Dragon Laffs #1143


ThursdayGood Morning Campers!  Another Thirsty Thursday is upon us.  Overwhelming evidence to the contrary, it really doesn’t feel like the weekend will EVER get here!  This week has been going on and on for a month now.  I don’t know about you, but I REALLY need a laugh…so, let’s get started!

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Pass to all 50 yrs and older
Cardiovascular Exercise
The  older we get the more important it is to incorporate  exercise
into our daily routine. This is necessary to  maintain cardiovascular
health and maintain  muscle mass.
If you’re  over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then  do
more repetitions as you become more proficient and  build stamina.
Warning: It may be too strenuous  for some.
Always  consult your doctor before starting any exercise  program!
Scroll 

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NOW  SCROLL UP
That’s  enough for the first day. Great  job.
Have  a glass of  Wine.

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DragonPapa1 (77)

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS  (from our dear camper friend Jeannie…)

1.  Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare… You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor
Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand and wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

Have a great holiday season

and Merry Christmas, Happy New Year! 

1q

A SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS


A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won’t stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won’t shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I’m happy when I’m not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze..
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won’t fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I’d really like to know…
Is what tells each one where to go?

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306

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here right now thinking how nice it is that wrinkles & fat don’t hurt.

1r

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? ‘You have been with me all through the bad times. When

I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side…  You know what?’


‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.


‘I think you’re bad luck… get the fuck away from me.’

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Groaner Zack

It was a dark and stormy night. Mark was walking through the cemetery. Suddenly, he heard a voice cry out, “Mark! Mark!”  Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking.

    Again the voice said, “Mark! Mark!”

    That did it. Mark took off full speed and didn’t stop till he was well outside the cemetery gate. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him.

    It was a dog with a speech impediment.

1s

wow2

Okay, this definitely falls under the category of WOW!

http://www.smartplanet.com/business/blog/smart-takes/implantable-artificial-kidney-may-cure-chronic-kidney-disease/12941/

A smart, artificial, implantable kidney!

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DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?
 
The surname SMITH appears 1 out of every 144 times in birth records.
 
Derived from the Anglo-Saxon “smitan,” to smite or strike, SMITH and its derivations are an occupational name for a man who works with metal (smith or blacksmith), one of the earliest jobs for which specialist skills were required. It is a craft that was practiced in all countries, making the surname and its derivations the most common of all surnames. Smith still tops the list of most popular surnames in England and America, and is also a very common last name in Germany, Ireland, Scotland, Canada and Australia.
 

Donate3222222

I’ve used this link before…amazing people doing amazing things:

http://forum.gon.com/showpost.php?p=5445396&postcount=1

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hallmarks of felinity-60

Yes, I know it’s political (although, there is a jab at the Republicans in there, too) and yes, I know I’ll hear about it….but you gotta admit….it is funny!

Conservative Christmas List

Dear President Obama,

Age disabuses us of many of the sweetest fables of our childhood. When I was younger, I believed that one man circled the globe every Christmas Eve giving away the products of someone else’s labor without regard to merit. Now I realize that’s basically your job. It’s probably for the best – eventually the elves would’ve unionized, the sleigh would’ve failed its emissions tests and the old man would’ve figured out that it just made more sense for him to kick back at the North Pole and collect unemployment.

Since you’re the one in the business of dispensing plenty, I thought I’d address my Christmas list to you this year. This should be pretty easy for you. You see, I’m a conservative (we’re a major political movement that … you know what, just look it up). And because I’m a conservative, I don’t want much more from you than to be left alone most of the time. Thus, my list this year is of things I’d like you to take away, not things I want from you. Please give some thought to getting rid of the following:

Your Wife’s Crusade Against Junk Food – Here’s the thing: I’m a stress eater and nothing stresses me more than a woman with a personal chef hectoring some kid in the suburbs for eating a Twinkie. So if she stops, I’ll stop. Deal?

Every Cabinet Department That’s Named After a Sector of the Economy – Education, Health and Human Services, Housing and Urban Development, Energy, Agriculture, Labor; is it just me or are all of these departments just an excuse for you to throw money at people you like until a Republican wins the presidency and gets to throw money at all the people he likes?

Your Weekly Video Addresses – So you can sit in a chair and deliver endless self-important monologues. I get it, but that’s not especially presidential, okay? Really, the camera is the only thing that makes you any different from the guy that everyone tries to avoid in the rest home rec room.

Intrusive Environmental Regulations – I’m a reasonable guy. I turn the lights off when I leave the room, only use my A/C when it’s needed and limit my electricity consumption by stealing my neighbor’s Internet. So please stop bugging me about what kinds of light bulbs I’m using and whether or not I’m driving a Prius. John Wayne would shoot out the tires on a Prius. As an American, that strikes me as a reasonable yardstick for judging public policy.

Julian Assange – One of the few things I expect from you to is to keep us safe. But how can I trust you to go nose to nose with Al Qaeda when you can’t stop a guy who looks like the Keebler Elf with the fastest modem? I don’t care how you punish him, but I could think of worst places to start than with a TSA patdown.

I know you’re a busy man, so I’ll limit my requests to those few items. One tip though: If you are able to deliver some of these gifts this year, I’d recommend knocking on the door instead of coming down the chimney. My family clings to their guns pretty bitterly.

Sincerely,

An American

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Be sure and put in your first name……

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Mother's Love

Nutshot

Office Politics

Groaner Zack

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Yes….it’s that bad that it needs two warnings!

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking
For an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a
Parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This
Seemed like the perfect gift.
 
“How do I get him to sing?” The young man asked, excitedly.
 
“Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet.” was the shop
Owner’s’ reply.
 
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot’s left foot. Chet
Began to sing: “Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! …” The shop owner then
Held another match under the parrot’s right foot. Then Chet’s tune
Changed, and the air was filled with: ” Silent Night, Holy Night…”
 
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran
Home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw
Her gift she was overwhelmed.
 
“How beautiful!” She exclaimed, “Can he talk?”
 
“No,” the young man replied, “But he can sing. Let me show you.”
 
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet’s
Left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: “Jingle
Bells! Jingle bells!…” The man then moved the lighter to Chet’s right
Foot, and out came: “Silent Night, Holy night…”
 
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, “What if we hold
The lighter between his legs?”
 
The man did not know. “Let’s try it,” he answered, eager to please his
Wife. So they held the lighter between Chet’s legs. Chet twisted his
Face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it
Was the performance of his life:
 
 
 
“Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire….”

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What a great picture!

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The Cow, the Ant and an Old Fart!


A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on

who is the greatest of the three of them. 

The cow said, “I give 20 quarts of milk every day and

that’s why I am the greatest!” 

The ant said, “I work day and night, summer and winter,

I can carry 52 times my own weight and

that’s why I am the greatest!”   


  
  
  
  
  
 
 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 

Why are you scrolling down?

It’s your turn to say something…

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nano29

WHOO HOO!  These are great!
 
Synchronized Christmas Lights With Music

Click your mouse here: 
Christmas Lights One
then
Click your mouse here: 
Chirstmas Lights Two

 

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THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW

NOW, THIS IS FUNNY – For those who are old enough to remember –

This Tim Conway and Carol Burnett skit Never aired   – I wonder why???

http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/75051/detail/

 

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