Dragon Laffs

My friends,

On the morning of Tuesday, January 9th, my 40 year-old daughter died.  She had suffered most of her young life with addiction as well as physical and mental issues.  Her death is still under investigation, but it appears she took her own life.

I have been trying to write this post for hours, actually, if the truth be told, I’ve been trying to write this post in my head since the moment I was contacted by the investigators.  One of my first thoughts was to reach out to you, my extended family.  But, as you can imagine, I’m really still in shock.

Please don’t worry if I don’t answer your emails or other messages right away.  My wonderful wife has possession of my phone and is handling most everything that is coming in.

We are not asking for anything from anybody other than thoughts and prayers.  But, if you read between the lines you probably understand that she had no life insurance and her family is raising money for burial expenses and such.  Her mother has started a facebook fundraiser to help raise money.  I don’t know that much about facebook, have no real desire to learn anything about facebook and if it wasn’t for the dart league I wouldn’t even have facebook.  But, if you’d like to contribute, you can hit the same button you hit to donate and I’ll make sure that a special check is written from dragonlaffs.

Thank you for your love and prayers, I haven’t even sent this out and I can already feel your outpouring of love and prayers.

Thank you my dear, dear friends and family.

I’m sorry.  Ran out of time this week, so no witty opening and just a short issue today.

Hey!  Wait a damn minute!

While I was out shopping today I tripped in the store.  A woman saw this and wouldn’t stop staring so I smiled at her and said, “Sorry, but it’s been a while since I possessed a body.”  She looked horrified.

I’m not sure if you’ll be able to read this, you might try copying it and enlarging it, but it is a GREAT essay!  All parents should pay attention.

I heard this on the radio the other day and had to share:

10 Foods that make us the happiest:
Chocolate
Pizza
Fried Foods
Steak
Burgers
Spicy Foods
Ice Cream
Brownies
Cheese
Pasta

Of course…in no particular order.

I had an interesting New Year’s Eve.  I went line dancing that night…well, it was a roadside sobriety test … same thing.

I have CDO.  It’s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be!

Walmart is closing 269 stores in 2019 putting 14 cashiers out of work.

Life should be more like hockey.  When someone pisses you off, you just beat the shit out of them and then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.

To everyone that received a book from me for Christmas, they’re due back at the library next Friday.

Thank you.

I don’t understand why people say hurtful things like “Want to go for a run?” Or “Try this kale.”

I’m not self-medicating with chocolate.  The lady at the shop wrote me a prescription… well, she called it a receipt.  Whatever.

I replaced my litter box with a FedX box, now when it’s full, I just tape it shut and put it on my porch for someone to steal.

When I dunk my cookies in milk I think of you.

And hold them under until the bubbles stop.

If you weight 200 pounds on Earth, you’ll only be 76 pounds on Mars.

You’re not overweight, you’re just on the wrong planet.

Let’s do some Motivationals!!!!!!!!

I’m not sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces every now and then and causes lots and lots of problems.

My chemistry tutor at school asked my class to write 1000 words on acid.  Unfortunately, I was unable to complete the assignment as my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

Something to ponder…

The United States has become a place where entertainers and professional athletes are mistaken for people of importance…

I’ve needed a Doctor.

I’ve needed a Teacher.

I NEED farmers every day.

I have NEEDED an auto mechanic, a plumber, a house painter, and a lot of other everyday people.

But I have NEVER, not even ONCE, NEVER NEEDED a pro athlete, a media personality, or a Hollywood entertainer for ANYTHING!

And I most especially have NEVER NEEDED their FUCKING OPINION on ANYTHING!

Finally, a good Trump joke.

The President is walking out of the White House and heading towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!”  This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout, ‘Mickey Mouse’?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous.  I meant to shout… ‘Donald, duck’!”

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.

“No, they went to town.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!”.

The boy thought for a moment, then said, “You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $50 for the bulls and $15 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

That’s it my friends.  Until next week.

New year, new beginnings.  Different than old beginnings.

There are a lot of jokes about new year resolutions, about gym memberships that don’t last through the first month, spending and saving programs that piddle out in February.  But, the new year is still a new beginning.  A chance to change.

I know, I can hear you out there saying that you can start change anytime.  Every day is a new day, a new beginning.  But there is something special, something magical, about the new year.  Something that says, “from this day forward…”  Something that just begs to be held up to the sky, to the bright day of a new year and with your deepest primordial scream of defiance, yell into the heavens, “today is a new day!  I am alive!  And from this day forward I am going to ______”

And you get to fill in the blank.

Here are some of my blanks:

Start the day with a “Good Morning!” and a smile.  You don’t have to walk into the office or into a meeting and jump right into things.  There is plenty of time for that.  The first time I see someone during the day, it’s going to be, “Good Morning!” with a smile on my face like I’m happy to see them.  Not immediately jump to, “Where are we with this?” or “I’m going to need you to do this.”  We’ll get to that, after the “Good Morning!” and the smile.

I’m going to think of reasons and excuses to say “yes” rather than to immediately default to “no”.  Now, I’m not bad at this right now, but I can be better.  And that’s not to say that there aren’t times when “No!” is not only appropriate, it’s a complete sentence.  But, if everyone said “yes” when they could and SHOULD say “yes”, wouldn’t the world be a much better place?

I’m going to do a better job of ignoring the pain and living my life despite it.  Enough about that.

I’m going to make someone smile every day because of something I’ve done or said.

And now it’s time to make all of us smile, and chase the darkness back a bit further.

Don’t annoy me this week, because if you do…

I will give your number to all the kids and tell them it’s Santa’s Hotline.

The worst thing about spanking a disobedient child in a store during Christmas Time, is not knowing whose child it is.

My bank account is the worst!  They’re charging me money for not having enough money in my account.  Apparently, I can’t even afford to be broke!

Life’s Rules #27a:
If  you haven’t grown up by age 50 you don’t have to.
See!!!!  That’s my story and I’m sticking with it!!!

I know Christmas is over and I’m trying to stick to New Year’s cartoons but I just had to share this next one because it is just so horribly BAD!!!!

Did you also catch the name of the place in the window?

Impish Dragon’s Blanks

“Today is a new Day!  I am alive!  And from this day forward I am going to ____.”

Get the Brown Gold recipe from Lethal.

Find Lethal’s deli guy and get his pastrami.

Fly to Cuba more often for a better quality cigar. 

Raze and harass more villages to get better virginal sacrifices.

Eat salad they say.
It’s healthy.
You know what never gets recalled?
Cake.
I am sticking to cake.

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised nine year-old was given a hundred dollars.

Banks need to get better at restocking these ATMs at Christmas…
This is the 5th one I’ve been to that has “insufficient funds.”

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the liquor store.

 

I’m opening a gym called “Resolutions”.  It will have exercise equipment for the first two weeks and then it turns into a bar for the rest of the year.

 

Roadside sobriety tests are getting so tough!  Last night when I got stopped I had to fold a fitted sheet.

Whenever I tell someone where I live and they say, “oh my gosh, that’s so far” I’m like calm down, I’m not inviting you over.

I’m in favor of a law that requires all telemarketers to wear shock collars that can be activated by pressing the pound (#) key.

My brain cells, skin cells, and hair cells continue to die.  But my stubborn fat cells seem to have eternal life.

 

 

 

 

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician.

The magician was standing at the top of a slide.

The magician than said, ”You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink.

The first man went down yelling, ”beerrr!!!” Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.

The second guy went down the slide yelling,”lemonadeee!!!” Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.

The third guy went down the slide yelling ”wheeeeeeeee!!!”’

Ever look at someone and think to yourself, “Why has no one hit you with a shovel yet?”

John was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Mike crouched, clutching his hands between his legs.
“What’s wrong?” John said.
“I’ve been hit by a bloody golf ball!” said Mike.
Just then John’s blonde wife, Tanya, came to the door and said, “Quick come in here and I’ll look after you.”
When John looked in the kitchen he saw Mike sitting on a dining chair. Tanya had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing his friend’s family jewels with cotton wool and water.
“Wow!” said John, “How do you feel?”
Mike turned and said “John, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!”
Then, holding his hand in the air he said, “But I still think I’ll lose the thumb nail!”

And on that note, I’m going to wish you each and every one a happy new year and best wishes for a much better 2019 than 2018 had a chance of becoming!

Love you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Now you know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen.
But what do you recall
Of the most famous Dragon of all?

Impish the big nosed dragon,
Had a very impressive snout,
And if you ever saw it,
You would even give a shout!

All of the other dragons,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Impish,
Play in any dragon games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
”Impish, what in the hell are you doing hanging around in the kitchen!?
Don’t you know there’s a shit load of work to be done before we can leave tonight?
You gonna leave it all for me and the annoying little elves to take care of?
I can’t even count on Mrs. Claus since she ran away with that damn leprechaun friend of yours.  Now, stop hanging around here trying to eat one of my cooks and get your ass upstairs and get ready to drag that sled all over creation and drop off presents to all the brats out there!”

Then all the dragons laughed at him,
As they watched the dragon work,
Impish the big nosed dragon,
You’re such a fucking dork.

That whole bullshit story about some red glowing nosed reindeer named Rudolph was made up by Rankin and Bass to sell electric razors!  Dragons have been helping Santa deliver presents since there was a Santa.  But little kids tend to be afraid of big ole mean dragons so kind and gentle deer seemed a better way to go.

Bastards.  Giving us dragons a bad name.

So, let’s get this Christmas Issue started!

See!  Always getting the blame for stuff.

You only live once.  But, if you do it right, once is enough. ~ Mae West

When people text shit to me in CAPS, I be like u better lower yo mutha fuckin letters bitch.

I’m so poor, I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt.
When people say, “Oh you smell good, what is that?”
I say, “Page 14.”

Studies have shown the reason you may be awake right now is because you not asleep.

Apparently, it’s only appropriate to say, “Look at you!  You got so big!” to children.  Adults tend to get offended.

Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet.

Not only did I fall off the diet wagon, I dragged it into the woods, set it on fire, and used the insurance money to buy cupcakes.

If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin…
…and muffins are healthy.

Do you ever go into a room and forget what you went in there for?
Well, that’s how I lost my job as a fireman…

I’m on a wine diet.

So far I’ve lost three days.

If you can’t be the sharpest tool in the shed, you can always be the hoe.

Dear Santa…

Before I explain, how much do you know already?

You’ll laugh if you get it.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, “Toys not included.” ~ Bernard M

 

I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas…he washed my mouth out with soap.

Our family is just one tent away from a full-blown circus.

Dear Santa,

I’ve been good for the past week or so.  Let’s just focus on that!

Today’s Advice:

Sing Christmas songs at work until they send you home.

Here is one of the theories that I live by:

BE DECISIVE!
Right or wrong, get off the dime, and make a decision!
The road of life is paved with FLAT SQUIRRELS who couldn’t decide.

A man has been drinking all day at a bar. Late at night, he suddenly checks his clock.
“1:30 am, darn. I need to go home now or the wife’s going to kill me,” he says to the bartender.
But as he’s trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. “I’m just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up.”

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again he falls to the floor, this time even harder. At this point, he realizes this won’t work, but he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his(blissfully sleeping) wife and passes out.

The next morning his wife wakes him up, not kindly.
“So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?”

The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home, so he tries to play it cool: “Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn’t drink much… just a couple of beers.”
His wife starts nodding understandably: “Ah ha, makes sense.”

She starts to turn and then stops and turns back to him:
“Oh, by the way, the bar owner called this morning, you left your wheelchair there, idiot.”

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed.

He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. “There’s no charge,” he says.

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she say

“Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician says, “it cost nothing.

“You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

“I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

“Then it was just a matter of switching the heads.”

A man visits the local council for a job interview. During his interview, the interviewer asks him “Are you allergic to anything?” to which the man replies “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?”
“Yes,” he says. “I was in Iraq for one tour.”
The interviewer replies “That will give you 5 extra points towards employment.”

After this, he asks “Are you disabled in any way?”
The applicant says “Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.”
Upon hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and says “Sorry to hear that… Okay then. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am, and plan on starting at 10 am every day.”
The man says: “If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, I’ll come at a normal hour, I want to do my part.”

“You misunderstand.” Says the interviewer. “This is a government job, For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

You may think that was a funny joke, but in reality it’s very true.  All we do for the first two hours every day is drink coffee and scratch our balls.

I’ll tell you why I can’t lose weight…I’ve got metal fillings in my teeth and my refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen.

Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other little love notes like, “I considered smothering you with a pillow last night, but didn’t.”

They say, “do what you love and money will follow.”

So I ate cheesecake and drank wine…

Now I wait!

I FINALLY DID IT!
Bought a brand new pair of shoes with memory foam insoles.  No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.

Okay, that’s just too creepy.

You’re welcome!

We gotta have some Christmas Motivationals!!!!!!!!!!

 

To all of you, my dear and loyal friends, fellow travelers on the road to laughing the world’s Bull Shit away, I hope you enjoyed this SUPER large and SUPER special Christmas issue.  I’m not sure how next week will work out, but I will try my very best to have a huge New Year’s issue next Saturday.

I do have plans with my family over the next week, as should each of you!  I hope that each of you have time to do the same.

I do have one request for each of you.  Some time between now and Christmas, please take a minute to think about our troops who cannot be home for the Christmas and New Year’s holidays.  For me, personally, almost my whole office

and a HUGE contingent of the guys from my base are deployed overseas right now.  Everyone of them voluntarily raised their right hand and swore to give up everything, up to and including their very lives, to protect their friends, family, and loved ones.  But, you know what else?  They are also there to protect YOUR friends, YOUR family, and YOUR loved ones.  And you didn’t have to even ask.  Most of you don’t even know anyone in the military, yet they are there, doing their job, for you.

Please take a moment and ask God to keep them all safe from harm, keep their families back here happy and safe, and to bring them home again.

May the Blessings of the Season be upon you and yours, may you have a wonderful, happy, and loving Christmas, and may God keep you all safe, happy, and healthy until we meet again.

 

Cheers,

Impish and Mrs. Dragon

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this [shall be] a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Good Morning Campers,

It’s been one of those weeks.  Really, really busy.  I haven’t opened my laptop since last week.  I’m afraid to look at this point.

1100+ emails!

Okay, so some of them are left overs….

I’ll never get caught up!

We need to laugh.

And laugh, and laugh and laugh!

Let’s do this!

 

I see they use the same radiologist that my doctor uses.

We’re going to continue with lots of seasonal comics.

Men look at a woman’s behind and think, “Wow!  What an ass!”
Women look at a man’s face and think the same thing.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After a while, he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.

He does this again and again. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius, absolutely incredible!”

“Genius, my ass – It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”

Only those who truly care about you can hear you when you’re quiet.

What is celibacy?  Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a marriage weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands an d wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men.  “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal – All Purpose, isn’t it?”

And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.  She told me, “Nothing would make me happier than some expensive jewelry.”

So, I bought her nothing.

I’m dreaming of a White Christmas…but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.

Your crazy is showing.  You might want to tuck that back in.

I wish I could still put videos in Dragon Laffs, but you’ll have to click on the link to see this special gift from Ginny and Paul

A special Christmas gift to you.

Click here

I gotta tell you, my brother, the Owl has a great work place.  He sent me this picture from work:

Ain’t that the coolest thing?

Fruitcake Recipe

1 cup water

1 cup sugar

4 large eggs

2 cups dried fruit

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup brown sugar

lemon juice

nuts

1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.

Pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer;

beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.

Turn off mixer.

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.

Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner

Throw the bowl out of the window

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

The Lysol commercial told me to disinfect the things I touch the most.

I have a feeling this is going to burn.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the LSD wears off and I realize I’m just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Wendy’s parking lot.

Another school shooting in Indiana.  What a horrible, horrible thing to have happen.  This time though, it was only the kid with the guns who got shot and killed, but there are so many unanswered questions.

This pisses me off on so many levels, but thankfully, law enforcement and school officials all did exactly the correct things.

All we know is that the school got a call from someone who saw something and said something.  Someone called the school and told them that someone was planning a violent act.  The officials locked down the school and called the police.  The police showed up just as an armed 14 year-old showed up at the school.  There was a confrontation at one of the doors, the kid shot the glass out of the door and gained entry to the school, but since all the rooms were locked down, he couldn’t get to anyone.

The cops followed him in the school, gun fire was exchanged.  But no one was hurt.  The 14 year-old then shot himself and died.

What sense does any of this make?

I really don’t know what else to say.

Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to stop me from beating one of my coworkers to death with a keyboard.

Caution: When someone says, “get a grip” apparently around their neck is NOT what they meant…who knew?

Thank goodness I don’t have to hunt for my own food.

I don’t even know where tacos live.

The girl called a sex therapist and said, “Remember when you told me the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I found a new route… Now I need some birth control pills.”
The doc asked, “What’s his occupation?”
The girl said, “Army.”
“Active or retired?”
“If he wasn’t active, I wouldn’t need these damn pills, would I?!”

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch!

Last year a young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His very first assignment, for the newspaper who hired him, was to write a human-interest story. He decided to go into the Ozark Mountains to do his research.
He found an old farmer’s house in an isolated section and introduced himself to the man. He then asked him, “Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?”
The old farmer thought for a moment and said, “Yep, one time a neighbour’s sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home.”
“I can’t print that!” the young reporter exclaimed. “Can you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?”
“Yep, one time a neighbour’s daughter got lost. We all formed a posse & found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home.”
“Hell, I can’t print that either!” cried the frustrated reporter. “Has anything ever happened that made you sad?”
The old farmer dropped his head and sit quietly for a few seconds.
Then he timidly replied, “Yep, I got lost once.”

We can’t end this issue without some motivationals…

And that’s it for today my friends.  May your weekend be Merry and Bright and may all your Christmas shopping be done.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon