On Wednesday, Lethal advised that he was not going to be doing his annual Patriot’s Day issue. Patriot’s Day, 911 Memorial Day, World Trade Center Memorial…you get the idea. I always liked the fact that he did that issue every year because I was sure it would just be too damn hard for me to do it.
And then I realized that that is exactly what he was saying as to why he wasn’t going to be doing it this year and you know what, he’s absolutely right.
They day and days leading up to September 11th are such difficult ones for so very many of us, why are we making it worse by mentally beating ourselves with it. There will be so many other things going on that it is going to be hard, damn hard, for us to just get through. What we really need, really and truly NEED, is a release. A way to psychologically blow a breath of fresh air through our heads.
The day is such a twisted mess for me because, you see, my darling Izzy was born on the day before. So, as this is the sixteenth anniversary of that horribly cowardly event, it is also her sixteenth birthday. A day that should be filled with laughter and happiness, not a day for asking why is Dad so sad?
So today’s issue is going to be a reverse Patriot’s Day issue. And I sincerely hope and pray that none of you out there take it to mean that I am trying to demean or deemphasize this important event in our history. Quite the contrary. Think of this as a medicinal way of dealing with the pain that I know you will be dealing with over the next few days.
So accept this leaf blower of a breath of fresh air through your craniums and may laughter truly be the best medicine.
This one is attributed to the California jury in the O.J. Simpson trial, but I suppose it could be connected with many different high-profile trials of late:
A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, “How could you possibly have found this man innocent?”
The foreman replied, “Insanity.”
The perplexed prosecutor asked, “All twelve of you?”
Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.
He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand, “Congratulations Harry, I just wanted to tell you I’ve been married for twenty-two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.”
“But sir”, said Harry, “a little bit confused, I’m not getting married until tomorrow!”
“Yeah, I know”, said his boss.
What it looks like when Impish finally gets pissed off.
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.
“Reverend,” she wailed, “John and I had a dreadful fight!”
“Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight.”
“I know, I know!” said Joanna. “But what am I going to do with the body?”
Please share this important Public Service Announcement with those people who are determined to rid the country of all monuments, displays and pictures depicting racist images.
Please do not use $1’s, $2’s, $5’s, $10’s, $20’s, $50’s or $100 dollar bills. They contain the images of former slave owners!! However, do NOT throw them away. I am a Certified Money Disposer, also known as a CMD. Please send all offending materials to me and I will dispose of them properly! If you are unable to deliver them, don’t worry, I offer rapid pickup for your convenience! Call me immediately if you are in possession of such offensive materials and I will eliminate the mental anguish you are currently feeling!
To alleviate the pain and guilt you are feeling I can be reached twenty four hours a day at: 1-800-CMD-DRGN
This is the perfect spot for these next … images
Does it all make more sense now? Nope, not to me either.
This one is truly terrible. I’m warning you now, you shouldn’t read it. It’s awful! Please, please, please listen to me! Do not read this next joke!
Once upon a time an evil king captured a virgin princess and held her captive in his high tower.
Though she was very beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress.
“You’ll never get away with this,” she cried. “Some brave knight will rescue me!”
“Not in that thing,” the evil king replied.
She waited day and night, but it was just as the king predicted.
Every knight that saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her dress,
which, as I’ve mentioned, was very disgusting.
After many months the princess broke down crying and the evil king taunted her,
“You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!”
But, you read it anyway, didn’t you?
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor’s office.
“We have come for an examination,” said the young girl.
“All right,” said the doctor. “Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.”
“No, not me,” said the girl. “it’s my old aunt here.”
“Very well,” said the doctor. “Madam, stick out your tongue.”
This next list, although attributed to Jeff Foxworthy, has been determined to not be his material at all. Now, having pushed that piece of factual evidence out in front, it is still worth reading and considering the logic this offers.
You might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is now run by idiots…
If plastic water bottles are okay, but plastic bags are banned.
If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally.
If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion.
If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government.
If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt.
If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat.
If an 80-year-old woman who is confined to a wheelchair or a three-year-old girl can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched.
If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more.
If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable.
If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones.
If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage.
This is hilarious! Saturday Night Live poking fun at Liberals.
That’s such an old and horrible joke!
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf. She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”
The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”
The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”
The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.” The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that!! I’ll take it!”
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful? It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!” The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?” The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”
Okay, so that was another awful joke…they just seem to keep on coming.
I’ve actually seen that happen before. You want to talk about a mess! Think of a tub that you fill with bubble bath liquid….and then keep adding water until the entire bathroom is full of bubbles. Now multiply that by about 100,000!
That’s it for today folks. I hoped you enjoyed your reverse Patriot’s Day issue and got some laughs and smiles. That was my whole goal after all.