Dragon Laffs #1977


Good Morning Campers, 

BLUF:  Mrs. Dragon is doing much better, thank you very much.  And I truly appreciate the kind words that have been sent our way.  She is home.  We had the oxygen guy come by today and give us a somewhat permanent home oxygen supply.  Not sure how long we’re going to have that, but as far as I’m concerned, she can have it as long as she needs it.  Her O2 levels were, in official medical parlance, really crappy.  But, like I said, she is better now.  Not good, not yet, but better. 

And after 30 years of government service, I just recently figured out what BLUF stands for.  I’ve seen it in emails for years and years and could never figure out what it meant.  It means: Bottom Line Up Front.  Stupid, but effective.  The acronym, not the concept.  Only the government would need an acronym to overstate the obvious.   

And now it’s 2022.  I’d say it can’t be any worse than 2021, but when we said that about 2020, 2021 ended up taking that as a fucking challenge and proving us wrong.  So we are NOT going to throw that out there.  Is everyone paying attention? 
WE ARE NOT GOING TO PUT THAT OUT INTO THE WORLD!!! 
Instead, we are going to look forward to turning over a new leaf. 
A new year. 
A new beginning. 
Sunshine, butterflies, and fucking puppy dogs! 
Everybody clear! 
Good!

Okay, so we are now moving on to the laughter portion of our show.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to get an entire episode done before Saturday.  You’ll get an episode…just how much of an episode depends on how busy the rest of the family keeps me over the next day.  So, let’s see how it goes.

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all our grandparents were alcoholics.

I don’t procrastinate.  I wait until the last minute to do things, because I will be older, and therefore wiser.

Me:  I’m still tired from all the CrossFit this morning.  

My co-worker:  It’s pronounced “croissant” and you ate four of them.

 

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public. 

Especially if you don’t know them…

I know how that poor guy feels.  You could relabel that 2021 and Impish Dragon and it would be perfect.

Not THIS dragon’s treasure, obviously.  That would solve too many damn problems.

I’M A
Wooden Spoon
Lead Paint
No Car Seat
No Seat Belt
No Bike Helmet
Bed of Pickup Riding
Garden Hose Drinking 
SURVIVOR

I paid my teenager $10 to do the dishes. 
Then on his way to the bathroom, I mugged him because it’s my job to teach him life lessons.

Who would’ve thought one day we’d be smoking weed at a family gathering, but the illegal part would be the family gathering.

Come on!  We’re all going to Hooters!  I’m buying!

Cashier:  Your total is $18.53  

Me: [gives cashier $20.53]  

Cashier:  [blank stare for 45 seconds…stuck]  

Me:  Just give me $5 back…  

Cashier:  That’s what I thought it was…just had to make sure…Here you go.

As far as I’m concerned, that’s a life lesson and the cashier deserves everything they get.

You might be a Redneck if you use bubble-wrap under your front doormat as your alarm system…

Okay, so for those of you who don’t read the comments, let’s share here…

Friggin Pete

DAMN MAN!! You have the luck of a shithouse rat! I sure hope and pray that things start working out.
And…..you’re welcome. LOL  

Man, Pete!  Why you want to treat those poor shithouse rats like that!?  

Cynical John

Hang in there, Impish! We’re with you!  

Thanks Cynical John!  I truly appreciate the sentiment and the good will and the well wishes.  And I know that Mrs. Dragon does as well.  And that goes to all of you who have sent us messages of happiness and get well.  Deeply appreciated.

So MANY of you kids won’t get that one.  Here, I’ll help you out…

Oh…by the way…Impish’s favorite band of all time.  Seen them live like 8 times.

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday.  That’s ridiculous, I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.

Irony is when someone writes, “Your an idiot.”

 

How about a little more…

Leah D.

I am very curious what you did to end up with this bad karma? It has to be a hell of a story, which you should write down and sell as a book, thereby changing at least the financial part of your karma.
WARNING! Twice now, I have been told that prescription medicines we take, are OUT OF STOCK. Yup, it is bad enough to need them, then find out you can’t get them?  

Leah, my Karmic story may end up as a best seller, but would also end up as one of those apocalyptical tomes that bring on the end of the world.  And one of the reasons that your meds may be out of stock is that many of our medications come from … wait for it … China.  And may very well be sitting on a container ship sitting off the west coast waiting to be unloaded.  They’ve made it so damn difficult for that to happen with their rules and regulations it’s a wonder that anyone is shipping anything to the United States, well, specifically to California at all anymore.

Helen

My 5 yr old great grandson, was so excited, when I showed him Santa and the reindeer flying Christmas eve. He was jumping up and down, had everyone else come and take a look. That’s what Christmas is about. Wishing you and your Mrs. a speedy recovery,  

Thank you Helen.  And I agree.  The wonder and amazement in a child’s eyes makes it all worthwhile.  I wish mine were still that young. 

dowchuckil

sometimes even i wonder? but like you always say,,, you gotta laff.
it’s the only way to get thru some of this shit.  I agree Chuck.  Laughing may be the only way to get through this.  So, let’s get back to some of that…

I swallowed a dictionary.  It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

Yeah…no shit.  This one owes out his ass, is suffering out his ass, I want to know where the fuck MY WHITE PRIVILEGE is???!!!

 

Well, it’s California.  He IS the only one in the picture comitting a felony.

Fucking perfect!

Boy, ain’t that the truth.  My favorite author, Robert Heinlein, once wrote something to the effect that writing is easy, just sit down behind a typewriter and open a vein.  I have agonized over a paragraph as much as I have over a child.  The correct word, in the correct spot, in the correct sentence, can make all the difference in an entire piece.  Oh, and the part about The Elements of Style is not a bad idea, either.

Without Freedom of Speech we would not know who the idiots are.

No matter how long you have traveled in the wrong direction, you can always turn around.

The most terrifying moment in life is when the toilet refuses to flush at someone else’s house.

 

‘Tis a very sad day today…and this should tell you everything you need to know …

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1 Response to Dragon Laffs #1977

  1. kris72663 says:

    I’m glad Mrs. Dragon is feeling better. Both of you are in my prayers. May 2022 be a better year for all!!

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