Well…having been to the doctor on Tuesday and the dietician today, I’m not a happy dragon.

Although, I’m not completely unhappy either. I’ll not bore you with the details, but for those of you who know what this means, my hemoglobin A1C is at 8.6, which I don’t think is incredibly bad, but the doctors seem to think is horrible. It has crept up over the last few years from a 6.5. 

So, if I want to live a healthy long life, I’ll get it back down to the 6.5 where it was. And not discuss the length of life I desire. 

Sigh.

Nor the fact that these blankety blank dentures keep me from being able to eat real food. 

Anyway, enough of that crap.

A man is asking a farmer about his two cows.
Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day?
Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: About a half-gallon a day.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: About a half-gallon a day.
Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them?
Farmer: Which one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: She eats grass.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: She eats grass, too.
Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same?
Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine.
Man: Oh, and the black one?
Farmer: It’s mine, too.

This next one is hilarious! I gather this guy does this stuff all the time.

This link is from Stephanie…I really need to get her her own header…and it’s really good. I highly recommend clicking…

HERE

A helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing.  

Luckily there was a small cottage nearby.
 
The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door.  “Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asked the woman who answered the door.
 
She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds.  “No,” she finally said, pointing down the road, “but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.”

Help! “Send someone over quickly!” the old woman screamed into the phone. “Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!”

“This is the Fire Department, lady,” the voice replied. “I’ll have to transfer you to the Police Department.”

“No, it’s YOU I want!” she yelled. “They need a longer ladder!”

This next one is from brother Joe and it’s called Help Desk and some of these are just GREAT!

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
 
Female customer: A white one…
 
——
 
Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
 
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
 
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
 
Helpdesk: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note …”
 
Customer: No … wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry …….
 
——
 
Helpdesk: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
 
Customer: Your left or my left?
 
——
 
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
 
Male customer: Hello… I can’t print.
 
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and …
 
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates damn it!
 
 
——
 
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. 
Every time I try it says ‘Can’t find printer’.
 I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…
 
——
 
Customer: I have problems printing in red…
 
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
 
Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.
 
——
 
Helpdesk: What’s on your monitor now ma’am?
 
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
 
——
 
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.

Customer: It’s not working.
 
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
 
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing’s happening…
 
——
 
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
 
Helpdesk: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
 
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
 
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
 
Customer: OK
 
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
 
Customer: Yes
 
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
 
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work!
 
——
 
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
 
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? –
 
——
 
A customer couldn’t get on the internet.
 
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
 
Customer: Yes I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
 
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
 
Customer: Five stars.
 
——
 
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
 
Customer: Netscape.
 
Helpdesk: That’s not an antivirus program.
 
Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.
 
——
 
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
 
——
 
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
 
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you.  Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
 
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don’t understand your problem?
 
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
 
——
 
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
 
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
 
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
 
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

And absolutely none of those surprise me.

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. or a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.” The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

I’ve got a LOT more Pickles lined up next to go (I guess they lined up alphabetically in my files) so rather than keep going with them, for the sake of variety, I’m going to skip over them and go on to something else and come back to the Pickles next issue.

This is an old one, but I always liked it.

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do Gods work.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. 

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. 

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction…
I read to the end and say, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

“If we knew what it was, we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?”
– Albert Einstein

And that, my friends, brings another episode to a close. Tune in next time for another exiting edition of your favorite ezine.

Just as a reminder, there’s still time to donate to this year’s “let’s pay the bills” donation drive.

We’re still stalled out right here. Now, we’re close enough that I’m willing to push us over the top, so no worries.

Three ways to contribute, go to the website at dragonlaffs.com and on the upper right hand side you’ll see a place to donate that takes you to my PayPal site where you can donate. You don’t have to have a PayPal account to do so.

Second and third, you can write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and I can give you my snail mail address where you can send me a check, money order or the like or I can give you the email address where you can Zelle me. The Zelle email is NOT the impishdragon address.

Thank you to the 16 wonderful campers who have funded us for pretty much the next year.

May you all be blessed by God until we can meet again.

I have had such a busy week. I’m running out of time to get my issues done and this Thursday … today for you guys, I start back in on the next semester of FBI, which means homework every night and 3 hours of class every Thursday night … BUT I LOVE IT!!!! Oh, it SO GREAT! I learn SO MUCH about the Bible and about history and … just WOW!

I’ll tell you guys all about it as we go.

Saw my doctor today and I guess other things in my life are going to change. Not crazy about that. I guess I have to eat like a real person instead of a retarded teenager. What do I mean by that? Well, I haven’t been paying attention today because I’ve been busy as all-get-out. It’s now 1730 hrs., (530 pm) my stomach just rumbled and I just realized that all day long today I’ve had a cup and a half of coffee and … well … that’s it.

I’m hungry, and I’d love to eat something, but I hate eating because of my STUPID [expletive deleted] DENTURES! That’s the same thing I  told the doctor today. She asked me about my diabetes going up and I told her flat out that my diet stinks. Because I hate eating because of my teeth. I’d love to get implants, but at the price of those stupid things … maybe some day.

So, she talked me into seeing the office dietician today…Thursday … that hasn’t happened for me yet, but it is today for you guys. It’s Tuesday for me.

I’m rushing through this because I have jail tomorrow and I’ll have to take more leave on Thursday to go back to the doctor’s office and then have FBI on Thursday night.

I have to go eat, but I really don’t want to. It just doesn’t hold the interest for me that it used to. I’d run out for a burger or something, but I don’t want to take the time, so I throw a TV dinner in the microwave and she tells me that’s the worst possible thing in the world I could do.

So I guess I’ll go warm up a can of Hormel Chili. You guys laff at this stuff while I go do that.

(Grandpa) No one seems to know the value of a dollar these days!
(Grandson) That’s easy Grandpa, just look at the dollar menu.

Two men were hanging out at the water cooler at work early one Monday morning. 

“Well. What did you do this past weekend?” asked the first man. 

“On Saturday, I spent the day with my wife and kids, and on Sunday I dropped some hooks into water,” replied the second man. 

“Oh. Fishing, ‘eh?” said the first man.
 
“Nope, golfing,” replied the second man.

A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. 

At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing “Happy Birthday.”
 
Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped. 

Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it. 

When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to “The Old Gray Mare, She Ain’t What She Used to Be!”

That is so absolutely marvelous and so absolutely true.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
 
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

That takes a little bit of time to wrap your head around, but it’s actually pretty good.

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: “This bill is one year old.”

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: “Happy Birthday.”

A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desperately to catch a train back to his suburban home. 

Three times he got on the wrong train. Each time he was told that he would have to take another train. 

When he boarded a fourth train he slumped down in a seat beside a clergyman, whose eyes, ears and nose told him that this new passenger had been drinking too much. 

He told our besotted friend: “Brother, may I tell you that you are traveling the rough and rocky road to damnation.”
 
To which the drunk replied: “Don’t tell me I’m on the wrong train again!”

This one is from Joe and seems familiar to me, so I may have used it in the past, but it is pretty good, so I’ll run it again perhaps if it is a rerun.

A rich man went to his vicar and said, “I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I’ll have a surprise for you”.
 
The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
 
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built.
 
“It’s the finest building money can buy, vicar,” said the man. “No expense was spared.”
 
And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.  But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. “A church with only one pew?” asked the vicar.
 
“You just wait until Sunday,” the rich man said.
 
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. 

When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. 

When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. 

And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
 
“Wonderful!” said the vicar, “Marvelous!”
 
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o’clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. 

Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
 
“Wonderful!” said the congregation,

Yeah, we’ve all been there.

Yeah, we’ve all been there.

Oh wait, sorry.

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. 
 
“What would you say if I told you that I’ve been sleeping with your best friend?” she asked provocatively. 
 
“Well,” he mused, “I’d say that you’re a lesbian.”   

Little boy: “Mommy, what happens when a car gets so old and rusty that it won’t move anymore?”
Mom: “Someone sells it to your father.”

Wrapped this one up just in time. On my way to the jail. God’s blessings to you my friends.

I’m pretty much running right on time here. Today is Saturday and this issue should be for Monday. I’ll work on this one today and maybe get started on the next one this weekend.

Thought I was going to get to sleep in this morning. Didn’t have to take Izzy to work. Oh, she was working today and you’re thinking like I would be that, “YAY! She drove herself to work!” 

Nope! Her girlfriend drove her to work so they could go to Walmart together after work.

I know she’s trying and she drives herself on short little hops here and there. I think she is just afraid of the highway. She’ll get over it eventually. I keep pushing her (just a tiny bit) here and there and she’ll get used to it. The thing is, she’s a really good driver.

Anyway, thought I was going to get to sleep in this morning, but remembered that I had Men’s Breakfast this morning, then there will be church tomorrow morning. I get a little lie in … and extra hour maybe, if I want it, but with Izzy working and banging around and the dogs up and moving around, it’s hard to keep that relaxing sleep. So I might as well just get up.

So, nothing else interesting going on at this point. Donations still haven’t changed since Saturday’s issue…at least as of this moment.

I’d like to see a little bit more added to the total before the end of the month. We are just about there for paying the bills, no where near the totals we’ve had in the past, but that’s okay. Things are tough for a lot of us right now. Maybe by the time I’m done with this issue there’ll be an update. In the meantime, …

Now THAT is my kind of waiter!

 

I’m with the cat on this one.

 

I really HAVE to go to this place!

“I’ve created a new computer that is almost human.”
“You mean that it can think, feel and reason just like a human would?”
“No, but when it makes a mistake, it blames it on another computer.”

A Navy officer was cutting through the crew’s quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him. 

“Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?” the officer demanded. 

“No, sir, but we don’t land airplanes on the roof either.”

It’s simple. Because Martha was not a politician. It’s not like Pelosi is the only one doing it.

You’re in a casino, playing Blackjack (21), and the dealer shows a ten/face card.

What medication do you hope the dealer is taking?  An ace inhibitor!

Why doesn’t that surprise me?

 

I can only imagine in some places this “meal kit” sold out rather quickly.

 

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago. 

“The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.,” a ticket agent said, “and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m.” 

“Would you repeat that, please?” Bob asked. 

The agent did so and then inquired, “Do you want a reservation?” 

“No,” said Bob, “But I think I’ll hang around and watch that thing take off.”

You’d think that … ahhh, never mind.  

Just another day around here.

 

A man went camping in a state park. Before leaving his car to go hiking he left a note on the dashboard saying, “The stereo is broke.”  He did this to deter thieves from breaking into his older model car.

When returning from his hike the man noticed his car window was broken and the stereo was cut from the dashboard.

A note was left by the thief saying, “We’ll fix it.”

 

Love that one. Great visual. Matthew 19:24

I don’t know why they are all democrats, I’m sure there’s a bunch of Republicans we can think of that need to be on that list, also.

Next is a classic amongst classics! Thanks to my old pal Jonathon for sending this one along!

 

That is a fantastic definition! May someone please think of me that way when they think of a Christian!

 

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
“You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!”
The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

My wife asked me to remind her to get ice cream for a pie we had on the way home.
I immediately bellowed, “REMEMBERRRRRR THEEE AALLAMOOODE!!!

And I would bet good money that you also immediately got slapped.

I stayed at a little country cottage during my spring vacation; my landlady kept animals.

On the first day, one of her chickens died, so we had roast chicken for dinner.

On the second day, one of her pigs died, so we had honey baked ham for dinner.

On the third day, one of her sheep died, so we had lamb chops for dinner.

On the fourth day, her husband died, so I left before dinner.

If all your problems are behind, you…
Then you might be a school bus driver!

There are so many things that I’d like to go into, but given the opportunity and the keyboard…they elude me. I’m sure, as soon as I close this issue out, I’ll think, “darn! I wanted to talk about … ” 

So let me just end with this. Thank you all  so much for your support over the years that you have been with me. I have some things on my mind that I need to get down on paper and maybe in the near future I’ll talk to you guys about it. It’s actually quite the long story and involves my distant past that is coming back to haunt me in an unusual way. Not a bad way, just an unusual way.

Until then, and until we speak again, may our Good Lord Bless you and Keep you and Smile His Face Upon You. May Love and Happiness be filled up in your  life.

     Another new favorite header. Thanks AP.
     I’m not sure where I’m at date wise. This one is either going out tomorrow (Saturday) or Monday. I’ve had one of those crazy last couple of days. As my mom used to say, “I’ve been pulled from pillar to post.”
     I really wonder where that term comes from.
     Well, after a fast Google search it seems it dates back to medieval times when someone was punished they were tied to a post and whipped and afterward were moved to somewhere else, like the town square  and attached to a pillar where they could be viewed by the town’s folks and most probably mocked and jeered. There is some mention of a pillory instead of a pillar, which actually makes a bit more sense. This is a pillory:

     You’d be whipped on a whipping post and moved to a pillory for the remainder of your punishment in the town square.
     So, when someone, like yours truly, says they feel like they’ve been pulled from pillar to post, it makes a bit more sense and we’ve now gone WAY afield, as is our wont when all I was trying to say is that I’ve had a busy day or so doing a bit of scut work today on my day off.
     I copied fifteen copies of twenty-six lessons for our next study at the jail which I need to be ready for starting next week. That’s 390 lessons that were copied, stapleless-stapled and gotten ready to go. It for the jail, so they can’t have any regular staples in them so we staple them with stapleless-staples.
     Plus, FBI starts next week again (I’m so excited!!!!!) and since I’m now running that, there was work I had to do to get THAT ready.
     Plus some other stuff.
     Like I said, scut work.
     All that to say that I’m not sure when this episode is coming out, and I have a lesson to do this afternoon and buddy wheats, through text conversation just reminded me, I haven’t eaten a single thing all day.
     So, let’s break ground on this then I need to get my butt in gear and get things going…but first!

     We now have one full row!  Look at that!!!!! Man, I’m so proud of you guys! I can’t say that enough. Now for the roll-call!

Pop Smith, Steven H., Henry S., Michael F., Catherine B., Donald G., Stephen B., Kristine M., Leah H., Edmund R., Sammye, Kenny B., Jonathon J., Ted H., Robert B., and Kenneth R.

     Thank you all so very, very much. Just a few weeks left for the rest of you to jump in. Be part of the few, part of the proud, part of the … oh wait, that’s the Marines. You get the idea.

     You can go to the website, dragonlaffs.com, and click the donate thingy and that will take you to PayPal where you do NOT have to have a PayPal account to donate. I have a QR code that I can send you where you can donate bank to bank (supposedly it’s safe to publish here but … I don’t know … I’d rather send it to you by email if you ask for it.) through Zelle. I’ve done Zelle several times both sending and receiving, never had a hitch. Most banks use it. Or you can use snail mail. These last you can get from me by writing to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com.
     Now we can jump in and get this started…

     Okay, so yes, it’s an old joke, but it’s still funny.

     And that one is too.

     Boy, ain’t that the truth!

     I have GOT to get me one of these signs! But…thinking about it…why spoil the fun…

My grandson, Justin, returned from his first time in church and was asked how it went. He said, “The music was nice, but the commercial was too long.”

     I’m almost 100% sure that there isn’t a court in the world that would convict a mother for beating their child into unconsciousness for that.

So, for us Americans:
The Cheetah is at 75 mph
The Sailfish is at 68 mph
The Peregrine Falcon is at an amazing 242 mph!

I so very much agree with that! I love my waffles!

Wow! How’d they do that?

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.

Man…I wish I could say that.

Well…at least I don’t stab ALL of them.

You really gotta wonder about that second one.

Imagine how many disappointed men showed up for this.

At the supermarket, a woman shopped with her four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, “Mommy! Mommy!” while she tried to shop.

Finally, she blurted out, “I don’t want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!”

The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother’s dress and said softly, “Excuse me, miss.”

I’m sorry, that may make me bad, but that one really cracked me up!

I was having dinner with a chess player that had just received notification that she has received the prestigious chess designation of “Master”.

Due to the checkered tablecloth, It took her two hours to pass me the ketchup.

This is my new favorite meme! Can you imagine getting this in return from “Hey, how’s it going?” I laughed SO hard!

The editor of a small country Newspaper, furious over several government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing editorial with an enormous headline “HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS”‘.
 
Many local Politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline “HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS”.

Lasers were once a huge scientific breakthrough; now we use them to play with cats.

Computers were once a huge scientific breakthrough; now we use them to look at cats.

Conclusion: Science was made for cats.

Yup, I knew that.

Okay, this one is worth clicking and worth watching. It’s very short and it is a GREAT response to the settler vs. immigrant question. Thanks to dear Stephanie for sending this one in. Click …

Here

Works for me.

Awww, why not? You take all the fun out of everything!

Too easy.

Realizing at the last minute that it was his father’s birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card.

He quickly found a son-to-father card but neglected to read it carefully.

Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud, “Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I’m a father too . . .”

Nah! Nighttime is dark so you can sleep better.

“The moment where you doubt you can fly, you cease for ever being able to do it.”
– J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

There’s something very akin to faith and the Lord in there. We’re told that (and I’m paraphrasing here) with the faith the size of a mustard seed, we could move mountains. By the way, do you know how big a mustard seed is? I had to look this up for my class on the Armor of God. It is about a third the size of a grain of rice. I could go into a long “proof” for you here, but faith is a given…a truth. Meaning that we all have it, if we choose to use it. It says so in the Bible and the Bible is the inerrant Word of God, that makes it absolute truth. Which means our faith is not even the size of a mustard seed.

I know that I am going to Heaven when I die. I know that my sins are forgiven. There are many other things that I know, through faith, right? I’ve had miracles PROVEN to me, right in front of my face, so why can’t I move that mountain?

Because it’s not part of God’s plan to have that mountain moved right now? Probably. What did Jesus say to Peter when he talked about having the faith to walk on the water? He said, “keep your eyes on me.” Therein lies the answer. We must keep our eyes on Jesus.

Completely lost track of my original point, but had fun getting to where I got. So, on with the show.

When I was in college, I was really into this girl named Greta, but I was shy back then and not at all assertive. The girl and two of her friends were going to a nerdy Halloween party and decided to go as the first digits of pi (3.14).  They needed someone to be the decimal, and I volunteered thinking it would give me a chance to talk to Greta. I was really excited until I got there and realized that she was the 4, which meant there was someone between us all night. I was miserable, barely spoke to anyone, and went home alone.  Thing is, the whole reason I went to the party was that I really thought she was the one.

Not at all like the bat that woke me up flying around my bedroom at 4 am the other morning! Yeah, that’s what it’s like living in a 125 year old house sometimes. I have video…I chased him out to the living room, closed the bedroom door, and went back to bed. When I got home from work at 330 that afternoon, I tracked him down, when I knew he would be dormant, tossed his tiny butt outside and all was right with the world. Yeah, I was annoyed, but not enough to lose my last hour and a half of sleep over it.  Until next time my dear friends. Don’t forget you still have time to donate. May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.

I should thank Aussie Pete more often for the headers that he sends me.  I have so many stocked up and ready to use that I may never have to make up another one on my own (unless I feel like it) again. 

This one today really speaks to my current mood.

Today is Tuesday, as I’m writing this and I took the day off, first, because I worked all weekend and I have some hours to kill.  I don’t get overtime because, as a supervisor, my OT rate is like $1 more than my regular rate, but because it’s technically OT it is taxed higher and I end up  losing money. So, when I work the weekend, I just try to take time off during the week to make my biweekly hours (80) work out right. So I worked Saturday and Sunday so I’m taking Tuesday and Friday off.

The second reason I’m taking today off is because Izzy is off and we are going to do some “chores” around the house today.

But, back to why that header is speaking to me. I’ve been feeling a little down the past few days. Working by butt off, feeling lonely, thinking about retirement, I have buddy Wheats who’s still recovering from his heart attack, one of our church members just passed away, a Christian brother that I met in Florida when my brother passed away just broke his femur and had surgery, I was asked to pick up a couple of extra classes, FBI is getting ready to start back up again and now I’m the administrator and there’s work involved with that, that I’m still learning, and I’m trying to get ahold of the prison where one of my jail guys got sent to because I mailed him a bible, followed all the rules, and they still didn’t give it to him when it arrived.

But on the other side, I needed to run to the store this morning before Izzy got up, so I jumped on the trike and had a fast ride this morning. This, of course, put a big smile on my face, lightened my mood, and made me feel like a million bucks. So, look at the picture again and you can see the two moods present at the same time and understand why that one is speaking to me this morning.

Izzy is now up, but is no where NEAR ready to start choring, so I’m with you guys for a little while longer.  I should be pretty happy.  It’s only 9:15 and it’s her day off and she’s up.  I’ll give her some grace.

In the mean time…

No wait! Let’s do this update first!

As you can see, we have more $ signs up there.  More people to thank this morning! I love you guys! You are doing such a great job! Here we go:

Henry S.   Pop Smith   Steven H.   Michael F.   Catherine B.   Donald G.   Stephen B.   Kristine M.   Leah H.   Edmund R.   Sammye C.   Kenny B.   Jonathon J.   Ted H.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!  You guys are awesome!

And now…

When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the problem quickly and, since  he needed to replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too.  

Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he’d found inside the dryer. He didn’t know where it belonged, but he confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out once he got into the job. 

“I have the other parts,” the clerk said, “but for the wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your wife’s bra.”

It’s doubtful. If you look to the left, it almost looks like he already HAS a belt that doesn’t seem to be working. I’m thinking there’s no hope.

By the way, Izzy and I got our chores done for the day. Only for the day. We did not complete everything that I wanted to do. But, we did get quite a bit done…so I’m happy with that. So, I’m back with you guys.

Yeah, that’s not gonna work out well.

What’s the difference between an elephant and spaghetti?
Elephants don’t slip off the end of your fork.

And when it was real music.

Too true.

Subtle.

Karma is rough my friends.

Wow, there is so much truth in that. We’ve spoken before about false teachers and impasters.  Satan knows the Bible better than any of us and it’s not so much that he lies as much as he doesn’t quite tell the whole truth.

I can see that.  It seems that way sometimes, doesn’t it.

A German man is traveling through Poland when he’s stopped at a security checkpoint. The Polish Security Officer asks, “Where are you traveling from?”

The German man says, “Berlin.”

The Polish Security Officer asks, “Occupation?”

The German man says, “No, just visiting.”

“Yup,” says all the grandpas out there. If you don’t understand that it’s not about the wrapping paper, it’s about the contents of the package.

NICE!

Yup. Goes back to what we were talking about earlier. Impasters. And like I tell Izzy all the time, just because you call yourself a Christian that doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

He’s disappointing me more and more. The latest thing was the redistricting in Texas.  Yes, I know that the democrats do it ALL THE TIME. Ridiculously so. But, it is NOT the President’s place to suggest it or insist it upon anyone.

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “That would be my husband’s check book.”

Wow, reminds me of my neighbor. I know I’ve told you about him. Replaces his front door about once a month. Has a stack of front doors next to his garage. Yeah, that guy.

That is so cool…and so sad that they ruined it.

I think this is so cool that the entire country works to make things easier for a certain few. Now THAT’S an example of patriotism!!!

Yeah … I would be too… or maybe even arrested.

Sure…any logical person would believe that.

This was sent in by Leah D.  I liked it so much I downloaded it and added it to my collection. Oh! And I am NOT a country music fan.

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not just rattlesnakes. 

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.

She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbour man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. 

She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. 

They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. 

The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

Another policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog. 

The startled dog jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. 

Neighbours had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway down the street. 

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed…

Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was rebuilt. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world.

About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?” 

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous….”

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.” How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five!

That’s the key. You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

“How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 18.

Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21| YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I was JUST 92.”

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

The two ‘elderly citizens’ were talking.

“I guess you’re never too old,” the one said. “I was on the university campus and this pretty little coed said she’d be interested in dating me. I just don’t understand it.”

“Well,” his friend replied, “women are more aggressive these days; they don’t mind being the first to ask.”

“No I don’t think it’s that.”

“Well, maybe you remind her of her father,” his pal ventured.

 “I don’t think it’s that, either. It’s just that she also mentioned something about Carbon 14.”

I do not believe in diets. The closest I’ve been to a diet is erasing the food searches from my browser history.

And that is that is that is that. I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had writing it. Remember to donate by going to the website at dragonlaffs.com or you can write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and I can tell you of all the other ways you can donate.

In the mean time, may our dear Lord bless you and keep you until we meet again.