Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Last Saturday, at one of our regular Saturday Tournaments, I set a personal goal that I’ve had for a LONG time.  Many other darters have reached this goal, but for me, it was a first…ever.

I had my first ever Ton-Eighty!  Let me explain what that means.  In darts, 100 points is called a Ton.  The highest space on the board is the twenty wedge and the highest part of the twenty wedge is the triple. Right here:

When you hit that little-bitty spot it’s worth twenty times three or sixty points.  When you hit it three times, it’s worth one hundred-eighty points.  The highest score on the board.  Even higher than hitting that little red dot in the middle, which is the double bulls eye.  The green ring is the bulls eye.  The bulls eye is worth twenty-five points, therefore, the double bulls eye (or double bull) is worth fifty points.  If you can manager to smash all three darts into that little red dot, which has been done before, although never by me, is still only worth 150 points.

So, the Ton-80 that I threw is a big deal.  Maybe not to a lot of dart players, but for me it certainly was.

This is pretty cool and a GREAT example of pure artistry.

A train made entirely of chocolate has set a new Guinness World Record as the longest chocolate structure in the world……

The sculpture, on display at the busy Brussels South station, is 112-feet (34.05 meters) long and weighs over 2,755 pounds (1250 kilos).

Maltese chocolate artist Andrew Farrugia spent over 700 hours constructing the masterpiece.

He said he came up with the idea of the train last year after visiting the Belgian Chocolate Festival in Bruge: “I had this idea for a while, and I said what do you think if we do this realization of a long chocolate train, you know, because a train you can make it as long as you like. “Actually it was going to be much smaller than it was, but I kept on adding another wagon, and another wagon, and it’s the size it is today.”

Farrugia had previously built a smaller train of 12 feet for an event in Malta, which he said gave him insight about how to build this much larger version.

There are two parts to the train. The first seven wagons are modeled after the new Belgian trains, and the rest of the train is modeled after the old train wagons, including a wagon with a bar and restaurant on board.

Three days before the event, Farrugia transported the chocolate train by truck in 25 wooden boxes from Malta to Belgium.

Farrugia said the train incurred considerable damage during the drive and several of the train’s walls had completely collapsed. Luckily, with hard work and little sleep, the chocolate artist was able to fix all the damages before presenting the train to the public on Monday.

After measuring the length of the train and confirming no material other than chocolate was used, officials from the Guinness Book of World Records added a new category to the collection of world records and declared the train to be the longest chocolate structure in the world.

Now that you’ve read the article, you’ve got to see some of the pictures.

Amazing, right?

And before any of you get any ideas, this next one is NOT about MY son.  LOL.

My son told me, “Dad, I would like to have a tattoo.”

I told him, “No, nobody has one in our family, and you are not having one!”

He asked me, “Why not? All my friends have a tattoo”!

I told him, “It would be a stain on your body forever”!

He pleaded with me, “Dad, please, please, just a Disney Character on my belly”?

And after many hours of discussion, I finally gave in and decided to let him.  After all, he was a young man with his own freedom of choice, and I thought a Disney Character is probably not so bad!

WRONG!!!

Antique Tool Still In Use.   Do you know what it is?

Tobacco Smoke Enema Kit  (1750s – 1810s).

The tobacco enema was used to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient’s rectum for various medical purposes, but primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims

  A rectal tube inserted into the anus was connected to a fumigator and bellows that forced the smoke into the rectum. The warmth of the smoke was thought to promote respiration.

  Doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase “blowing smoke up your ass.”

  As you are most likely aware, this odd tool is still heavily used by all levels of government.

I just have one  correction to make to the above, the odd tool is still heavily used by higher levels of government than me.

Here’s a letter to the boss that will never work for you.

Dear Boss,

I have enjoyed working here these past several years.
You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream  about.
Despite this I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position.
During this time I will show up for work when it is  convenient. In addition I fully expect to draw my full salary and  all the other perks associated with my current job.
Oh yes, if my search for this new job proves  fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say  anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.
Sincerely,
Every Senator or Congressman running for President.

Try that at your job and tell me how it works out.

When people say, “Stop living in the past,” my thought in turn is, “But, the music was so much better then!”

Yup, completely unexplainable…

Be Decisive.  Right or wrong, make a damn decision.  The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.” ~ Unknown

Good Morning Campers,

Another week without a Wednesday Issue and for that I apologize, but this is a special issue and needs to be celebrated in and for itself.  This is issue number 1600!  I’m really quite proud of that.

It’s also Easter Sunday, a special day in the mythological pantheon we live in.  A day when the Easter Dragon brings candy and treats to all the good little boys and girls everywhere.  And as you can see from the cartoon to the right, the reason we have roasted chicken for Easter dinner.

And to the left, we have a candid picture of the Easter Dragon coloring eggs for all the good little boys and girls.  I’m not sure he much cares for it.  I mean, look at him.  He looks pissed off to me.

He looks like he doesn’t like kids.  And although the true meaning of Easter has nothing to do with colored eggs, chocolate, jelly beans, marshmallow peeps…

…I forgot what I was saying.

I’ve got to go … I … um … need to … um … go to the store.  Yeah, that’s it. I need to go to the store.

 

 

Well, what color did you expect the Easter Bunny to color the walls?

 

And with that image, let’s call an end to today’s issue.  I hope you all have a wonderful day tomorrow.

Be well.

Cheers ~ Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Still Sick.  Left work early yesterday (Monday) and stayed home from work today (Tuesday)  I have important meetings tomorrow so I’ll have to go whether I want to or not.

You know, they have said that this flu has hung on for a long time with a lot of people, but this is getting crazy.  I feel like I’ve been sick since Christmas.  I know a bunch of you out there are going through the same thing, and my heart goes out to you…as well as my box of tissues.

So, I really think I need the laughs.  So, let’s get to it.

I’m gonna really have to try that at work this week.

That is what it’s coming to.  You can get just about anything else on Amazon.

I know, I know, I know.  I have the answer to that last one!  The reason the chicken crossed the road is to get to Olive Garden!   I know, but I have proof. Here’s a tweet from the Augusta Maine Police Department.

Officers responded to the parking lot of the Olive Garden in Augusta for a report of a wayward chicken with a craving for soup, salad and breadsticks. An epic 20 minute foot pursuit ensued, spanning an area totaling upwards of 50 feet with the beaked bandit initially having the upper hand zigging when expected to zag. As the bird headed for Interstate on ramp and the high speeds of I-95 northbound, Augusta PD’s SNAT (Special Nets and Tactics) Team arrived on scene and apprehended the absconding bird without further incident. Anyone with knowledge of the owner or guardian of this rascal contact Augusta PD at 207-626-2370.

 

 

And now the decline and fall of the human race is all but assured.

GEORGE CARLIN ON “SHIT”

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

Consider: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit for brains, shit blinded, shit over or shit on. Some people know their shit while others don’t know the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, dog shit, cat shit, bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, and horse shit. There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, slimy shit, rough shit, limp shit.

You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit pink twinkies, shit marbles, or shit your guts out. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, keep shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and good shit. Some shit doesn’t stink while other things really smell like shit. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can be faster than shit or you can be slower than shit. Sometimes you’ll find shit on a stick, sometimes you’ll find shit everywhere, and then there are times when you can’t find shit at all.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit, have a mountain of shit, have a river of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some people just can’t cut the shit.

There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and serious shit. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don’t want any shit at all. You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass out the window and shit on the world. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG DUMP. Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else.

Well, here’s an update. 

Today is Wednesday and I was up all night being sick.  So Mrs. Dragon is going to take me to the Immediate Care later.  I’ll let you know.

Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and friends to post my bail when I finally snap.

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. It’s 11:00 AM on a Wednesday.

 

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!”

 

The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am a Mexican and here illegally.”

 

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America.”

 

The person says, “I not American, I Vietnamese and here on a Green Card that expired two years ago.”

 

The new arrival walks farther and stops the next person he sees, then shaking his hand, and says, “Thank you for wonderful America!”

That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East. I am not American.  It was easy to get here via Arizona.”

 

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an American?”

 

She says, “No, I am from Africa here on an Education Green Card that expired 10 years ago.”

 

Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Americans?”

 

The African lady checks her watch and says:  “Probably at work.”

 

IF YOU DON’T PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS, BY TOMORROW, YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE

A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a TRUMP “Make America Great Again” cap with two beers sitting in front of him.

The union boss doesn’t need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender….  but not for the Republican.”

Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the union boss.

After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican.  As before, this doesn’t seem to bother the Republican.  He nods and smiles, and again yells, “Thank you!”

A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican.

Just as before, this STILL doesn’t seem to faze the Republican who continues smiling and again yells out, “Thank you!!”

Frustrated that he can’t seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, “What is wrong with that Republican?  I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me.  Is he nuts…?”

“Nope,” replies the bartender.  “He owns the place.”

ADVICE TO DEMOCRATS, LIBERALS AND ALL LEFTIES:  WHEN YOUR HORSE DIES, IT’S TIME TO DISMOUNT.

What kind of a dumb ass do you have to be to use yourself as the fuse in a car bomb? That’s exactly what this fucking genius did at Travis AFB in California on Wednesday night.  Loads the truck up with gasoline and LP tanks lights himself on fire, runs the gate, rolls into the ditch (because he’s fucking dead) and causes no problems, no explosions (even though the news sources say there was) because the dumb ass either forgot or didn’t realize that you have to open the LP tanks and gasoline cans before they will explode!  Friggin’ idiot.

So, that shows you what kind of week I’ve had.

Anyway, that’s the end of today’s issue 

Until next week

Good Morning Campers,

(Sniff, Snortle, Cough)  Sorry I missed Wednesday’s issue (Sneeze, Sniff) but I’ve come down with the (Cough, Cough, Snortle, Sniff) Galloping Nevergetovers and I’ve been pretty sick.  Still have to work, but well….that’s life.

So, (Sneeze, Sneeze, Sneeze) let’s just get on with laughing.

A Chinese guy comes into the pub, stands next to me and starts drinking.  I says to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts like kung fu, ju-jitsu or karate?”

He says, “Why da fuck you ask me dat?  Is it cuz I Chinese?”

“No” I said, “It’s because you’re drinking my fucking beer!”

Damn, I’m older than dirt!

A baby can drink a bottle, fall asleep and people say it’s cute.  If I do it, I’m an alcoholic!

Walking into the bar Paddy said to Mick, the bartender, “Will you pour me a large one, I just had another fight with herself.”

“I will,” answered Mick, “and how did this one end?”

“Well, when it was over she came at me on her hands and knees.”

“Really?” asked Mick.  “That’s a bit of a turn around, what did she say?”

“She said, ‘come out from under that bed ya spineless little gobshite ya!’”

Also known as an Asshole Lens.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.  He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t.  It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

 

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray.  He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

 

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

 

The grandfather replies, “I know.  That’s from your grandma.”

The world is a little sadder this week for the loss of a great man.  Stephen Hawking is dead at 76.  You will be missed.  And I am most assured that one of my favorite shows, The Big Bang Theory, will have something to say about it.

Stephen Hawking, the famed theoretical physicist who defied a diagnosis of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis to live virtually his entire adult life with the disease – in a wheelchair and paralyzed but making constant contributions to a world few could understand – has died at age 76, a family spokesman said.

Although Hawking may have been incapacitated physically, he managed to write books, including the best seller “A Brief History of Time,” teach physics and mathematics, deliver speeches and even float in zero gravity, all while working in the fields of cosmology and quantum gravity.

He was not modest about what he wanted to do. “My goal is simple,” he once said. “It is a complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all.”

You can read the rest of the very good article here: http://www.foxnews.com/science/2018/03/14/stephen-hawking-famed-physicist-dead-at-76.html

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place.

When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.

Joe said that he’d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better.

Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.

She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!”

You may have noticed that today is St. Patrick’s Day and that today’s issue had a definite lack of any Irish.  It has been Lethal’s day for so long, that I just knew I couldn’t do it justice and trying to would just my heart further. 

I miss you lots brother and want you to hurry up and get better, but you take this time to heal and put yourself back together.  But know that you are loved and missed.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

While you’re reading this, I’m busy throwing darts for charity.  I told you about the Linda Foote Tournament on Wednesday and the fact that we’re playing for Cancer…Hopefully, I’ll do well enough to win some money.  I’ll probably just donate it right back to the charity, but we’ll see.

Anyway, why don’t we get some laughter in?

Yup, us too.  And looking at the meat on that sandwich it’s actually bologna that’s been fried or it’s slightly undercooked Taylor’s Pork Roll, but either way, it is definitely a blast from my past.

That goes double for infants!  To say that you FORGOT the baby was in the back seat…how in the hell do you forget that you have a baby?  I’ve forgotten a lot of things in my life, but never one of my kids.

– Halloween  is over!
– Thanksgiving is over!
– Christmas is over!
– New Year is over!
– Valentines Day is over!

Now, I just want summer.

You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe next to you, and a lion chasing you.  What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

Just like a woman…

A woman goes with her husband to the doctor for his exam.  After the exam, the doctor pulls the wife aside and says, “Your husband is suffering from severe long-term stress, and he is a good candidate for a heart attack or stroke.  If you don’t do the following three things, he will surely die.”

“First, every morning fix him a healthy breakfast.  Second, when he gets home, make him a warm, nutritious dinner and don’t burden him with household chores.  Third, have sex with him several times a week.”

On the way home, the husband asks the wife, “I saw the doctor talking to you and he looked serious.  What did he say?”

The wife replies, “He says you’re going to die.”

When I text I use the word duck a lot.

Mainly because autocorrect is a ditch.

Ain’t that the truth…ain’t that the truth.

Once a girl takes off her bra don’t ask her to do shit.  She’s clocked off from life.

I’m a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in a body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

My wife just stopped and said, “You weren’t even listening were you?”

I thought… “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation?”

Pearls Before Swine is another one of my favorite cartoons.  And in case you can’t figure it out, the dude with the backwards baseball hat and the scraggly beard is the cartoonist Stephan Pastis.

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco, and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, “Think I’m gonna divorce the wife – she ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.”

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, “Better think it over; women like that are hard to find.”

And that my friends is going to do it for today.  May you have a wonderful weekend, until we meet again.

Cheers! ~ Impish Dragon