Today’s issue is HUGE! I hope you enjoy each and every line, every cartoon, all the innuendos.
I can remember walking along the sidewalk, beside the barracks in Germany. Smitty and I were returning from somewhere, (probably the Class VI store knowing us). (For those of you who don’t know, the Class VI store is the liquor store on a military base.) Anyway, I can remember asking, “Okay, Smitty. Use the word innuendo in a sentence.” Out of nowhere and without missing a beat Smitty says, (and being from Rhode Island it came out like this:) “I trew da rock innuendo”. Ahh. Memories. I sent him an email last night and told him to guess what I had in my fridge….and here it is:
Sorry Smitty, I saw it and couldn’t resist. I’ll let you know if it tastes the same or if it’s imported crap. lol.
Now, for the rest of you…..
And have their names on their own list!
13 Truly Terrible Christmas Cards
What a REAL woman does:
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
Just In Time for Christmas, Folks!
There just aren’t acts like this anymore.
I thought you might enjoy this “blast from the past”.
Oh no she didn’t!
Thanks to K² for this one:
CLICK on this link
Gianluca Ginoble Age 14
Piero Barone Age 15
Ignazio Boschetto Age 14
Mr. and Mrs. Leprechaun were at home watching TV.
Lethal had the clicker and was switching back and forth between the golf channel and the porn channel.
Mrs. L became more and more annoyed and finally said: “For god’s sake, Lethal. Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to play golf.
16th Annual Teddy Bear Toss hockey game at the Scotiabank Saddledome in Calgary, Alberta, Canada (Sunday December 12, 2010). Red Deer Rebels vs. Calgary Hitmen http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRmXEvviRMM&feature=player_embedded
Ever wonder what it would feel like to get pelted with over 23,000 teddy bears? Just ask the Calgary Hitmen of the Western Hockey League, a team that hosts the annual “Teddy Bear Toss” at their December home game.
They set a world record three years ago, when over 26,000 bears were tossed onto the ice. This year, they were hoping to get 23,000 during their game on Sunday against the Red Deer Rebels — and it worked! Fans tossed 23,096 bears and other stuffed animals after the first goal was scored. Thank goodness it wasn’t a shut-out.
The video of all of the fans throwing the bears onto the ice is pretty freakin’ amazing. Check it out.
The Hitmen have been doing this toss for the past 16 years. After the game on Sunday, the players hand-delivered the bears on Monday to the Alberta Children’s Hospital. Of course, the kids at the hospital loved it, and the Teddy Bear Toss made their day, according to NHL Fanhouse:
Trevor Grant said when his two-year-old son Easton was given a teddy bear, he had trouble fighting back his emotions. “(Easton has) had a rough life so it’s really neat to see this happen,” said Grant.
Easton’s mom, Jalene Grant, said they come to the hospital every week and having the Hitmen hand Easton a teddy bear made their day a little brighter. “It just puts a smile on their face, everything they have to go through. To be able to take five minutes and do that is pretty awesome.”
So how did it all happen? Hitman Cody Sylvester scored at 3:49 in the first period, and then the game was delayed for 40 minutes while 16,844 fans threw bears onto the ice.
Wouldn’t you have loved to have been there? What a great tradition for hockey fans just in time for the holidays. The Teddy Bear Toss has been embraced by many other minor league hockey teams as well, so if there’s one in your area, make sure you go next year with your teddy bear in tow!
Makes perfect sense to me!
How Riverdance was born:
World War II a la FaceBook!
As we approach the end of the year, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past 12 months. Thanks to your sending me SO many informative emails, I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. For example:
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Fiddler Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .
Oh, by the way…..
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on their mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet
Another old favorite:
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME:
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should’ve known…… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Too much? Do you think?
A beautiful poem….
If you look for me at Christmas, you won’t need a special star-
I’m no longer just in Bethlehem, I’m right there where you are.
You may not be aware of Me, amid the celebrations-
You’ll have to look beyond the stores and all the decorations.
But if you take a moment from your list of things to do
And listen to your heart, you’ll find I’m waiting there for you.
You’re the one I want to be with, you’re the reason that I came,
And you’ll find Me in the stillness as I’m whispering your name.
Got something a little sensual today…woooo hooo!!!
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow
and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly
shut the door and we were alone. He approached me
soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low,
reassuring voice close to my ear.”Just relax.”
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his
strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently
probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but
steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I
should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care. His
touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands
moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and
partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I
felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands,
I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching,knowing what he
wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid
them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly
trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man
used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no’ for
an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man
who would look into my soul and say …
“Okay, ma’am, all done.” My eyes snapped open and he
was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.
“You can board your flight now.”
(he he heh)
This guy has been harassing Cash4Gold.com for so long, that this is the response he finally got. He was so proud of it that he framed it, took a picture of it and posted it on the internet. How cool is that?
The Old Country Boy’s:
DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?
If you’re an adult of average weight here is what you accomplish in 24 hours:
Your heart beats 103,689 times,
Your blood travels 168,000,000 miles,
You breathe 23,040 times,
You inhale 438 cubic feet of air,
You eat 3/4 pounds of food,
You drink 2.9 quarts of liquids,
You speak 4,800 words, including some unnecessary ones,
You move 750 muscles,
Your nails grow .000046 inch,
Your hair grows .01714 inch,
You exercise 7,000,000 brain cells.
Now … Don’t you feel tired?
Okay, well here’s a crappy subject for this time of the year, but since I’ve been getting more and more intelligence about it, I thought I’d share some of it.
Before I get too deeply into this, I want you to remember that NOTHING is itched in stone. This is just speculation and rumor, based on information that is disseminated in a gazzilion different ways and places. You’ll hear me mention that again, at least once.
Information has come to light, and is available in many public sectors, that the bad guys are planning something terroristic this holiday season. Does this really surprise anyone? No, I didn’t think so. Did you also know that “they” plan something for just about every holiday season, every year? And would it also surprise you to find out that the good guys have thwarted a lot of bad guy plots over the years? Google “Terrorist plots stopped” or something like that for some incredible examples of stuff that most of us don’t even realize is going on.
Lots of increased noise this year, so what can YOU do about it? For most of us, that’s the more important question. The biggest thing, the most important, number one on the list…keep your eyes open. Recognize things that are out of place, an unattended package, a bulky coat on a warm day, someone way over dressed or way underdressed for where they are, smells that aren’t right, sights that aren’t right. If something tells you that something is wrong, it probably is. Trust your instincts. It may not be a terrorist plot, but if something is wrong, figure out what is making you think that way. Keep your eyes and other senses open.
Lock your doors. You’re car doors if you are going to leave your car for any time at all, even if you are “just running into the store.” Your house doors and windows, even when you are home.
Don’t be in a huge crowd, but don’t be a lone target either. You may say, “Impish, what do you mean by that?” Well, here’s a for instance. Say you’re waiting for a train…subway or traditional, you can pick…you don’t want to stand with the huge crowd right on the edge of the platform, but you also don’t want to be all the way to the back by yourself, either. Pick something in between.
If you are going to the airport, get in and get through security. Don’t hang around the outside.
You get the idea? I’m sure you can think of a lot of others on your own. Don’t flash a lot of money, don’t announce yourself as American in a foreign country, etc. But mostly, be smart. Keep your eyes open and your wits about you. There are not enough of you smart campers out there that we can afford to lose any of you over something stupid.
And remember…nothing is certain. Don’t get all freaked out, because then they win anyway. Nothing is certain. Knowledge is a weapon, like any other and it needs to be kept sharp and clean.