Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

So, after the hell last week of working killer shifts all weekend and the exercise and everything else, and Monday I finally got back to my own office and I walked in the door and my office was 55 F degrees!  And the F stands for Friggin’!

The worst part is that I work for Civil Engineering!  The guys that fix the heat for the whole base!  What the hell is up with that!  I mean, really!

And then, on Wednesday, I’m in this new Supervisors class, one day a week, I have an online seminar (a webinar) that lasts an hour and a half.  Now, keep that in mind, as I give you this little tidbit.  I’d be willing to bet, that the United States Air Force is the most technologically advanced military service in the world.  Okay, now back to the story, so I have to sign in to Adobe Connect to view and participate in this webinar.  I have four different ways to do that from my technologically advanced laptop at work.

None of them worked.

Three different web browsers and a program.

None

Of

Them

Worked!!!!!

So I grab my personal iPad, with crappy telephone connection, download an app, and within three minutes I was in the webinar…on my personal iPad….advanced technology my ass!

So with that little update, what do you say we start up the laffs!

I know a couple of people who could have done this.

I’m not saying Mississippi weather is crazy, but I just watched a mosquito, wearing a sweater, snort a line of pollen off the hood of my car.

I probably know this guy, too.

Last night, my neighbor came home drunk and banged on his own door for like five minutes.  The problem is, he lives alone.

So, I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left.

People need to understand the difference between want and need.  For example:

I want ABS,
But I need PIZZA.

Wife: “Don’t just assume that when I’m angry, I’m on my period.  Otherwise, when you’re sleeping, I’ll just “assume” you’re dead and bury you in my backyard.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.

Bread is like the sun…it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

I was sitting in my truck at Walmart watching this guy who apparently forgot where he parked.  He kept putting his remote in the air and every time he squeezed it … I honked my horn.

Join the 3 days challenge!
”NO ALCOHOL”
Feb 29, 30, & 31

Income tax: the fine you pay for being productive

Welfare: the reward you get for being unproductive

Only Italians understand that, “How you doin’?” is just a greeting, not a question.  Nobody really gives a shit how you’re doing.

Can one survive on Girl Scout Cookies?

(Asking for a friend)

“When you stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look in your eyes?”

“Ma’am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please.”

So, today is Friday, and I was expecting a ton of snow.  The weather people promised me a ton of snow, the weather guy at work promised me a ton of snow, and did I get a ton of snow?

No!

Now I’m hugely disappointed.

You don’t like dragons when they are disappointed.

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile – Then you walk in to a pole.

Hey!  Don’t forget Saturday night/Sunday morning it’s time to change your clocks.  At one am, like magic, it suddenly becomes two am.

Okay, that’s all the reminder you’re going to get.

The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money.

We have a Booker, a Hooker, and an Indian running for President.  We are one Cowboy short of the Village People.

Dear Diet,
Things just aren’t going to work out between us.  It’s not me, it’s you.  You are tasteless, boring and I can’t stop cheating on you.

Laughing is the best medicine.  But, if you’re laughing for no reason, you may need medicine.

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years-old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little “tea set” as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.  Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of “tea”, which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy team, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was “just the cutest thing!”

My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.

The she says, (as only a mother would know…), “Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?”

It just wouldn’t be an issue without some of these…

And that’s it for today my friends.

Until next week.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

I’m sorry but there won’t be an issue this week. The good news is that it’s not because of another death or medical emergency in my family, and I won’t make any jokes about that for fear of tempting fate (and it’s in really bad taste).

But, the bad news is that I’ll be working crazy 15 hour shifts between now and Monday.

The good news is that’s some crazy overtime pay!

The bad news is it’s liable to friggin’ kill me!

Oh damn! There’s that joke in bad taste right there!

Shit!

Forget I said that last bit.

Cheers my friends!

Until we meet again!

Good Morning Campers,

Very busy week this week so no real lead in.  Let’s just get to it.

There once was a farmer whose wife had died and left him with three beautiful teenage daughters. Every weekend, when they went out on dates, the farmer would stand at the door with his shotgun, making it clear to their dates he wanted no trouble from them.

Another Saturday night came around. At about 7 pm., there was a knock on the door. He answered and the young man said,

“Hi, my name’s Joe. I’m here for Flo. I’m taking her to the show. Is she ready to go?”

The farmer thought he was a clever boy and wished them a good time.

A few minutes later, another knock was heard. A second boy appeared and said,

“Hi, I’m Eddie. I’m here for Betty. I’m taking her for spaghetti. I hope she’s ready.”

He thought that he must know Joe, but bade them off as well with his best wishes.

A few minutes after that, a third knock was heard.

“Hi, I’m Chuck…”

 

Tax return submitted by a New Jersey citizen.

The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to question 23: “Do you have anyone dependent on you?”, the man wrote: “2.1 million illegal immigrants,1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Washington, and the entire group that call themselves politicians”.

On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an arrow and the words: “Your response to question 23 is unacceptable.”

The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the Post It Note: “Who did I leave out?”

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked little 3 year-old Kathleen to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.  When little Connor was born, the paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom and he began to cry.

The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3 year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!”

I promised myself I’d do things differently today, so I’m sitting at the other end of my couch.

Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals.
The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband’s safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, “Sam, Sam — are you up there? Did you make it okay?”
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam’s hearty voice echoed down, “Yes, I made it up here just fine!”

I don’t have any bad habits.

I’m good at all of them.

I’d prefer a job where I am politely ignored and left to my own devices…with unlimited internet access, cupcakes, and coffee.

In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm ‘Brut’, people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Chicago’s inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn’t been to prison yet.

Sort of brings a tear to your eye.

This next one was sent to me by the Whelpling…

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you?  I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

Got arrested last night…

I guess in hindsight, getting drunk and running through Arby’s –nude – yelling, “I HAVE THE MEAT!” was a bad idea.

Semper Fi! Brother!

When marijuana is legalized all taxes on it should go to road repairs and the program should be called “Operation Pot Holes.”

The good news is: I’ve made it to my Golden Years!

The bad news is: There ain’t no gold…

We all love animals…right?

I like to play this game called nap roulette.  It’s where I take a nap but don’t set an alarm.

Will it be a 30 minute nap?  Will it be a 3 hour nap?  Will I wake up tomorrow?

Nobody knows.

But it’s risky.

And I LIKE IT!

Me: (Sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) I can’t see you anymore!  I am NOT going to let you hurt me like this again!

Trainer: It was a sit up.  You did one sit up.

And with that cheerful thought, that’s the end of the laffs for this week.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

So…yeah…all of that happened. 

And it hasn’t been easy.  But, as my friend Erin says, “That’s pretty normal.”  Yup, that’s me….pretty normal.

Not friggin’ likely!

But………

In this, yeah. 

And I have to tell you all that I am so very grateful to all of you for the outpouring of love that I received.  It made all the difference in the world. I’m not sure I’d even be as well off as I’m am…or not…without you guys.  Thank you all so very much.

One thing being off line has caused me though is…glancing over at my inbox, I have 1579 unread emails!  Holy crap!  So, it’s gonna take me a little while to get through those!  But, that’s also okay.  It means lots of laughs for you guys.

Now!

We missed a special day this last week!  Tuesday was Momma Diaman’s Birthday!!!  Happy (Belated) Birthday, Mom!

Hope you had a great day! 

Everybody send an email to Diaman and tell her happy birthday!  No….sadly, I can’t give you her email, that goes against our privacy policy…or at least my own personal privacy policy.

Okay…….next, let get to some of those laffs that we ALL need right now!

The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was SIN, and he was most certainly ‘against’ sin.
A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front, and sat down.
It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his audience to this voluptuous sex-object.
He shook a fist at her and said, “You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts and not good thoughts. But I am a man of God! You don’t affect me, and right now up in Heaven, you fallen woman. Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!!”

Tryouts for the U.S. Olympic women’s marathon swim team were to be held.. The first was in California; a swim from Santa Monica to Catalina Island doing only the breaststroke.
Three women signed up for the tryouts: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
The race started, and after approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the winner. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled ashore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete this regulation breaststroke race, she replied, “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.”

I can drive a woman wild with my tongue!
It’s pretty easy…
All you do is say, “Have you put on weight?”

 

The next thing we need to talk about is this past Thursday was Valentine’s Day!  And since you guys are all my favorite Valentines…

And now…because of course, we can’t just leave it at that…

Okay…and back to our regularly scheduled program…

Bob’s wife, Mary, and Bob started a diet a week ago.

Mary suggested that they should have a cheat day, today.

Mary brought home McDonald’s burgers, KFC wings, and Bob brought home his secretary.

From his hospital bed, Bob is now wondering when men will ever begin to understand women.

No similarity between Mr. and Mrs. Dragon is suggested or implied.

Once again, no similarity between Mr. or Mrs. Dragon is suggested or implied.

Okay, this next one is horrible and I apologize immensely….but I just couldn’t help myself.

A girl sneezed in the pub and her glass eye flew out and landed in my hand.  I took it back to her and we got chatting.

After a few beers, I took her home and shagged her.

Wondering if she was a bit of a slapper, I asked her, “Do you shag everyone on a first date?”

She said, “No, only those that catch my eye…”

So, like I said…sorry.

I was in psychology class yesterday…

and we couldn’t stop laughing about how stupid Pavlov’s dogs were.  Then the bell rang and we all had lunch.

Hey!  How about a bunch of animal funnies?  What was it we called those?????

My doctor asked me if I ever had a stress test?  “Yes,” I replied.  “It’s called life.”

I’m putting myself in a ‘time out’ until I’m able to play nice with others…This could take a while!

Work?
Really?
Again?
Didn’t I just do that yesterday?

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.  The first surgeon said, “Electricians are the best.  Everything inside is color coded.”

The second surgeon says, “No.  I think librarians are the best.  Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The third surgeon shut them both up when he said, “You’re all wrong.  Politicians are the easiest to operate on.  There’s no guts, no heart, no brain, and no spine.  Plus the head and the ass are interchangeable!”

I’m so offended when my body decides to be sick!

I gave you a vegetable last week!  How dare you!

Okay, we’ll do some motivationals and call it an issue.

Not sure ingenuity is the word I’d use…

My uncle just texted me asking what does IDK mean. 

I said I don’t know…

He said damn!  Nobody does!

Being kissed while you’re asleep is one of the most purest forms of love…

Unless you are in prison.

That’s it dear friends.  I hope you enjoyed and until we meet again.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

 

 

Rest in Peace my dear ones.

I’m sorry, but there’s not going to be an issue this week…

Again…

I lost my brother on Saturday. I thought I would be together enough to put an issue out, but I’m not.

I guess it is bound to happen as you get older that you lose loved ones, but this is not right. He was only 52 years old and he died accidentally. So, it was completely unexpected.

What a crappy year this is turning out to be.

I apologize my friends, but let’s try again next week.

My love to you all.