Dragon Laffs #1737


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Good Morning oh great and glorious campers,

It’s Monday evening and I’m starting this, probably won’t get a chance to finish it until Tuesday, like I figured, but I guess we’ll see.  Spent the day at work today, didn’t accomplish what I set out to accomplish, but it was still a good day.  It was weird spending the day in the office after not being there for so long.  It’s going to be even weirder when I get to go back full time.  The place was empty.  I think we were the only ones there.  I’m going back again tomorrow morning, but only going to be there for the first half and then coming back home for the second half…at least I think that’s how it’s going to work.  But, I’m sitting here now with my laptop on my lap, trying to get my email to work and it’s not working and after the day I’ve had, my frustration level is way over the top, so maybe this isn’t the best way to spend my time…

Maybe I need a drink…

LOL!

Well, let’s try a restart on the computer and see if that helps.

Okay, that’s better…

Oh, here’s something…and something that a lot of you may not remember…it was 40 years ago today that Mount St. Helens Exploded…yeah, good times!

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Something else the democrats cooked up to spoil another election.  NO!  I’m kidding!  Geez!  Lighten up people!

Okay, and I guess we’re not going to get to the laughs just yet, cause here’s something else that’s cool that I got from Kim Komando, What did the Hubble telescope see on your birthday?  It’s a cool website, type in your month and day and it shows you what it was looking at.  Here’s mine from December 24, 2009

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Galaxy NGC 4214

The dwarf galaxy NGC 4214 is ablaze with young stars and gas clouds. This image captures intricate patterns of glowing hydrogen shaped during the star-birthing process, cavities blown clear of gas by stellar winds, and bright stellar clusters.

Oh crap, forgot to put in the website, let me track it back down real quick… https://www.nasa.gov/content/goddard/what-did-hubble-see-on-your-birthday

There you go!

Now, finally, let’s get to some of the laugher, shall we?

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As summer arrives, so we dig out shorts or do we cut the legs off our pajamas?

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Okay, now there is a whole bunch of pictures of children that, if they weren’t ours, they would probably be dead.  But, I want you to think about something as you look at some of these, how much of a parent do you have to be to stop, before you fix the situation, to take a picture…

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If I’m not mistaken, those are 100 euro notes, are they not?

All I can say is…wow!

Police have been contacted in response to the murder hornets.  They are using the SWAT team to set up a sting operation.

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Mandatory temperature screenings will be required for fans attending the Foreigner reunion concert.  If you’re hot blooded they’ll check it and see.

No dammit, I’m not explaining it!  Google it!

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So, in retrospect, in 2015, not a single person got the answer right to “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?”

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China claims that Coronavirus came from an old bat, but Pelosi denies having been involved.

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Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

 

A guy at Kroger asked me if I know where Engagement, Ohio is.  I said, “It’s between Dayton and Marion.”

And here’s an oldie but goodie from Leah…

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.  When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.  So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.  “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains. “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”

“It hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

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Did a load of pajamas so I would have clean work clothes this week.

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If you see my kids crying outside and picking weeds just keep on driving.  They’re on a field trip.

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Thanks to Lynn for sending us this next one:

Pool Noodle Hats Are the New Way to Enforce Physical Distancing in Germany

 

The straw hats were created as a gag but they are proving to be very popular on social media.

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One German cafe found an original solution to this dilemma: hats with pool noodles on them. Yes, you read that right.

Cafe Rothe in Schwerin had a grand reopening last Saturday and to ensure everyone respected social distancing rules they handed out straw hats that kept people away from each other using pool noodles. Okay, the hats were more of a prank, owner Jaqueline Rothe explained, but the gag sure drew a lot of attention.

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Got a GREAT letter from Tom J. 

I know Dragons are curious creatures (Well, I heard that somewhere). You have told us about your job, but few of us campers have let you know what we do. I retired a few years ago. I had a job where it was ok to get “high” at work. Here I am hanging around and cleaning windows at one of the buildings at Oregon State University, home of the Beavers. I was looking through some old pictures and saw this. I always liked it because of the mirrored windows reflecting the clouds. The little one man stage is called a Spider and has an electric winch with a hook on the roof. Thought you might enjoy it.

Tom.

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Yes, we are way curious creatures, Tom!  And that is a super awesome picture!  Thank you so very much for sharing it with us.  What a cool gig.  Hanging around on a spider getting to be way up high.  What a tremendous amount of jokes you must have had on the job for that one!  And all the windows you got to peek into.  Man, what a great gig!

And if you want to send in pictures to share we’d LOVE to share them!  Send them to impishdragon@gmail.com and we’ll post them right here, just like Tom.

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Witches don’t fart.

We cast smells.

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Breaking News: I’ve just been handed this newest timeline by the latest psychics:

January 2020:  Australia is on fire
February 2020:  Kobe dies
March 2020:  COVID-19 is coming to kill us
April 2020:  Economy tanks; UFOs are real
May 2020:  Giant Murder Hornets <—you are here
June 2020:  Underground crab people are discovered and they eat humans
July 2020:  Apes with guns on horseback come for the human race
August 2020:  Godzilla comes out of the ocean and he’s pissed
September 2020:  Zombie outbreak as a result of the COVID-19 vaccine testing
October 2020:  My Little Pony turns out to be real and they eat humans also
November 2020:  Second wave of crab people
December 2020:  Cthulhu comes out of the ocean and he’s pissed
January 2021:  Aliens invade planet earth
February 2021:  Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl
March 2021:  Rapture
April 2021:  Avengers 5 comes out

Oh wow!  Avengers 5!  Something to look forward to!

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The Secret to Eternal Happiness:

A great sense of humor and a dirty mind.

~ The Book of Impish

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Sounds like thunder outside, but with the way 2020 is going, could be Godzilla.

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I may have used this one before, but it cracked me up so I’ll use it again:

I’ll never understand guys who pay dominatrices to degrade them.  Just get married and fold the towels wrong, dude.

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In 20 years when kids ask about the 2020 toilet paper shortage, I’m telling them we had to drag our butt’s across the lawn.

In the snow.

Uphill.

Both ways.

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What do you call it when an inmate gets tazed?

Shock-a-con.

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I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes, but instead I accidentally get … well you know … Oreos.

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I damn well shouldn’t have to explain that one to anybody!!!

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And it’s a special “Holy Shit” Edition of Motivational Posters Today!!!

holy crap velociraptor

Okay, so the first one was technically a “Holy Crap”

Holy Fing Wow

Okay, so technically, they weren’t either, but they were all stuck together and alphabetically, they were in that spot so they stay.

Holy S

Okay, that’s better

Holy S2

Holy S3

Holy S4

Holy S5

Holy s6

Holy S7

Holy S8

Holy S14

Holy S15

Holy S16

Holy S17

Holy S19

Holy Shit

I know, the last two kinda went off topic, but they were still Holy Shits so …

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No shit!!!!!  I am so sick and tired of hearing that term.  There is no such thing as “New Normal”

Damn!

       Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a 4th grade class. They were in the middle of a  discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy.’ So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy.’

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said Pelosi, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explained Pelosi. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said: “If the plane carrying you was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Pelosi, “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” says Johnny, “It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn’t be an accident either!”

The teacher left the room.

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Death Wish Coffee?  Now that sounds like something I’m going to have to try.

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Okay, I don’t want to seem insensitive or not politically correct or some other snowflake kind of thing, but I just went to Google to find out what Pansexual meant (not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity)  which made me think of someone who is bisexual so right below that was the question, what is the difference between bisexuality and pansexuality and the answer was (and I’m quoting here) Bisexuality refers to a person who is attracted to people who are the same gender as themselves, as well as those of different genders.  Okay, I got that.  Pansexuality is an identity label used to describe a person who is attracted to all gender identities. And then I looked down a little further and saw a clickable link from ABC news: Here’s a list of 58 Gender Options for Facebook Users and right below that: search for: What are the 64 genders?  Um … Gender right?  Male or Female.  Then apparently we can break that out into Gender Identities?  Again, not trying to be insensitive one way or the other here, truly.

I’m a man.  I’m a man that feels like a woman.
I’m a woman.  I’m a woman that feels like a man.
Now the match ups.
I’m a man that is attracted to a woman
I’m a man that is attracted to a man
I’m a man that’s attracted to a man that feels like a woman
I’m a man that’s attracted to a woman that feels like a man

if you do that both ways I get a total of 8

Where the fuck are they getting 64 gender identities from?

I mean really!

You can’t possibly count “I’m a man attracted to a rutabaga” because then 64 isn’t near large enough!  You’re gonna need thousands!  There’s a bunch of wackjobs out there! 

And NO!  I’m not clicking on the link to find out.  I’m just ruminating with my friends around the campfire, because that’s what old dragons do, dammit!

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Hell, mine too!

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What’s a lunch break?

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Hey, I thought it was a pretty good dad joke.

Now, a couple of quick personal notes:

To Danny M:  You’re very welcome Danny!

To Chuck G:  Thank you so much Chuck, that was so very generous!!

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So what do you say we do some Calvin and Hobbs and then call it a day, shall we?

 

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And that my dear friends and family, my fellow campers on the campground of life, brings us to the end of another installment of your favorite ezine.

I hope you had as much fun as I did and until we meet again.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1737

  1. Leah D. says:

    Like the little grape bunch. One year for Halloween, My husband went as a grape bunch, and I went as a bottle of wine. Would send a picture, but I would have to scan it in…. and I haven’t had enough coffee yet.
    Yesterday, for the First Time, they published a report breaking down the covid facts by Utah cities. I live in West Valley City, which has the highest rates. But Utah does not have high numbers compared to so many other States.
    I’m thinking about dragging out my bottle costume, which I made out of some pliable plastic, wearing it, and safely go out into the world.

  2. Tom Harlander says:

    That looks like it might be Chairman Mao on the notes, I thought Euros had multiple colors. Just checked, 100 Euro notes are green.

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