Dragon Laffs #2034

Well, it’s Friday.  Although, by the time you guys will be reading this it will be Saturday.  So, for me, in 72 hours I will either be unconscious or will soon be unconscious having surgery, for you guys it will be more like 48 hours. 

So, figure this out.  They want me there at 0530 hrs.  For a 0730 surgery show time.  For a surgery that will probably not start until 0930.  And knowing the way hospitals and the medical community usually works 1030.  But, I’m the one that has to get up at 0400 hrs. to scrub my body with this special antibacterial soap, get myself ready and drive to the hospital so I can sit and wait around for probably six hours.  Why don’t we all just sleep in a couple of extra hours and agree to meet say at 0900 and just all get started at once?  I’d be all for that. 

Yeah, I know.  It doesn’t work that way.

And nothing to eat, drink, or smoke from midnight on.  And anyone who thinks I’m not grabbing a fast cigar on the way to the hospital …. well, they’re just silly.  What POSSIBLE difference could that make? 

My son is coming over on Sunday night and driving me to the hospital on Monday morning.  He is going to stay at the hospital with me until I go home and then stay with me until I don’t need him.  He’ll probably just need to run to the pharmacy and get whatever meds they prescribe for me after the surgery.  I’m looking forward to spending time with him. 

And with that, why don’t we get started with the fun stuff.  

Them:  How old are you?! 

Me:  CVS used to be Eckerds.

I teach curse words to children whose parents allow them to run around in restaurants.

Every once in a while someone amazing comes into your life.

…And here I am.  You’re welcome.

“It’s true that Dragons exist and they can be beaten.  But, not by the likes of Neil Gaiman or any other normal mortal.” ~ Impish Dragon

The waitresses in our Dragon Laffs Café are all sparkly.

Awkward people are really sexy.  They stumble, apologize, know obscure facts, and say all the wrong things.

Just trying to sell myself here.

This story bothers the shit out of me! We had a guy die of a heart attack at work a few years ago. He died on a Saturday when no one else was around. But, they had tried calling him on the radio and when he didn’t answer, someone went and checked on him and they found him dead on the floor of his office. The guys who checked on him thought at first that if they had checked on him sooner, maybe they might have saved him, but found out later that his heart attack was such that he was probably dead before he hit the ground. What a crappy way to go. I guess they are all crappy ways to go, but going at work… no thank you.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.” 

He said, “You have a wee cough?”

I said, “Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!”

You don’t want to get on the wrong side of THIS security team at Dragon Laffs, Inc

LOL!  I see it, too!

Friday the 13th 
is still better than
Monday the whatever!

Coconuts are mammals because they have fur and produce milk.

I’m adopting a healthier lifestyle, so I parked and walked inside to buy donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

Yup!  That’s a fucking big a tiger is!

Allow me to slip into something more comfortable…
[Gets in my car and leaves]

A Good Explanation Of Politics

A Russian Jew was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel.
At Moscow Airport customs found a statue of Lenin in his baggage and asked, “What is this?”
The man replied, “‘What is this?’ Wrong question, comrade. You should have asked, ‘ Who is he?’ This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero.”
The Russian customs officer let him go without further inspection.
At Tel Aviv Airport the Israeli customs officer also asked our friend: “What is this?”
He replied, “‘What is this?’ Wrong question, sir. You should be asking ‘Who is this?’ This is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day.”
The Israeli customs officer said, “I apologize, sir, you are cleared to go.”
Settling into his new house, he put the statue on a table and to celebrate his immigration he invited his friends and relatives to dinner.
One of his friends asked, “Who is this?”
He replied, “My dear friend, ‘Who is this?’ is the wrong question. You should have asked ‘What is this?’ This is ten kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without paying any customs duty and tax.”
MORAL: Politics is when you can tell the same story in different ways to fool a different audience and allow you to look good in every situation.

And that’s it for today my friends.  Love and happiness to you all.

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5 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2034

  1. Bob Mink says:

    My last surgery, (a pacemaker) I had to be there at 06:30, my surgery was scheduled at 3 PM.

  2. Leah D says:

    Just so you know . . . I do not want to hear of your ND experience.
    Well, actually, I would want to hear of it, but I fervently hope you don’t have one!

  3. Alan F says:

    How great is the chance they’ll say: “sorry, you smoked. We will have to reschedule” ?

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