Leprechaun Laughs # 410 for September 6th, 2017


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A way nicer view than some people still have of flood waters just outside their doors here. Many flooded homes are now catching fire and power is being shut off in some flooded areas to prevent this and to allow fighting of the fires w/o the worry of electrocution for the firemen.  We have 10Pm to % Am curfews in many areas of Houston and the surrounding suburbs to prevent looting and flood related night time accidents

Damage estimates range for $180 to $190 billion dollars and are still climbing. (The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration estimates Katrina to have cost around $160 billion.) The White House, meanwhile, is expected to ask Congress for $14.5 billion in relief funding. The death toll is up to 65 directly attributable deaths now.

Hurricane Harvey, which dumped an estimated 27 trillion gallons of water on Texas and Louisiana, looks to be one of the most damaging natural disasters in U.S. history. That’s enough to fill the Houston Astrodome 85,000 times or San Francisco Bay 10.6 times at high tide. The National Weather Service now says that  Cedar Bayou, Texas, records 51.88 inches of rain from Harvey. That sets a  new continental U.S. record.​

Flooding continues to affect large areas of Houston, Beaumont and other areas of Texas. Tens of thousands have been forced to evacuate their homes, and oil rig shut downs and evacuations along the Gulf have curbed oil and gas production. This in turn has caused other parts of the country to fell the effects of Harvey as gas prices rise (up $0.26/gal in a week in the Northeast)

FEMA reported Thursday that more than 96,000 people in Texas have been approved for emergency assistance, including financial aid for rent and lost property. More than $57 million has already been distributed for housing, personal property and transportation assistance. More than 72,000 people have been rescued so far, according to officials.

OK, enough with the depressing side of things but before we get going let me just say to see the end of the issue for an announcement about the September 11th Issue.

Now, onward and laugh-ward!

Varrom

 

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“Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol.”

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

A Beretta testimonial.

Here is her story:

While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It’s one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus … the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.

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Montana Grizzly Bear Notice:

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle the bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains a lot of berry seeds and squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.

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Comprehending Engineers – Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Comprehending Engineers – Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers -Take Three

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”

The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

“Hi John. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

Comprehending Engineers -Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers -Take Five

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Comprehending Engineers -Take Six

“Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.”

Comprehending Engineers -Take Seven

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, “I like both.”

“Both?”

“Yeah,” replied the engineer. “If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

Comprehending Engineers – Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now that’s cool!”

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How to get to Heaven from Ireland

(A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher)

I was questioning children in my Dublin Sunday school class,

to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale,

and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’

‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything

tidy, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, the answer was ‘NO!’

‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, they all answered ‘NO!’

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ‘Then how can I get into heaven?’

A little boy shouted out: ‘YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN’ DEAD.’

It’s a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?

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Another of those weird motorcycle pictures. I swear this is becoming a fad or a thing now.

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So I went to visit Impish in his recovery.The thing you have to know about Impish and in fact most dragons in general is when they are laid up and off the hunt they expect their visitors to arrive with edible gifts for them. In fact they get down right peevish if you don’t. Also you’ll barely get the time of day if you only show up with one gift as to them it indicates you don’t think a whole lot of their suffering.

So here was the first gift I took him figuring he could use it to lounge out in the fresh air in style. There is even a state of the art memory foam cushion for it that isn’t shown for clarity sake.

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Impish barley acknowledged it with a grunt before rather peevishly asking, “that’s it nothing to nosh?” as he used his oversized schnozola to practically vacuum any and all scent molecules off me and out of the air. (Keep in mid I have already been paying 2 catering services to cater to his culinary whims since his return home.)

“Brought you a sandwich to tide you over until 4th meal ( it was 11AM and he’d already eaten 3 times). You’ll like this, they call it a the ‘Ginormous El Grande Gut Buster’. I asked for everything but the kitchen sink in it but I think they might have slipped the sink in there to when I sneezed. IT weighs in at just shy of 24 pounds.”

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Whisking it out of my hands with his forked tongue, pausing just long enough to unwrap it, (tin foil gives him indigestion in his old age apparently) he downed it in just 2 chomps licked his maw and claws clean, burped (mumbled ‘Mmm! SPICEY!’) and said “Eh- I’d call it a small.”

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Here is one that I wrote several years ago inspired by Jeff Foxworthy.

You may be a redneck if…

When the preacher starts extolling the virtues of the King on Sunday, you don’t know if he is talking about Elvis or Richard Petty!

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This Week in History: 4th September-8th September

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They Walk Among Us … and they vote… And What is Even Worse, they Reproduce

My neighbor bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it.”

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

“Fridge for sale $50.”

The next day someone stole it.

Caution… They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


At the airport:

Official: ” Has anyone put anything into your bags without your knowledge?”

Traveller: “Sir, if they had done it without my knowledge, how would I know?’

Caution… They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted…

“Look at that dead bird!”

Someone looked up at the sky and said…

“Where???”

Caution… They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?”

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for a very long time.

She shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff.”

Caution… They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


I stopped at McDonalds and ordered some fries.

The McClone behind the counter asked, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’

Caution… They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.

One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”

He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?”

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific”

Caution… They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


Recently, when I went to McDonald’s, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. ‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets, ‘ said the McClone at the counter. ‘You don’t?’ I replied. ‘We only have six, nine, or twelve, ‘ was the reply. ‘So I can’t order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’ ‘That’s right.’ So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

Caution… They Walk Among Us and They Vote!


More tech suport calls…

Customer: ‘I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through; can you help?’

Operator: ‘Where did you get that number, sir?’

Customer: ‘It’s on the door of your business.’

Operator: ‘Sir, those are the hours that we are open.’

Caution… They Walk Among Us and They Vote!

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Important Notice

For myriad of reasons I have decided there will not be a September 11th Special Edition this year. At least not one authored by me. If Impish wishes to do one that’s ok by me and I will not feel slighted in the least.

The reasons are complex and many having to do with, my personal mindset and emotions  regarding the events of September 11th 2001, my health, and events occurring in my private life currently which must take precedence.

As someone pointed out to me recently these issues are sort of a waste of time. I’m preaching to the choir. Those who read DragonLaffs and/or Leprechaun Laughs are not likely to ever forget the events of that tragic day. In fact the primary effect of putting together such an issue is only to keep fresh my own personal wounds stemming from that day.

I find other events currently happening in my life are putting me under a great deal of stress and demanding more and more of my time. These events must take priority and truth be told I am struggling week to week to find the time to continue to turn out the high quality regular issues that I have always striven for let alone enough time to due a special issue proper justice. I personally will never forget those whom we lost that day nor will I ever forgive those responsible.

I hope that you can understand my decision, know how difficult it was for me to reach it and how hard it was to accept the advice and realization that those who counseled me offered to me. If I have disappointed anyone all I can say is I am sincerely sorry, but we all have our limits and limitations and must accept them.

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About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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3 Responses to Leprechaun Laughs # 410 for September 6th, 2017

  1. Joe says:

    never ever apologize for your life being higher on the list than an ezine!! i truly love reading you and impish’s work! LIFE is first!
    Good Luck to you both!
    as for 9 11….those of us that lived through it will never let the younger forget!!

  2. Leah D. says:

    Every year, there are many tv documentary shows about 9-11. I never watch them. When 9-11 happened, I was consumed by it. I went into a depression that lasted for at least 18 months. I read and watched everything about it, and the war that ensued.
    It still hurts so bad, I don’t dare watch or read about it, for fear I will fall back into that depression abyss.
    We will NEVER forget. However, everyday life seems to be more challenging these days. Sad as it is, it is in the past (although we still suffer the consequences of it), and the future and the present must take priority.
    I salute you for all your constant hard work putting out an issue, and for recognizing what is more important in your life at this time.

  3. impishdragon says:

    Excellent issue today my brother and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are aware of my personal issues and have done an awesome job of supplying me with relief of all kinds, not the least of which is the special friendship we share. I laughed out loud several times today at your issue and must say how much better I feel for having done so. (I don’t wish to speculate as to how long it’s been since I’ve done so).
    So thank you much for the efforts you’ve made and the energy you put into this at such a difficult time. You are truly one of a kind.

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