Good Morning Campers,
Very busy week this week so no real lead in. Let’s just get to it.
There once was a farmer whose wife had died and left him with three beautiful teenage daughters. Every weekend, when they went out on dates, the farmer would stand at the door with his shotgun, making it clear to their dates he wanted no trouble from them.
Another Saturday night came around. At about 7 pm., there was a knock on the door. He answered and the young man said,
“Hi, my name’s Joe. I’m here for Flo. I’m taking her to the show. Is she ready to go?”
The farmer thought he was a clever boy and wished them a good time.
A few minutes later, another knock was heard. A second boy appeared and said,
“Hi, I’m Eddie. I’m here for Betty. I’m taking her for spaghetti. I hope she’s ready.”
He thought that he must know Joe, but bade them off as well with his best wishes.
A few minutes after that, a third knock was heard.
“Hi, I’m Chuck…”
Tax return submitted by a New Jersey citizen.
The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to question 23: “Do you have anyone dependent on you?”, the man wrote: “2.1 million illegal immigrants,1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Washington, and the entire group that call themselves politicians”.
On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an arrow and the words: “Your response to question 23 is unacceptable.”
The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the Post It Note: “Who did I leave out?”
Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked little 3 year-old Kathleen to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. When little Connor was born, the paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom and he began to cry.
The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3 year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!”
I promised myself I’d do things differently today, so I’m sitting at the other end of my couch.
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals.
The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband’s safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, “Sam, Sam — are you up there? Did you make it okay?”
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam’s hearty voice echoed down, “Yes, I made it up here just fine!”
I don’t have any bad habits.
I’m good at all of them.
I’d prefer a job where I am politely ignored and left to my own devices…with unlimited internet access, cupcakes, and coffee.
In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm ‘Brut’, people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, 86% of Chicago’s inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn’t been to prison yet.
Sort of brings a tear to your eye.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Got arrested last night…
I guess in hindsight, getting drunk and running through Arby’s –nude – yelling, “I HAVE THE MEAT!” was a bad idea.
Semper Fi! Brother!
When marijuana is legalized all taxes on it should go to road repairs and the program should be called “Operation Pot Holes.”
The good news is: I’ve made it to my Golden Years!
The bad news is: There ain’t no gold…
We all love animals…right?
I like to play this game called nap roulette. It’s where I take a nap but don’t set an alarm.
Will it be a 30 minute nap? Will it be a 3 hour nap? Will I wake up tomorrow?
But it’s risky.
And I LIKE IT!
Me: (Sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) I can’t see you anymore! I am NOT going to let you hurt me like this again!
Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.
And with that cheerful thought, that’s the end of the laffs for this week.