Good Morning Campers,
BLUF: Mrs. Dragon is doing much better, thank you very much. And I truly appreciate the kind words that have been sent our way. She is home. We had the oxygen guy come by today and give us a somewhat permanent home oxygen supply. Not sure how long we’re going to have that, but as far as I’m concerned, she can have it as long as she needs it. Her O2 levels were, in official medical parlance, really crappy. But, like I said, she is better now. Not good, not yet, but better.
And after 30 years of government service, I just recently figured out what BLUF stands for. I’ve seen it in emails for years and years and could never figure out what it meant. It means: Bottom Line Up Front. Stupid, but effective. The acronym, not the concept. Only the government would need an acronym to overstate the obvious.
And now it’s 2022. I’d say it can’t be any worse than 2021, but when we said that about 2020, 2021 ended up taking that as a fucking challenge and proving us wrong. So we are NOT going to throw that out there. Is everyone paying attention?
WE ARE NOT GOING TO PUT THAT OUT INTO THE WORLD!!!
Instead, we are going to look forward to turning over a new leaf.
A new year.
A new beginning.
Sunshine, butterflies, and fucking puppy dogs!
Okay, so we are now moving on to the laughter portion of our show. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get an entire episode done before Saturday. You’ll get an episode…just how much of an episode depends on how busy the rest of the family keeps me over the next day. So, let’s see how it goes.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all our grandparents were alcoholics.
I don’t procrastinate. I wait until the last minute to do things, because I will be older, and therefore wiser.
Me: I’m still tired from all the CrossFit this morning.
My co-worker: It’s pronounced “croissant” and you ate four of them.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them…
I know how that poor guy feels. You could relabel that 2021 and Impish Dragon and it would be perfect.
Not THIS dragon’s treasure, obviously. That would solve too many damn problems.
No Car Seat
No Seat Belt
No Bike Helmet
Bed of Pickup Riding
Garden Hose Drinking
I paid my teenager $10 to do the dishes.
Then on his way to the bathroom, I mugged him because it’s my job to teach him life lessons.
Who would’ve thought one day we’d be smoking weed at a family gathering, but the illegal part would be the family gathering.
Come on! We’re all going to Hooters! I’m buying!
Cashier: Your total is $18.53
Me: [gives cashier $20.53]
Cashier: [blank stare for 45 seconds…stuck]
Me: Just give me $5 back…
Cashier: That’s what I thought it was…just had to make sure…Here you go.
As far as I’m concerned, that’s a life lesson and the cashier deserves everything they get.
You might be a Redneck if you use bubble-wrap under your front doormat as your alarm system…
Okay, so for those of you who don’t read the comments, let’s share here…
So MANY of you kids won’t get that one. Here, I’ll help you out…
Oh…by the way…Impish’s favorite band of all time. Seen them live like 8 times.
My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. That’s ridiculous, I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Irony is when someone writes, “Your an idiot.”
How about a little more…
I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
Yeah…no shit. This one owes out his ass, is suffering out his ass, I want to know where the fuck MY WHITE PRIVILEGE is???!!!
Well, it’s California. He IS the only one in the picture comitting a felony.
Boy, ain’t that the truth. My favorite author, Robert Heinlein, once wrote something to the effect that writing is easy, just sit down behind a typewriter and open a vein. I have agonized over a paragraph as much as I have over a child. The correct word, in the correct spot, in the correct sentence, can make all the difference in an entire piece. Oh, and the part about The Elements of Style is not a bad idea, either.
Without Freedom of Speech we would not know who the idiots are.
No matter how long you have traveled in the wrong direction, you can always turn around.
The most terrifying moment in life is when the toilet refuses to flush at someone else’s house.