I’m sorry.  Ran out of time this week, so no witty opening and just a short issue today.

Hey!  Wait a damn minute!

While I was out shopping today I tripped in the store.  A woman saw this and wouldn’t stop staring so I smiled at her and said, “Sorry, but it’s been a while since I possessed a body.”  She looked horrified.

I’m not sure if you’ll be able to read this, you might try copying it and enlarging it, but it is a GREAT essay!  All parents should pay attention.

I heard this on the radio the other day and had to share:

10 Foods that make us the happiest:
Chocolate
Pizza
Fried Foods
Steak
Burgers
Spicy Foods
Ice Cream
Brownies
Cheese
Pasta

Of course…in no particular order.

I had an interesting New Year’s Eve.  I went line dancing that night…well, it was a roadside sobriety test … same thing.

I have CDO.  It’s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be!

Walmart is closing 269 stores in 2019 putting 14 cashiers out of work.

Life should be more like hockey.  When someone pisses you off, you just beat the shit out of them and then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.

To everyone that received a book from me for Christmas, they’re due back at the library next Friday.

Thank you.

I don’t understand why people say hurtful things like “Want to go for a run?” Or “Try this kale.”

I’m not self-medicating with chocolate.  The lady at the shop wrote me a prescription… well, she called it a receipt.  Whatever.

I replaced my litter box with a FedX box, now when it’s full, I just tape it shut and put it on my porch for someone to steal.

When I dunk my cookies in milk I think of you.

And hold them under until the bubbles stop.

If you weight 200 pounds on Earth, you’ll only be 76 pounds on Mars.

You’re not overweight, you’re just on the wrong planet.

Let’s do some Motivationals!!!!!!!!

I’m not sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces every now and then and causes lots and lots of problems.

My chemistry tutor at school asked my class to write 1000 words on acid.  Unfortunately, I was unable to complete the assignment as my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

Something to ponder…

The United States has become a place where entertainers and professional athletes are mistaken for people of importance…

I’ve needed a Doctor.

I’ve needed a Teacher.

I NEED farmers every day.

I have NEEDED an auto mechanic, a plumber, a house painter, and a lot of other everyday people.

But I have NEVER, not even ONCE, NEVER NEEDED a pro athlete, a media personality, or a Hollywood entertainer for ANYTHING!

And I most especially have NEVER NEEDED their FUCKING OPINION on ANYTHING!

Finally, a good Trump joke.

The President is walking out of the White House and heading towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!”  This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout, ‘Mickey Mouse’?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous.  I meant to shout… ‘Donald, duck’!”

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.

“No, they went to town.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!”.

The boy thought for a moment, then said, “You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $50 for the bulls and $15 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

That’s it my friends.  Until next week.