Now you know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen.
But what do you recall
Of the most famous Dragon of all?

Impish the big nosed dragon,
Had a very impressive snout,
And if you ever saw it,
You would even give a shout!

All of the other dragons,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Impish,
Play in any dragon games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
”Impish, what in the hell are you doing hanging around in the kitchen!?
Don’t you know there’s a shit load of work to be done before we can leave tonight?
You gonna leave it all for me and the annoying little elves to take care of?
I can’t even count on Mrs. Claus since she ran away with that damn leprechaun friend of yours.  Now, stop hanging around here trying to eat one of my cooks and get your ass upstairs and get ready to drag that sled all over creation and drop off presents to all the brats out there!”

Then all the dragons laughed at him,
As they watched the dragon work,
Impish the big nosed dragon,
You’re such a fucking dork.

That whole bullshit story about some red glowing nosed reindeer named Rudolph was made up by Rankin and Bass to sell electric razors!  Dragons have been helping Santa deliver presents since there was a Santa.  But little kids tend to be afraid of big ole mean dragons so kind and gentle deer seemed a better way to go.

Bastards.  Giving us dragons a bad name.

So, let’s get this Christmas Issue started!

See!  Always getting the blame for stuff.

You only live once.  But, if you do it right, once is enough. ~ Mae West

When people text shit to me in CAPS, I be like u better lower yo mutha fuckin letters bitch.

I’m so poor, I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt.
When people say, “Oh you smell good, what is that?”
I say, “Page 14.”

Studies have shown the reason you may be awake right now is because you not asleep.

Apparently, it’s only appropriate to say, “Look at you!  You got so big!” to children.  Adults tend to get offended.

Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet.

Not only did I fall off the diet wagon, I dragged it into the woods, set it on fire, and used the insurance money to buy cupcakes.

If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin…
…and muffins are healthy.

Do you ever go into a room and forget what you went in there for?
Well, that’s how I lost my job as a fireman…

I’m on a wine diet.

So far I’ve lost three days.

If you can’t be the sharpest tool in the shed, you can always be the hoe.

Dear Santa…

Before I explain, how much do you know already?

You’ll laugh if you get it.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, “Toys not included.” ~ Bernard M

 

I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas…he washed my mouth out with soap.

Our family is just one tent away from a full-blown circus.

Dear Santa,

I’ve been good for the past week or so.  Let’s just focus on that!

Today’s Advice:

Sing Christmas songs at work until they send you home.

Here is one of the theories that I live by:

BE DECISIVE!
Right or wrong, get off the dime, and make a decision!
The road of life is paved with FLAT SQUIRRELS who couldn’t decide.

A man has been drinking all day at a bar. Late at night, he suddenly checks his clock.
“1:30 am, darn. I need to go home now or the wife’s going to kill me,” he says to the bartender.
But as he’s trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. “I’m just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up.”

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again he falls to the floor, this time even harder. At this point, he realizes this won’t work, but he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his(blissfully sleeping) wife and passes out.

The next morning his wife wakes him up, not kindly.
“So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?”

The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home, so he tries to play it cool: “Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn’t drink much… just a couple of beers.”
His wife starts nodding understandably: “Ah ha, makes sense.”

She starts to turn and then stops and turns back to him:
“Oh, by the way, the bar owner called this morning, you left your wheelchair there, idiot.”

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed.

He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. “There’s no charge,” he says.

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she say

“Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician says, “it cost nothing.

“You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

“I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

“Then it was just a matter of switching the heads.”

A man visits the local council for a job interview. During his interview, the interviewer asks him “Are you allergic to anything?” to which the man replies “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?”
“Yes,” he says. “I was in Iraq for one tour.”
The interviewer replies “That will give you 5 extra points towards employment.”

After this, he asks “Are you disabled in any way?”
The applicant says “Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.”
Upon hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and says “Sorry to hear that… Okay then. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am, and plan on starting at 10 am every day.”
The man says: “If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, I’ll come at a normal hour, I want to do my part.”

“You misunderstand.” Says the interviewer. “This is a government job, For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

You may think that was a funny joke, but in reality it’s very true.  All we do for the first two hours every day is drink coffee and scratch our balls.

I’ll tell you why I can’t lose weight…I’ve got metal fillings in my teeth and my refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen.

Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other little love notes like, “I considered smothering you with a pillow last night, but didn’t.”

They say, “do what you love and money will follow.”

So I ate cheesecake and drank wine…

Now I wait!

I FINALLY DID IT!
Bought a brand new pair of shoes with memory foam insoles.  No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.

Okay, that’s just too creepy.

You’re welcome!

We gotta have some Christmas Motivationals!!!!!!!!!!

 

To all of you, my dear and loyal friends, fellow travelers on the road to laughing the world’s Bull Shit away, I hope you enjoyed this SUPER large and SUPER special Christmas issue.  I’m not sure how next week will work out, but I will try my very best to have a huge New Year’s issue next Saturday.

I do have plans with my family over the next week, as should each of you!  I hope that each of you have time to do the same.

I do have one request for each of you.  Some time between now and Christmas, please take a minute to think about our troops who cannot be home for the Christmas and New Year’s holidays.  For me, personally, almost my whole office

and a HUGE contingent of the guys from my base are deployed overseas right now.  Everyone of them voluntarily raised their right hand and swore to give up everything, up to and including their very lives, to protect their friends, family, and loved ones.  But, you know what else?  They are also there to protect YOUR friends, YOUR family, and YOUR loved ones.  And you didn’t have to even ask.  Most of you don’t even know anyone in the military, yet they are there, doing their job, for you.

Please take a moment and ask God to keep them all safe from harm, keep their families back here happy and safe, and to bring them home again.

May the Blessings of the Season be upon you and yours, may you have a wonderful, happy, and loving Christmas, and may God keep you all safe, happy, and healthy until we meet again.

 

Cheers,

Impish and Mrs. Dragon

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this [shall be] a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.