Dragon Laffs

My Dear Campers,

I just want to say thanks for the outpouring of love that Mrs. Dragon and I have received from you all.  It has been overwhelmingly heart touching. Thank you all very much.

Impish and Mrs. Dragon

My Dear Campers,

It will probably be a few days before I can post again.  2020 seems to be the year that just keeps on giving.  On Monday we found out that Mrs. Dragon’s dear father passed away and is now back with his darling wife.  Although he lived a long full life, it was unexpected.  He went very gently in his sleep and I would have wanted nothing less for a wonderful father, grandfather, and great-grandfather.  He was never a father-in-law to me, but was always Dad and more importantly, he was my friend. 

So, my apologies to those of you who will be let down by the absence of Dragon Laffs.  I understand, truly I do and I will get back to you as soon as I can.  Because believe me when I tell you that this is as much for me, if not more so, than it is for you, but for now, the support of my dear wife comes first.

Love to you all.

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

My second base was Spangdahlem AB, Germany where I had the time of my life.  I was assigned to the gun shop where as a young airman I was given lots of work to do and my off time was spent in one of the most beautiful places in the world.

There aren’t many good pictures of the M61a1 nose gun system left on line any more…at least not many that I could find.  Here’s one:

The whole thing fit up inside the nose of the F-4E model Phantom II fighter jet.  It could also carry the SUU-23 20mm Gun Pod on the centerline weapons pylon and here’s a display picture of what the SUU-23 looks like:

So yeah, it was a pretty cool gig.

And now it’s time to move on to the laughter…don’t you think?

Yeah, I do too.

Good Plan …

And speaking of plans … the old range was finally, just now, picked up!!!!  Yeah.  It is 1:30 Saturday afternoon … if you’re wondering … and finally, after about 7 weeks and much stress and money and to do, our home is finally somewhat back to normal.  Thank you all for the help and assistance and support that you guys have given us over this time.

Here’s a fast note and story from Joe L in NJ:

Impish,

There is a lot of history in Cape May County, the real South Jersey.

During the revolutionary war

there were many farms along the coast. The British would anchor off shore and come to the beaches with long boats. They would raid the local farms and take whatever they could carry.

The farmers weren’t happy about these raids and devised a unique warning system.

At dusk they would tie their poultry to stakes on the highest dunes along the beach. When the raiders approached, the poultry would make a very loud racket and warn the farmers. Very effective.

And that is where we get the term:

‘Chicken Catch a Tory.’

…Joe in Beesley’s Point

Thanks (?) Joe.

Some noise?  I heard some noise?  That’s a fucking war zone!

After seeing the last picture, I’m not sure I want to even think about it.

I’m not buying a 2021 planner until I see a trailer.

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

Is this what we have to look forward to in 2021?!

Oh please!  Don’t be such pussies!  It’s what they were born and raised for!

I wouldn’t do anything for a Klondike Bar … But I’d do some shady shit for some whiskey and good tacos.

I surprised my girlfriend at work this morning.

Came up behind her and kissed her on the neck.

She laughed and said, “Mike stop.  You know we’re at work.”

My name is Brandon.

Okay, since I’m out of emails already, let’s do these now …

Thanks to Stephanie for these …

They Really Said It! Headlines without Editors…
   ** Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
   ** Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
   ** House passes gas tax onto senate
   ** Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
   ** Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
   ** Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
   ** William Kelly was fed secretary
   ** Milk drinkers are turning to powder
   ** Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
   ** Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
   ** Farmer bill dies in house
   ** Iraqi head seeks arms

And how about some really great Urban Art…

And some more headlines … this time …

   Lack of Appropriate Grammar Confuses the Issue:
   ** Eye drops off shelf
   ** Squad helps dog bite victim
   ** Dealers will hear car talk at noon
   ** Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
   ** Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
   ** Miners refuse to work after death
   ** Two Soviet ships collide – one dies
   ** Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

And a few more …

   No, They Didn’t Mean THAT, Really!
   ** Never withhold herpes from loved one
   ** Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
   ** Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
   ** Autos killing 110 a day, let’s resolve to do better

   Well Duh… OR Doesn’t It Seem Obvious…
   ** If strike isn’t settled quickly it may last a while
   ** War dims hope for peace
   ** Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
   ** Cold wave linked to temperatures
   ** Child’s death ruins couple’s holiday
   ** Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn’t seen in years
   ** Man is fatally slain
   ** Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
   ** Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Before you start popping that bubble wrap, remember the air in it is from China …

Here’s one starring our own Tom J. … by our own Tom J.

And another …

LIFE IS…

A LITTLE BIT OF WHAT HAPPENS TO US

AND

A LOT OF THE WAY WE REACT TO IT.

Leah writes … remember, she lives in Utah … and says:

Now we wear masks to filter the air because California, Colorado and Arizona wildfire smoke is thick in the sky.  I had to turn lights on around noon today!

However, it does have a good side . . . the sun can’t get through, so it is quite a bit cooler.

Okay, what the hell is this shit?  He’s got to have that crappy look on his face cause his balls hurt!

Being white doesn’t make you a racist and being black doesn’t make you a slave being an idiot however comes in all colors.

So…does the dude get a pass cause the state screwed up?  He was probably on edge every single day waiting for the cops to show up. 

I’ve expanded my skill set!

I can now forget what I’m doing while I’m actually doing it!

Have you guys seen this next one?  Does anyone think that 2020 isn’t cursed? 

Some call it multi-tasking, I call it doing something else while I try to remember what I was doing in the first place.

When I say I’m gonna have a girls night out it means I won’t be wearing a bra.

To be clear, the South isn’t afraid of a hurricane.  We’re afraid of being without AC in 90 degree weather with 100% humidity.

And one final, perfect picture for a Monday morning …

And just like that … POOF!  Issue Done!  And that’s it for today my friends.  I hope you have enjoyed this issue as much as I’ve enjoyed putting it out.  May you have a wonderful day.  Be nice to one another.

Good Morning Campers,

The above picture was from George AFB in California at about the same time that I was there in the late 70s, best as I can tell.  The last active unit of the old F-105 Thunderchiefs in the old Wild Weasel configuration.  Nicknamed the Thud it was an awesome old jet.  Sadly, we lost an awful lot of them while I was stationed out there in the Mojave desert.  Which kind of inspired it’s inspirational nickname.  Rumor has it, it was named after Chief Thunderthud from the Howdy Doody cartoon show.  It was a triple threat aircraft.  It could bomb you, strafe you with it’s 20mm gun, or it call fall on you.  We proved that quite well while I was stationed there.  We dropped quite a few of them into the Mojave Desert sand while I was there.  But, by the late 70s those girls were well over 20 years old by then.  But, fast loud and proud they were.  The pilots that flew them loved them.

 

 

I’m about to start telling people different stories about my life so when they get together and gossip about me they end up arguing…

If bedbugs are found on beds, who ever came up with the name cockroach?

I was telling a woman about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

“Really,”  she said, “Go on then … try.”

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come one, what day was I born?”

I said, “Yesterday.”

Bozo News Hawk award goes out today to Larry Kent of Tyler, Texas, who found this bozo story on the Associated Press wire and passed it on to us. From Mesa, Arizona come bozos John Largo,16, and Lee Burner, 17, who went to the local Wal-Mart and purchased a couple of strobe lights, red and blue in color. The bozos thought it would be fun to place the lights on top of their car and see if they could fool any other motorists into pulling over, thinking them to be police. Sure enough, the first car they tried the trick on pulled over. One problem–they pulled over an off duty police officer who arrested them for impersonating an officer and reckless driving.

Okay, can you all say it with me …

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boise, Idaho, where Harlan Collinsworth called the police to his house to report a number of things that had been stolen in a break-in. The bozo told police the thieves had taken a VCR, a bong and a marijuana pipe– but, he pointed out proudly, the thieves had missed a film canister full of marijuana. The cops asked the bozo to show them the canister full of dope and when he did, the police arrested the bozo for drug possession.

Can everyone repeat … ah never mind.  You say to yourself, how friggin’ stupid can they get and it’s like they’re taking it as a personal challenge.

 

That is absolutely disgusting!  True and funny as hell, but also disgusting!

Did You Know:  (No I did not) (Don’t start this shit with me already)  In 2019, a man in India was rushed into surgery after it was discovered that he had swallowed two screwdrivers, two toothbrushes, eight spoons and a kitchen knife?  (WTF?  No forks?  That’s hardly a proper table setting!)  (THAT’S what you come away with?)

Did You Know:  (No I did not) (I’m really warning you) (What?) The “D” River in Lincoln City, Oregon, only measures 440 feet!  (Why bother?) (Why bother what?) (Why bother being a river, if you’re only going to go downstream a whopping 440 feet, why bother) (You make it sound like the river has a choice) (Well, doesn’t it?) (I’m … speechless … ) (Okay then, moving on)

Did You Know:  (    ) (?) (I thought it, but I didn’t say it) (You’re so fucking weird) “DREAMT” is the only English word that ends with “MT” (No it’s not) (Yes it is) (No it’s not) (Name another one) (Another what?) (Another word that ends in MT) (Dreamt) (Besides Dreamt) (I don’t think there are any besides Dreamt) (That’s what I said) (No you didn’t) (Yes I did) (No you didn’t) (I’m not doing this) (See, I win) (That’s not what …) (Exemt) (There’s a “P” in it) (There’s no “P” in it, then it would be Pit) (No, there’s a “P” in Exempt) (Pexemt?  That’s not even a word.  Dude, just admit you don’t have a fucking clue what you are even talking about, do you?)  (Nope.  Not anymore)

 

April and I got kicking around living wills the other day.  She got me to sign one.

You know what a living will is, don’t you?  It’s a document that gives her the legal right, if I become attached to some mechanical device, to terminate my life.

So, yesterday, I’m on the exercise bike and …

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

The New Uber Drivers

So, I just figured out 2020 and it’s pretty obvious what happened … “Baby Shark” is an ancient chant that opens a portal to hell.

Do…do…do…do…do…do…

So, it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.

I miss the 90s when bread was still good for you, and no one knew what kale was.

If you see me talking to myself,

I’m having a staff meeting.

Bozo criminals for this morning come from Larch Barrens, Maryland where police interrupted a robbery in progress at a local grocery store. The bozos had broken in and were hard at work trying to get into the safe when police arrived. It would have been a long time before the bozos got into the safe with the tool they were using. They had stolen a lazer tag gun from a local amusement center and, thinking the gun was an actual laser, they were shining the light on the safe, waiting for the laser to cut through the metal and open the safe.

Can you say it with me?

Ever wonder why you don’t send cash through the mail?  Because it’s not safe nor secure!  Which is exactly why you shouldn’t vote by mail.

Did You know;  (No I …)  (Just stop!)  (Damn … touchy)  A fast-food burger may contain meat from as many as cows!  (No way!)  (Way)  (Do you realize how big that burger would have to be if they used that many cows!)  (They don’t use the whole cow … oh never mind.)

When I go to the casino, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says, “If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.”

So, I call them and say, “I have an ace and a six.  The dealer is showing a seven.  What do I do?”

I’m normally pretty quiet…

One day a guy calls a lawyer and asks how much he charges for a consultation.

The lawyer says he’ll answer three questions for $350.

“That’s kinda steep, isn’t it?” the guy asks.

“Yes,” the lawyer responded. “Now what’s your third question?”

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

Sadly, I do my best proofreading after I hit send.

Did I tell you that my old range is now supposed to be picked up on Saturday?  What a cluster … I’m so sick and tired of this mess.  It’s now 730 Friday night and I’m still waiting for the call from New Jersey that is supposed to tell me what time they are going to be here tomorrow to pick it up.  I’m not overly concerned yet since last time I didn’t get the call to tell me what time they were going to drop it off until about 830.  No.  Some people don’t go to bed early because they have to be up at 5 am to go to fucking work in the morning.

Customer Service?  You can’t even fucking spell customer service!

Couple more than I need to get ready to call it a night.

Although … ending on a great pic of Kay Perry’s tits is pretty tempting … nah … then what’s in it for the girls?

LMFMO = Laughing My Fucking Mask Off

Apparently, referring to latex gloves as Corona Condoms at work is frowned upon.

And that is where we’re going to call it an issue.  Until Monday my dear friends.  Be well, be happy, be safe.

Be Loved.

Impish

Good Morning Campers,

As I’m writing this, I’m waiting for the delivery drivers to arrive to bring our range and to finally put our cave back together again after almost two months after the lightning EMP that put such a huge crimp in our summer.  Got a recorded call last night that said they would be here between 8 am and noon today.  I guess Lowes has changed their delivery service.  So, we got our refrigerator under the old contract and the range under the new one.  And I already told you how pleased we were with the guys who delivered the fridge … so far I’m not happy with the range service.  A recorded call is not very personable.  Giving me a 4 hour window instead of a two hour one.  And then not even calling me at a decent hour.  I got the call at like 830 last night.  To me, that’s a bit late to be making calls to schedule deliveries.  But, we’ll see how it goes.

In the mean time, let’s get on with the laughter, shall we?

I heard the government is putting chips inside of people.  I hope I get Doritos.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gordon Galbraith for sending in today’s report. From Robbinsdale, Minnesota comes the story of bozo Paul Harris who walked into a pawn shop with several power tools he had just stolen and asked for cash for them. The man behind the counter took a look at the tools and thought, “These are pretty nice. I’ve got one just like that…and that…and that!” Finally it dawned on him-he was looking at his own tools. The bozo had broken into the pawnbroker’s house, stolen his tools, and, as fate would have it, brought those tools to his shop to pawn them. The pawnbroker called the cops who detained our bozo on a previous warrant while he hurried home to confirm that those were indeed his tools. They were. The bozo was arrested

Okay, so what are the odds?

Did You Know: (No I didn’t) (I haven’t said anything yet) (Oh, sorry) (‘s alright) During the 1957 Flu Pandemic, hundreds of thousands of fertilized chicken eggs were required each day to produce the vaccine! (No I didn’t) (Never mind)

Starting baby off right.

Did You Know: (No I didn’t) (Is this going to become a thing now?) (Not any More) The Filet-O-Fish has been on the McDonald’s menu longer than the Big Mac! (No I … never mind…)

…

…

Dammit!!

Therapist: [over the phone] How have you been coping?

Me: [quietly carving tiny swords to help the squirrels in their war against the birds] Oh, you know – just keeping busy.

Guess what happens when you’re offended?
Nothing!  That’s it!
Now be an adult and move on.

Did you hear about the painter who is hospitalized?
Reports say it was due to too many strokes.

What happens if life gives you melons?
You’re dyslexic

What did the blanket say to bed?
Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!

Why do you take a pencil to bed?
To draw the curtains.

What do you call a frozen dog?
A pupsicle.

What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I’ll hang around.

What goes through towns, up and over hills, but doesn’t move?
The road!

Why did the crossed eye teacher lose her job?
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.

What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A Clausterphobic.

What three candies can you find at every school?
Nerds, DumDums and Smarties.

What stays in the corner but travels all over the world?
A stamp.

What do you call a man with nobody and just a nose?
Nobody nose.

Why did the computer go to the doctor?
Because it had a virus!

Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
It’s dread-full.

And so were those puns!!!!!

May I add, Fuck you, you stupid bitch. 

It annoys the shit out of me, when ignorant, privileged snowflakes say something like that that casts aspersions on people that gave up EVERYTHING in order for them to be able to say such stupid shit.  You aren’t good enough to clean those men’s shoes.
Dumb ass.

And here’s another one who’s not worthy to wipe the ass of any of the boots coming out of basic training.  Why is anyone listening to a word him or any of his athlete buddies is saying. 

YOU DO NOT KNEEL FOR MY NATIONAL ANTHEM.  PERIOD!!

Are there too many illegal aliens in the United States?

YES                              22%
NO                                17%
NO COMPRENDE      61%

Went to the bathroom without my phone.  There’s 118 floor tiles and the longest word on a Shampoo bottle is “methylchloroisothiazolinone”

My therapist told me, “Write letters to the people you hate, then burn them.”  I did that, but now I don’t know what to do with all the letters.

Joe:  Why don’t you play golf with Bob any more?

Mike:  Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers, and enters false scores on his card?

Joe:  No!

Mike:  Neither will Bob.

Well, 10 am and still no range.  I could’ve slept in this morning … gotten a couple of hours of work in at the job, not wasted leave time … but then again, I did get to spend the time with you guys and I have had a chance to laugh quite a bit.  But right now it’s time to stretch the legs, get some more go juice and then if I still haven’t heard anything thing, I guess I’ll come back and keep laughing with my favorite campers.

God, that is so wrong!

Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, “You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn’t agree with me!”

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.  He asked her about it.

“This is the Masterson diamond,” she said.  “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”

“What’s the curse?” the man asked.

“Mr. Masterson.”

What a cluster fuck!  Like six monkeys fucking a football.  So the Range showed up at about 1230, I showed the guys the old range that they needed to take away and the first question they asked was, “Is it disconnected?” and I said, “No. You guys said you couldn’t hook up the new range because it’s gas and the whole liability thing, but no one said anything about not being able to disconnect the old range.”

“We can’t disconnect the old range.  We don’t even have any tools.”

Long story short, I didn’t have a wrench big enough to disconnect the old range.  So the guys dropped the new range and took off.  I called the appliance guy that I was going to have hook up the new range and asked him to come over and disconnect the old range and hook up the new range, but now the old range is still sitting in my dining room.  And I’ve been playing Jolly-fuck-around trying to get them to come and pick it up (today is now Wednesday).

They wouldn’t return my call last night.  They haven’t returned my call this morning.  I spoke with the manager this morning and he said that I am scheduled to be picked up today and they would call me with a time … that was three hours ago.  I really like the products, but the delivery service sucks.

So, Mrs. Dragon and I ran out early this morning, leaving Izzy Dragon at home in case they showed up, and got our blood draws out of the way and now they can go and do what they need to do while I wait on them to pick up the old range.  And I’ll bet dollars to donuts that it’s not until late this afternoon or this evening before they show.

So, let’s get back to the issue before I get even more pissed off than I already am.

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up.

Which I did not appreciate.

Christopher Columbus died in 1506.  If he’s ruining your happiness in 2020 you need to seek therapy.

And under the category of “How’s that again…?”

You can say “please” and “thank you” a million times and your toddler will never repeat it, but if you say “ass-faced mother fucker” ONCE …

Said in Bill Murray’s voice from Caddy Shack.

The only time it’s good to yell “I HAVE DIARRHEA” is when you’re playing Scrabble because it’s worth a shitload of points.

Thank You For Your Service!

Next week has been exhausting.

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who should’ve taken a nap, but didn’t take a nap, and just got triggered by something that makes absolutely no sense.

Every teenager needs to see the above cartoon and see it for what it really is.

Mice die in mouse traps because they do not understand why the cheese is free.

The same thing happens with SOCIALISM.

They say sniffing Rosemary will improve your memory.  I sniffed Rosemary once.  She hit me.  I don’t remember anything after that.

Marriage Tip #2:  When your wife is mowing the lawn, that’s not the best time to ask when dinner will be ready.

Instructor:  Welcome to salsa class!  Who’s ready to learn how to dance?

Me:  [hiding a bag of tortilla chips] There’s been a misunderstanding.

Got this one from Bill G …

William G

I think that someone somewhere might think that this is as funny as I did:
Ethel runs over to a co-worker: “Did you tell Helen that I was a bitch?”
“No I did not! I wonder how she found out?”

All the best.
Bill

And yup … I found it funny, too.  So we’re both equally cracked, Bill.

And to be fair, I’ve been called out three times now on one of the memes about Obama not attending the funeral for the General … here’s the “truth” according to Snopes.

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/greene-report/

Thanks to all of you who sent this in and thanks for keeping me straight.

Yeah, I’d slap him.

Oh my … okay, and with that, I think I have to call it an issue.  Still waiting for the pick up guys.  I guess you’ll find out on Saturday how it all works out.  Until then, keep smiling and keep loving each other.

Cheers,