Today is Saturday … well … for me. For you it’s Monday … and while you’re reading this, I’m probably on my way to the dentist to get one fifth of my teeth looked at.

I only have five of them left in my head and one of them is giving me fits! How is that even right!!!

Anyway, more important things to talk about…

Gonna try to get as much of this knocked out this morning as I can, gonna be a busy day for me today. Izzy dragon wants to go shopping this afternoon and then I have a meeting to go to with Holly over a donation place that she’s involved with, then I might be home in time tonight to work on it a little bit more. Then tomorrow there is church and immediately afterwards Holly and I are going to go to the hospital to visit the guy I told you about who hit the deer on his motorcycle. Problem is that’s a 3 hour round trip. So there might be a little time tomorrow night to finish this up. SOOOO…. Let’s jump right in, shall we?

This is so cool! What I had done twice!

Dang! Not in any grocery story around here!!!

Oh! That’s gotta hurt!

I wish people would just learn to understand that!

I did know!

Having finally won her heart, Quasimodo marries Esmerelda. 

Quasimodo comes home from a hard day of ringing bells and his wife has made a delicious stir-fry.

“Great!” he says.

Next night he comes home from work, and it’s stir-fry again.

“Just as delicious as last night,” he says.

Next night — stir-fry again. “Tastes great, but I’m getting kind of  sick of stir-fry again,” he says.

Next night — stir-fry again.

“Listen,” he says, “tomorrow make whatever you want, as long as it’s not stir-fry.”

Next day he leaves work early (asking an assistant to ring vespers for him) so that he can catch her before she begins cooking. 

He walks in the front door and there she is, taking the wok down off the rack. 

“Aha!” he says. “You’re going to make stir-fry again!” 

“Don’t be silly,” she says. “I’m going to iron your shirts.” 

No kidding! It’s called “white coat hypertension” and it means that your blood pressure goes up at the doctor’s office. A LOT of us suffer from it. I had a heck of a time convincing my doctor to lower my blood pressure meds when I lost so much weight because in her office my BP was perfect … which means in real life it was low, because in her office it was always a bit high because I suffer from the same thing.

I’m not sure if that last one is true or not, but it sounds absolutely awesome! I think it should be adopted world wide!

Maine Laws

You may not step out of a plane in flight.

Like many other laws, my question is, what precepted this to make it into a law?

Once upon a time, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered some grains of wheat. 

She called her neighbours and said, “If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. 

Who will help me plant it?”
 

“Not I,” said the cow.
“Not I,” said the duck.
“Not I,” said the pig.
“Not I,” said the goose.
 
Then I will,” said the little red hen. And she did. 

The wheat grew tall and ripened into golden grain. 

“Who will help me reap my wheat?” asked the little red hen. 

“Not I,” said the duck.
“Out of my classification,” said the pig.
“I’d lose my seniority,” said the cow.
“I’d lose my unemployment compensation,” said the goose. 

“Then I will,” said the little red hen, and she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread. “Who will help me bake the bread?” asked the little red hen.

“That would be overtime for me,” said the cow.
“I’d lose my welfare benefits,” said the duck.
“I’m a dropout and never learned how,” said the pig.
“If I’m to be the only helper, that’s discrimination,” said the goose. 

“Then I will,” said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for her neighbors to see.

They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. 

But the little red hen said, “No, I can eat the five loaves.”


“Excess profits” cried the cow.
“Capitalist leech” screamed the duck.
“I demand equal rights” yelled the goose.
And the pig just grunted. 

And they painted “unfair” picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. 

When the government agent came, he said to the little red hen, “You must not be greedy.”

“But I earned the bread,” said the little red hen.

“Exactly,” said the agent. “That is the wonderful free enterprise system. 

Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide their product with the idle.”

And they lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, “I am grateful. I am grateful.”

But her neighbours wondered why she never again baked any more bread.

And that, dear children, is yet another example of why socialism will never work and never has.

QUESTION:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities.
In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot. You have
mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? 

LIBERAL ANSWER:

Well that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the
man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is
inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think?
What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and
knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this
situation? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he 
definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away
while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate
this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion. 
I really need to feel this person’s pain. Uggggggh! Arggghhh!

CONSERVATIVE ANSWER:

BANG!

Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower: 

Helicopter Pilot: “Tower, I’m holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1.” 

Second voice: “NO!!! You can’t be doing that! I’m holding at 3000 over that pad!” 

There was a brief moment of silence.

First voice again: “You idiot! You’re my co-pilot!”

Karl and Milly were tucked into bed. Karl was already half-unconscious, drifting into a deep sleep, but Milly was feeling nostalgic and romantic.

She sighed softly, nudging him. “Remember when we were courting? You used to hold my hand.”

With a heavy, exhausted sigh, Karl blindly reached over, squeezed her hand for a brief second, and let his arm drop like a stone.

A minute passed. “And then,” Milly whispered wistfully, “you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, Karl rolled over, gave her a swift, dry peck on the cheek, and immediately buried his face back into his pillow.

Not thirty seconds later, she sighed again. “And then… you used to bite my neck.”

Karl snapped. He threw back the heavy comforter, swung his legs out of bed, and stood up in the dark.

“Where on earth are you going?” Milly asked.

Karl groaned, “To get my damn teeth.”

Yeah….funny how that works, innit?

So…what you’re saying is that the greatest thing since sliced bread BEFORE sliced bread was WRAPPED bread?

Maryland, Baltimore

It is illegal to throw bales of hay from a second story window within the city limits. 

Again, I have to ask, “Why?”

What a beautiful sentiment for everyone!

Notes For The Milkman in England

“Dear Milkman, I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.” 

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.”

Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it”

Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.”

Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today.”

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.” 

Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.”

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you ‘to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened.” 

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle.”

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.” 

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.” 

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.”

My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.”

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.”

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door.
PS. Don’t leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.”

And that’s it! While waiting for Izzy I got the whole thing done! And that means a very short afternoon for Izzy cause now it’s going on 1 pm and she’s still not done. Sigh. So, gonna get off here and take care of some other things. Talk to you again on Thursday my friends, until then…