Well, it’s Friday.  Although, by the time you guys will be reading this it will be Saturday.  So, for me, in 72 hours I will either be unconscious or will soon be unconscious having surgery, for you guys it will be more like 48 hours. 

So, figure this out.  They want me there at 0530 hrs.  For a 0730 surgery show time.  For a surgery that will probably not start until 0930.  And knowing the way hospitals and the medical community usually works 1030.  But, I’m the one that has to get up at 0400 hrs. to scrub my body with this special antibacterial soap, get myself ready and drive to the hospital so I can sit and wait around for probably six hours.  Why don’t we all just sleep in a couple of extra hours and agree to meet say at 0900 and just all get started at once?  I’d be all for that. 

Yeah, I know.  It doesn’t work that way.

And nothing to eat, drink, or smoke from midnight on.  And anyone who thinks I’m not grabbing a fast cigar on the way to the hospital …. well, they’re just silly.  What POSSIBLE difference could that make? 

My son is coming over on Sunday night and driving me to the hospital on Monday morning.  He is going to stay at the hospital with me until I go home and then stay with me until I don’t need him.  He’ll probably just need to run to the pharmacy and get whatever meds they prescribe for me after the surgery.  I’m looking forward to spending time with him. 

And with that, why don’t we get started with the fun stuff.  

Them:  How old are you?! 

Me:  CVS used to be Eckerds.

I teach curse words to children whose parents allow them to run around in restaurants.

Every once in a while someone amazing comes into your life.

…And here I am.  You’re welcome.

“It’s true that Dragons exist and they can be beaten.  But, not by the likes of Neil Gaiman or any other normal mortal.” ~ Impish Dragon

The waitresses in our Dragon Laffs Café are all sparkly.

Awkward people are really sexy.  They stumble, apologize, know obscure facts, and say all the wrong things.

Just trying to sell myself here.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.” 

He said, “You have a wee cough?”

I said, “Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!”

You don’t want to get on the wrong side of THIS security team at Dragon Laffs, Inc

LOL!  I see it, too!

Friday the 13th 
is still better than
Monday the whatever!

Coconuts are mammals because they have fur and produce milk.
Discuss…

I’m adopting a healthier lifestyle, so I parked and walked inside to buy donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

Yup!  That’s a fucking big a tiger is!

Allow me to slip into something more comfortable…
[Gets in my car and leaves]

A Good Explanation Of Politics

A Russian Jew was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel.
  
At Moscow Airport customs found a statue of Lenin in his baggage and asked, “What is this?”
  
The man replied, “‘What is this?’ Wrong question, comrade. You should have asked, ‘ Who is he?’ This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero.”
  
The Russian customs officer let him go without further inspection.
  
At Tel Aviv Airport the Israeli customs officer also asked our friend: “What is this?”
  
He replied, “‘What is this?’ Wrong question, sir. You should be asking ‘Who is this?’ This is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day.”
  
The Israeli customs officer said, “I apologize, sir, you are cleared to go.”
  
Settling into his new house, he put the statue on a table and to celebrate his immigration he invited his friends and relatives to dinner.
  
One of his friends asked, “Who is this?”
  
He replied, “My dear friend, ‘Who is this?’ is the wrong question. You should have asked ‘What is this?’ This is ten kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without paying any customs duty and tax.”
  
MORAL: Politics is when you can tell the same story in different ways to fool a different audience and allow you to look good in every situation.

And that’s it for today my friends.  Love and happiness to you all.

Surprise!  I’m writing to you when I said I wouldn’t.  That’s because…Surprise!…my life has fallen apart again.  Who’d of figured?

Okay, so I didn’t really crash and burn…per se…but I did find out that I have been mentally dwelling on, and therefore worrying about, going through this surgery on Monday without my dear Mary.  I’ve been playing it off like it’s not a big deal when in fact it IS a big deal and I’ve been dreaming of not waking up from the anesthesia and some other wacky things and that somehow, if Mary were here, it would all be all right, and it all just burst out of me in the middle of the exercise and … well … I kinda got kicked out the exercise and put on leave until my surgery on Monday.

Which, legitimately I should have been on anyway, but I thought they NEEDED me, like I was WAY more important than I am, and in the end, I probably just made things worse for them.

I am a schmuck. 

So, that’s why I get to hang out with you guys for the next couple of days before my surgery.  I’ll try to put a couple of little issues together for you between now and then.  How does that sound to you guys?

Sarcasm — where the witty will have fun but the stupid won’t get it.

The only thing that’s ever in bed with me is crumbs.

My girlfriend pissed me off in my dream so when I woke up and told her about  it she said, “it was probably something you started.” and somehow I ended up apologizing.

One of the most important things about a well working relationship, is that you have each other’s back.  It’s not always the biggest one who protects the smaller one.

If I’m quiet around you, I’m either trying to figure you out or I’ve already figured you out and I don’t like you.

Depending on YOUR age and the age and condition of your chair — yes they do count.

I am the master of all I survey!  What is this shit?

So, it’s okay to smoke silently.

This next one is the story of my entire life:

 

Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job.

Cupcakes are muffins that believed in miracles.

And I’m going to end this here so I can put this out tomorrow…on Friday…out of the ordinary, I know, but Surprise! 

Love and happiness to you all.

This may be the last issue you get from me for a little while.  I have a major ten day exercise starting today and then, the very next day, I go in for my hip surgery.  I will try to keep you guys informed about what’s going on, but the likelihood of a regular issue is pretty slim.  I am going to try to go to my Grief Group on Monday Night and I am going to try to play darts on Tuesday night since it’s opening night for our new location…but I’m not holding out a lot of hope.  But again, we’ll see.  But for now…

An elderly, rich man was all alone in his mansion, when suddenly he began feeling ill. 

He called up a doctor and, to his surprise, the doctor said she’d be right over.

When the doctor showed up, she was courteous and considerate, and she insisted that she could always examine the man immediately in his house, without him going anywhere.

The rich, old man was overcome. He said, “Wow, I’m not used to being treated in this manor.”

Day 12 without chocolate.

Lost hearing in my left eye.

As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself… “This takes me back.”

Trust a dragon to keep things calm and peaceful.

Going to my bed for some wild, mad, passionate, earth shattering, mind blowing sleep.

I hate when cashiers feel the need to check if my money is real.  If I could counterfeit money, I wouldn’t be at Dollar Tree, Karen.

I don’t understand why banks get upset when you can’t repay a loan…

You already knew I had no money when I came to borrow it.

Here kitty, kitty.

Now mind you, this is a couple of weeks old now, since I’m so damn far behind in my emails, but it’s still timely enough.  Friggin’ Pete seems to be having a bit of a battery problem…

Tried to mow the lawn today, but the lawn mower was having none of it. I put the battery on a charger in the morning, but it wasn’t charging.  So I put a tester on it. Dead. I drove over to the garage in the afternoon to get a new battery, then went to install it. But when I tried, one of the terminals was really corroded and broke off. And despite having a big box of terminal parts, none of ’em fit.

So I decided the correct response was “beer.”

It’s not like the grass is going anywhere….

I’ve found that “beer” is the correct response to many, many more problems than people think.

Here’s one from Hank that’s gonna knock your socks off

Can I still blame my lack of love life on the pandemic or is it back to my personality again?

 

There’s always some truth behind “just kidding.”
There’s always some knowledge behind “I don’t know.”
There’s always some emotions behind “I don’t care.”
And there’s ALWAYS some pain behind “it’s okay.” (or “I’m okay.”)

If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “Real Life”, they’d offer a class called “Working with Assholes”

Being happy doesn’t mean everything is going good.  It just means the drugs are working.

Sometimes I find a random screw lying around my house and I just assume it’s from my life falling apart.

OH     MY     DEAR     GAWD     !!!!!

And that’s it my friends.  I’ll try and keep in touch.  Love and happiness to you all.

Welcome to Thursday.  Actually, again, I’m time traveling because for me, it’s only Sunday.  I finished the Memorial Day episode, Izzy Dragon is at work, and I am lonely and missing my dear Mrs. Dragon.  So, I thought spending time with my other family and friends would be an enjoyable way to spend my evening.  
Izzy Dragon and I spent an enjoyable day yesterday together since this was the last weekend we will have to do anything. Since next week is pre-exercise week and I will be VERY busy, then the ten-day of the exercise, which ends on Sunday, and on Monday I have hip replacement surgery.  So, let’s start with these…

This is Izzy Dragon feeding and petting (and hence, being attacked by) little goats and baby little goats at Columbian Park Zoo.  

This little guy REALLY liked my cane.  Rubbed his little horn buds against it over and over again.  Followed me around the petting area, and then started chewing on the cane.  It was hilarious.  

Impish Dragon and Izzy Dragon, both in human form, on our friends little pontoon boat.  It was a nice day.  And yes, I know, my clothes do look a bit baggy on me.

So, from here, let’s move on to the bad news, I also found out yesterday that my brother the Owl had a mild stroke last week because of all the kidney surgeries he’s had lately.  I’m very, very worried about him and would appreciate all the prayers and good wishes you guys can pass his way.

Now, …

A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.  “Impossible,” says the doctor.  “Show me.”  She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony.  She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.  The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”  She says, “No, I dyed my hair.  I’m naturally blonde.”  “I thought so,” he says.  “Your finger is broken.”

I want to know what this does…it does something or it wouldn’t have the little red light on it.

I just saw on the news that they’re suggesting that people check on the elderly.  I’m usually up by 6 or 6:30. 

Bring donuts.

When I lost 3 fingers on my right hand in an accident, I asked the doctor if I’d still be able to write with it.  He said, “Possibly, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

It’s humbling.  People make replicas of me all the time.

A little girl wanted to know what the United States looked like.  Her Dad tore a map of the USA from a magazine and then cut it in into small pieces.  He told her to go to her room and see if she could put it together.  After some minutes she returned and handed the map correctly fitted and taped together.  The dad was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly.  She said on the other side was a picture of Jesus and when I put him back then our country just came together…

When I die, I know one of my Grandkids will lean in my coffin and whisper, “Can I play a game on your phone?”

Asked my boyfriend to buy me some tampons since he was going to the store, he sends me a picture of a box showing sizes (R for regular and L for large).  He asked if I needed left or right ones.

This is not going to end well.

We play really awesome games of Hide-And-Go-Seek 

This next one is so cool.  I had no idea that it was true, much less that it had a a name!!

What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?

Something catchy.

After dinner recently, my wife and I started getting romantic by the fireplace. 

We’re now banned from Cracker Barrel.

It looks like a cartoon monster.

I once asked a girl to marry me.  She said, “No.”

I said, “Is there someone else?”

She said, “There’s gotta be!”

Dreaming is so weird.  It’s like your brain waits around for you to fall asleep and then decides it wants to go ice skating naked down Mt. Everest while being chased by giant kidney stones dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.

And I’m afraid that’s it for tonight my friends.  Until we meet again on Saturday…I hope.  With this week being an exercise week and next week being the exercise, there’s no telling when I’ll get another issue out.  But, I’m going to try for Saturday.  Here’s to hoping.  Love and happiness to you all.

Today is Memorial Day.  A day that we remember the men and women who have given their lives in the service of our country.  Traditionally, that has been the men and women of the military service, but I know the police service also remembers their fallen officers at this time as well.  And as well they should since they also serve and protect our citizenry.  I would like you to take a moment to join with me and bow your head in remembrance of all of those who gave the ultimate sacrifice for all of us.

*******************************************************************************

Thank you Leah for the above picture.  I really like it.

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a store in town. I don’t want to mention the name of the store because I’m not sure how I’m going to proceed. Last night I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn’t work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the store told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me “NO.” I asked to talk to a manager now as I’m really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn’t work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was “OUT OF LUCK.”       No refund. No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr. . I’ll tell you what…I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from there again

My 5 year plan is to make it through this year.

 

Elon Musk offers to purchase the FBI for $100 billion.

No word yet if the Clinton’s are willing to sell.

Instructor:  Welcome to salsa class!  Who’s ready to learn how to dance?  

Me, hiding a bag of tortilla chips:  There’s been a misunderstanding.

Me:  I want a gun belt I can fit around my cat.  

Gun Shop:  That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.  

Me:  But, I could call her Kitty Kitty Bang Bang.  

Gun Shop:  …  

Me:  … 

Gun Shop:  Give me here measurements.

Now, let’s move on to a more fun filled issue.

I always see more people walking into Walmart than out of Walmart.  But the meat is cheap so I don’t ask questions.

Oh good, the mail is almost here.

Wife:  I just saw our daughter lining up her dolls to take turns in being burnt over a fire, do you know why she would do that? 

Me:  [nodding] Barbie queue

We live in a time where intelligent people are being silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

One of the ants on my ant farm dresses up as a clown to cheer up his friends. 

He’s an anti-depress ant.

This is just wrong!  Funny as hell, but wrong.

I bought a chicken earlier to make sandwiches. 

What a complete waste of time. 

All it does is run around the kitchen making clucking noises.

I don’t want a sugar daddy, but maybe like a sugar buddy.  I just hit him up like, “Hey, how are you today?” and he replies, “Doing great, thanks for asking.  Here’s $7,000.”

Some real quick mail…

Marsha sent us a quick note with a question…

And here’s a reminder for you about what Marsha is talking about:

And to let you know, Marsha, they are available, year round, in the Dragon Laffs Gift Shop, located conveniently on the second floor. 

I hope you all have had a great Memorial Day weekend.  May your prayers be answered and my your days be filled with love and happiness.