Well, I haven’t even gotten to Saturday and the fence and the next shoe has dropped.
My laptop has died.
My connection to you guys.
My ability to satisfy this addiction that I have. This craving that gnaws at my insides.
It’s not dead, dead. The battery is fried. It’s at the shop. Internal battery and they have to order one. That’s one of the downsides of living in a small town. Nothing is “on hand”.
So, I’m off line for about a week. But it’s a whole lot better than a new laptop.
I think I’ve told you before about how throughout my marriage with Mary, every year on or near our anniversary something would go wrong. Car breaks down, stove and refrigerator die (same year) all kinds of stuff! Every single year. We would count on it.
It hasn’t really happened since she passed away.
But our anniversary is coming up on July 15th. Making up for the last 4 years?
ROFLMAO!!!
No!!
I’m smiling here.
I went to the hospital this morning (don’t freak out, I just had some labs to do. Normal stuff.) and when I got home this is what I found from Willow dragon:
She ate her own pillow!
I had to laugh…I just had to.
Anyway my friends, I’ll try maybe to send updates through the phone like this one on fence Saturday but for the most part…I’ll just try to keep you updated.
Love you all!
Keep me in your prayers, I really think I need it!
I have another thank you to start this issue with. Thanks to Michael F for his kind donation that came in Monday morning. Thank you so very much my friend. Your generosity is deeply appreciated.
Dumpster is supposed to be delivered today, which should be step one in the great fence replacement caper. You know I’m going to take pictures, right? You should see those on Monday’s issue.
So, in the mean time, let’s get to the laughter so we can move on to the good stuff.
A mother had been teaching her three-year daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.”
A Rabbi who’s been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he’s never been able to eat pork.
So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel.
He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu.
As he’s eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant.
He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they’d chosen the same time to visit the same remote location!
Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.
The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, “Wow – you order an apple in this place and look how it’s served!”
A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City.
He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker.
He asked, “Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?”
The Saudi replied, “Excuse me, but what is a shortage?”
The Russian said, “Excuse me, but what is meat?”
The North Korean replied, “Excuse me, but what is an opinion?”
The New Yorker replied, “What is ‘excuse me’?”
Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
– last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)
Every one of these is absolutely true!!! Being a former bomb troop, I can verify some of them myself and the rest through experience and logic!
MILITARY WISDOM
“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” -Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.
“Aim towards the Enemy.” -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Marine Corps
“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” -Infantry Journal
“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” -U.S. Air Force Manual
“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.” -Gen. Mac Arthur
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” -Infantry Journal
“You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.” -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
“Tracers work both ways.” -U.S. Army Ordnance
“Five second fuses only last three seconds.” -Infantry Journal
“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.” -U. S Navy Swabbie
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” -David Hackworth
“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.” -Infantry Journal
“No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.” -Joe Gay
“Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.” -Anon
“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” -Unknown Marine Recruit
“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” -Your Buddies
“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.” -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
“Kevin, how come you’re using two caddies today?”
“Cause my wife tells me that I don’t spend enough time with my kids.”
“You and your husband don’t seem to have an awful lot in common,” said the new tenant’s neighbor.”
“Why on earth did you get married?”
“I suppose it was the old business of ‘opposites attract’,” was the reply.
“He wasn’t pregnant and I was.”
Yeah, I got that one!
Just a plain and simple Amen.
Lampner’s Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed.
When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
And that’s it my dear friends. Until next we meet, …
Okay, SO MUCH going on with this issue. The very first and foremost on my mind is a very special donation that arrived in the mail today from Joe from NJ. He donated to the “Get Impish Out of Hot Water With the City” fund. The GIOOHWWTC fund. Hmm, we need a simpler acronym.
BIB Bob is Blessed fund. So many good people helping me. It’s all in God’s hands. What more can I say? God has always blessed me and He always will. I have faith in that. So, thank you Joe, so very much. I know what this donation cost you.
The next thing that I want to pass on is that tomorrow, Tuesday is the twentieth anniversary of Dragon Laffs! At least in this iteration. We have been online for TWENTY YEARS! And some of you have been around since the beginning.
I want to say thank you. Thank you to all of you who have been with me through all that I have been through with this ezine. Thank you to all who have contributed, not monetarily, although for that, also, but for all the laughs, cartoons, memes, jokes, funnies and STUFF that you’ve sent in. Because there is no way I could do this without you. But even more importantly, thank you for the friendship and love that you have shown me over the years. You guys have been there for me through thick and thin. You’ve been there for me when others haven’t been. You’ve allowed me to put my feelings out there, to push my words out there, to get this damn monkey off my back for short periods of time. Those of you who write know what I mean. Thank you ever so much for ALL of you for ALL that you do.
So, Happy Anniversary to ALL OF US!
I’ve been in this line! A LOT!
Reminds me SO much of a song that I downloaded a couple of months ago that has really caught my attention. I’m gonna give you the YouTube version here. It’s not very long and I highly encourage you to listen to the lyrics…for me. No. Not for me. For you.
An awful lot of truth to that one.
Illinois, Chicago Law
Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
The part that bothers me about this? Someone felt it necessary to make a LAW?!
And speaking of craziness…I just read that an 11 year old girl and 12 year old boy, running a lemonade stand were robbed at gunpoint in Boston. Took their money box that had about $50 in it. What is wrong with this country?
AIN’T THAT THE TRUTH!!!!!!!! People, if you don’t learn anything else from me, PLEASE learn that one. Comfort. Love your neighbor as your self. What do you think that even means? Talk to them. Be there for them. Isn’t that what Dragon Laffs is all about??? How many of you have told me that? More than a couple.
The devout cowboy lost his favorite BIBLE while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the BIBLE in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.
He took the book from the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”
On a wall in the ladies room:
‘My husband follows me everywhere’
Written just below it:
‘I do not’
I AM DISGUSTED!!!
You think that’s great, wait until he turns 15…then 16…it all goes downhill from here, hun.
3 old guys are sitting on a porch in Miami. Suddenly the first sighs and says, “Gentlemen, isn’t life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods.”
The second answers, “Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk.”
The third sighs loudly and adds, “Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she’s interested. She screams at me, “What is wrong with you dear? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!”
After a long pause the first man says, “So what is your problem?”
The third one grunts and says, “Can’t you see? My memory is going.
I just got an update on the tornadoes that came through here Thursday night. Here’s what the NWS says are the tornadoes that hit Indiana. I think they are missing at least two, but what do I know? You’ll notice the blue dot is the “approximate” location of the DLL – Dragon Laffs Lair.
Wisdom:
Don’t marry for money. It’s cheaper to borrow.
Yeah, that’s about 151 mph. Not bad.
I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I’m 83 years old and this morning, while I was in the McDonald’s drive-through, the young lady behind me honked her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to order.
So, when I got to the first window, I paid for her order along with mine. The cashier must have mentioned what I did because as we moved up, she leaned out her window, waved at me, and mouthed “Thank you,” clearly embarrassed that I responded to her rudeness with kindness.
When I reached the second window, I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line and start all over again.
So, a little tip: Don’t honk at older folks; we’ve been around a while!
Don’t live in a town where there are no
doctors.
Jewish Proverb
And that’s it my friends! I hope the 20th Anniversary issue was worthwhile. It was fun for me, so I hope it was fun for you. May you find love and happiness in your life until we meet again. And …
Okay guys, here’s the low-down. I am SO FAR behind. Today is Thursday, it’s late, I’ve got a ballgame to go to tonight with a friend to watch her grandkids play. Yes, I said her. I don’t want ANYONE going there! She’s a friend, I like her, and that’s all there is to it. I don’t know why I’m even telling you guys about it … except you guys are family. So, stop the whispering in the back! I said, knock it off!
Anyway, I want to get at least halfway through this for you guys before I have to take off, so… let’s get this party started!!
That was sent in by our own dear Stephanie… but you know what, I like the shirt concept, but not crazy about monkeys … would’ve been better with a dragon. Most especially since I CAN FIX stupid, and I guarantee it’s gonna hurt!
Ahhh, the memories. Good times.
Every time Peter’s mother invited her lover to their home, she put Peter in the closet.
One day her husband came home early, so her lover quickly hid in the closet with the boy.
“Hey, mister,” Peter said, “it’s kinda dark in here, isn’t it?”
“Why, yes, as a matter of fact it is.”
“Hey, you wouldn’t want to buy my old baseball, would you? My dad just bought me a new one.”
“No, you don’t really need baseballs in my line of work.”
“If you don’t buy my baseball,” Peter said, “I’ll tell my dad where you are.”
“All right, all right,” the lover groaned, “I’ll buy your damn baseball. How much is it?”
“Fifty dollars.”
The man didn’t want to pay fifty dollars for a baseball, but he decided he had no other choice. The boy figured he was on a roll, so he asked, “Hey, mister, you want to buy my glove?”
The lover didn’t even bother arguing: “How much?”
“A hundred dollars!” The man had just finished paying up when the woman opened the door and said the coast was clear.
The next Sunday, the boy went to confession because he felt guilty for having conned his mother’s lover out of a hundred and fifty bucks. “Hey, mister,” he said, climbing into the confessional, “it’s kinda dark in here, isn’t it?”
The voice groaned, “Not you again!”
Data Centers are such a BIG DEAL around here right now. They are trying to build one in our county and the county board is being really shady about the whole thing.
*
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:
“What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?” the minister asked.
“Try to fix it if it’s big; ignore it if it’s insignificant,” replied the lawyer. “What do you do?”
The minister replied, “Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example.
The other day I meant to say ‘the devil is the father of liars,’ but instead I said ‘the devil is the father of lawyers,’ so I let it go.”
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”
A fellow turned to a woman sitting beside him in a bar and said; “Drinking makes you look beautiful, darling.”
She looked a little surprised and answered, “but I haven’t had a drink yet.”
He smiled and said, “no, but I have!”
Yes, I know, this one was a little bit shorter than most, but sadly, I ran out of time and had to call it quits. It was just one of those weeks I’m afraid. There’s always next time my friends. So, until then …
Not sure what we are bewaring, but as promised, I’m jumping right back into this one and trying to get a little bit ahead again. I know I’m not going to get this one finished, but well started is … something … I forget that old saw. ANYWAY … let’s just jump right in, shall we?
There is something incredibly satisfying when karma comes swooping around and lands so appropriately.
And quite a bit of humor!
A woman walked into a pet store.
“I haven’t got much money”, she told the clerk, “so I’d like to know if you’ve got any kittens you’ll let go cheap”.
“I’d let them, Ma’am.” said the clerk, “but they prefer to meow.”
“I advertised that the poor would be welcome in this church,” said the minister, “and after counting the collection I see they have come.”
There is dragon in this cat’s bloodline somewhere.
This next one is one of the most amazing stories I’ve ever read in my life! Thank you Lynn for sharing this, especially with the pictures.
It was 4:43 in the afternoon in Colorado when the mountain lion dragged our dog across the backyard.
And my eight year old daughter still recovering from chemotherapy ran straight toward it with nothing but a broom in her hands.
At first, we thought Scout was barking at squirrels again.
That old golden retriever barked at everything: birds, leaves, shadows moving across the fence. It was his daily routine.
I was washing dishes in the kitchen. My wife was folding laundry in the living room. Lila sat outside drawing with sidewalk chalk in the grass.
For the first time in months, life felt normal.
Then we heard the scream.
Not Scout’s.
Lila’s.The sound hit like lightning.
I dropped the plate in my hands. It shattered in the sink as Scout’s barking suddenly changed from playful to terrified.
I ran to the window.
And froze.
The mountain lion was massive.
Its body twisted violently in the yard behind the swing set while Scout struggled underneath it. One paw pinned him to the ground while its jaws clamped near his shoulder.
Scout was losing. Fast. My wife screamed behind me, but before either of us could react, Lila sprinted past us barefoot and into the yard.“No!” my wife shouted.
But Lila kept running.
She looked so small out there. Her hair had only recently started growing back after chemotherapy. The treatments had drained nearly all her strength over the past year.
Yet somehow, she never slowed down.“You leave my dog alone!” she screamed.
The mountain lion looked up instantly.
For one terrible second, everything stood still.
Then Lila swung the broom with both hands.CRACK.The animal snarled.
She hit it again.
And again.
The broom snapped near the handle, but she kept swinging the broken piece anyway.
Startled, the mountain lion finally backed away.
Then, unbelievably, Lila stepped between the animal and Scout.
Tiny bare feet planted in the dirt.Broken broom trembling in her hands.
The mountain lion stared at her for a long moment before disappearing into the trees beyond our yard.
Silence filled the backyard.
Scout crawled toward Lila, bleeding and shaking. She dropped beside him immediately and wrapped her arms around his neck.“It’s okay,” she whispered. “I’ve got you.”By the time I reached them, my legs barely worked.
I grabbed Lila so tightly I nearly cried. My wife collapsed beside Scout, sobbing as we searched Lila for injuries.
She didn’t have a single scratch.
Scout, however, needed emergency surgery.
That night, after the vet stitched him up and sent him home, I found Lila sitting beside him on the living room floor. Scout refused to leave her side.
Every few minutes, he rested his head against her leg like he was making sure she was still there.
I sat beside her quietly.“You scared us today,” I said.
She nodded.“I know.”
“Why did you run toward it?”Lila looked down at Scout for a moment before answering softly:
“Because he would’ve done it for me.”A week later, security footage from a neighbor’s camera spread online. Millions watched the tiny girl charge across the yard with a broom to save her dog.
People called her fearless.
But during a ceremony held in town a few weeks later, a reporter asked Lila the question everyone wanted answered.“Weren’t you scared?”Lila looked down at Scout, then back at the crowd.
And smiled.
A calm, quiet smile that seemed far older than eight years old.“I already beat cancer,” she said. “I’m not scared of a big cat.”The crowd fell silent.
Because everyone understood the same thing at once:
That little girl had already faced something far more terrifying than a mountain lion.
And survived.
AND I DIDN’T!!
You know … that’s a really good point …
And it’s probably only partially full.
Living with a poor editing?
It’s now Sunday and I’m home from work and just settling down and … boy has it been a weekend! I’m tired my friends. And poor Izzy has been working, cleaning rooms in lodging in the heat and threw up a couple of times and the poor dear is miserable. She’s in the shower right now and when she’s done I’m going to suggest she go lay down for a nap…which will probably stretch all evening. She put a load of laundry in that I’ll finish up for her…if she wants to lay down…cuz I’m a good daddy dragon.
Here’s why you should always question your assumptions:
Late at night, a doctor’s phone rang. He answered it groggily. “Hello?”
“Dr. Jones? This is Dave Mitchell. I’m sorry to call you so late, but my wife has this sharp pain in her side. It’s sort of tender when I touch it, and I wonder if I should take her to the hospital.”
The doctor recognized his patient’s voice. “That’s all right, Dave. Just give her a few aspirin; I’m sure she’ll be fine.”
Dave called back a few minutes later. “Doctor, are you sure about this? My wife thinks it might be appendicitis.”
“It’s not appendicitis,” the doctor said curtly. “Maybe it’s something she ate.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because I removed your wife’s appendix seven or eight years ago. I remember it clearly. And no one grows a second appendix.”
Dave paused. “Yes, but some people have a second wife.”
Foot Note: “Necessity may be the mother of all inventions, but assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.” –Anonymous–
Aussie Pete sent me a really good visual about the odds of things killing you, but when I tried to insert it, you couldn’t see it, so I’m going to just give you the highlights here:
Obesity kills 30,000 people annually. Lightning kills 10,000 people annually. Texting kills 6,000 people annually. Hippos kill 2,900 people annually. Airplanes kill 1,200 people annually. Volcanoes kill 845 people annually. Autoerotic Asphyxiation kill 600 people annually. Shopping on Black Friday kiss 550 people annually. Falling out of Bed kills 450 people annually in the United States. Bathtubs kill 340 people annually. Deer kill 130 people annually. Icicles kill 100 people annually. Hot Dogs kill 70 children annually. Tornadoes kill 60 people annually. Jellyfish kill 40 people annually. Dogs kill 30 people annually in the United States. Ants kill 30 people annually. High School Football kills 20 people annually. Vending Machines kill 13 people annually. Roller Coasters kill 6 people annually. Sharks kill 5 people annually.
Okay, Impish observations: What is up with Hippos!?!? I thought tornadoes would have been higher than that. I would have thought ants would have been lower than that. And sharks need to really step up their game to keep up with their reputation.
A guy was walking down the street when a sign in a pet shop window caught his eye: “AMAZING TALKING PARROT. SUPER PROMOTION. BUY IT BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE DOES!”
Intrigued, he stepped inside and found a gorgeous, multi-colored bird preening its feathers.
“What’s so special about this one?” the guy asked the shopkeeper. “Honestly, he looks like every other parrot I’ve ever seen.”
“Ah, but he’s a polyglot!” the shopkeeper beamed. “Watch this. If you gently pull his right leg, he speaks perfect English.”
The guy gave the right leg a tug, and the parrot instantly squawked, “Good afternoon, governor! Lovely weather we’re having!”
“And,” the shopkeeper continued, “if you pull his left leg, he speaks flawless Spanish.”
The guy gave the left leg a pull, and the bird chimed, “¡Hola, señor! ¿Cómo estás?”
The guy smirked, thinking he was being clever. “Alright, so what happens if I pull both legs at the same time?”
Before the shopkeeper could open his mouth, the parrot glared at the guy and snapped:
“I’ll fall off the perch, you idiot!!!”
I love being married.
It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I’m sure that was sent in by a woman.
Things weren’t going too well in the Sunday School class.
Nobody seemed to recall the identity of Matthew.
Nor did they do any better with Mark.
Finally, the teacher said hopefully, “Surely somebody remembers Peter!”
A small boy in the last row came to the rescue.
“Teacher,” he piped, “wasn’t he a wabbit?”
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month’s outing was to be at a dairy farm.
Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.
The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination.
On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside.
After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.
Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable.
She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him – he sauntered in.
“Sir,” she inquired, “Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?”
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns.
Sometimes we keep’ em trimmed down with a hacksaw.
Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ’em cold.
Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.
But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.”
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said “Chopsticks were provided only on request.”
“But,” the man countered, “if you gave your patrons chop-sticks, you wouldn’t have to pay someone to wash all the forks.”
“True,” the waiter shot back, “but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess.”
And that’s it for this one my friends…and HEY! It’s still Sunday! I hope you had as much fun reading as I had writing. May your day only go up from here, my dear friends. Love and happiness to you all.
Dragon Laffs 