
CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically. 
CLOWNS do it for laughs. 
COACHES whistle while they work. 
COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs. 
COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs. 
COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can’t stop. 
COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software. 
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation. 
CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it. 
COPS have bigger guns. 
COWBOYS handle anything horny. 
COWGIRLS like to ride bareback. 
CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls. 
CREDIT MANAGERS always collect. 
DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds. 
DEADHEADS do it with Jerry. 
DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck. 
DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts. 
DENTISTS do it in your mouth. 
DETECTIVES do it under cover. 
DIETICIANS eat better. 
DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack. 
DIVERS do it deeper. 
DOCTORS do it with patience. 
DRUGGISTS fill your prescription. 
DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time. 
DRY WALLER’S are better bangers. 
ELECTRICIANS check your shorts. 
ENGINEERS charge by the hour. 
EXECUTIVES have large staffs. 
FARMERS spread it around. 
FIREMEN are always in heat. 
FISHERMEN are proud of their rods. 
FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard. 
FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush. 
FURRIERS appreciate good beaver. 
GARBAGE MEN come once a week. 
GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses. 
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day. 
GEOLOGISTS are great explorers. 
GOLFERS do it in 18 holes. 
GYMNASTS mount and dismount well. 
HACKERS do it with fewer instructions. 
HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs. 
HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency. 
HANDYMEN like good screws. 
HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision. 
HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer. 
HUNTERS do it with a bang. 
INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers. 
INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house. 
INVENTORS find a way. 
JANITORS clean up afterwards. 
JEWELERS mount real gems. 
JOGGERS do it on the run. 
LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper. 
LAWYERS do it in their briefs. 
LIBRARIANS do it quietly. 
LOCKSMITHS can get into anything. 
LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer. 
MACHINISTS make the best screws. 
MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye. 
MAINTENANCE MEN sweep ’em off their feet. 
MANAGERS supervise others. 
MARKETING REPs do it on commission. 
MILKMEN deliver twice a week. 
MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done. 
MINERS sink deeper shafts. 
MINISTERS do it on Sundays. 
MISSILE MEN have better thrust. 
MODELS do it in any position. 
MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters. 
MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs. 
MOVIE STARS do it on film. 
MUSICIANS do it with rhythm. 
NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing. 
NURSES call the shots. 
OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under. 
OPERATORS do it person-to-person. 
OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face. 
PAINTERS do it with longer strokes. 
PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash. 
PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion. 
PILOTS keep it up longer. 
PLUMBERS do it under the sink. 
POLICEMEN like big busts. 
POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected. 
POSTMEN come slower. 
PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets. 
PRINTERS reproduce the fastest. 
PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end. 
PROFESSORS do it by the book. 
RACERS like to come in first. 
RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall.. 
RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it. 
REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots. 
RECYCLERS use it again. 
REPAIRMEN can fix anything. 
REPORTERS do it daily. 
RESEARCHERS are still looking for it. 
RETAILERS move their merchandise. 
ROOFERS do it on top. 
RUNNERS get into more pants. 
SAILORS like to be blown. 
SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues. 
SCIENTISTS discovered it. 
SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5. 
SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop. 
SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls. 
SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists. 
SPELUNKERS do it underground. 
SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay. 
STEWARDESSES do it in the air. 
STUDENTS use their heads. 
SURGEONS are smooth operators. 
TAILORS make it fit. 
TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town. 
TAXIDERMISTS mount anything. 
TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking. 
TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals. 
TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls. 
TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks. 
TRUCKERS carry bigger loads. 
TYPISTS do it in triplicate. 
VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers. 
VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up. 
WAITRESSES serve it piping hot. 
WATER SKIERS come down harder. 
WELDERS have hotter rods. 
WRESTLERS know the best holds. 
WRITERS have novel ways. 
ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct. 

A drunk man who smelled like gin sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. 

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. 

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,” Say, Father, what causes arthritis?” 

“My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath.” 

“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. 

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong.   How long have you had arthritis?” 

“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Little Sammy was studying Torah for his Bar Mitzvah and was asked what he had learned in Hebrew school. 

“Well, momma, the rabbi told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. 

When they got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the Jews walked across safely. 

Then the Egyptians followed Moses, who used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for air cover. 

They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and drown the Egyptians, and the Israelites were saved.” 

“Now, Sammy, is that really what the rabbi taught you?” his mother asked. 

“Well, no, momma, but if I told it the way the rabbi did, you’d never believe it!” 

“The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents. ” 

Nathaniel Borenstein (1957 – )

Women are like apples on trees. 

The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy…… 

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. 

And… Men? 

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. 

When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?” 

The woodcutter told Him that he had dropped his axe into water. 

God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. 

“Is this your axe?”, God asked. The woodcutter said “No”. 

God again went down and came up with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?”, God asked. 

The wood cutter said “No”. God went down again and came up with an iron axe. 

“Is this your axe?”, God asked. The wood cutter said “Yes”. 

God was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all the three axes. 

The woodcutter went home happily. One day while he was walking with his wife along the river, his wife fell into the river. 
When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?” 

“My wife has fallen into water” said the woodcutter. 

God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?”, God asked. 

“Yes”, he said. 

God was furious, “YOOOOOU CHEEEEAT!! Now I am going to curse you……” 

The woodcutter quickly said, “Forgive me My Lord. It is all a misunderstanding. If I say ‘No’ to Jennifer Lopez, you will come up with Catherine Zeta Jones. If I also say ‘No’ to her, you will finally come up with my wife and I will say “Yes”. Then you will give all the three to me. 

I am a poor man. I will not be able to look after all the three. So that’s why I had. to say ‘Yes’…”

And that’s it my friends.  May you have a great and blessed day.  

Of course that header is from Aussie Pete!

Today is still Saturday and I’m starting the next issue to try to get ahead because I’m going to be so busy this coming week.  This one should come out on Thursday.  Since I’ve nothing new to say, let’s just get into it shall we?

Ohio, Oxford Law 

It’s illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man’s picture.

I was escorted to a wedding by my twenty-four-year-old bachelor son. 

He appeared unaffected by the ceremony until the bride and groom lighted a single candle with their candles and then blew out their own. 

With that he brightened and whispered, “I’ve never seen that done before.” 

I whispered back, “You know what it means, don’t you?” 

His response:  “No more old flames?”

Selma and Irving receive a wedding invitation in the mail. Since it was many years since they were invited anywhere, they read it with glee, very excited that they were asked to attend a wedding. 

All was fine until they reached the last line. Confused, Irving asks Selma, “Selma, vat does this “RSVP” mean?” 

Selma was at a loss, as for the life of her, she simply couldn’t remember. Finally, she cries out: 

“Vait! I remember! I remember! RSVP!! It means “Remember, Send Vedding Present!”

36 People Who Made Questionable Decisions With Their Body

“This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. 

“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. 

“If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. 

“If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. 

“That’s me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. 

This is a recording.” 

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline


Help lines are now available to everybody!


<ring>
Hello…
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.


If you are Obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Co-dependant, ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, or 6.
If you are paranoid, We know who you are and are tracing the call.
If you are schizophrenic, a little voice will tell you what to do.
If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter what you do, nobody cares anyway. 


Thanks for calling.

It doesn’t matter what church you go to, it doesn’t matter if you are baptized or not, what DOES matter, do you accept Christ as your Lord and Savior and does He accept you as His disciple?

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. 

Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. 

Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, “Is that for sale?” 

“Of course not!” she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. 

Unchanged, he replied quietly, “Then, I suggest you quit advertising it.” 

A bus station is where a bus stops. 

A train station is where a train stops. 

On my desk,… I have a work station.

Oklahoma Law 

People who make “ugly faces” at dogs may be fined and/or jailed. 

Therein lies the truth of the matter.  Faith in God doesn’t take away my pain, I have the faith that God will continue to get me through the pain.  And He always has and I believe (I have the FAITH) that He always will.  Days like today, when the pain is … let’s say extra bad … my faith is unwavering.  Steadfast.  Yes, through this storm, I remain calm.

The father was very proud when his son went off to college.  

He came to tour the school on Parents’ Day and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab. “What are you working on?” he asked. 

“A universal solvent,” explained the son, ” a solvent that’ll dissolve anything.” 

The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, “What’ll you keep it in?” 

That’s it for today my friends.  I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.  Until we meet again I ask that God Bless you with Joy and Happiness. Be Well.

I’ve been away from DL for a few days, so believe it or not, I’ve caught back up again.  This issue, which I’m building today, Saturday, April 19th, will go out the day after Easter on Monday, 21 April.  The reason I’ve been away and the reason I wanted to get so far ahead was that I was studying for and taking my first FBI test for this semester.  I wanted to get further ahead because this coming week is a BIG exercise on the base, my second and third test all coming right up.  So…this is my last weekend off for a little while, so I’m going to try to get a bit ahead again.  

I did get a bunch of last minute Easter cartoons that I’ll throw in for the day after Easter since most of them were pretty good.

I may also address some of the responses to my confession of depression that I’m dealing with.  It’s going to depend on how chatty I feel about it.

Oh, and since someone’s going to ask.  My first test was on Theology and I got a 94.  I think last semester I got a 98 on Theology…so…downward trending.  But then again, if you remember, I did semester 6 last time semester and semester 1 this semester, so maybe what I’m doing is upward trending, just not in the right order.  I could get a 95 for semester 2, a 96 for semester 3, … see what I mean?  That way I top out at a 98 for the final semester that I just happened to do first.

Okay, so now that my head hurts, …

Pete sent that one to me with the following explanation.  That’s Pete, not Aussie Pete.

Howdy Bob!  Here are a couple Easter ones for you, I made that first one so, I figure I have already sent it to you but, it is that time and I am kinda proud of it.  LOL  The words are from Bill and Gloria Gaither’s song “It Is Finished” I will include a youtube at the bottom.

Pete

I included the youtube as well.

Yes!  Yes, it SHOULD be every day!

I’m telling you right up front, this one is from Joe!

What goes “krab, krab, krab”? 

A dog barking in a mirror.

That really isn’t a bad idea…

Someone told me the other day that they are planning on not making any more pennies.  So what we have in circulation is all we’ll ever have because it costs so much more to make them then they are worth.  When I was stationed over in Germany WAY back in the early 80’s, the BX and Commissary on base didn’t use pennies.  Everything was rounded off to the closest nickel.  That was because it cost them more to ship pennies over than the pennies were worth.  It worked out fine for us, I don’t see why it wouldn’t work out fine for the whole country….just sayin’.

The problem is, with so many absentee fathers, what would that statue look like?

The 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?” 

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 8th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!” 

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?” 

Little Mary’s mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!” 

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?” 

Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 7 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.” 

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Kevin,” then turned to Mary and continued, “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: 

(1) you have a dirty mind, 
(2) you didn’t read your homework ; and 
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter: 

First woman:  My dog is so smart.  Every morning he waits for a paper boy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me. 

Second woman: I know 

First one:  How? 

Second one:  My dog told me

The last Easter pic and it was sent in by Leah with a little note at the end…

That last line reminds me of what Buddy said today, that God didn’t have the Book of Revelation included in the Bible to warn you to build a bunker, hoard food and buy guns; He did it to tell you to get a bigger table.

Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t plan on being here when most of Revelation comes to pass.  I hope and pray that none of the rest of you do, either.

Okay, so to say that that last one cracked me up is a bit of an understatement.

Now ain’t that impressive as all get out!

That’s me, third one back.

So true…so very, very true.

During the minister’s prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. 

Gary’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church asked: “Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?” 

Gary answered soberly: “I asked God to teach me to whistle… and He just then did!” 

And that’s exactly the sort of thing my Whelpling would have done.

Oh, so very, very true.  Makes me want to cry.

Really, Really, REALLY gotta get one of those for Izzy.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it 

-Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

That is so cool looking!  Like it opens the sky up and vents out into space!

That is actually an awesome idea!

I’m thinking about getting married.  I looked up the word “engaged” in the dictionary. 

It said, “To do battle with the enemy.” 

Then I looked up mother-in-law.  It said, “See engaged.” 

I want to say thanks to all the campers who wrote in with encouraging words for my depression.  Some of you urged me to seek professional services and such and I appreciate your concern.  Let me make a couple of things clear, if I can, and like I tried to the first time I wrote.

For me, write is cathartic.  But, I have to have someone that I’m writing to or it doesn’t work.  That is actually what Dragon Laffs started out as; what my essays are meant to do; and all my writing projects.  They are meant to drain all the build up garbage that accumulates inside of my veins and in my head.  

I’ve been dealing with this for a long time.  

Mary would tell me, “Bob, just go and write for a while, would you please!  You’re becoming a pain in the ass!”  And I think one of my problems lately is I haven’t had the time to really write or really read because I’ve been busy with other things.  I’ve been busy with good things, but other things.  And like I said, if I don’t write, then that garbage starts building up in my head and it gets clogged up.

Dragon Laffs helps a little, but you guys know as well as I do that Dragon Laffs isn’t real writing.  Oh, I get pinches and dashes of it in here and there, like wiggling around in your chair to get comfortable in the middle of a 3 hour lecture.

And more importantly, I know what the root cause is. 

I’m in pain…24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks out of the year.

All

The

Time

And I’m alone.  Or better expressed, I’m lonely. 

But I understand both of these issues, so therefore I understand the depression, know where it comes from and I deal with it.  Just like I deal with the pain.  They won’t let me have the pain pills any more because OTHER people can’t handle opioids, so those of us who are grownups have to suffer.  Well, it’s just pain.  I’m sick and darn tired of it, but it’s still just pain.  I’m just about to the point where I’m going to have to start walking with a cane again because of my hip, but it’s JUST PAIN.

Does anyone out there understand where I’m coming from?  

This life here on earth is so small and so fleeting, we can put up with just about anything for the short amount of time we are here.

And that’s all I have by way of explanation.  I hope you all had a Great Easter, a Great Resurrection Day.  May God Bless you with eternal love  and happiness, faith and understanding, all the days of your life.

Good morning my camper family,

I don’t even know what day I’m dealing with anymore.  Today, for me, is Friday the 11th.  For you guys I think it’s going to be Saturday the 19th…a week from now.  Easter Saturday.  So, this would be the Easter issue!  So, I guess I need to change the header to something like this:

Good morning my camper family,

How’s that?  So, before we get into the Easter stuff, I have an email that I want to share with you that is somewhat important in the fact that it has been niggling at me.  He called me out on something.  Now, it’s not the first time a reader has called me out on something (not by far!) but this guy gets and deserves my special attention.  He has clout.  You’ll see.  I haven’t asked him if I could use his email, so I won’t use his name.

Impish,

With your background in the military and working with the military, I am confused as to why you have not had any comments or put in any toons about the huge security breach. President Trump’s top defense and intelligence staff  discussed plans to bomb Yemen’s Houthi rebels over Signal, a popular private messaging app. And the national security adviser accidentally invited a reporter into the chat group?

I can recall the many comments and toon about Hillary using a personal email server and she never put military secrets at risk. If this current one happened under Biden, you would have a field day.

And that’s not to mention the “alliance” with Putin and saying the whole thing was initiated by Ukraine.

Navy Vet

Purple Heart recipient

And he’s right.  While some toons did appear in recent issues, I never castigated the current administration for the grammar school behavior that I should have.  As I explained in my last issue, I’ve been in a bit of a … I’m not sure what the right word is … cloud … fog … of depression for quite some time now and it is affecting me in more ways than I like to admit.  But, this pretty grammar schoolish on my own part.  I should have ripped these guys a new one.  THEY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.  People have asked me if there aren’t some super secret chat apps that us military types use.  My response has always been to laugh and say, “not that I know about.”  Everything that goes over the air can be compromised.  EVERYTHING.

Which is why you NEVER, EVER, EVER talk about classified on a phone.  Even a “secure” phone isn’t really secure.  Why couldn’t this have been a face to face?

Completely and totally amateur.  But then to have the complete stupidity … no, that’s not a strong enough word, the complete and total asinine stupidity (bordering on purposeful treason) of inviting a reporter into the conversation?!  

Stupidity should hurt.  It certainly should hurt more than it does for most people. 

So, moving on to other things.

This is SO OUTSTANDING!

That would scare me to death!!!  And I’m not afraid of heights!!

And Blue Dragons are a little larger than Red Dragons.

Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. 

When it was over, she asked her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?” 

Her mother asked, “What do you mean?” 

“Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one.” 

I took my daughter to the doctor for her 2-year-old check up. 

They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly.  

And then the doctor said, “Brianna, can you stand on one foot for me?”  

And she walked over and stood on his foot. 

This is so very true for me every single solitary time.  Maybe not the way I want, but ALWAYS the way I need.

A little while ago, in answer to a question from one of my jail guys, I wrote a quick paper that I thought I’d share with you.  Let’s see if it fits…

What’s the Difference Between an Apostle and a Disciple? ~ Just Bob

I was recently asked the difference between an Apostle and a Disciple.  So, I did a little research and I found out that all Apostles are Disciples, but not all Disciples are Apostles.  Clear as mud so far, right?  So, let’s dig a little deeper.

The Greek word for “disciple” μαθητής (mathētēs) means “learner” or “pupil”.  In the context of Jesus’ followers, it signifies a dedicated follower and learner, someone who emulates the teachings and life of Jesus.  Notice that is present tense.  “A dedicated follower, someone who emulates …” not someone who once did.  Which means that any of us can be and are Disciples. 

The New Testament refers to people who believed in Jesus and followed Him as Disciples.  Another definition could be that anyone who simply follows and devotes themselves to learning from Jesus as a Disciple.

Right, all of us.

Now, on the other hand, the Greek word for Apostle ἀπόστολος (apostolos), which translates to “one who is sent out” or “messenger”, signifies a person officially commissioned on a mission, often with authority from the sender.  The twelve Apostles were Jesus’ closest Disciples and were given authority to perform signs, share revelations, and do other astounding things. 

It was in Luke 6 starting in verse 12 that He first calls them as Apostles.  Read it with me.

¹²One of those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray, and spent the night praying to God.  ¹³When morning came, he called his disciples to him and chose twelve of them, whom he also designated apostles: ¹⁴Simon (whom he named Peter), his brother Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, ¹⁵Matthew, Thomas, James son of Alphaeus, Simon who was called the Zealot, ¹⁶Judas son of James, and Judas Iscariot, who became a traitor.

So, bottom line, unless you were specifically called of Jesus AND given authority to perform wonderous signs, share revelation, and preach His Word, then you can’t be an Apostle.

But!

(And it’s a pretty good but…)

As a Disciple, you still get to do some pretty cool stuff, just look at the Great Commission for example.

Wait…What’s the Great Commission you ask?

It’s the final instruction that Jesus gave to all the Disciples before He went back up to Heaven until He returns again.  And it goes like this…

Oh wait… turn to Matthew 28:18 and read with me to the end.  ¹⁸Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.  ¹⁹Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.  And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

So, yeah…some pretty cool stuff.  As Disciples, that’s what all of us are supposed to do.

Yeah, not too long.  That’s one typewritten sheet of paper.  If you are of a mind, you can comment by email at:

This issue comes out on Saturday.  Yesterday was Good Friday, the day Jesus Christ was crucified, tomorrow is Easter, the day He was resurrected.  

One of the things I never understood was how they could say that he was “buried for three days” or that “after three days he rose again” and things like that, when if he was crucified on Friday and resurrected on Sunday, well … Friday to Saturday is one day and Saturday to Sunday is two days…where’s the third day.  But we find out that by the Jewish way of keeping time, that since he was interred before sundown on Friday, that counts as one day, all of Saturday counts as one day, and since sundown on Saturday actually starts Sunday, that’s the third day, so according to Jewish time keeping, he was buried for three days.

More importantly is all the pain and the suffering He went through for us. 

Only perfection is allowed in Heaven.  No sin is allowed, which means that all of us, because we are ALL sinful creatures, deserve to go to hell.  We are all born in sin because of the sin we inherit from Adam, we inherit our sinful nature.  We can NEVER get to heaven on our own.

In order for sin to be forgiven it requires a blood sacrifice.  That’s why all the Old Testament laws required animal sacrifices on a regular basis for so many different things because they weren’t perfect sacrifices.  

So Jesus comes along to be the perfect sacrifice for everyone.  He is sinless.  He isn’t born with the assumed Adamic sinful nature because He wasn’t born of man.  He was born of woman and the Holy Spirit.  He remained sinless throughout His short life.  He was also God, so He was perfection.  He was the only one who could atone for everyone’s sin.  That’s past, present and future sin.

And He suffered the pain for ALL those sins.  For three hours he was separated from the Father while he paid the price for all that sin…I could go on and on.  Like how before His death  there was no one who died and went to Heaven.  Everyone went to either hades or Abraham’s Bosom also called Paradise.  And maybe we’ll talk about that some other time.

But what do we say on Friday?  Sunday is coming!

Glorious Sunday!  

He rises and spends time with His Apostles and others.  Teaching and giving marching orders… for then and for now.

Why am I telling you all of this?  Because, I too, am a disciple of Jesus and it’s my job.

A five year old boy sat in front of the television, intently watching a documentary about the Civil War. 

When the show ended, he asked his father, “Daddy, what’s a slave?” 

“A slave is someone who works real hard, all day long, for other people,” his dad replied, “without getting paid for it.” 

“Oh, I know!” the boy replied with wisdom. “You mean like mommy.” 

Me too!  I really didn’t think it was big enough to eat me!

Oh come on!  How many of you out there know what that is?

As much as I like Peeps, that sounds disgusting.

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing “wedding.” The wedding vows went like this: 

“You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride.” 

And that’s it my dear friends.  I hope you enjoyed this issue as much as I did.  I think it’s time for me to get a bit more creative and the next issue may be a little more crazy then usual.  Who knows.

I want to be honest with you. 

I’m not doing well and I don’t know why. 

I  have bouts of depression (and who can blame me, I’m in constant pain, I miss my wife, I’m lonely all the time, I have reasons) but they are usually short lived and of no significant consequence.

But, I have been stuck in a dark hole for over a week now and instead of getting better, I think I’m actually getting worse.  I texted my buddy Wheats, who at this point is about my longest friend I’m still in contact with and I told him that “I can’t seem to get motivated to be happy about anything.”  Buddy Wheats is my blood brother from long back.  He understands.  He was my roommate in Germany.  1980.  That’s over 45 years now.  

I can usually find something to be happy about.  Find something to get motivated over.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I know I am still blessed by God and I take huge comfort in that.  I know my ministry is important and I find joy in the preparation and the enactment of that.  But in my life…it’s not there. 

I need to spend more time in prayer, I’m sure of that.  I’m just not doing that.

I counsel others in how they need to spend more time counseling with the Father and I can be honest enough with myself that I need to follow my own prescription.  

And writing is my best outlet for my feelings and my thoughts.  Sadly, I can’t just write.  I have to write TO somebody.  I have never been able to have a diary.  Never worked for me.  So, you guys get it.

Sorry about that.

So let’s move on, and I’ll let you know how it works out.

 

What a GREAT meme to start with!  Consider this in relation to my opening paragraphs…

We learned that cats make lousy pets!  Dogs don’t do that kind of crap!

Truth little buddy.  But girls are fun in other ways…when you get a bit bigger.

I’m not sure why the author of this particular meme picked out Gretchen Whitmer to call out, but there you have it.

I’m not sure if I used this video in the last episode or not…same with the next video I use, but they are funny enough that they are worth repeating.  This one is just super cute.

Ain’t that the truth…

This is from our brother Stephen B.  This is an AI generated picture of the train movements for the NYC Subway System.  Each movement is supposed to be a 3 minute time lapse.  I have no idea if it is factual or not, but it is interesting to watch.

Hence Dragon Laffs!

Take that to heart, campers.  That is a really tough lesson to learn the hard way.

Welcome to modern medicine.  If you think this isn’t done on purpose you are one of the deceived.  

That is so very true.  I didn’t realize it would last so long.

Except a lot of them aren’t.

We took a friend to dinner at a restaurant that offered free refills of nonalcoholic drinks. 

Before the main course arrived, she kept the waitress scurrying for refills. 

When our friend asked for yet another, the waitress raised an eyebrow and asked, 

“What did you have for lunch–a sponge?

When I was managing restaurants, I actually had one of my servers tell me that a customer asked to speak to the manager.  When I went to the table the customer complained to me that the waitress had been rude to him.  When I asked how, that’s exactly what he said to me!!!  Of course I said I’d take care of it.  I pulled her in the back and we laughed and laughed.

More truth.

I laughed so hard at that one!

Mrs.  Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: 

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.  One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.  Now, what does each get?” 

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. 

The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer. 

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, “A lawyer!” 

Wow!  So much truth in today’s issue.

Izzy tells me the new Snow White movie is bombing really bad.  Hmmm, I wonder why?

Remember, we talked about this…the grain of sand out in the midst of the universe.

Okay, here’s the other video that I wasn’t sure if I played last episode or not…

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. 

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. 

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. 

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. 

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. 


One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.”Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange post card today.” 

Flustered, he said “Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it.” 

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. 

On the card was written: 

“Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.” 

NO DOUBT!!

In the middle of his sermon, the visiting Minster stopped, and called one of the ushers. He pointed to a man in the 5th row. “That man is sound asleep, go and wake him.” 

The usher shook his head and said, “Wake him yourself, you put him to sleep!”

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result, they seldom had guests. Johnny was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office. 

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest. 

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, “It’s no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size.”

That’s it for this one my friends.  May you all be blessed by God until we meet again.  My love to you all.