Good Morning Campers,

What a LONG weekend it’s been.  I sure have missed you guys.  Haven’t had time to even lift the lid on my laptop much less look at any emails or comments or anything.  I’m actually excited about getting back to you guys.  But I am so far behind in so many other things it’s not funny.  I didn’t realize how my life was laid out in such straight lines since this whole stay at home thing went into effect and now that I went in and worked the weekend for the first time since March, not only did it throw me completely out of whack, but it beat me to death, too.  I can definitely tell that it has been a while since I’ve stood on my feet for 8 hours and taught class.  Holy crap I feel like someone’s taken a baseball bat to my legs and back. 

And I didn’t get to mow the lawn over the weekend like I normally do, which means I need to fit that in somewhere soon…oh dear…it’s going to be a busy week for this little blue dragon.

But on a good note, our little protest went off on Saturday with nary a hitch.  Just about everybody played nicely.  We had one or two arrests.  Not from any protesters, but from what I understand from people protesting the protesters.  So, all is well that ends well.

And now I think it’s a good time to get around to battling some of that bullshit with laughter … don’t you agree?

I don’t know if I believe in “String Theory” or Knot.

No kidding!  Me t… What were we talking about?

Okay, this was quite cool.  How old are your reactions. 

https://www.justpark.com/creative/reaction-time-test/

You are in a car and when you see a stop sign you are supposed to hit any button and it tells you how old you are by your reactions.  The best I could do when I was using the mouse button was 25 years old.  But when I switched over to the space bar, it told me I wasn’t human.  My reactions were faster than than an 18 year old, which is the lowest they go.  Dragon Speed baby!  266 milliseconds was my best.  Just to give you guys something to shoot at.

Why does everyone force introverts to be talkative and leave their comfort zone, but no one forces the extroverts to shut up, even for a minute, to make the zone comfortable?

My son asked me, “Where does poo come from?”  I was a little uncomfortable, but gave him an honest explanation.  He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

And now, you too can play 2020 Disaster BINGO at home!  Through the magic of modern technology, all you have to do is right click the image below, hit your print button and your computer will print a randomly generated 2020 Disaster BINGO card from your own computer!*  That’s right kids, your own playing piece!  And now you, too can have all the fun and win all the prizes associated with these unprecedented times!  Just get a row across, up and down or diagonally!  And then flip the card over, scratch off the special square on the back and see what you’ve won!  Will it be a Fifteen minute free looting spree!  Your own AR-15 assault rifle!  Or maybe even the grand prize … Dinner with George Soros – the mastermind behind the whole 2020 Disaster Plan!  Good Luck and get playing!

*I’m friggin’ kidding!  Right clicking isn’t going to do anything!

Okay, on a more serious note… we’re going to try and help out one of our fellow campers.  Stephanie sent me the following email.  And seriously … and I mean this, I DON’T WANT ANY OF YOU TO JUDGE HER!  It’s hard enough on all of us right now, okay?

Well the Covid19 pandemic has finally affected me financially. In order to offset the extra cost for food,electricity,house payment etc ….. I’m needing to make some extra money  on the side.

So…

I am now proud to announce that I am selling Adult toys….I hope no one will be embarrassed to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs. Discretion is guaranteed!!

I am more than willing and able to demonstrate any items for … Ask for yours anytime. I have everything listed below.

-Walkers

-wheelchairs

-oxygen tanks

-canes

-disposable diapers

-teeth glue

-heating pads

and more!

I’ve known Stephanie for many years, and I can vouch for her discretion, so if anyone would like her contact info, just let me know…

I got this email the other day from a guy named Joe L with the subject line of “Very upset!” and I thought … oh crap!  Who’ve I pissed off this time.  Because, believe it or not, it has happened once or twice – okay maybe more – and I’ve been just a tad more controversial lately.  So I opened the email and this is what I got:

Impish Dragon (Not sure how to address you)  Okay, it starts off nice enough.  Normally you can address me as Impish, Impish Dragon … I don’t usually care for Mr. Dragon (that’s usually reserved for my Dad) ( who, by the way, is also known as Papa Dragon most Senior), Oh Great and Powerful Blue One works, but no one hardly ever calls me that, Hey You … anyway, you get the idea

I am a new subscriber and very upset because I only found your TRULY GREAT ezine, mailing or whatever, a couple of weeks ago. Without a doubt you are the BEST! I’ve lost out on months, years or __________ until I accidentally found a link. I enjoy (and agree with) your comments and love your humor.  Oh well hey!  Isn’t that nice!  Wow, Joe!  What a truly wonderful and marvelous thing to say!  Thank you ever so much!  In all honesty, it is letters like that, that make this whole gig worthwhile.

Thank you for your excellent work!

…Joe in Southern NJ

Beesley’s Point is so small we don’t have a town drunk. We have to take turns.

And actually, I had to look Beesley’s Point up on Google Maps and I wrote back to Joe separately and we’ve talked a couple of times and I told him that as close to Atlantic City and Cape May as Beesley’s Point is, I’ve probably been drunk there a few times.  Hey Marsha, you ever hear of Beesley’s Point?  You’re from that neck of the woods?

Well, and then Joe wrote back to me and said:

Beesley’s Point doesn’t show up on a lot of maps.

We’re the extreme northern tip of Cape May County.

You must have supplied your own refreshment because Ocean City is a dry town. Exceptions are private clubs and personal supplies.

You have ‘the feel’ for real humor. That gift is not shared by everyone.

Thanks again,

…Joe in NJ

  And I think my reply was something to the effect of that I could have started out drunk and gotten there on my own.  But, this was back in the late 70s and I was just a teenager – the drinking age back then was 18, therefore most of us started when we were 16, but Joe was so complimentary that I just had to share it with the rest of you.  Thanks Joe.  You made my day brother Jerseyite. 

My Dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

Oregon has Ok’d marijuana curbside delivery …

You pull up, a guy hands you a bag of weed through the window and you hand him cash.

Just like the good old days!

Husband:  I want you to have this bracelet.  It belonged to my Grandmother.

Wife:  Why does it say “Do Not Resuscitate”?

I almost didn’t include this one because of how controversial the topic is, but without going into the topic itself, isn’t this just a tad fucking hypocritical to you dumbasses?  You can’t have it both ways!

Deep breaths Impish, deep breaths — No rants!

Salads don’t kill people.

People who eat salads kill people.

Drink beer.

Too soon?  I think it’s too soon. 

Really, is it too soon?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Baltimore, Maryland, where bozo George White broke into a home with the intent of quickly finding anything of value and quickly getting out. Unfortunately his plan went awry when he came into the large video room of the house and found a big screen TV with a new Nintendo game system hooked up to it. Our bozo paused to play a quick game and before you knew it, he was totally enthralled in the game. So enthralled, he lost all track of time. In the meantime, the neighbors, who knew the homeowners were supposed to be on vacation, called police to report some suspicious activity. Bozo was still trying to conquer Super Mario World when police arrived.

Yeah, that’s pretty damn dumb.

Yeah … we have to laugh at ourselves.

I’m not really a control freak

BUT …

can I show you the right way to do that?

Really?  Your sure it’s not too soon?  Okay, if we can’t laugh … yeah, you know the rest.

If I skip dessert due to a coronary condition, have I “put the heart before the course”?

Okay, that’s just bad all the way around!!

A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.  His wife protests, “Why the same color, people will think I don’t change my panties.”

Husband replies, “Which people?”

So my wife walked out on me after I spent our life savings on a penis extension … she said she just couldn’t take it any longer!

Say what you will about women, but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument is a heck of a talent.

Dear Men ~ If you’re going to watch porn, at least learn something form it!

Sincerely, Unsatisfied women everywhere.

Always a plus…

Don’t use a big word when a singularly un-loquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

For the same reason I grew up to be an old man … it just fucking happened!

I know, I just keep going on and on.  But, part of me just doesn’t want to stop…but I really need to.  I got stuff to do!  So, I guess I’m gonna have to call it quits right here.  So, until tomorrow.  Dang … I didn’t even get to the mail or nothin’ Oh well, I guess we’ll get that tomorrow.

Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Okay, I’ve had enough.  Enough with the protests, enough with the bullshit.  Put it all away and just stop!  What the four cops did was wrong.  They’ve been arrested.  End of story.  But what George Floyd did was wrong, too.  Not wrong enough to be killed for, but everyone is making this dude out to be a Saint!  I’m looking at my email and I see this headline from one of the news sources that I subscribe to “Hundreds Gather at Memorial for George Floyd After Days of Nationwide Protests” and “The Rev. Al Sharpton will give the eulogy at Thursday’s memorial for George Floyd in Minneapolis.”  And I can just imagine how THAT went.  It’s all democratic political bullshit!  Designed to incite people.  George Floyd was a career criminal, in and out of jail multiple times who once held a gun on a pregnant lady’s stomach, in her own home, while he and his buddy’s robbed her!  This was not a good man.  No, he didn’t deserve to die the way he did, but the cops who did it have been arrested.  NOW LET IT THE FUCK GO!

Okay, I’m done. 

Hey, that was pretty short this morning. 

You know, I get up every morning and my government email is filled with messages from the over night alerts about what’s been going on.  Flash alerts.  4 people shot over here; 3 cops hurt over there; earthquakes; explosions; stuff like that.  And of course lately, it’s been a lot of protest stuff.  So, as I’m getting ready in the morning, especially working from home, I’m reviewing the “overnights” and it tends to get me pissed off first thing in the morning.  And even when I’m not working from home, the alerts come across the email on my government phone and it works out the same anyway.  But, starting out your day being pissed off every morning is probably not the best way to go about things.  Is it any wonder that I come to the campgr0und so many times complaining of a headache, lol?  and you guys thought that was all part of the shtick.

So, when I get up in the morning and find that I only have a couple of messages that says that Utah got hit with a couple of 4.2 earthquakes over night, then it’s been a good morning (Sorry Leah) (and yes, I get a surprising number of messages about earthquakes around the world … I don’t know why).  Anyway, lately it’s all be protest related and it’s been stressing me out and pissing me off and I’ll try really hard not to rant any more.

Yeah … like THAT’S gonna happen.

 

Must be an epidemic …

Thanks to Lynn for this next one … it’s really quite cool!

A farmer had a very large metal pole shed that he no longer
wanted. The Amish Family next door said they wanted it. 

How will you move it was asked. 

They replied that some of their friends would help them carry it to his property about 800 yards away. 

Who would have thought that 250 friends would show up?   See attached video.
https://youtu.be/hZL7TqSeDus

Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag?

Me: No thank you. It’s too hard to pour.

My daughter: (rolls eyes, shakes her head)

If Antifa does start coming to suburbia or rural areas like they claim, does anyone know what the bag limit will be?

 

 

When Bob found out he was to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.  So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away.  “I may  look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.  Three days later, she became his stepmother.

AMEN!

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press one?”

So I did.

I don’t remember much after that.

Those SpaceX guys aren’t due back for a while.  Plenty of time for everyone to buy a gorilla suit and learn to ride a horse.

That is an AWESOME prank!

But!  But!  Santa!

Okay, so someone took some time with this one …

Some days I just don’t have enough middle fingers to go around.

Okay, so while we’re waiting on other stuff, let’s do some of this stuff … I know that doesn’t make any sense to y’all, but it makes perfect sense to me …

This first one is from Danny M. …

Danny

I have subscribed to other humor sites in the past but none compare to yours–not even close. I deeply appreciate the humor you provide. There’s now only one other humor page that I follow now but it is still far short of what we get here.

Wow!  Danny, that means a lot brother.  Truly it does.  Thanks, thanks a lot.  It gets me right here.  You can’t see me, but I’m pounding myself on my chest and Mrs. Dragon is giving me very odd looks, but I’m used to that and she’s used to that.  That’s what being an old married couple … no sweetheart, I’m not saying you’re old (oh shit!  Someone please help get me out of this!)  Um… Moving on now!!!!

Marsha M

Just a tidy bit of info…I heard 1 of the protesting Rectal Orrivis say they plan to continue till the 4 police officers are sentenced. Sure hope they stick to their work ethic on that.

Hi ya Nursey Jersey Girl!  Yeah, as we’ve already determined, I’m done with the whole protesting –> Rioting –> Looting –> Bullshit thing going on.  For them to say that they are going to continue until they 4 are sentenced … well … I can’t see America putting up with that shit for that long.

Maybe …

Okay campers!  YOU HAVE GOT TO WATCH THIS LADY SPEAK!!!!!!

https://www.bizpacreview.com/2020/06/04/candace-owens-lights-social-media-ablaze-with-hard-hitting-confession-on-george-floyd-tragedy-929748?fbclid=IwAR1zHRjMiUCp1PhpSB0s0uzrSALLWgBzYEZfmcsn1TxjLEHEkCo9ih8eSVY

Candace Owens is a conservative black lady who speaks the truth.  She said it so much better (and so much more eloquently) than I ever could.  Please, if you don’t click on anything else that I have ever put in Dragon Laffs, please click on the link above.

And thank you so very much to Trish for sending me the link.  I watched this on someone else’s phone last night and have been searching for it and out of the blue, Trish sent it to me.  Bless you Trish!!

And I think that is a very good place to end today.  I hope that gave you all something to think about.  That should give us all something to think about.

Cheers! ~~ Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

While I’m thinking about it, let me get the timetable for this weekend straight.  Today is Thursday for me so your getting this on Friday.  I’m working Saturday teaching class all day and there is the big protest in my little town so you won’t get an issue on Sunday.  I’m working Sunday teaching class all day so you won’t get an issue on Monday.  So, after your issue on Saturday, you won’t get an issue again until Tuesday where I’ll catch you up on everything that happens over the weekend.  So, to recap, you’ll get an issue on Friday, Saturday, and then Tuesday.  Got it?  Good.  I just don’t want you guys to think I’ve fallen off the earth or got swallowed up by our protest on Saturday.  Heck, I won’t even be there.  I’ll be out on the base teaching class and celebrating the retirement of my group commander.  Although I’d LOVE to be there, just to see what’s going on.  But I know I’d just be in the way.  You know, it’s tough to ignore a big blue dragon, hanging out on a street corner … you tend to be the center of attention.  Even in my smaller, human sized form, I still tend to stand out.  And if I go in my strictly human form, as an old white guy, I’d still stand out at a black lives matter protest, so yeah, I’ll stay away. 

And speaking of such things, I was happy to hear that they charged the other three cops and upgraded the original cop to murder two.  I don’t know if it will stick or what the final outcome will be, but it needed to happen. 

But, I will tell you something that did piss me off.  Drew Brees stood up and said that he will NEVER kneel during the playing of the National Anthem.  And he got attacked by other sports figures across the nation.  Drew Brees said, “I will never agree with anybody disrespecting the flag of the United States of America or our country.” and I agree with him.  And I guess that many other sports figures said he was wrong and point to this whole thing with George Floyd as proof that what was going on with the kneeling was right.  And like I tried to explain to Izzy Dragon the other night, everyone has the right to protest.  And if those players wanted to take time out and go out on the field and kneel at any other time of the game then I would back them 100%.  But not EVER during the playing of the National Anthem.  Too many men and women died for those colors and for that song so that we could live free in these United States today.  So that you could have the freedom to protest whatever you want, today.  Too many of my friends have died for that flag.  You don’t EVER do anything but stand and show respect during the playing of that song.  You can protest ANY other time.  OUR country as a nation always comes first.    And I am really not being as eloquent as I normally am, but it pissed me off when I saw how many other notable sports figures jumped Drew Brees’ ass over this.  And I just wanted to say that, Drew – Impish Dragon has your back!  NEVER, EVER during the playing of the National Anthem!

And now, let’s laugh.

Yup, looks like a mind is slowly going over the edge … kinda corny really.

Got this email from Steve in Prescott, AZ.  Thanks for sharing Steve!!! 

The Protest in Prescott was very peaceful the past two nights. It may have something to do with the open carry law here in Yavapai County. Here is the commentary.

And the protesters were outnumbered 3-1 by concerned citizens

 

Thank You to Citizens support our police and downtown businesses. Last night a group of citizens decided enough is enough and wanted to support our police and downtown businesses in case rioting broke out during the Courthouse Square protest for the memory of George Floyd. While none of us condone the use of excessive force in making arrests or the behavior of rogue officers, we also cannot allow Anarchy and rioting to come to Prescott. This group of citizens staged to protect Whiskey Row when we had heard that Antifa was on their way from Verde to Prescott to cause problems. Downtown business owners were encouraged to close early.

 

That works for me!  Happy cheerful looking bunch, too.  Looks like the kind of folks who are gonna battle the world’s bullshit with laughter (or gunfire, either/or).  No seriously, I’ll bet these folks watched happily as those protestors marched up and down the Courthouse Square and it was one of the most peaceful demonstrations across the country. 

That’s the kind of story that we’re looking for … well … we’re looking for all kinds of stories, but you know what I mean.  Anybody else got anything from their ends of the world?

I guess I haven’t put it out for a few day, but you can always reach me at impishdragon@gmail.com. 

Thanks again, Steve!

Buddha:  Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Me taking notes:  Buddha says to make sure you give the poison to the OTHER guy

I can’t take credit for this next idea … it’s from Leah … and I’m not sure if she’s just sending it along or if it’s hers, but it’s a pretty good one.

Wanna stop the Riots?

Mobilize the septic tank trucks, put a pressure cannon on em… hose em down…. the end.

I’m pretty sure that would do it.

 

 

If this would work ….

Due to COVID-19, we’re gonna need people to riot from home and destroy your own shit.

If I ever go missing, please follow my kids.  They can find me, no matter where I try to hide.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ann Arbor, Michigan where 18 year old bozo Randy Hogan stole a car containing a cellular phone. When the police arrived to investigate, a female officer asked for the phone number. She dialed it, and sure enough the bozo answered. The officer pretended to be a lonely acquaintance of the phone’s owner and before the bozo knew what was going on, he was arranging to meet his mystery caller for a date. Not only did the bozo show up at the appointed location ready for the date, he showed up in the stolen car, carrying the stolen phone. His next date is with the judge.

Okay, there’s a special kind of stupid for you.

That is an awesome question and an a great way to hold companies accountable.  It would be awesome if they knew NOW that we were going to hold them accountable THEN!

Okay, let’s do another one, real quick …

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chattanooga, Tennessee where bozo Clint Wolford was only a month away from being released from jail. Now, he’s looking at at least another four years in the slammer. Why? The bozo was supposed to be in a work release program, where he held down a job during the day and returned to jail at night. Only instead of working, he was leaving jail and heading to the golf course. He was caught when his judge ran into him on the course.

Haven’t we all been where we weren’t supposed to be or with someone we weren’t supposed to be with and worried about being caught?  But this is just a little over the top!

Yup, that’d be the one.

Yeah, that’s gonna leave a mark.

Let’s do some mail…

We’ll start off with two of my favorite people in the whole world…all wrapped up into one.  A Jersey girl who’s also a nurse!

Marsha M

We Jersey girls do not wait to be picked up. We wait for someone worthy of our time! Oh that is often a long wait…cant live with momma…must have a FULL time job…own a car that runs…..see we often wait usually the 2 or 3 out there are in the service or already married.

It’s a real problem.  There ain’t many of us good ones out there. Sorry ladies.

Don G

Like you I once took an oath, and it pisses me off that a few asshats are taking advantage of peaceful protests to loot and cause chaos.. I’m not sure that military force is necessary but something needs to be done to rein in those miscreants.

I agree Donnie G.  I’m not sure what the right answer is, but I know we haven’t found it yet or this would all be over.  My wife and family will be home while I’m at work for this weekend’s protest … all I can say is that they don’t want to feel the wrath of the dragon should anything untoward happen to my family while I’m gone.

Leah D.

As far as I know, no one has announced an end to this protesting. I get the feeling it will go on through the week, and the weekend? I’m just hoping it isn’t slated to end with a huge Fireworks display!
I believe the reason the protests have remained calm in Salt Lake City, is because of the Extreme Show of Force (it was exhilarating!) the first day when they burned two cars. They have already identified and arrested, one of the punks that lit up the cop car.
They opened the State Parks, which is responsible for the South West corner of Utah ending up a Covid Hotspot. Our numbers began climbing then, and since Memorial Day, have continued going up. Meanwhile, they started moving most everyone to Orange, and now practically all of the State is Yellow, and the numbers kept climbing. Then the protests . . .
Everyone “out there” is telling me virtually no one is wearing Masks, practicing Social Distancing. I hear Walmart is no where as busy as they were before the let the Re-Opening begin. Obviously, people were using it as a Source of Entertainment, a way to get out of the house.
I think my husband and I, along with others, will be in Isolation, forever. July brings the 4th, and the 24th, which is our State Holiday, and more Hotspots, then IF they open the schools (which starts the end of August in Utah), Covid will attend, then Fall, and the regular Flu Season (starts in Utah as soon as the ski resorts open) . . . . see what I mean?
I had an appointment with my doctor, which was a phone call. He said he had the virus early in March . . . a patient gave it to him. He is staying isolated, since they still don’t know if having it gives you immunity.
My brother’s “Celebration of His Life” is Saturday, and none of his siblings will be there. My other brother was with him when he died, but his doctor told him not to go this Saturday. He lives in a County that has stayed clean.
My doctor brought up depression. I’m not Depressed, I am Angry! and I can’t even start a riot!

Leah, I’m going to go ahead and assume that the Fireworks comment was sarcastic.  And yes, some of the protests across the country have been awesomely peaceful, as they should be.  As Americans, that’s the way we should protest.

Always good to hear from you.  Be safe and be careful on Saturday at your brother’s service.  Our prayers and best wishes are with you and your family.

This next is an awesome comparison photograph … thanks to Stephanie for sending it in.  THIS is what we should be celebrating right now!!!

The differences are truly amazing!!

That works for me…and that is it for me for today.  That concludes another issue.  I hope you had as much fun reading as I did writing.  May your day be filled with joy and happiness.  Until we meet again.

Cheers! ~~ Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

I’m at a loss as to what to say to you this morning.  Our President spoke last night, which was two or three nights ago for you guys (depending on when I get this issue out – and that is way up in the air right now because, as you can imagine, my life is way up in the air right now), and basically told the state Governors that if you can’t handle this situation, than I will.  People are being killed.  This has gone way over the top.  And I have even been having meetings about planned protests in my little area of Cornfield Indiana where I live.  I don’t know what to say.  This has to stop. 

Basically, President Trump has threatened to invoke the Insurrection Act of 1807, and from everything I’ve read, he can do it.  Use the military to quell the violence.  I really and truly hope and pray it doesn’t come to that, but when leaders of the black community are begging and pleading and telling these protestors that what they are doing is wrong … I don’t know.  I think it’s time for the legitimate protestors to go home.  You’ve made your point.  So many of them already have.  They say they don’t want any part of this shit, that this is not what they signed up for.  But so many others are just opportunistic ass-wipes that are going along with the agitators … who are being paid to keep this up and trust me when I tell you that it’s all political at this point.  

This just makes me sick.

So, I’m going on to other things.  I’m going to fucking laugh instead.  So fuck all you protestors, Dragon Laffs is going to laugh at all your bullshit!

My ex tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I have a small dick.

Guess her reaction when they all disagreed.

I’m pretty jealous of those two astronauts getting the hell off the planet …

You don’t think people are doing shit just to cause trouble?

Illinois man charged with handing out ‘bombs’ during Minneapolis protests

By

Darryl Coote

June 2 (UPI) — Federal authorities have charged an Illinois man for crossing state lines into Minnesota where he filmed himself passing out explosive devices and urging people to throw them at police and buildings during nationwide unrest over the police-involved death of George Floyd.

Continued here:  https://www.upi.com/Top_News/US/2020/06/02/Illinois-man-charged-with-handing-out-bombs-during-Minneapolis-protests/4221591087722/

These are the ones!  These are the ones who need to be locked up and never let out!

No shit!

I don’t know if I could ever “complete” someone.

But driving someone batshit crazy sounds doable.

Statistics show that once a burglar is infected by the AR-15 virus, they don’t burgle anymore …

and this next one goes so nicely with the last one …

Okay, I’m done.  LOL!

Congratulations!
You have successfully made it to the end of May!
Welcome to Level 6 of JUMANJI!

There’s an Oreo cookie?  I still don’t see an Oreo cookie!

Principal:  Your son is being bullied

Me:  He needs a sword.

Principal:  What? No, that would be …

Me: *Pulls out a sword*

Principal:  Whoa.  Hold on.  I don’t want any problems.

Me: *To Son* See what I mean.

See!  It’s not just me!!’’

The fact that my body cracks like a glowstick whenever I move and yet refuses to actually glow is very disappointing.

Yeah … I think I have at LEAST as many rounds as they could come up with as rioters and looters.

Okay, so I couldn’t resist this next one…

Everybody makes fun of the bald guy until the barber shops are all closed.  Then we’re the only ones who know how to cut our own hair.

They can … under normal circumstances … it might just take them a while … but I believe in self support and the second amendment. 

Day 22 of no Pub!  I fell off my stool in the kitchen to bring back some memories.

Very subtle … but one of my favorite songs … and now jokes!

Eugene Levy and his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry …

About half and half …

If I take a job at a poultry farm, does that make me a Chicken Tender??

Damn!  Come over to my house!!

If Watson isn’t the most famous Doctor, then Who is.

…

Oh, come on!  Really?

Did You Know: (You gonna start this shit again?) Tulip bulbs were once used as currency in Holland.  Well … hey … no … I didn’t know that and that’s actually pretty cool and makes some sense since Holland is the like the Tulip capital of the world and all and … okay … enough …

Did You Know: (See what you started!)  Wooly Mammoths were still roaming the earth when the Pyramids of Giza were being built.  So the space aliens who built the pyramids used wooly mammoths to move the big stones?  Is that what I’m hearing, here?

I gotta get me one of those cups!!!!

So … in order to enter stores now, do I need to bring a face mask or a brick?

2020 is confusing.

Okay, so it’s not funny … but it is.

Well, yeah!  That’s what you said you wanted!!

Every refrigerator has a crisper drawer … which is a great place to hide your vegetables while they rot.

I think that is enough battling of the bullshit for one day, besides I have a protest meeting at the Sheriff’s office I have to get to.

LOL!  I just reread that last line and it makes it sound like the Sheriff’s Department is going to protest.  Wouldn’t that be something.  Oh well. 

Love and Laughter to you all, until we talk again dear friends.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon.

Good Morning Kind and Understanding Campers,

My head hurts.

And I mean that metaphorically this morning rather than actually.  Well, actually, I think my head does hurt a little this morning, but that’s probably the caffeine low-low-level light that’s blinking amber in the corner of my eye that functions as my HUD or Heads Up Display.  That should be easily fixed with a couple more of these sexy things and I should be right as rain. A saying which comes from the inevitableness of dreariness. 

No, my head hurts from the continued stupidity of our nation.  But, is there really any reason to get into that this morning?  Is there really any reason to continue to pound that deceased equine into further pulverized horse meat?  I think not.  You moronic imbeciles know who you are who are being led by the nose rings that you have willingly placed upon yourselves and no pontification by this blue dragon will sway you from your own self-destructive paths.  You are idiots, rightfully gained by your own hands and by your own hands you shall fall.

For those of you who are protesting righteously I have the utmost respect and regard and for those police and now national guard who are there to keep the peace I salute you in a situation that is untenable on both sides.  I would wish that both sides have made their point and can now go home and await justice to slide along is grindingly slow course, but alas, I know it can’t be so.  Thus, the rest of us must sit and watch as this tragedy plays out on the world stage night after night while the witches and demons sit off stage and cackle with delight.

I would that God would bless us with a Summer Blizzard, nationwide, to send everyone back to their huts and hovels.  But no.  Tis not to be so.

So, for us campers, huddled around our warm fire, let us move onto other things this fine morning, and mayhaps to banish the bullshit with laughter and chase the foul spirits of mayhem to other corners.

I heard a two-year-old refer to her pockets as “snack holes” and this is what I shall forever call them.

A penny for your thoughts.

Five bucks if they’re dirty.

Hey!  That’s a GREAT feature!

Doctor:  Have you been drinking enough fluids?

Me:  That’s literally all I drink.

What a time to be alive, when computers ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

If anyone has any doubt that things have gotten weird during the pandemic, please consider today’s report from Forest Park, Illinois. A business owner called the cops when she received a suspicious package which she could not identify. Fearing that the package might contain a bomb, officers opened the package in a safe area. Well, it did contain an explosive device of sorts, but not the kind to do any damage. Inside was a tubular shaped object with a spring inside. Upon removal of the top, it revealed itself to be a glitter bomb, ejecting multi colored pieces of glitter. And not just regular glitter, either. These pieces of glitter were in the shape of little tiny penises. Anyone with any information as to who sent the love bomb is asked to call the cops.

 

 

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, where the cops noticed our bozo acting strangely in a public park. A quick check of his person found methamphetamine, marijuana and some unidentified pills in the pocket of his jeans. Before they could arrest him, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. While he did not deny he was in possession of the drugs, he did deny ownership of the pants. Yep, he said, “Those are not my pants.” The officers offered their sympathy, but advised our bozo that you should always check the pockets before putting on someone else’s jeans. He’s busted!

 

 

Did you know:  Lettuce is a member of the Sunflower family.

Nope.  Didn’t know.  Don’t know that I even care.  But thanks.

Did you know:  The real Captain Morgan, the namesake behind the brand of Rum, was a Welsh Buccaneer who later became Lieutenant Governor of Jamaica.

Nope, didn’t know that, either.  Boy, you’re just full of information today.  Oh … and the answer is … on the side of his bucking head!   ha, ha, ha, ha  … … … what?  Oh come on!  You know you were thinking it!

Did you know:  (oh geez)  Not all turkeys gobble.  Only males do, which is why male turkeys are called “Gobblers”!

Sigh.  Nope, didn’t know that either.  But you know, I had this girlfriend once … yeah … never mind. 

Not this girlfriend I was talking … yeah … never mind.

Attack of the Motivational Posters!!!  The Js … which means … Julie Newmar is down there somewhere!!!!!!

Oh NO!!!  Not my Jersey Girls!!!! No way!!!!  That’s Wrong!!!  Just so WRONG!!!!

Come on all you Jersey Girls out there, tell it like it is!!!!

And with that little bit of wisdom comes an end to today’s missive.  There will be no issue on Wednesday since I will on base all day on Tuesday.  So, until we meet again on Thursday, stay safe, stay happy, stay loving and stay laughing.

Cheers ~ Impish Dragon