Dragon Laffs #1908


Fathers Day

Good Morning Campers,

Yes, I know according to you reading this, Father’s Day was yesterday, but according to me, writing this, Father’s Day is today…so…Happy Father’s Day.  My son, daughter-in-law, and grandkids came by yesterday to help with some yard work.  I got the grandsons working in the backyard with my son, I was mowing in the backyard and my son said he had to go in and use the bathroom.  When he didn’t come back, I thought he was around front cutting down a tree (a small one) that I asked him to take down that was beginning to interfere with the wires running to the house.  I didn’t think anything of it.  I got done with the backyard and wondered into the house to get a drink and when I went in there was a brand new TV, much larger than the old, out-dated TV, sitting in the living room.  They had snuck it in the front door while I was busy with the grandsons in the backyard and had gotten it all set up.

I’ve been meaning to update my TV, since it won’t run a lot of the newer apps like Disney +, which I’ve had to watch on my tablet.  I’ve held off on watching the second season of the Mandalorian because I was kinda waiting to see if I could get a new TV.  Now I have one and I am now watching as I’m typing this issue.

So … it was a nice Father’s Day.

I hope all of you had just as nice a day.

Let's Laugh

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I have another update!  And it’s a huge update.  Thanks so much to William E. for his wonderfully huge donation.  It was extraordinarily generous and very much appreciated. You guys are so wonderful.

So, our list so far:

Steven H.
Dan T.
Leah H.
Carlos W.
Ray S.
William E.

Thank you all so very much.  You are all so very special and generous people.

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How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, it’s not five, because my basement is still dark.

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Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?

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I got angry with my sister and put Nair hair removal on her pillow; thankfully she smelled it first before putting her head on the pillow.  I was severely punished …

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Dragon Pix

Battle for Dominance

“Where’s the remote?”  “I don’t have the remote!”  “Give me the damn remote!”

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Yes… I know it was bad … but it was also cute.

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You all are making your kids soft.  When I was 5 I died once and my momma made me walk it off …

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Fantasy

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They called us gypsies, tramps and thieves …

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Thanks Lynn…

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This next one is from Lynn.  And you know that I have always been a proponent of women (a big fan, I am) and a true believer in the fact that they are indeed the stronger gender.  But, this essay, entitled: Why Women Are Crabby, is truly marvelous.

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We started to ‘bud’ in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary’s Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee’d our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain, all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, ‘Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. ‘Just one more good push’ (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels, only to find that when all that ‘cute’ wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their ‘Teen Years.’ Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40’s – while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: ‘The Menopause,’ the Grandmother of all womanhood. It’s either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned ‘buds’ or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easily, INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks…

So, while I love being a woman, ‘Womanhood’ would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the ‘weaker sex?’ Yeah right. Bite me.

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What Is Butt Dust? 

What, you ask, is ‘Butt dust’? What do you do or say, when an innocent child asks you something so innocent and they are so serious? Read on and you’ll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, ‘If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.’

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. ‘I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.’

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ‘Please don’t give me this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough.’

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: ‘How much do I cost?’

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’ Concerned, James asked: ‘What happened to the flea?’

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget….

This particular Sunday sermon… ‘Dear Lord,’ the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. ‘Without you, we are but dust….’ He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, ‘Mom, what is butt dust?’

Make sure you pass this one on and spread the smiles…

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Aaanndd….sadly so many of you youngsters out there ain’t gonna get that one, either.

That awkward moment when you spell a word so wrong that even autocorrect is like, “I got nothin’ man…”

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I just cleared out some space in the freezer sounds much more productive than I just polished off another pint of ice cream.

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Motivational

Doesn't Matter

dogs

Dogs2

Dogs3

Doing it wrong

Doing it wrong2

dolphin torpedos

Domestic Violence

Donald Duck

Dont ask Dont tell

Don't Ask

Dr. McCoy

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I attended a rock concert performed by Styx and the Rolling Stones.  I returned with broken bones.

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Fact 1:  Reading can make you a better conversationalist.Book2

Fact 2:  Neighbors will never complain you are reading too loud.

Fact 3:  Knowledge by osmosis has not yet been perfected, so you’d better read.

Fact 4:  Books have stopped bullets.  Reading could save your life.

Fact 5:  Dinosaurs did not read.  Look what happened to them.

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Sadly, that’s me running out of time.  I had something come up and had to leave the computer.  No, everything is okay, but I had to leave the house for several hours and no it is well past my bed time and I must work in the morning, so I’m finishing this up and calling it a night so you guys will have something to read tomorrow.  I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and a Happy Father’s Day to all of you.  Be well, be happy, be loved.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1908

  1. Bill F says:

    How do I send you a good one??

  2. Leah D says:

    I mailed my taxes, March 23. I have been checking the status online, but they show nothing. They gave me a phone number to call if I needed help. I called. It put me through the same routine as they have online. And gave me the same answer, they have no information.
    I’m thinking if I owed them, I would get a lot more help!

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