Dragon Laffs

Happy Tuesday to all our favorite campers out there!  And yes, that means all of you, lol.  Hope everyone is having a great day so far.

Snow is a funny thing.  It has pretty much been snowing non-stop for the last 48 hours and we have supposedly received 4 or 5 inches of snow.  Well, because we’ve also received 20 to 30 mph winds, we have no snow on most of the flat areas (yards and streets) and snow drifts of 3 or 4 feet where it has stacked up.  Should make for an interesting ride into work.  Driving along, clear road, pleased as a peach and then “wham!” snow up to the headlights!  I really gotta ask Santa for an SUV with heated leather seats and a good stereo system.

OH well, as long as we are dreaming, we might as well be laughing….

Let’s Laugh!

President Obama infuriated liberal Democrats Monday when he struck a deal with Republicans to keep tax cuts. He abandoned the left who can’t get him reelected to cut a deal with the right who’ll never vote for him. Now we know he removed the bust of Winston Churchill in the Oval Office to make room for one of George Armstrong Custer.

Is it possible that this means he’s making decisions based on what’s right? 

London canceled FIFA’s hotel rooms for the Olympics Tuesday for changing their England votes to Russia for the World Cup host. It was a tough choice. FIFA members could vote against England and lose their rooms or they could vote against Russia and then spend the rest of their lives ordering the antidote rather than the appetizer.

THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT

My husband and I had been happily married (most of the time) for five years
but hadn’t been blessed with a baby. I decided to do some serious praying and promised God that if he would give us a child, I would be a perfect mother, love it with all my heart and raise it with His word as my guide.

God answered my prayers and blessed us with a son.
The next year God blessed us with another son.
The following year, He blessed us with yet another son.
The year after that we were blessed with a daughter.
My husband thought we’d been blessed right into poverty.

We now had four children, and the oldest was only four years old.

I learned never to ask God for anything unless I meant it.  As a minister once told me, “If you pray for rain, make sure you carry an umbrella.”

I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as they lay in their cribs..
I was off to a good start. God had entrusted me with four children and I didn’t want to disappoint Him.

I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks.

I tried to be understanding when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours to catch all twenty-three frogs.

When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a blanket to see how it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humor rather than the mess.

In spite of changing over twenty-five thousand diapers, never eating a hot meal and never sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time, I still thank God daily for my children.

While I couldn’t keep my promise to be a perfect mother – I didn’t even come close – I did keep my promise to raise them in the Word of God.  I knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we were going to church to worship God, and she wanted to bring a bar of soap along to “wash up” Jesus, too.

Something was lost in the translation when I explained that God gave us everlasting life, and my son thought it was generous of God to give
us his “last wife.”

My proudest moment came during the children’s Christmas pageant. My daughter was playing Mary, two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest son was a wise man. This was their moment to shine.

My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line, “We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes.”  But he was nervous and said,  “The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clothes.”

My four-year-old “Mary” said, “That’s not ‘wrinkled clothes,’ silly. That’s dirty, rotten clothes.”

A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd and was stopped by an angel, who bent her halo and lost her left wing.

I slouched a little lower in my seat when wearing a bathrobe Mary
dropped the doll representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying,  “Mama-mama.”

Mary grabbed the doll, wrapped it back up and held it tightly as the wise men arrived.

My other son stepped forward and a paper crown, knelt at the manger
and announced, “We are the three wise men, and we are bringing gifts
of gold, common sense and fur.”

The congregation dissolved into laughter, and the pageant got a standing ovation.

“I’ve never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one,” laughed the pastor, wiping tears from his eyes “For the rest of my life, I’ll never hear the
Christmas story without thinking of  gold, common sense and fur.”

“My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing,” I said as I dug through my purse for an aspirin.

So, you think you know where you stand, politically.  Think again.  The result from this short  test may surprise you and give you some food for thought.
You’ll be asked just 10 questions, and then it instantly tells you where you stand politically.  It shows your position as a red dot on a “political map” so you’ll see exactly where you score.
The most interesting thing about the Quiz is that it goes beyond the Democrat, Republican, and Independent.
The Quiz has gotten a lot of praise.  The Washington Post said it has “gained respect as a valid measure of a person’s political leanings.”  The Fraser Institute said it’s “a fast, fun, and accurate assessment of a person’s overall political views.”  Suite University said it is the  “most concise and accurate political quiz out there.”
Click on the link below…
Click here: World’s   Smallest Political Quiz

Seems Lethal cruised through a stop sign and got pulled over by a local Sheriff. Lethal hands the officer his driver’s license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

“Okay, Mr. Leprechaun,” the cop says, “I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?”

“Yes, I would be laddie.”

“Well then, better tell me what you got.”

Lethal smiles and says, “Well, ’tis a Kahr TP-45 semi-auto holstered inside me waist band. There’d be the.Walther PPKS .380 auto in the glove box. Then of course me Gerber Covert Tactical folding knife with a 5″ dual edge blade in me right boot.”

“Okay,” the cop says. “Anything else?”

“Begorrah you’re right!  ‘Tis true ’nuff there be more. Back in the trunk, there be a heavily customized Mini 30 with two 30 round clips and a Benelli  tactical 12 gauge shotgun with a 20 round bandolier. Except for me shelligh here ’tis about it.”

“Mr. Leprechaun, are you on your way to or from a gun range…?”

“Nope.”

“Well then, what are you afraid of…?”

“Nae a blessed thing boy-o…except me wife, Molly finding out about this ticket.”

There will be a new sight on Christmas Eve,
Stay up and watch….It’s hard to believe!
 
Santa gave up his sleigh full of loot,
Fired his reindeer and burned his red suit!
 
He got rid of the elves and called Master Charge,
Now he has an account, and boy, is it large!
 
He’ll be buying all gifts for the rest of his years.
Your stuff will say “K-Mart”, “J.C. Penny’s”, or “Sears”!
 
He’d gotten a little behind the whole Nation
With homemade toys and deer for transportation.
 
So forget feeding Rudolph, don’t lay out the barley,
‘Cause this year Santa rolls up on his Harley!
 
He’s a biker now, and it’s a whole new racket,
It says “Bad Ass Santa” on his black leather jacket!
 
Mrs. Claus is now his “Old Lady”!
They’ve got spikes on their helmets,
 
And they look kinda shady!
He’s got a “chopper” with a “sissy bar”,
 
And his “Old Lady” now has a “side car”!
He’s really “hip” as he cruises around,
 
With his “boom box” blastin’, Santa really gets down!
He’s popping “wheelies”, and stopping on dimes,
 
Glad that he’s finally caught up with the times.
So sit by your window, it’s something you’ll like,
 
This modern day Santa on a shiny chrome bike!
And you’ll hear him exclaim as he rides out of sight,
 
“MERRY CHRISTMAS, MAN! THIS SHIT’S ALRIGHT!!!!”

2010 Quotes of the Year by The Daily Beast

Here’s a consolation prize for losing the election: Christine O’Donnell’s “I’m not a witch” has been chosen by the Yale Book of Quotations as the quote of the year. It tied for first with BP CEO Tony Hayward, who famously proclaimed, “I’d like my life back.” Also in the top 10 were “If you touch my junk, I’m gonna have you arrested,” by airline passenger John Tyner; “Don’t retreat. Instead—reload!” by Sarah Palin; and “We have to pass the bill so you can find out what’s in it,” by Nancy Pelosi.

The Old Country Boy’s:

DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?
This is an actual suit filed in 1995…
L. Grier sued the government of the United States for fraud, breach of contract, and discrimination.
The basis for his suit? Grier alleged that former President Ronald Reagan did not respond when he invented the multiplication tables and sent them to the White House, but instead stole his invention and implemented it in the public schools.
Grier asked for $900 billion in damages.
THE VERDICT: Case dismissed

The United States Air Force: Solving the world’s problems since 1947!

Impish Dragon’s Rules For Living

Love means never having to say, “Does that twenty include the spanking?”

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn’t kill you to wash your hands in between either.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreck revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn’t looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That’ll learn him.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.

Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play – normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon  arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses

Good morning Campers!  We are getting snowed in here.  Right now the kids are on a two-hour delay from school and the base is on a delayed reporting schedule.  According to the weather guys, it is supposed to go on all day long. 

The city does a pretty good job of clearing the roads, at least they have so far today, I’ve seen 2 or 3 different plows come by.

I wish to thank all of you who wrote in with encouraging words about my FMS.  Thank you very much, it means a lot.  And Jeff, thanks for the comments you sent to this actual site.  That took an awful lot of guts to put that in writing.  Thank you ever so much for sharing your feelings with the rest of us.

Now!  Enough of this maudlin stuff!  On with the laughter!

Really bad Christmas ornaments:

This is a GREAT card:

http://ak.imgag.com/imgag/product/preview/flash/bws8Shell_fps24.swf?ihost=http://ak.imgag.com/imgag&brandldrPath=/product/full/el/&cardNum=/product/full/ap/3166187/graphic1

Q: What would happen if pigs could fly?

A: Bacon would go up.

Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?

A: Jack.

A Chinese passenger train just broke a record by hitting 302 miles per hour. Passengers called it “a thrilling experience,” while the guy in the bathroom called it “the worst day of my life.”

Oh my Gawd!  You ain’t gonna believe this one!  At a wedding, no less!

http://www.trutv.com/video/top-twenty-most-shocking/ruthless-and-toothless.html 

Here’s something else that I want to ask Santa for:

What happens if you name a ship the MS Explorer and try to sail it around Antarctica…

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

• The majority of women say they don’t need presents, and they just look forward to spending time with their mates on Christmas. Guys, it’s a trick.
• According to a report, the worst drivers in the country are in Washington, D.C. Republicans can only turn right, Democrats can only turn left, and Obama is weaving all over the place.
• The tax cut deal means tax cuts for the rich and benefits for the unemployed. If you work for a living, you’re screwed.
• China is holding about a trillion dollars in U.S. debt. Next time you go for Chinese food and the bill comes, tell them to put it on the tab.

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

• There’s a medical marijuana store in California that apparently makes home deliveries. I think that’s called a “dealer.”
• A man in Australia married his 5-year-old Labrador. That’s just wrong. You can’t make a big decision like that when you’re only 5 years old.

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

• The Beatles are easily the best musicians ever to be named after a bug. Sorry, Adam Ant.
• When The Beatles’ success in America was called “the British invasion,” Larry King got really scared, because he was around when “British invasion” meant revolutionary war.

I met a beautiful woman in the park the other evening…There was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet. 

As we laid there, making love, I thought to myself, ”These tasers are well worth the money…”