Good Morning Campers,

Well, it’s been a week…and for that, I apologize.  Thank you all for understanding.  I haven’t had a day off in over two weeks, I’m fighting with higher headquarters, family members are sick … sigh.  It’s like, come on!  Can we just put a little bit of more stress on Impish?  Scientists have a name for tests like that.  It’s called a destructive test or something like that.  It’s where you push a device or a piece of machinery to the point of failure.  That’s what I feel like life is doing right now, but you know what?  They ain’t gonna get me down!  They may slow me down, but they ain’t gonna get me down! 

So, let’s get to laughing and chase this bullshit away!

In my life I’ve bought at least 20 pairs of nail clippers because I lost the last pair, but I never take them out of my house meaning there’s at least 19 places I haven’t seen in my own house.

When you become the world’s oldest person, you can’t lose that title for the rest of your life.

There should be a medical bracelet for “delete my internet history”.

To boldly go where no man has gone since.

Andy Rooney was one in a million.  At the end of ’60 Minutes’ he usually had his own 10 minute segment that, unbelievably, was never censored by CBS.  He’s probably the only one who could have gotten away with this.  May he rest in peace.

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Andy Rooney once said . .

“I don’t think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers.

The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America.

Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens……Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer.

You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, which is why there are no girls allowed. 

Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!  ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE ?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion..

I have the right ‘NOT’ to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling; it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! 

As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn’t die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I think the police should have every right to shoot you if you threaten them after they tell you to stop.

If you can’t understand the word ‘freeze’ or ‘stop’ in English, see the above lines.

I don’t think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc.., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don’t hate the rich; I don’t pity the poor. 

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television.  That doesn’t stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more 

If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that’s better, and put your name on the building.

It doesn’t take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say ‘NO!’

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don’t pretend they are a political statement.

And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don’t want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of ‘Political Correctness.’  I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be ‘African-Americans’?  Besides, Africa is a continent.
I don’t go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. 

I am proud to be from America and nowhere else, and if you don’t like my point of view, tough…”.

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!

[A girl who caught me looking at her very toned legs in jeans]

Her:  Whatcha looking at?

Me:  Sorry.  Your legs look great in those jeans.

Her:  You should see me without them.

Me:  Why would you take off your legs?

 

“Honey, I’m home!”

This is really cool.  Thanks to Leah for sending it in.

A knocker-upper was someone whose purpose was to wake people up during a time when alarm clocks were expensive and not very reliable. They earned about six pence a week using a pea shooter to shoot dried peas at the windows of sleeping workers in East London, 1930s. She would not leave a window until she was sure that the workers had woken up.

[One response was:   “I recall that when my mothers cousin came to visit from Ireland she asked my dad if he would kindly knock her up in the morning before he leaves for work. Needless to say everyone looked at her innocent face and burst out laughing”

Another was:  “Had a girlfriend from England, while attending med school in Belgium. On our first date, she asked me to knock her up in the morning. Classic example of miscommunication.”

And a final:  I remember the look on my mother’s face after we first got to England and owner of the hotel we were staying, asked Mom if she wanted to be “knocked up” in the morning.’

Some of these are pretty good, but for the most part I’m blaming these puns on Joe from NJ.  LOL.

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

11 I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

12. My friends and I have named our band “Duvet”. It’s a cover band.

13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

14. Why is “dark” spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar, and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people it’s a whole sentence.

19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are, and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

“Time for your bedtime story.”

MILITARY SERVICE REQUIREMENT

Trey Gowdy , a former South Carolina Congressman, responded to a question from a CNN reporter about the ban of transgenders from joining the U.S.  armed forces. 

As Trey typically does so very well, he nailed it rather succinctly.

Question:  How can President Trump claim to represent all U.S citizens, regardless of sexual orientation, when he banned transgenders from joining the military?  Isn’t that discrimination?

Trey Gowdy’s Response: Nobody has a right to serve in the Military.  Nobody!  What makes you people think the Military is an equal opportunity employer?  It is very far from it – and for good reasons – let me cite a few”

The Military uses prejudice regularly and consistently to deny citizens from joining for being too old or too young, too fat or too skinny, too tall or too short. 

Citizens are denied for having flat feet, or for missing or additional fingers.” he went on to explain:  “By the way, poor eyesight will disqualify you, as well as bad teeth. 

Malnourished?  Drug addiction?

Bad back?  Criminal history?  Low IQ?  Anxiety?  Phobias?  Hearing damage?  Six arms?  Hear voices in your head?  Self-identification as a Unicorn?  Need a special access ramp for your wheelchair?”

“Can’t run the required course in the required time?  Can’t do the required number of push-ups?  Not really a morning person?  and refuse to get out of bed before noon? All can be legitimate reasons for denial”

“The Military has one job:  Winning War.  Anything else is a distraction and a liability. Did someone just scream?  That isn’t Fair?  War is VERY unfair, there are no exceptions made for being special or challenged or socially wonderful.”

“YOU must change yourself to meet Military standards and not the other way around.”

“I say again: You don’t change the Military – you must change yourself.  The Military is not about being fair, it is about taking advantage of others and about winning.

The Military doesn’t need to accommodate anyone with special issues.  The Military needs to Win Wars and keep our Country safe – PERIOD!”

“If any of your personal issues are a liability that detract from readiness or lethality…  Thank you for applying and good luck in future endeavors.”

“.Any other questions?”

Been sayin’ it for years.

Why is it acceptable for people to be complete frickin’ idiots…

But not acceptable for me to point it out?

I’m not saying I would die without my morning coffee …

I am saying other people would.

That has to be it for today my friends….

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers,

Impish Drago