Dragon Laffs

 

It’s currently Monday morning, and as I sit, waiting as patiently as possible to hear from my Dad, Papa Dragon Most Senior and my brother, the Owl, who both live in Florida and who both, for one reason or another, rode out Irma, I thought it would be a good time to start today’s issue.

Now, by the time you are reading this, I’m sure I’ll already know how they both are, so you can sit back and relax, no tension, but for me, at this moment, it’s a little nail biting.  My brother works at Disney, so I thought I’d throw a little bit of the mouse in today’s header.  That is an actual picture of Irma approaching the magic kingdom with the princess castle in the foreground.  Really kinda scary looking, if you ask me.

So, while we wait for word on what’s going on, why don’t we go ahead and get started on today’s issue?

Several things wrong with that gift, from my point of view…but…I won’t go into them now, let’s just say that something like a vacuum or new set of pots and pans would have been much better.  Women like to buy personal items like nose hair trimmers and deodorant themselves, so they get what they truly want.  Just more of the usual insightful advice from your blue dragon.

Let’s jump into a public service announcement that you need to pay attention to, courtesy of our great friends at Kim Komando.

Don’t fall for this elaborate phone scam

We’re talking about an elaborate phone scam that seems to be going viral. I actually know someone who recently fell victim to this racket.

Here’s how the scam went down. The victim received a call at her place of business claiming that her Social Security number had been stolen. The caller said he was a representative of a law firm and was on his way to deliver a subpoena.

Supposedly, the criminal used the victim’s Social Security number to take out a payday loan in her name. Since no repayments had been made, the loan company filed a lawsuit against her.

The alleged rep said he needed to verify some information if she wanted to resolve the issue. He already knew her business phone number and address, however, the home address he quoted her was wrong. He also wanted her to confirm her Social Security number.

Hopefully, you’re catching onto what’s happening here. Yep, you guessed it, the “rep” was a fraud.

The victim made the critical mistake of giving the fraudster her actual home address and Social Security number. She felt uncomfortable about the situation, unfortunately, this was after the fact, and contacted the Better Business Bureau (BBB). The BBB informed her that the number she received the call from was listed as fraudulent. Yikes!

This type of scam could happen to anyone. You really need to watch out for schemes like this, especially now, following the data breach at Equifax that has impacted an estimated 143 million people in the U.S.

Criminals will be ramping up scams associated with exposed Social Security numbers. You might find phishing emails in your inbox or receive scam phone calls piggybacking on the massive breach. It’s important that you’re prepared for everything.

How to handle scam phone calls

Follow this link: https://www.komando.com/happening-now/418660/dont-fall-for-this-incredibly-tricky-phone-scam?utm_medium=nl&utm_source=notd&utm_content=2017-09-10-article-title to read How to handle scam phone calls and the rest of the article

Ever wonder where Mario Brothers came from?  Well, me too.  Let’s watch and find out.

 

Oh this next one is so true!

You Know You’re From New York When…
You’re 35 years old and don’t have a driver’s license.
You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.
You take the train home and you know exactly where on the platform the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the exit stairway.
You know what a “regular” coffee is.
It’s not Manhattan…… It’s the “city”.
There is no north and south. It’s “uptown” or “downtown.” If you’re really from New York you have absolutely no concept of where north and south are…. And east or west is “crosstown.”
You cross the street anywhere but on the corners and you yell at cars for not respecting your right to do it.
You move 3,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language and people still know you’re from Brooklyn the minute you open your mouth.
You return after 10 years and the first foods you want are a “real” pizza and a “real” bagel.
A 500 square foot apartment is large.
You know the differences between all the different Ray’s pizzas.
You are not under the mistaken impression that any human being would be able to actually understand a p.a. Announcement on the subway.
You wouldn’t bother ordering pizza in any other city.
You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the major food groups which are: Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Indian.
You’re not the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year’s eve.
Your internal clock is permanently set to know when alternate side of the street parking regulations are in effect.
Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.
You don’t even notice the lady walking down the road having a perfectly normal conversation with herself.
You pay “only” $230 a month to park your car.
The presidential visit is a major traffic jam, not an honor.
You can nap on the subway and never miss your stop.
The deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it’s a beer.

From Left to Right: Impish Dragon, Lethal Leprechaun, Diaman, …

I’m 100% sure that there is a perfectly logical explanation behind this one…other than snow diving, which is sure what it looks like to me.

This next one is for Lethal. 

One day, a very genteel Texas lady was driving across a high bridge  in Austin. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump.
(“fixin'” in Texas means: has the means or abilities to take action).
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, “Please don’t jump, think of your dear mother and father.”
He replied, ” My mom and dad are both dead; I’m going to jump.”
She said. “Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children.”
He replied, “I’m not married and I don’t have any kids.”
She said, “well, then you just remember the Alamo.”
He replied, “What’s the Alamo?”
She replied. “Well bless your heart!  You just go ahead and jump  you little Yankee Obama loving liberal left wing Democrat Bastard. You are holding up traffic.”

Time for a family update.  Yup, just as I predicted, I have heard from both the Owl and Papa Dragon Most Senior and they are both alive and well.  Papa Dragon and Mrs. Papa Dragon went to Mrs. Papa Dragon’s Sister’s house to ride out the storm.  Their house is approximately 70 miles inland from where Papa Dragon lives so they figured it would be a safer haven than where they were at.  As it turns out, the reverse was true.  They got harder hit than Papa Dragon’s house did.  See, Papa built his house on a slight rise and was basically the highest land point in his neighborhood, so when he arrived back home on Wednesday, they had no flooding in their house at all.  And because of the steel shutters he installed before they left, there was no broken windows or significant damage to their house at all.  They got their electricity back later that morning and with it their TV, so they knew what was going on, but they didn’t have land-line telephone and because of a technological issue, Papa Dragon couldn’t be reached by cell phone.  So, other than some trees down on the property, he is doing quite well.

Cassandra, head of procurement for DL&LL Enterprises whose favorite phrase is, “You want it when?”

Marriage is like a casino.  You go in all excited and optimistic, and you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.

I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now.  I don’t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.

 

A large dog walks into a butcher’s shop with a purse in its mouth.  He puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat case.  “What is it, boy?” the butcher asks, joking around with his customers.  “Want to buy some meat?”

“Woof!” barks the dog.

“Hmm,” says the butcher.  “Well, what kind of meat? Liver? Bacon? Steak?…

“Woof!” interrupts the dog.

“And how much steak?  Half a pound, one pound…”

“Woof!” says the dog.  The amazed butcher wraps up the meant and finds the money in the dog’s purse.

As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow.  The dog enters an apartment house, climbs to the third floor, and begins to scratch on the door.  With that, the door whips open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog.

“Stop!” yells the butcher.  “What are you doing?  That’s the most clever animal I’ve ever seen!”

“Clever?” counters the man.  “This is the third time this month he’s forgotten his keys!”

Karma, Kismet, Fate…whatever you wish to call it, when you see it in action it is well worth the watch.

How Politics Work

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”
He said, “No.”
I told him, “She is bill gates daughter.”
He said, “Yes.”
I called bill gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son,”
Bill gates said, “No.”
I told bill gates, “My son is the C.E.O. Of world bank.”
Bill gates said, “Ok.”
I called the president of world bank and asked him to make my son the C.E.O.
He said, “No.”
I told him, “My son is bill gates son-in-law”
He said, “Ok.”
This is how politics work.

We need to send some democracy to North Korea.

This is not normally where I’d end my issue, but today pain is a real problem, so this is what you get.  I hope you guys have a great week until we meet again.

I’m pressed for time, not feeling particularly well or chatty this week, plus I’m basically unfit for polite company, largely due to my mood. So please excuse the lack of introductory remarks.

I’m wishing that everyone in the path of Hurricane Irma stays safe and healthy, most especially our friends family and loved one ( i.e. Poppa Dragon Most Senior) through et another terrifying natural disaster. Please says prayers and think supportive thoughts for them as you did for me.

And all ya’ll though we were gun nuts in Texas? Might be true, but we’re smarter than to shoot at a Hurricane!

Brings  a whole new dimension to the term “nutcracker” doesn’t it?

Redneck Etiquette

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a

U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to

“bruise” the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table … no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL H YGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

I’ve been saying for years that TV has gone to the dogs. Now apparently there is proof.

For those who cannot read the sign atop the mailbox it reads: ‘No Wake Zone’

One day a young woman had just started playing her round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, ‘Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?’

‘I was stung by a bee’, she said.

‘Where?’, he asked.

‘Between the first and second hole’, she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,

‘Then your feet were too far apart.

 

Person 1: Did you hear that (name of your favorite politician) isn’t going to run for (office name)??

Person 2: No, why not?

Person 1: During their last colonoscopy they found a brain tumor.

Somehow I strongly suspect that is his wife or girlfriend behind him cussing him out for embarrassing her.

Field trials of the latest in Ninja Kitty tactical gear.

Especially if your just a kid! What?! Impish gets away with bad puns all the time!

Probably for a cowboy or his girlfriend too.

 

Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

And who was the woman you were with?”

“I can’t be tellin’ you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

“Was it Brenda O’Malley?” “I cannot say.”

“Was it Patricia Kelly?” “I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Liz Shannon?” “I’m sorry, but I’ll not tell her name.”

“Was it Cathy Morgan?” “My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Fiona McDonald, then?” “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy

Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.”

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?” “Five good leads,” says Tommy.

Despite myself I and my best intentions I just couldn’t allow September 11th to pass by unremarked upon.

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. – John 15:13

Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord.  And let the perpetual light shine upon them. For when their hour came they made no distinction between friend and stranger but laid down their lives willingly without hesitation that others might live.

I passed on my way, God be praised that I met them
Be my life long or short, sure I’ll never forget them,
We may have good men, but we’ll never have better
Glory O, Glory O, to these bold  343 Fire men.

[unapologetically purloined and repenned from “Down By the Glenside” a traditional Irish tune of bravery by Lethal Leprechaun in honor of the FDNY 343]

This isn’t a rumor…. You know me, I vetted this thing 3 ways to Sunday before ever even considering posting it.

Nearly sixteen years later, this story will still stir your soul and speak to the good in those around us. It’s quite a chronicle by an unnamed Delta F/A about that fateful time and the resilience of the human spirit.  Enjoy AND BE REASSURED OF the goodness in mankind.  We hear so much bad we sometimes need to be reminded of the good.

Delta Flight 15

Amazing Story of Delta Flight 15, September 11, 2001

Written by a flight attendant

“On the morning of Tuesday, September 11, we were about 5 hours out of Frankfurt, flying over the North Atlantic. All of a sudden the curtains parted and I was told to go to the cockpit, immediately, to see the captain. As soon as I got there I noticed that the crew had that “All Business” look on their faces. The captain handed me a printed message. It was from Delta’s main office in Atlanta and simply read, “All airways over the Continental United States are closed to commercial air traffic. Land ASAP at the nearest airport. Advise your destination.”

No one said a word about what this could mean. We knew it was a serious situation and we needed to find terra firma quickly. The captain determined that the nearest airport was 400 miles behind us in Gander, Newfoundland. He requested approval for a route change from the Canadian traffic controller and approval was granted immediately–no questions asked. We found out later, of course, why there was no hesitation in approving our request.

While the flight crew prepared the airplane for landing, another message arrived from Atlanta telling us about some terrorist activity in the New York area. A few minutes later word came in about the hijackings.

We decided to LIE to the passengers while we were still in the air. We told them the plane had a simple instrument problem and that we needed to land at the nearest airport in Gander, Newfoundland to have it checked out.

We promised to give more information after landing in Gander. There was much grumbling among the passengers, but that’s nothing new! Forty minutes later, we landed in Gander. Local time at Gander was 12:30 PM! . . . that’s 11:00 AM EST.

There were already about 20 other airplanes on the ground from all over the world that had taken this detour on their way to the U.S.

After we parked on the ramp, the captain made the following announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, you must be wondering if all these airplanes around us have the same instrument problem as we have. The reality is that we are here for another reason.” Then he went on to explain the little bit we knew about the situation in the U.S. There were loud gasps and stares of disbelief. The captain informed passengers that Ground control in Gander told us to stay put.

The Canadian Government was in charge of our situation and no one was allowed to get off the aircraft. No one on the ground was allowed to come near any of the aircrafts. Only airport police would come around periodically, look us over and go on to the next airplane. In the next hour or so more planes landed and Gander ended up with 53 airplanes from all over the world, 27 of which were U.S. Commercial jets.

Meanwhile, bits of news started to come in over the aircraft radio and for the first time we learned that airplanes were flown into the World Trade Center in New York and into the Pentagon in DC. People were trying to use their cell phones, but were unable to connect due to a different cell system in Canada. Some did get through, but were only able to get to the Canadian operator who would tell them that the lines to the U.S. Were either blocked or jammed.

Sometime in the evening the news filtered to us that the World Trade Center buildings had collapsed and that a fourth hijacking had resulted in a crash. By now the passengers were emotionally and physically exhausted, not to mention frightened, but everyone stayed amazingly calm. We had only to look out the window at the 52 other stranded aircraft to realize that we were not the only ones in this predicament.

We had been told earlier that they would be allowing people off the planes one plane at a time. At 6 PM, Gander airport told us that our turn to deplane would be 11 am the next morning. Passengers were not happy, but they simply resigned themselves to this news without much noise and started to prepare themselves to spend the night on the airplane.

Gander had promised us medical attention, if needed, water, and lavatory servicing. And they were true to their word. Fortunately we had no medical situations to worry about. We did have a young lady who was 33 weeks into her pregnancy. We took REALLY good care of her. The night passed without incident despite the uncomfortable sleeping arrangements.

About 10:30 on the morning of the 12th a convoy of school buses showed up. We got off the plane and were taken to the terminal where we went through Immigration and Customs and then had to register with the Red Cross.

After that we (the crew) were separated from the passengers and were taken in vans to a small hotel. We had no idea where our passengers were going. We learned from the Red Cross that the town of Gander has a population of 10,400 people and they had about 10,500 passengers to take care of from all the airplanes that were forced into Gander! We were told to just relax at the hotel and we would be contacted when the U.S. airports opened again, but not to expect that call for a while.

We found out the total scope of the terror back home only after getting to our hotel and turning on the TV . . . 24 hours after it all started.

Meanwhile, we had lots of time on our hands and found that the people of Gander were extremely friendly. They started calling us the “plane people.” We enjoyed their hospitality, explored the town of Gander and ended up having a pretty good time.

Two days later, we got that call and were taken back to the Gander airport. Back on the plane, we were reunited with the passengers and found out what they had been doing for the past two days. What we found out was incredible.

Gander and all the surrounding communities (within about a 75 Kilometer radius) had closed all high schools, meeting halls, lodges, and any other large gathering places. They converted all these facilities to mass lodging areas for all the stranded travelers. Some had cots set up, some had mats with sleeping bags and pillows set up.

ALL high school students were required to volunteer their time to take care of the “guests.” Our 218 passengers ended up in a town called Lewisporte, about 45 kilometers from Gander where they were put up in a high school. If any women wanted to be in a women-only facility, that was arranged. Families were kept together. All the elderly passengers were taken to private homes.

Remember that young pregnant lady? She was put up in a private home right across the street from a 24-hour Urgent Care facility. There was a dentist on call and both male and female nurses remained with the crowd for the duration.

Phone calls and e-mails to the U.S. and around the world were available to everyone once a day. During the day, passengers were offered “Excursion” trips. Some people went on boat cruises of the lakes and harbors. Some went for hikes in the local forests. Local bakeries stayed open to make fresh bread for the guests. Food was prepared by all the residents and brought to the schools. People were driven to restaurants of their choice and offered wonderful meals. Everyone was given tokens for local laundry mats to wash their clothes, since luggage was still on the aircraft. In other words, every single need was met for those stranded travelers.

Passengers were crying while telling us these stories. Finally, when they were told that U.S. airports had reopened, they were delivered to the airport right on time and without a single passenger missing or late. The local Red Cross had all the information about the whereabouts of each and every passenger and knew which plane they needed to be on and when all the planes were leaving. They coordinated everything beautifully. It was absolutely incredible.

When passengers came on board, it was like they had been on a cruise. Everyone knew each other by name. They were swapping stories of their stay, impressing each other with who had the better time. Our flight back to Atlanta looked like a chartered party flight. The crew just stayed out of their way. It was mind-boggling. Passengers had totally bonded and were calling each other by their first names, exchanging phone numbers, addresses, and email addresses.

And then a very unusual thing happened. One of our passengers approached me and asked if he could make an announcement over the PA system. We never, ever allow that. But this time was different. I said “of course” and handed him the mike. He picked up the PA and reminded everyone about what they had just gone through in the last few days. He reminded them of the hospitality they had received at the hands of total strangers. He continued by saying that he would like to do something in return for the good folks of Lewisporte.

He said he was going to set up a Trust Fund under the name of DELTA 15 (our flight number). The purpose of the trust fund is to provide college scholarships for the high school students of Lewisporte. He asked for donations of any amount from his fellow travelers. When the paper with donations got back to us with the amounts, names, phone numbers and addresses, the total was for more than 14,000 dollars!

The gentleman, a MD from Virginia, promised to match the donations and to start the administrative work on the scholarship. He also said that he would forward this proposal to Delta Corporate and ask them to donate as well.

I just wanted to share this story because we need good stories right now. It gives me a little bit of hope to know that some people in a far away place were kind to some strangers who literally dropped in on them. It reminds me how much good there is in the world.”

NO WHERE DID OR DO WE SEE OR HEAR ABOUT THIS AMAZING EVENT

AMERICANS HELPING AMERICANS IN THEIR TIME OF NEED

9/11 Boatlift

We certainly were busy watching the news right after 9/11, but we never saw this…

BOATLIFT OF 9/11… In over 11 years since this happened, this is the first time I’ve ever seen this…I don’t even remember seeing/hearing about this evacuation on the news. The fact is, it was all done in 9 hours … 500,000 people… This is a video well worth watching. The guy at the end (same guy who is at the beginning) has some great words to live by for all of us. Watch till the end. You won’t regret it. Narrated by Tom Hanks. If you wish, please, pass this message along. 

Pick up

Lethal wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend. One day Lethal got so desperate that he went to her & said,

“I’ll give you a $100 if you’ll let me have sex with you.”

The girl looked at him shocked & said “Hell no!”

He said “I’ll be real quick, I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend over to get it, & I’ll be finished by the time you’ve picked it up!”

She thought for a moment & told him that she would have to talk to her boyfriend.

So she called him & explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, “Ask him for $200. Pick up the money really really fast, & he won’t even be able to get his pants down!”

She agreed & accepts the proposal. 30 minutes go by & the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend’s call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls & asks, “What the fuck happened?”

Still breathing hard she managed to reply, “That bastard Lethal had all QUARTERS!!!!”

This next one might require you to go back to your high school algebra to get it.

And finally, yet another entry in our “Weird Stuff you se on the Road” Category

On Wednesday, Lethal advised that he was not going to be doing his annual Patriot’s Day issue.  Patriot’s Day, 911 Memorial Day, World Trade Center Memorial…you get the idea.  I always liked the fact that he did that issue every year because I was sure it would just be too damn hard for me to do it.

And then I realized that that is exactly what he was saying as to why he wasn’t going to be doing it this year and you know what, he’s absolutely right.

They day and days leading up to September 11th are such difficult ones for so very many of us, why are we making it worse by mentally beating ourselves with it.  There will be so many other things going on that it is going to be hard, damn hard, for us to just get through.  What we really need, really and truly NEED, is a release.  A way to psychologically blow a breath of fresh air through our heads.

The day is such a twisted mess for me because, you see, my darling Izzy was born on the day before.  So, as this is the sixteenth anniversary of that horribly cowardly event, it is also her sixteenth birthday.  A day that should be filled with laughter and happiness, not a day for asking why is Dad so sad?

So today’s issue is going to be a reverse Patriot’s Day issue.  And I sincerely hope and pray that none of you out there take it to mean that I am trying to demean or deemphasize this important event in our history.  Quite the contrary.  Think of this as a medicinal way of dealing with the pain that I know you will be dealing with over the next few days.

So accept this leaf blower of a breath of fresh air through your craniums and may laughter truly be the best medicine.

May God Bless you all and keep you well, until next week.  Now…

This one is attributed to the California jury in the O.J. Simpson trial, but I suppose it could be connected with many different high-profile trials of late:

A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.

Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, “How could you possibly have found this man innocent?”

The foreman replied, “Insanity.”

The perplexed prosecutor asked, “All twelve of you?”

Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.

He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand, “Congratulations Harry, I just wanted to tell you I’ve been married for twenty-two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.”

“But sir”, said Harry, “a little bit confused, I’m not getting married until tomorrow!”

“Yeah, I know”, said his boss.

What it looks like when Impish finally gets pissed off.

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.

“Reverend,” she wailed, “John and I had a dreadful fight!”

“Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight.”

“I know, I know!” said Joanna. “But what am I going to do with the body?”

Please share this important Public Service Announcement with those people who are determined to rid the country of all monuments, displays and pictures depicting racist images.

Please do not use $1’s, $2’s, $5’s, $10’s, $20’s, $50’s or $100 dollar bills. They contain the images of former slave owners!! However, do NOT throw them away. I am a Certified Money Disposer, also known as a CMD. Please send  all offending materials to me and I will dispose of them properly! If you are unable to deliver them, don’t worry, I offer rapid pickup for your convenience! Call me immediately if you are in possession of such offensive materials and I will eliminate the mental anguish you are currently feeling!

To alleviate the pain and guilt you are feeling I can be reached twenty four hours a day at: 1-800-CMD-DRGN

This is the perfect spot for these next … images

Does it all make more sense now?  Nope, not to me either.

This one is truly terrible.  I’m warning you now, you shouldn’t read it.  It’s awful!  Please, please, please listen to me!  Do not read this next joke!

Once upon a time an evil king captured a virgin princess and held her captive in his high tower.
Though she was very beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress.
“You’ll never get away with this,” she cried. “Some brave knight will rescue me!”
“Not in that thing,” the evil king replied.
She waited day and night, but it was just as the king predicted.

Every knight that saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her dress,

which, as I’ve mentioned, was very disgusting.
After many months the princess broke down crying and the evil king taunted her,

“You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!”

But, you read it anyway, didn’t you?

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor’s office.
“We have come for an examination,” said the young girl.
“All right,” said the doctor. “Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.”
“No, not me,” said the girl. “it’s my old aunt here.”
“Very well,” said the doctor. “Madam, stick out your tongue.”

Peek-a-boo!

This next list, although attributed to Jeff Foxworthy, has been determined to not be his material at all.  Now, having pushed that piece of factual evidence out in front, it is still worth reading and considering the logic this offers. 

You might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is now run by idiots…

If plastic water bottles are okay, but plastic bags are banned.

 

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally.

If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion.

If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government.

If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt.

If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat.

If an 80-year-old woman who is confined to a wheelchair or a three-year-old girl can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched.

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more.

If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable.

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones.

If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage.

This is hilarious!  Saturday Night Live poking fun at Liberals.

That’s such an old and horrible joke! 

A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf. She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”

The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”

The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”

The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.” The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that!! I’ll take it!”

The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful?  It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!” The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?” The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”

Okay, so that was another awful joke…they just seem to keep on coming.

I’ve actually seen that happen before.  You want to talk about a mess!  Think of a tub that you fill with bubble bath liquid….and then keep adding water until the entire bathroom is full of bubbles.  Now multiply that by about 100,000!

That’s it for today folks.  I hoped you enjoyed your reverse Patriot’s Day issue and got some laughs and smiles.  That was my whole goal after all.

A way nicer view than some people still have of flood waters just outside their doors here. Many flooded homes are now catching fire and power is being shut off in some flooded areas to prevent this and to allow fighting of the fires w/o the worry of electrocution for the firemen.  We have 10Pm to % Am curfews in many areas of Houston and the surrounding suburbs to prevent looting and flood related night time accidents

Damage estimates range for $180 to $190 billion dollars and are still climbing. (The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration estimates Katrina to have cost around $160 billion.) The White House, meanwhile, is expected to ask Congress for $14.5 billion in relief funding. The death toll is up to 65 directly attributable deaths now.

Hurricane Harvey, which dumped an estimated 27 trillion gallons of water on Texas and Louisiana, looks to be one of the most damaging natural disasters in U.S. history. That’s enough to fill the Houston Astrodome 85,000 times or San Francisco Bay 10.6 times at high tide. The National Weather Service now says that  Cedar Bayou, Texas, records 51.88 inches of rain from Harvey. That sets a  new continental U.S. record.​

Flooding continues to affect large areas of Houston, Beaumont and other areas of Texas. Tens of thousands have been forced to evacuate their homes, and oil rig shut downs and evacuations along the Gulf have curbed oil and gas production. This in turn has caused other parts of the country to fell the effects of Harvey as gas prices rise (up $0.26/gal in a week in the Northeast)

FEMA reported Thursday that more than 96,000 people in Texas have been approved for emergency assistance, including financial aid for rent and lost property. More than $57 million has already been distributed for housing, personal property and transportation assistance. More than 72,000 people have been rescued so far, according to officials.

OK, enough with the depressing side of things but before we get going let me just say to see the end of the issue for an announcement about the September 11th Issue.

Now, onward and laugh-ward!

 

 

“Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol.”

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

A Beretta testimonial.

Here is her story:

While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It’s one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus … the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.

Montana Grizzly Bear Notice:

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle the bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains a lot of berry seeds and squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.

Comprehending Engineers – Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Comprehending Engineers – Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers -Take Three

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”

The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

“Hi John. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

Comprehending Engineers -Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers -Take Five

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Comprehending Engineers -Take Six

“Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.”

Comprehending Engineers -Take Seven

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, “I like both.”

“Both?”

“Yeah,” replied the engineer. “If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

Comprehending Engineers – Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now that’s cool!”

 

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

(A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher)

I was questioning children in my Dublin Sunday school class,

to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale,

and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’

‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything

tidy, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, the answer was ‘NO!’

‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, they all answered ‘NO!’

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ‘Then how can I get into heaven?’

A little boy shouted out: ‘YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN’ DEAD.’

It’s a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?

Another of those weird motorcycle pictures. I swear this is becoming a fad or a thing now.

So I went to visit Impish in his recovery.The thing you have to know about Impish and in fact most dragons in general is when they are laid up and off the hunt they expect their visitors to arrive with edible gifts for them. In fact they get down right peevish if you don’t. Also you’ll barely get the time of day if you only show up with one gift as to them it indicates you don’t think a whole lot of their suffering.

So here was the first gift I took him figuring he could use it to lounge out in the fresh air in style. There is even a state of the art memory foam cushion for it that isn’t shown for clarity sake.

Impish barley acknowledged it with a grunt before rather peevishly asking, “that’s it nothing to nosh?” as he used his oversized schnozola to practically vacuum any and all scent molecules off me and out of the air. (Keep in mid I have already been paying 2 catering services to cater to his culinary whims since his return home.)

“Brought you a sandwich to tide you over until 4th meal ( it was 11AM and he’d already eaten 3 times). You’ll like this, they call it a the ‘Ginormous El Grande Gut Buster’. I asked for everything but the kitchen sink in it but I think they might have slipped the sink in there to when I sneezed. IT weighs in at just shy of 24 pounds.”

Whisking it out of my hands with his forked tongue, pausing just long enough to unwrap it, (tin foil gives him indigestion in his old age apparently) he downed it in just 2 chomps licked his maw and claws clean, burped (mumbled ‘Mmm! SPICEY!’) and said “Eh- I’d call it a small.”

Here is one that I wrote several years ago inspired by Jeff Foxworthy.

You may be a redneck if…

When the preacher starts extolling the virtues of the King on Sunday, you don’t know if he is talking about Elvis or Richard Petty!

This Week in History: 4th September-8th September

They Walk Among Us … and they vote… And What is Even Worse, they Reproduce

My neighbor bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it.”

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

“Fridge for sale $50.”

The next day someone stole it.

Caution… They Walk Among Us and They Vote!

---

At the airport:

Official: ” Has anyone put anything into your bags without your knowledge?”

Traveller: “Sir, if they had done it without my knowledge, how would I know?’

Caution… They Walk Among Us and They Vote!

---

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted…

“Look at that dead bird!”

Someone looked up at the sky and said…

“Where???”

Caution… They Walk Among Us and They Vote!

---

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?”

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for a very long time.

She shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff.”

Caution… They Walk Among Us and They Vote!

---

I stopped at McDonalds and ordered some fries.

The McClone behind the counter asked, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’

Caution… They Walk Among Us and They Vote!

---

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.

One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”

He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?”

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific”

Caution… They Walk Among Us and They Vote!

---

Recently, when I went to McDonald’s, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. ‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets, ‘ said the McClone at the counter. ‘You don’t?’ I replied. ‘We only have six, nine, or twelve, ‘ was the reply. ‘So I can’t order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’ ‘That’s right.’ So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

Caution… They Walk Among Us and They Vote!

---

More tech suport calls…

Customer: ‘I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through; can you help?’

Operator: ‘Where did you get that number, sir?’

Customer: ‘It’s on the door of your business.’

Operator: ‘Sir, those are the hours that we are open.’

Caution… They Walk Among Us and They Vote!

For myriad of reasons I have decided there will not be a September 11th Special Edition this year. At least not one authored by me. If Impish wishes to do one that’s ok by me and I will not feel slighted in the least.

The reasons are complex and many having to do with, my personal mindset and emotions  regarding the events of September 11th 2001, my health, and events occurring in my private life currently which must take precedence.

As someone pointed out to me recently these issues are sort of a waste of time. I’m preaching to the choir. Those who read DragonLaffs and/or Leprechaun Laughs are not likely to ever forget the events of that tragic day. In fact the primary effect of putting together such an issue is only to keep fresh my own personal wounds stemming from that day.

I find other events currently happening in my life are putting me under a great deal of stress and demanding more and more of my time. These events must take priority and truth be told I am struggling week to week to find the time to continue to turn out the high quality regular issues that I have always striven for let alone enough time to due a special issue proper justice. I personally will never forget those whom we lost that day nor will I ever forgive those responsible.

I hope that you can understand my decision, know how difficult it was for me to reach it and how hard it was to accept the advice and realization that those who counseled me offered to me. If I have disappointed anyone all I can say is I am sincerely sorry, but we all have our limits and limitations and must accept them.

Ah, Labor Day weekend, the last big hurrah for the summer!  The party weekend that is a feeble grasp at holding on to the summer for just a little longer.  Most of the kids are already back in school.  Not like when we were kids and school never started before Labor Day, Izzy Dragon has been back in school since August first.

But, why do we even celebrate “Labor”?  What’s that all about? According to the History Channel’s website, History.com, Labor Day is:

Observed on the first Monday in September, Labor Day pays tribute to the contributions and achievements of American workers. It was created by the labor movement in the late 19th century and became a federal holiday in 1894. Labor Day also symbolizes the end of summer for many Americans, and is celebrated with parties, parades and athletic events.

“Paying tribute to the contributions and achievements of American workers”?  That kind of makes me wonder how much the truth of the “real” meaning of Labor Day still exists, since most manufacturing and such has been sent overseas where it is cheaper.  The “American Worker” may still be celebration worthy, but maybe not so much the company owners and managers.  Let’s read some more.

Labor Day, an annual celebration of workers and their achievements, originated during one of American labor history’s most dismal chapters. In the late 1800s, at the height of the Industrial Revolution in the United States, the average American worked 12-hour days and seven-day weeks in order to eke out a basic living. Despite restrictions in some states, children as young as 5 or 6 toiled in mills, factories and mines across the country, earning a fraction of their adult counterparts’ wages. People of all ages, particularly the very poor and recent immigrants, often faced extremely unsafe working conditions, with insufficient access to fresh air, sanitary facilities and breaks.

That’s how it was in America then, and now we’re sending work overseas to conditions that mimic that time, that we fought so hard to get rid of here.  Am I missing something?

As manufacturing increasingly supplanted agriculture as the wellspring of American employment, labor unions, which had first appeared in the late 18th century, grew more prominent and vocal. They began organizing strikes and rallies to protest poor conditions and compel employers to renegotiate hours and pay. Many of these events turned violent during this period, including the infamous Haymarket Riot of 1886, in which several Chicago policemen and workers were killed. Others gave rise to longstanding traditions: On September 5, 1882, 10,000 workers took unpaid time off to march from City Hall to Union Square in New York City, holding the first Labor Day parade in U.S. history.

Okay, so the parades for Labor Day now make more sense.

The idea of a “workingmen’s holiday,” celebrated on the first Monday in September, caught on in other industrial centers across the country, and many states passed legislation recognizing it.Congress would not legalize the holiday until 12 years later, when a watershed moment in American labor history brought workers’ rights squarely into the public’s view. On May 11, 1894, employees of the Pullman Palace Car Company in Chicago went on strike to protest wage cuts and the firing of union representatives.

On June 26, the American Railroad Union, led by Eugene V. Debs, called for a boycott of all Pullman railway cars, crippling railroad traffic nationwide. To break the strike, the federal government dispatched troops to Chicago, unleashing a wave of riots that resulted in the deaths of more than a dozen workers. In the wake of this massive unrest and in an attempt to repair ties with American workers, Congress passed an act making Labor Day a legal holiday in the District of Columbia and the territories.More than a century later, the true founder of Labor Day has yet to be identified.

So, are they saying that the Labor Day holiday was a way to mollify the “common man” into behaving and not causing trouble?  “Yes, yes Johnny, you are a good boy.  You are special.  Here’s a special holiday just for you, now quiet down and get back to your chores.”  Or maybe I’m still not getting it.  I am on pain medication after my hip-surgery, after all.  So, maybe it’s just me.  Let’s finish up. 

Many credit Peter J. McGuire, cofounder of the American Federation of Labor, while others have suggested that Matthew Maguire, a secretary of the Central Labor Union, first proposed the holiday.Labor Day is still celebrated in cities and towns across the United States with parades, picnics, barbecues, fireworks displays and other public gatherings. For many Americans, particularly children and young adults, it represents the end of the summer and the start of the back-to-school season.

So, maybe that wasn’t as satisfying as I had hoped.  Let’s look at what Labor Day means to me.  A common blue dragon working like the rest of you to make ends meet.  What is so special about the American Worker?

How about looking at the incredible war material making machine that was put together at the start of World War II? 

In May 1940, Franklin D. Roosevelt called for the production of 185,000 aeroplanes, 120,000 tanks, 55,000 anti-aircraft guns and 18 million tons of merchant shipping in two years. Adolf Hitler was told by his advisors that this was American propaganda; in 1939, annual aircraft production for the US military was less than 3,000 planes. By the end of the war US factories had produced 300,000 planes,^[2][3] and by 1944 had produced two-thirds of the Allied military equipment used in the war—bringing military forces into play in North and South America, the Caribbean, the Atlantic, Western Europe and the Pacific.

And take into account that most of the “American Workers” doing this incredible feat were women, old men and those deemed too infirm to be in the military.  The country rationed everything in order to take care of our boys fighting overseas and the country itself stepped up and accomplished what needed to be done, when it needed to be done.  That incredible attitude is worth celebrating.  To this blue dragon, anyway.

The American Labor Force has accomplished so much.  Throughout the rest of this issue I will attempt to insert some facts and statistics that may help us understand a little bit more why Labor Day is such an important holiday and why it deserves to be celebrated.

But for now, I think it’s time we took a break, so …

I need to speak to some of my “prepper” friends.  I’m sure someone has some bacon seeds put away for the end of the world scenario. 

And this little guy just goes full throttle evil way too quick.

Now there’s a man after my own heart!  I’m so tired of getting those kinds of things…and I’m only on Facebook for one reason!  My Dart League.  If they didn’t pass most of their messaging through the group page, I wouldn’t even HAVE Facebook!  I hate it with a passion!

One day a group of scientists united and decided that man had come a long way, and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and informed him that, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need You. We’re to the point that we can clone people, and do many miraculous things, so why don’t You just go on and get lost.”

God listened patiently and kindly to the scientist and, after the man was done talking, God answered, “Very well! How about this? Let’s have a man-making contest.”

The man replied, “OK, great!”

But God added, “Now we’re going to do this just like I did, back in the old days with Adam.”

The scientist replied, “Sure, no problem,” and bent down to grab himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and remarked, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt! I CREATED that dirt!”

Good luck with that guys!

Yes indeed, we will be having our normal weekend bash for Labor Day for all of our patrons and employees and their families, but on Monday, it will be a day for just our dear employees to have their own day where they won’t be serving us (or any of you) but instead, we will be serving and celebrating them.  Now, since neither myself, nor Lethal are in any great physical shape to be doing the manual labor, we will use both a pool of volunteers from our dear readers and anyone who is still around, passed out, or too incapacitated to get away in time will be drafted into working the day away for them.  It ought to be great fun!

This is a hilarious video and a great concept.  Something you will pick up as you watch is the amount of languages these guys are fluent in is amazing.

From the Pew Research Center here are:

10 facts about American workers

BY DREW DESILVER

More than 150 million Americans are part of the U.S. workforce, and many of them (but not all) will spend the Labor Day national holiday away from their desks, cash registers and workbenches. We can’t predict how workers will use their day off, but we do know a fair amount about who they are, what they do and the U.S. working environment in general.

1Over the past three decades, the share of American workers who are union members has fallen by about half.Union membership peaked in 1954 at nearly 35% of all U.S. wage and salary workers, but in 2015 the unionization rate was just 11.1%. However, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics the actual number of union members has risen in recent years, from 14.4 million in 2012 to 14.8 million last year.

2There is broad support for the right of workers to unionize across a range of occupations.  Among six industry categories we asked about in spring 2015, about eight in-ten Americans (82%) said manufacturing and factory workers should have that right. Big majorities backed the rights of transit workers, police officers and public school teachers to do the same. About six-in-ten (62%) said fast-food workers should be able to unionize, while 35% opposed that. In general, though, Americans have mixed views about the long-term decline in unionization: About as many people said it’s been mostly bad for the country as said it’s been mostly good, though by 52% to 40% they said it’s been mostly bad for working people.

We’ll have some more of the facts later in the issue.

Yeah, try it while you are physically incapacitated with a new hip and you have to rely on her to drive you everywhere…that’s not the worst look I’ve had on my face.

And what are most of us going to be doing this weekend?
 And what are some of the rest of us going to be doing this weekend?

And if you’re in New Jersey, what are you going to be doing this weekend?

Or this

Yup, cause it’s Labor Day Weekend!

And what are we going to be doing on Tuesday?

Recovering and trying to find missing partiers.

I’m still looking for those bacon seeds. 

I founds them!

It wouldn’t be a proper issue without our posters.  I was going to go with just Labor Day stuff, but thought you might be getting a little tired of it, and I’m running out of pain-free time to work, so I have these handy:

They say it’s now worse than drunk driving.

Thank God for Dragon and Leprechaun Laffs to help you through.

Let’s get the rest of the ten facts about American works.  Some of them are quite surprising.

3 Most Americans work in the service sector. In July, 102.6 million people (71% of all nonfarm payroll employees) worked in private service-providing industries, according to the most recent employment report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Among the major industrial sectors, the biggest was education and health services (22.7 million workers), followed by professional and business services (20.3 million) and retail trade (just under 16 million). Manufacturing employed 12.3 million Americans; about 22.2 million were government workers (nearly two-thirds of them at the local level).

4 Nearly 15 million Americans are self-employed. A Pew Research Center report last year found that 14.6 million people, or about 10 percent of the active workforce in 2014, were self-employed. Those self-employed people had an additional 29.4 million people working for them; together, they accounted for 44 million jobs, or 30% of the national workforce.

But only about a quarter of self-employed people (3.4 million) had employees of their own, and those who did have workers didn’t have very many: Among self-employed people with employees, the median in 2014 was three and the average was 8.6.

5 Millennials are now the largest generation in the labor force. More than a third of American workers today are Millennials (adults ages 18 to 34 in 2015), and last year they surpassed Generation X (ages 35 to 50 in 2015) to become the single largest generational group in the U.S. workforce. Gen Xers’ place as the dominant generation within the labor force was very short-lived – just three years. (On a chart, they are easily overlooked, sandwiched between Baby Boomers and Millennials.)

6 American women earn 83 cents on the dollar compared with men, but that gap is narrowing substantially among younger workers. In 2014, among workers ages 25 to 34, women’s hourly earnings were 91% those of men, according to a Pew Research Center analysis of median hourly wages that includes full- and part-time workers. Among even younger working adults, ages 16 to 24, the gender wage gap lessens further, with women making 93% of what men earn. But there’s no guarantee that today’s young women will sustain their near-parity with men in earnings: The analysis shows that young women fall further behind their same-aged male counterparts as they age and deal with the responsibilities of parenthood and family.

Within the American workforce, there are many gaps in earnings between demographic groups, including by race and ethnicity. However, a separate Center analysisfound that white men had higher median hourly earnings ($21) than every other racial/ethnic/gender subgroup except one: Asian men, whose median hourly earnings were $24.

7The wage gap between young workers with college degrees and their less-educated counterparts is the widest in decades. On virtually every measure of economic well-being and career attainment, young college graduates are outperforming their peers without a degree to a greater extent than in the past. With the cost of college soaring and student debt rising in recent years, there’s been much debate about the value of a college education. An update of our previous economic analysis has found that college graduates ages 25 to 34 working full time in 2015 earned more annually – about $20,000 more – than employed young adults holding only a high school diploma. The pay gap was significantly smaller in previous generations.

College-educated adults also are more likely to be employed full time than their less-educated counterparts, and are significantly less likely to be unemployed: In July, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, unemployment was 2.5% among adults with a bachelor’s degree or higher, versus 5% among adults with only a high-school diploma.

8 A much smaller share of U.S. teens work today compared with earlier decades. In the 1970s, ’80s and ’90s, most teens could expect to be working for at least part of their summer vacation. But the share of teens working summer jobs has dwindled since the early 1990s: After bottoming out in 2010 and 2011 at 29.6%, the teen summer employment rate edged higher but was still only 31.3% in summer 2014. (It had edged up to 32.3% by last summer.) The decline of summer jobs reflects an overall decline in youth employment in recent decades, a trend that’s also been observed in other advanced economies.

Another way of looking at youth employment, or the lack thereof, is by focusing on “NEETs” – that is, young people who are neither employed nor in education or training. Last year, 16.9% of all Americans ages 16 to 29 – or nearly 10.2 million young people – were NEETs. That’s actually a modest improvement: In 2013, the first year for which data are available, there were just over 11 million NEETs in the U.S., or 18.5% of the 16-to-29 population. Our analysis found that in the U.S., the NEET youth population is more female than male (57% to 43%); two-thirds have a high-school education or less, and blacks and Hispanics are more likely than whites to be NEETs.

9 By contrast, more older Americans are working. In May of this year, 18.8% of Americans ages 65 and older – nearly 9 million people – reported being employed full– or part-time, continuing a steady increase since at least 2000. Older workers represented 5.9% of all employed Americans that month, up from 3.1% in May 2000. Older Americans were working at higher rates than in May 2008 – the only age brackets about which that can be said.

10 Raising the minimum wage is a highly partisan issue. Overall, 58% of Americans favor increasing the federal minimum wage from $7.25 an hour to $15, according to an August Pew Research Center survey. There’s a stark divide between supporters of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump: 82% of Clinton supporters favor raising the federal minimum wage to $15, while nearly as many Trump supporters (76%) oppose it. Twenty-nine states, plus the District of Columbia and nearly two dozen cities and counties, have set their own higher minimums. But wide disparities in the cost of living in different parts of the country – and even within individual states – complicate the policy debate.

Okay, okay, wake up you guys in the back.  I’ll get back to the funny stuff now.

Strange Thoughts

– The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.
– My 60th year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 195 lbs. I’ve gained.
– I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here fill this out”?
– The speed in which a woman says “Nothing” when asked “What’s wrong?” is inversely proportional to the severity of the shit storm that’s coming.
– Denny’s has a slogan, ‘If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.’  If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
– The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
– I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
– I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
– What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
– When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider… just so I can finally hear a women say, “Oh my God, it’s huge!”

Quite funny and not a single bad word used:

9 pounds of gold

A husband and wife were very happy over the nine pound baby boy that was born to them.

Mr. Brown, who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he had become the proud owner of a nine pound nugget of gold. The editor, upon hearing seemingly extraordinary news, sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown.

When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home….

Reporter:- Does Mr. Brown live here?

Mrs. Brown:- Oh! yes.

Reporter:- Is he in?

Mrs. Brown:- No, he went somewhere.

Reporter:- Is it true that he owns a nine pound nugget of gold?

Mrs. Brown:- (Realizing the joke) Yes! Indeed.

Reporter:- Can I see the place where he found it?

Mrs. Brown:- I’m afraid not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it is strictly private.

Reporter:- Is the place far?

Mrs. Brown:- No, it is quite near and convenient.

Reporter:- How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?

Mrs. Brown:- Just about two years.

Reporter:- Is the hole deep?

Mrs. Brown:- Quite so…

Reporter:- At about what time does Mr. Brown start digging?

Mrs. Brown:- Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.

Reporter:- Does he work hard on it?

Mrs. Brown:- You bet….and how he perspires!

Reporter:- Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?

Mrs. Brown:- He thought he was….

Reporter:- How do you know there was someone ahead of him?

Mrs. Brown:- I’m in good position to say so, because I own the place.

Reporter:- Oh, I see, but did you sell the place to Mr. Brown?

Mrs. Brown:- No, but for the present he has the legal title to the site.

Reporter:- Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works?

Mrs. Brown:- Yes, I work under him….

Reporter:- Do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?

Mrs. Brown:- I don’t think so because he enjoys working on it.

Reporter:- Can I see the nine pound nugget of gold?

Mrs. Brown:- Yes, certainly…

(She showed him the nine pound baby boy..)

The reporter fainted….

Safety First.
Just kidding, coffee first.  Safety’s like third or fourth.

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private “OFF LIMITS” area on all aircraft carriers.  Addressing all personnel at Pearl, CINCPAC advised, “Female sleeping quarters will be “out-of-bounds” for all males.

Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time.”

He continued, “Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150.

“Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.  Are there any questions?”

At this point, a Marine from the security detail assigned to a ship stood up in the crowd and inquired; “How much for a season pass Sir?”

Figures it would be a Marine.

And here’s a really nice story with a good moral at the end.

In the dead of Summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh… if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”

There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him.”

There was a bear on the shore thinking “Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches… that fish will jump for the fly… and I will eat him.”

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. “Gosh” he thought “if that fly goes down three inches… and that fish leaps for it… that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch.”

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking “Gosh… if that fly goes down three  inches… and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish… the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.”

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time “Gosh… if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish…and that hunter shoots that bear… and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich… then I can have mouse for lunch.”

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water… The fish swallows the fly… The bear grabs the fish… The hunter shoots the bear… The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich… The cat jumps for the mouse… The mouse ducks… The cat falls into the water.

The moral of the story is…. Whenever a fly goes down three inches… Some pussy is probably in danger of getting wet.

So, for today’s last word, a fast update on how my hip is doing.  I haven’t been back to see the surgeon yet, that happens on Tuesday, but I believe things are going okay.

There’s a lot more pain involved than I thought there would be, as well as a lot of swelling.  My right leg is swollen from my waste line to my toes. And that has me worried about my replaced knee, which is on the same side, and whether it is suffering any damage. 

But, overall I am doing okay and am happy that I had it done.  I’ll send you out with a couple of medical humor cartoons.  Be well my friends until next week.