As of right now, I still have 863 Christmas cartoons, pictures and memes to use. I’m never gonna use them all up…LOL!
But, we’re gonna give it the ole dragon try!
We got smacked with our first significant snow of the season yesterday. They cancelled church this morning. Izzy didn’t think she was going to have to go to work.
I got her there.
She was mad.
It was only about 4 inches of snow. The roads were fairly clear, but even so, there were a couple of cars in the ditch from overnight. There always are, right?
Anyway, let’s get to some laffs and even more Christmas stuff.
I laughed so hard!!!!
I have SO MANY questions.
That is the absolute truth my friends. As someone who usually has a really crappy time this time of year, please be nice to people!
What does a turkey ringtone sound like? Wing, wing, wing.
Why was the turkey in the band? Because he had the drumsticks.
Why do they say turkeys have bad table manners? Because they can’t stop gobbling.
What do you call a running turkey? Fast food.
The real message in The Wizard of Oz is if you see nice shoes on a dead body just go for it.
Really good point!
If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
I want THAT for Christmas! It is SO my job!!!
A credit card has three dimensions: Length Width and Debt
Got a comment submitted by our dear friend Sammye, that I’m going to pass on to Aussie Pete:
Hey Dragon — I’m a little skeptical about those spiders in Australia….however, I can say that the bats sleeping in trees in Cairns were scary enough — even in broad daylight. Listening to them flying around at night isn’t so soothing either.
Sammye, I know nothing about either the spiders in Australia, nor the bats in Cairns, so how about it Campers?
Dare I say, we need more of this!
The wise man never says everything he thinks, but he always thinks everything he says.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Just like standing in a garage doesn’t make you a car.
7-year-old: You got a letter! Me: It’s a bill. I owe money. 7-year-old: Not if you throw it away. She’s my financial planner now.
YES I KNOW! Do you have any idea how often I get contacted by Santa this time of year?!?! STOP ASKING!!!
The biggest difference between a man and woman is the meaning of: “What an ass.”
Well, I started with 863 Christmas items in my folder and now I have 739, so that means I used 124 in this issue. So, at this rate I should make it…actually, at this rate, I should slow down. LOL.
But, I expect you guys will start sending me some real soon, too. But until next time…
So, it’s now December, Christmas season. And I’m going to start putting Christmas stuff in these issues. I will probably still have too much. What a terrible problem to have.
Today is Thanksgiving and Izzy and I are watching Avatar and Avatar 2 (I forget the name of the second one) and we will be having our traditional Thanksgiving dinner of schnitzel and rice. (It’s a long story, one I don’t really want to go into right now because I’m having a really tough day right now)
So, what do you say, we just jump right into the fun stuff, shall we?
It IS fun!
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your pa.”
A hillbilly was on trial for making moonshine whiskey.
A young neighbour of his was being grilled by the prosecutor.
“Did you ever get any whiskey from him?” asked the prosecutor.
“No, sir!”, said the neighbor.
“Did you ever get any from his wife?”‘ he asked.
“No, sir,” said the neighbor.
“Did you ever get any from his daughter?” asked the prosecutor.
The young neighbor thought a minute and said “Your Honor, are we STILL talking about whiskey?”
I heard that you should always look into a mirror before making a big decision.
It helps you reflect.
Three kings that came from a fire.
Why does my wife always wait until I’m at the opposite end of the house before asking me to”Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!”?
Left over from Thanksgiving, funniest turkey videos…
I remember making candy cane shanks.
Parents today: Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.
Parents in the 80’s: Bye
I am 100% positive that this is Aussie Pete’s response to my shopping cart rant. The odd part MAY be that he may have sent this before my rant appeared in print.
I have so many questions.
“How to Remove Leaves From Your Lawn”
By Ray King
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on grizzly bears unless they have been given a strong anesthetic.
There’s safety in numb bears.
I REALLY want to go there!
You know those orange cones they set up on the highways for you to knock down? Well, I just beat my high score!
Girlfriend: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant? Me: Leave that to me. [Later at dinner] Her Dad: [Coughs] I need water. Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!
Well, back to a somewhat normal issue after all the special issues. But soon, like probably starting with the next issue, I’ll have to start adding Christmas cartoons and memes because I have over 900 of them in my files. That doesn’t even count the new ones that you guys will be sending me.
Man, I love this job!
Especially when I get comments like this one from a new commenter:
dinosaurunadulterated: I just want to say … I love your sends, always a nice variety!! So many fun giggles to make my day! Thanks for taking the time to do this…You Rock!
Now, I may not answer all of the comments that I get on the site and I’m not really sure that you guys can see the replies when I do reply, but I do read all of them, and I have to tell you, that it’s comments like that, that make all this worthwhile. It is nice to be appreciated for what you do. Thanks Dino!
Now, before I get too maudlin, …
That’s another sign I need. Put it next to the one about ammo being expensive and we no longer fire a warning shot.
There’s no WAY that serial number is random!
Well, that’s about as blank as they come.
Return your shopping cart. How much of a true heathen do you have to be to leave your shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot? It’s almost worse than littering. With littering, it’s a casual disregard for anyone else. You’re just a slob who probably doesn’t even rinse their dirty dishes or helps with the chores around the house. But with a shopping cart, it’s a calculated snobbery. A purposeful assholery designed to prove your perceived self-importance. Because you must move said shopping cart out of the way of YOUR vehicle, but can’t be bothered to keep it out of the way of other people’s vehicle or move it to the cart coral or back up to the store where it belongs because it’s … what? Too much trouble? Too far out of the way? You know where I see the fewest carts? Near the handicap parking spots. Think about that for a minute. So, if someone who’s entitled to a handicap spot can manage to put their cart up, but you can’t … ?
Okay, I’m done with that pet peeve. We won’t even get started on serving staff.
Understanding Engineers Lingo
Percussive maintenance – I hit it and it started working
Cycle power to the panel – Turn it off and on again
High impedance air gap – I forgot to plug it in
Organic grounding – I got electrocuted
Thermally reconfigured – It melted
Kinetic disassembly – It blew up
No kidding…
Can’t prove it by us.
“You and your husband don’t seem to have an awful lot in common,” said the new tenant’s neighbour. “Why on earth did you get married?”
“I suppose it was the old business of ‘opposites attract’,” was the reply.
“He wasn’t pregnant and I was.”
A married man had only one complaint: his wife was always nursing sick birds.
One February evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its wing sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table, instead of dinner, there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin. In the kitchen, his wife was comforting a shivering little wren she found out in the snow.
The furious husband strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. “I can’t take it any more! We’ve got to get rid of all of these #(@ birds!”
The wife held up her hand and cut him off in mid-sentence.
“Please, Dear, no cuss words in front of the chilled wren.”
My 17 year old daughter, Steph who had just received her provisional diving licence offered to drive us to church.
After a wild ride, we finally reached our destination.
Steph’s mother got out of the car and said, “Thank you.”
“Anytime,” Steph replied.
As my wife slammed the door, she said, “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to God.”
Old man on park bench crying. A concerned pedestrian enquires, “why are you crying?”
Old man: “I just celebrated my 85th birthday, and I got married yesterday to an 18 year old nyphomaniac blonde beauty who is all a man could ask for”.
Pedestrian: “Why are you crying ?”
Old man: “I don’t remember where I live.”
Shopping carts
Marg: I’ll tell you one thing! I’m never going out with my friend Stephanie again!
Gail: Why on earth not? You two are best friends!
Marg: Yeah, well, last night a good-looking man walked up to our table at the bar, said hello, and told us his name. I told him that my name is Marg, and introduced my friend Stephanie. He said, “Wow! On a one to ten scale, you two ladies make a twenty!”
I said, “Really?”
He said, “Yeah! Your friend Stephanie here is definitely a 15!”
When you walk away from your problems, be sure to give them over to God.
This is one of the worst things that I’ve ever heard of! I’d have gotten his name and his company and filed a formal complaint at the very least.
There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
Edith Wharton (1862 – 1937)
A college student has been thrown out of his apartment for not paying his rent, so he sends an e-mail to his father.
“Please send money. I’m in the street.”
The father replies, “Have no money. Watch out for cars.”
I know a LOT of people for which this would be a deal breaker of EVER going to Australia.
Bernie and Esther were not the most religious Jews and in fact they really only went to Temple once a year.
As they were leaving the Temple, the Rabbi said, “Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!”
“I know,” replied Bernie, “but at least we keep the Ten Commandments.”
“That’s great,” the Rabbi said. “I’m glad to hear that you keep the Commandments.”
“Yep,” Bernie said proudly, “Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four.”
And that’s it for this one my friends.
With this weekend being what it is, I’m going to try to jump right into the next issue. I’m hoping you enjoyed this one as much as I did. Be well my dear friends and may our dear Lord Bless you with Love and Happiness, Strength and Comfort.
It’s Thanksgiving! Well, by the time you read this it will be, for me it’s the Saturday before when I’m starting this. I’m trying to get a jump on it because I think it’s going to be a busy week. Izzy is even talking about setting up the Christmas tree today!
BLASPHEMY!
She needs to wait AT LEAST until the day after Thanksgiving. It’s not called “Black Friday” for nothin’!
Okay, that doesn’t sound right and really doesn’t make much sense, but there you go.
We all really DO have so much to be thankful for, not the least of which is each other. I am so very thankful for each and every one of you who take the time to read and respond and submit and help to make this happen three times a week.
We are thankful most importantly, for the Blessings of Our Lord in Heaven, who has taken such GREAT care of us throughout all of our tribulations. What more could anyone possibly need?
Let’s jump in, shall we?
Can’t be any worse than the old C-Rations…and probably a bit better.
So very true!
New Corporate Policy
Our Corporate Operations Committee has defined a lower cost alternative to the previously planned switch to LINUX systems. All computers will be removed from every desktop.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are many sound and viable reasons for this decision:
1. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
2. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
3. Reduction in technical support calls will reduce our costs associated with maintaining our I.S. help desk.
4. Reduction in hardware costs.
5. Elimination of all software license fees.
6. Reduction in the amount of training necessary for new hires.
7. Can be used at the desktop as well as away from the office due its extreme portability.
8. Extremely low cost makes them disposable (when one breaks, we will simply replace it).
9. We can now hire 1st graders to do your job.
10. We will maintain a virus free environment…No more Norton. In anticipation of the questions some of you will undoubtedly have regarding this corporate decision, we have prepared a list of the most Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don’t shake it.
Well……. actually, it’s past that time by now.
Yup! We definitely be gettin’ a letter!
His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer.
She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the “miracle” products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, “Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?”
He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, “Well, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five.”
“Oh, you’re so sweet!”
“Well, hang on, I’m not done adding it up yet.”
If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do NOT play dead.
Amen. Hence, one of my huge dislikes for this holiday.
True story.
All I’m saying is, the house doesn’t fill up with fruit flies when I buy donuts.
Now THAT is one scary sign!
I invented a new word today:
Plagiarism
I do! I do!
The world is full of willing people, some willing to work and the rest willing to let them.
Robert Frost (1874–1963)
Although, it really looks like it says “GLVE THANKS”
Yeah….he deserves it. Aussie Pete contributes a LOT of stuff.
Sure! … It could work…
And that’s it! Holy cow! What an issue! I ran out of room. I pray you all have/had a truly blessed Thanksgiving and that this little offering brought a smile to your faces. For those of you who may not be spending the day with family, know that you are loved just as much.
May our God in Heaven, whom we all owe ALL thanksgiving to, bless you all with warmth, comfort, and love until we can meet again.
As promised in the last issue, I’m starting this pretty much right after the last one so as to try to get ahead a little. I’ve been super busy lately between working, the jail, FBI, and my other ministries. God has been good to me and has kept me so very blessed.
It is Thanksgiving week so we will start with the Thanksgiving cartoons and memes today. We’ve already discussed my personal feelings on the holiday, so no need to go into that further, so let’s jump into our issue and
Just…why?
Because it came up today and not on 28 June, that’s why.
Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress.
He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.
As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband’s opinion.
By this time he had learned just the right things to say.
“It’s perfect!” he exclaimed. “It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips.”
Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. “If there is a dress here that will do that, I’ll buy them all!”
A farmer’s horse dies and he heads into town to buy a replacement.
He heads to the local horse dealer to see what’s available. He looks at several fine horses but they are all way beyond what he can afford. He explains his predicament to the dealer who tells him,
“Come around back, I think I may have something for you”
He shows him a horse that while not as impressive as those out front, seems to be healthy and strong. And the price is less than half the others.
“Before I can sell you this horse,” explains the dealer, “There’s something I have to tell you”
“I knew there had to be a catch” said the farmer, “What is it?”
“Well, this horse likes to sit on banana peels.” said the dealer. “If he sees a banana peel anywhere, he’ll sit on it and you won’t be able to budge him for half an hour”
The farmer thinks this over for a while and decides that it’s pretty unlikely he’ll come across too many banana skins, so he agrees to buy the horse.
He saddles it up and heads for home. A few miles down the trail the farmer is feeling pretty good about the whole deal, the horse is sure footed and responds well to the reins. He figures he’s got a good bargain.
Suddenly, up ahead, he spies something yellow on the ground. As they get closer he realizes that it’s a banana peel.
The trail is too narrow to go around the banana peel so he decides to cross to the trail on the other side of the river. He steers the horse into the river and they start to cross.
Halfway across the river the horse suddenly sits down and the farmer is thrown into the water cracking his head on a rock.
Nothing the farmer can do will get the horse on it’s feet again. Soaking wet, bleeding and shivering with cold, the farmer wades to the other bank.
Half an hour later the horse gets back on its feet and walks to shore. The farmer rides it back to the farm without incident.
The next time the farmer is in town, the dealer sees him and asks how he’s making out with his new horse.
“Terrible!” says the farmer. He points to the gash on his head and tells him the story of what happened in the river.
The dealer smacks his hand to his forehead and says…
“Oh! I forgot to tell you! He sits on fish too”
Hmm, I wonder ……
Ummmmm….. I have questions ….. who’s gonna …… never mind.
Tired of the inconvenience of the drive from airport to country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage.
On his next trip, he made his approach down the airport runway as usual.
Alarmed, his wife cried out, “Are you crazy? You can’t land this plane here without wheels!”
The startled husband abruptly yanked the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster.
Continuing, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap.
As he sat there, visibly shaken he said to his wife, “I don’t know what got into me. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life!”
And with that, he opened the door and stepped out, falling into the water.
Another reason to just LOVE Thanksgiving.
Yes! Like that! But EVERY SINGLE DAY!
I haven’t been by this spot on the highway in a while … I wonder if this billboard is still up…
As a history buff, I was looking forward to staying in a hotel in Salisbury, England, that dated back to the 13th century.
But when I arrived, the hotel clerk gave me some bad news–my room was in the new section.
Disappointed, I asked when the ‘new’ section had been built.
“In the 1600s,” she replied apologetically.
And therein lies the problem. You ARE free to do whatever you want to do. That’s what free will is all about. But you want to do X. You are perfectly within your rights and free to do X. All we are trying to tell you is these few things, now listen up. #1 God loves you. That’s the biggest one. #2 God will NOT tolerate sin. #3 According to God, X is a sin. Now, for our part. We love you, too. We do not want to see you go to hell. Because you see, because of #2 above, if you don’t get right with God, that’s where you are going to end up. It’s not that we are such a hateful, intolerant bigot, quite the opposite in fact. We love you so much we don’t want to see you spend ETERNITY (which is a really long time) in an unending painful burning fire over living a life of sin that is such a miniscule amount of time here on earth. Especially when all you have to do is change your ways, repent of your sins, accept Christ as your Savior and go and do the best you can from then on. You’re going to mess up again. We all do. So pick yourself up, rinse and repeat. Try not to mess up again, at least not the same way you just did, repent again (apologize sincerely) and go on and keep doing the best you can. Read your Bible. Go to a good church. Fellowship. It all helps. It’s not rocket surgery.
Impish, you didn’t say anything about getting baptized.
Nope, I didn’t. You SHOULD get baptized, you don’t HAVE to get baptized to be saved. Baptism is an outward expression of an inward change. And yes I know that goes against a LOT of denominations, but TRUST me when I tell you that it being a requirement is NOT biblical. I’ll give you one definitive proof: the thief on the cross. If you need more of an explanation than that, write to me and I’ll be happy to share it.
The bar tab of a 1787 farewell party for George Washington is still intact. According to the tab, the Founding Fathers drank: 54 bottles of Madeira 60 bottles of Claret 7 bottles of Whiskey 22 bottles of Porter 8 bottles of Hard Cider 12 bottles of Beer and 7 bowls of Alcoholic Punch
There were 55 attendees.
Doing just a little math and not counting the punch, that only averages 3 bottles each. Now, when you figure in that you can get multiple servings out of the Madeira, Claret, Whiskey, and the Alcoholic Punch, we are WAY past the 3 bottles each limit.
That’s actually a pretty good answer.
Bananas are not trees because they have no wood. Instead, they are herbs, and the banana is actually a berry. I actually heard this as a trivia question on the radio today!!
The “I got a boyfriend” line doesn’t work anymore.
Now you gotta say, “I’m looking for a man to pay all of my bills.” Works like a charm!
YES! OF COURSE!
This is a screenshot grabbed from my FBI (Faith Bible Institute) class showing where slavery is still prevalent today. I thought I was going to be surprised, but I really wasn’t.
Come on, really? You don’t get that one? WKRP? The great turkey drop?
An absolute classic
How can we expect people who can’t tell the difference between a man and a woman to understand the difference between a King and a President?
That’s it my friends. I hope you enjoyed this one as much as I did. May you all enjoy the rest of your week. I hope you get to take some time off to spend with your families.
