Good Morning Campers,

Still Sick.  Left work early yesterday (Monday) and stayed home from work today (Tuesday)  I have important meetings tomorrow so I’ll have to go whether I want to or not.

You know, they have said that this flu has hung on for a long time with a lot of people, but this is getting crazy.  I feel like I’ve been sick since Christmas.  I know a bunch of you out there are going through the same thing, and my heart goes out to you…as well as my box of tissues.

So, I really think I need the laughs.  So, let’s get to it.

I’m gonna really have to try that at work this week.

That is what it’s coming to.  You can get just about anything else on Amazon.

I know, I know, I know.  I have the answer to that last one!  The reason the chicken crossed the road is to get to Olive Garden!   I know, but I have proof. Here’s a tweet from the Augusta Maine Police Department.

Officers responded to the parking lot of the Olive Garden in Augusta for a report of a wayward chicken with a craving for soup, salad and breadsticks. An epic 20 minute foot pursuit ensued, spanning an area totaling upwards of 50 feet with the beaked bandit initially having the upper hand zigging when expected to zag. As the bird headed for Interstate on ramp and the high speeds of I-95 northbound, Augusta PD’s SNAT (Special Nets and Tactics) Team arrived on scene and apprehended the absconding bird without further incident. Anyone with knowledge of the owner or guardian of this rascal contact Augusta PD at 207-626-2370.

 

 

And now the decline and fall of the human race is all but assured.

GEORGE CARLIN ON “SHIT”

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

Consider: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit for brains, shit blinded, shit over or shit on. Some people know their shit while others don’t know the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, dog shit, cat shit, bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, and horse shit. There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, slimy shit, rough shit, limp shit.

You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit pink twinkies, shit marbles, or shit your guts out. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, keep shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and good shit. Some shit doesn’t stink while other things really smell like shit. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can be faster than shit or you can be slower than shit. Sometimes you’ll find shit on a stick, sometimes you’ll find shit everywhere, and then there are times when you can’t find shit at all.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit, have a mountain of shit, have a river of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some people just can’t cut the shit.

There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and serious shit. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don’t want any shit at all. You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass out the window and shit on the world. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG DUMP. Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else.

Well, here’s an update. 

Today is Wednesday and I was up all night being sick.  So Mrs. Dragon is going to take me to the Immediate Care later.  I’ll let you know.

Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and friends to post my bail when I finally snap.

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. It’s 11:00 AM on a Wednesday.

 

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!”

 

The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am a Mexican and here illegally.”

 

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America.”

 

The person says, “I not American, I Vietnamese and here on a Green Card that expired two years ago.”

 

The new arrival walks farther and stops the next person he sees, then shaking his hand, and says, “Thank you for wonderful America!”

That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East. I am not American.  It was easy to get here via Arizona.”

 

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an American?”

 

She says, “No, I am from Africa here on an Education Green Card that expired 10 years ago.”

 

Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Americans?”

 

The African lady checks her watch and says:  “Probably at work.”

 

IF YOU DON’T PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS, BY TOMORROW, YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE

A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a TRUMP “Make America Great Again” cap with two beers sitting in front of him.

The union boss doesn’t need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender….  but not for the Republican.”

Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the union boss.

After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican.  As before, this doesn’t seem to bother the Republican.  He nods and smiles, and again yells, “Thank you!”

A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican.

Just as before, this STILL doesn’t seem to faze the Republican who continues smiling and again yells out, “Thank you!!”

Frustrated that he can’t seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, “What is wrong with that Republican?  I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me.  Is he nuts…?”

“Nope,” replies the bartender.  “He owns the place.”

ADVICE TO DEMOCRATS, LIBERALS AND ALL LEFTIES:  WHEN YOUR HORSE DIES, IT’S TIME TO DISMOUNT.

What kind of a dumb ass do you have to be to use yourself as the fuse in a car bomb? That’s exactly what this fucking genius did at Travis AFB in California on Wednesday night.  Loads the truck up with gasoline and LP tanks lights himself on fire, runs the gate, rolls into the ditch (because he’s fucking dead) and causes no problems, no explosions (even though the news sources say there was) because the dumb ass either forgot or didn’t realize that you have to open the LP tanks and gasoline cans before they will explode!  Friggin’ idiot.

So, that shows you what kind of week I’ve had.

Anyway, that’s the end of today’s issue 

Until next week