It’s Christmas, so I thought I should give Impish Dragon a break and post something nice about him because after all he really is a decent guy and someone I am proud to call my friend…a moniker I do not bestow lightly.
Problem is I was sitting in my office trying to compose something suitable and the rotten SOB was in his office gorging himself on Taco Bell one pound bean burritos! The toxic cloud killed my Shamrock Garden, burnt the wings of 4 fairies and set off the fire alarm! Now half the secretarial pool is being treated for fart inhalation and claiming Workman’s Comp!
As you can imagine this has understandably somewhat colored the attitude of my muse!
Ode to a Perpetually Flatulent Dragon
A fart is a pleasant thing.. It gives the belly ease… It warms the bed in winter.. And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet… A fart can be loud… Some leave a powerful… Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short… Or a fart can be long… Some farts have been known.. To sound like a song…..
A fart can create… A most curious medley… A fart can be harmless… Or silent…and deadly.
A fart might not smell… While others are vile… A fart may pass quickly… Or linger a while…
A fart can occur… In a number of places… And leave everyone there… With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie… To small elevators… A fart will find all of… Us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad… Is simply not true… We must never forget… Old fart Dragons like you!
Kinda brings a tear to your eye…right? Don’t worry the smoke ejectors are on full blast the burning and tearing should stop as soon as we vent all his gas!
While at the mall a couple of years ago, my then four year old nephew, Spencer, saw kids lined up to see Santa Claus. Having been taught as a toddler that Christmas is the holiday that Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus, he asked his mom, “where’s the line to see Jesus”?
My sister mentioned this to my dad, who immediately became inspired and jotted words down to a song in just a few minutes. After putting music to the words, and doing a quick recording at home, he received a great response from friends. He sent the song off to Nashville without much response, except for a Christian song writer who suggested adding a bridge at the end of the first chorus.
My dad then asked if I wanted to record the song to see what we could do with it. I listened to the song, made a few changes to the words to make it flow better, and we headed to Shock City Studios. It was at the studio where Chris, owner and producer, rewrote the 2nd verse and part of the chorus… with goosebumps and emotions high, we were all hopeful and felt like we had something special. The demo was recorded in just under 2 hours and sent off again to Nashville… still no response. Then 2 weeks before Christmas last year, my cousins Greg and Robbie decided to do a video to see what we could accomplish on YouTube.
The first day we had 3000 hits and it soared from there. We received e-mails, phone calls, Facebook messages from people all over asking for the music, CD’s, iTunes, anything… we had nothin’. After a couple of meetings with Chris following the amazing response, we got serious. We headed back into the studio this past spring… this time with guitars, drums, bass, pianos, choirs… the real deal…. and here we are today. Getting iTunes set up, a website put together, and loving that thousands upon thousands of Christians have come together… remembering the true meaning of Christmas.
Out of the mouths of babes come profound truths that many adults can not understand. Hopefully Spencer’s observation will cause people all over to reflect on the love of Jesus, and that one day we will all stand in line to see Him. We are most thankful to our Heavenly Father to have this chance to share our music with you. Merry Christmas everyone.
Personally I don’t give a reindeer’s backside if the ‘About the Song’ is true one not. It has no bearing on the powerful message of the song itself
Today’s issue is HUGE! I hope you enjoy each and every line, every cartoon, all the innuendos.
I can remember walking along the sidewalk, beside the barracks in Germany. Smitty and I were returning from somewhere, (probably the Class VI store knowing us). (For those of you who don’t know, the Class VI store is the liquor store on a military base.) Anyway, I can remember asking, “Okay, Smitty. Use the word innuendo in a sentence.” Out of nowhere and without missing a beat Smitty says, (and being from Rhode Island it came out like this:) “I trew da rock innuendo”. Ahh. Memories. I sent him an email last night and told him to guess what I had in my fridge….and here it is:
Sorry Smitty, I saw it and couldn’t resist. I’ll let you know if it tastes the same or if it’s imported crap. lol.
Even if you don’t speak Italian, these three kids will knock your socks off.
I know you will know the song when you hear it. This is apparently from an Italian talent show.
(By the way, you guys shouldn’t focus on the well-endowed hostess too long!) CLICK on this link http://www.wimp.com/threetenors/
Gianluca Ginoble Age 14 Piero Barone Age 15 Ignazio Boschetto Age 14
During a whistle-stop campaign, the presidential candidate’s train hopped the tracks. It ran roughshod through a farmer’s field. Several animals were killed. The politician agreed to reimburse the farmer. This is the first and only time a politician took responsibility for all the bulls hit.
Mr. and Mrs. Leprechaun were at home watching TV.
Lethal had the clicker and was switching back and forth between the golf channel and the porn channel.
Mrs. L became more and more annoyed and finally said: “For god’s sake, Lethal. Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to play golf.
A must watch that I don’t need to say anything about.
Over 23,000 teddy bears tossed onto the ice for charity after the first Hitmen goal in the first period. Lots of deserving children are going to have teddy bears for Christmas! 16th Annual Teddy Bear Toss hockey game at the Scotiabank Saddledome in Calgary, Alberta, Canada (Sunday December 12, 2010). Red Deer Rebels vs. Calgary Hitmen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRmXEvviRMM&feature=player_embedded
Ever wonder what it would feel like to get pelted with over 23,000 teddy bears? Just ask the Calgary Hitmen of the Western Hockey League, a team that hosts the annual “Teddy Bear Toss” at their December home game.
They set a world record three years ago, when over 26,000 bears were tossed onto the ice. This year, they were hoping to get 23,000 during their game on Sunday against the Red Deer Rebels — and it worked! Fans tossed 23,096 bears and other stuffed animals after the first goal was scored. Thank goodness it wasn’t a shut-out.
The video of all of the fans throwing the bears onto the ice is pretty freakin’ amazing. Check it out.
The Hitmen have been doing this toss for the past 16 years. After the game on Sunday, the players hand-delivered the bears on Monday to the Alberta Children’s Hospital. Of course, the kids at the hospital loved it, and the Teddy Bear Toss made their day, according to NHL Fanhouse:
Trevor Grant said when his two-year-old son Easton was given a teddy bear, he had trouble fighting back his emotions. “(Easton has) had a rough life so it’s really neat to see this happen,” said Grant.
Easton’s mom, Jalene Grant, said they come to the hospital every week and having the Hitmen hand Easton a teddy bear made their day a little brighter. “It just puts a smile on their face, everything they have to go through. To be able to take five minutes and do that is pretty awesome.”
So how did it all happen? Hitman Cody Sylvester scored at 3:49 in the first period, and then the game was delayed for 40 minutes while 16,844 fans threw bears onto the ice.
Wouldn’t you have loved to have been there? What a great tradition for hockey fans just in time for the holidays. The Teddy Bear Toss has been embraced by many other minor league hockey teams as well, so if there’s one in your area, make sure you go next year with your teddy bear in tow!
As we approach the end of the year, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past 12 months. Thanks to your sending me SO many informative emails, I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. For example:
I no longer open a bathroom doorwithout using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can’t use the remote in a hotel roombecause I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspreadbecause I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm I have trouble shaking handswith someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt tripbecause I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can’t touch any woman’s pursefor fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’sNovena has granted my every wish. I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorantseven though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I can’t do any gardeningbecause I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Fiddler Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .
Oh, by the way…..
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on their mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet
Another old favorite:
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME: According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should’ve known…… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Too much? Do you think?
A beautiful poem….
If you look for me at Christmas, you won’t need a special star-
I’m no longer just in Bethlehem, I’m right there where you are.
You may not be aware of Me, amid the celebrations-
You’ll have to look beyond the stores and all the decorations.
But if you take a moment from your list of things to do
And listen to your heart, you’ll find I’m waiting there for you.
You’re the one I want to be with, you’re the reason that I came,
And you’ll find Me in the stillness as I’m whispering your name.
Love,
Jesus
Got something a little sensual today…woooo hooo!!!
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.”Just relax.” Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching,knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no’ for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say … “Okay, ma’am, all done.” My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.
“You can board your flight now.”
(he he heh)
This guy has been harassing Cash4Gold.com for so long, that this is the response he finally got. He was so proud of it that he framed it, took a picture of it and posted it on the internet. How cool is that?
The Old Country Boy’s:
DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE? If you’re an adult of average weight here is what you accomplish in 24 hours: Your heart beats 103,689 times, Your blood travels 168,000,000 miles, You breathe 23,040 times, You inhale 438 cubic feet of air, You eat 3/4 pounds of food, You drink 2.9 quarts of liquids, You speak 4,800 words, including some unnecessary ones, You move 750 muscles, Your nails grow .000046 inch, Your hair grows .01714 inch, You exercise 7,000,000 brain cells. Now … Don’t you feel tired?
Okay, well here’s a crappy subject for this time of the year, but since I’ve been getting more and more intelligence about it, I thought I’d share some of it.
Before I get too deeply into this, I want you to remember that NOTHING is itched in stone. This is just speculation and rumor, based on information that is disseminated in a gazzilion different ways and places. You’ll hear me mention that again, at least once.
Information has come to light, and is available in many public sectors, that the bad guys are planning something terroristic this holiday season. Does this really surprise anyone? No, I didn’t think so. Did you also know that “they” plan something for just about every holiday season, every year? And would it also surprise you to find out that the good guys have thwarted a lot of bad guy plots over the years? Google “Terrorist plots stopped” or something like that for some incredible examples of stuff that most of us don’t even realize is going on.
Anyway…..
Lots of increased noise this year, so what can YOU do about it? For most of us, that’s the more important question. The biggest thing, the most important, number one on the list…keep your eyes open. Recognize things that are out of place, an unattended package, a bulky coat on a warm day, someone way over dressed or way underdressed for where they are, smells that aren’t right, sights that aren’t right. If something tells you that something is wrong, it probably is. Trust your instincts. It may not be a terrorist plot, but if something is wrong, figure out what is making you think that way. Keep your eyes and other senses open.
Lock your doors. You’re car doors if you are going to leave your car for any time at all, even if you are “just running into the store.” Your house doors and windows, even when you are home.
Don’t be in a huge crowd, but don’t be a lone target either. You may say, “Impish, what do you mean by that?” Well, here’s a for instance. Say you’re waiting for a train…subway or traditional, you can pick…you don’t want to stand with the huge crowd right on the edge of the platform, but you also don’t want to be all the way to the back by yourself, either. Pick something in between.
If you are going to the airport, get in and get through security. Don’t hang around the outside.
You get the idea? I’m sure you can think of a lot of others on your own. Don’t flash a lot of money, don’t announce yourself as American in a foreign country, etc. But mostly, be smart. Keep your eyes open and your wits about you. There are not enough of you smart campers out there that we can afford to lose any of you over something stupid.
And remember…nothing is certain. Don’t get all freaked out, because then they win anyway. Nothing is certain. Knowledge is a weapon, like any other and it needs to be kept sharp and clean.
Please, take special care when you drive this holiday season.
A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by drivers who just drink tea, coffee, lattes, carbonated drinks, juices, milkshakes and shit like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is as a Public Service Announcement because we care about your well-being this holiday season.
