Dragon Laffs #1689–Day 4


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Good Morning Campers,

And welcome to Day 4… Friday… Which you are reading on Saturday…

I ran to the store first thing this morning and they seemed to have everything…everything that is, except what I went for.  Distilled water.  There was plenty of regular water, meat, groceries, toilet paper, everything except distilled water which I use in my CPAP machine.  I’m not out yet and I don’t use very much each day, and at a push I can use regular water, but it’s odd that now for over a week, that is the one thing that hasn’t been restocked.

And today the United States became the number one infected country in the world with the COVID 19 virus… says so right there on the John Hopkins University map.  The one that everyone is using as being the most accurate account … and it is.  But, let’s be realistic.  It can only be as accurate as the numbers that are being reported.  The United States has the highest numbers because we are reporting the highest numbers and why are we reporting the highest numbers?  Well, a couple of reasons.  #1, we are the most honest.  #2, we have the most test kits because we are spending the money to make the test kits.  Now, I’m not saying that Italy isn’t honest or spending the money.  They are both of those things, but we are a lot bigger than Italy is so it is only logical for us to pass them, but for us to pass China?  The place where it started?  The place that caused this whole mess to begin with?  You know they aren’t being honest, hell half their country isn’t reporting anything.  So, you know we haven’t really surpassed them. 

And in all honesty, the numbers are just an indicator.  There’s a hell of a lot more people sick with this virus than the numbers show.  There are people who have this who have no idea they have this, who are merrily passing it along, that’s why it’s so important for you to stay home and stay safe.  WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS!  I PROMISE.  But please don’t think it’s nothing.  Please don’t think it’s a fake.  It might be hyped up by the press, but it’s still dangerous and you need to stay home and protect yourselves and your families.

Okay, enough serious stuff for now, we have all day for more serious stuff, let’s do some smiling, shall we?

437

STOP!!!! What the fuck is a Testicle Festival!?!?  According to Wikipedia…

Testicle festival

A visitor consuming a deep-fried testicle at the Tiro Testicle Festival

A testicle festival is an event held at several small towns which the featured activity is the consumption of animal testicles, usually battered and fried.[1]

The oldest such festival takes place in Byron, Illinois, US and features turkey testicles. Similar festivals in the US are held in Deerfield, Michigan; Olean, Missouri; Tiro, Ohio; Oakdale, California; Ashland, Nebraska; Huntley, Illinois; Stillwater, Oklahoma;[3]Salmon, Idaho[4] Clinton, Montana, and Dundas, Wisconsin some of which feature cattle testicles.[5][6] The Montana State Society has held an annual ‘Rocky Mountain Oyster Festival’ in Clinton, Montana since 2005.

Every year in September the villages of Ozrem and Lunjevica in the municipality of Gornji Milanovac, Serbia, hosts the World Gonad Cooking Championship. The festival serves up a variety of testicles, including wildlife. It also gives awards for “ballsy” news makers. U.S. President Barack Obama and pilot Chesley Sullenberger won awards in 2010.

Oh my dear Lord…………….  Okay …………….. um ………………. ahem …………….. I’m gonna go get another cup of coffee ……… ah ………… liberally strengthened with my brother Jameson’s favorite additive ……… and you guys go ahead and continue on without me for a few …………. (Can we PLEASE go back to boobies!)

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Okay, so …. shhh! …. I shouldn’t tell you guys this, but I trust you … and being in the Air Force … and being a super secret dragon like I am … and seeing as how the Air Force runs Area 51 and all … I’m gonna let you know what really is out there …. but you have to promise not to tell …. anyone!

Not ANYONE!

So, the last time I was out there … hold on… there’s someone at the door…

So, I’m back.  Sorry, as I was saying.  The Alaskan muskrat is an amazing animal.  It … sorry?  What do you mean, that’s not what we were talking about?  Area 51?  No, I don’t know shit about Area 51.  Okay, moving on to more laughter and that’s the LAST TIME ANY OF YOU WILL SAY ANYTHING ABOUT AREA 51!!!! ARE WE CLEAR ON THAT!!!!!

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Thanks to John S. for this next history lesson:

This is a bit of history that will truly make us thankful.

We definitely need to thank the Chinese.

1. The first recorded use of toilet paper was in 6th Century China.
2. By the 14th Century, the Chinese government was mass-producing it.
3. Packaged toilet paper wasn’t sold in the United States until 1857.
4. Joseph Gayety, the man who introduced packaged TP to the U.S., had his name printed on every sheet.
5. Global toilet paper demand uses nearly 30,000 trees every day.
6. That’s 10 million trees a year.
7. It wasn’t until 1935 that a manufacturer was able to promise Splinter-Free Toilet Paper. Ouch!
8. Seven percent of Americans admit to stealing rolls of toilet paper from hotels.
9. Americans use an average of 8.6 sheets of toilet paper per trip to the bathroom.
10. The average roll has 333 sheets.
11. Historically, what you use to wipe depended on your income level.
12. In the Middle Ages, they used something called a gompf stick, which was just an actual stick used to scrape. Ouch again!
13. Wealthy Romans used wool soaked in rose water, and French royalty used lace.
14. Other things that were used before toilet paper include hay, corn cobs, sticks, stones, sand, moss, hemp, wool, husks,fruit peels, ferns, sponges, seashells, knotted ropes, and broken pottery (ouch!). Ouch is right!  Holy fucking Ouch!
15. 70-75% of the world still doesn’t use toilet paper because it is too expensive or there is not sufficient plumbing.  Okay, wait!  If there isn’t sufficient plumbing for the paper, where does the rest go?
16. In many Western European countries, bidets are seen as more effective and preferable to toilet paper.
17. Colored toilet paper was popular in the U.S. until the 1960s. I find no esthetic value in the color of my ass wipe paper.
18. The reason toilet paper disintegrates so quickly when wet is that the fibers used to make it are very short.
19. On the International Space Station, they still use regular toilet paper, but it has to be sealed in special containers and compressed.
20. During Desert Storm, the U.S. Army used toilet paper to camouflage their tanks.
21. In 1973, Johnny Carson caused a toilet paper shortage. He said as a joke that there was a shortage, which there wasn’t, until everyone believed him and ran out to buy up the supply. It took three weeks for some stores to get more stock.
22. There is a contest sponsored by Charmin to design and make wedding dresses out of toilet paper. The winner gets $2,000.
23.. There was a toilet paper museum in Wisconsin, The Madison Museum of Bathroom Tissue, but it closed in 2000.
24. The museum once had over 3,000 rolls of TP from places all over the world, including The Guggenheim, Ellis Island, and Graceland.
25. There is still a virtual toilet paper museum called Nobody’s Perfect.
26. In 1996, President Clinton passed a Toilet Paper Tax of 6 cents per roll which is still in effect today. Why doesn’t that surprise me?
27. The Pentagon uses, on average, 666 rolls of toilet paper per day. That’s a scarily surprising number.
28. The most expensive toilet paper in the world is the Portuguese brand, Renova.
29. Renova is three-ply, perfumed, costs $3 per roll, and comes in several colors including black, red, blue, and green.  I’m from Hollywood, I have to have it!
30. The CEO of Renova came up with the idea for black toilet paper while he was at a Cirque du Soleil show.
31. Beyonce uses only red Renova toilet paper.  Told ya!
32. Kris Jenner uses only the black Renova toilet paper. Yup!
33. If you hang your toilet paper so you can pull it from the bottom, you’re considered more intelligent than someone who pulls it from the top. (Wonder how this was determined?) roflmao!
34. Koji Suzuki, a Japanese horror novelist best known for writing The Ring, had an entire novel printed on a single roll of toilet paper.
35. The novel takes place in a public bathroom, and the entire story runs approximately three feet long.
36. When asked what necessity they would bring to a desert island, 49% of people said toilet paper before food.
37. Queen Elizabeth II wipes her royal bottom with silk handkerchiefs. Wonder if the royal chambermaid gets to wash those?? Yeah, sure wouldn’t want that job!
38. Muslims wipe their bums with their bare hand— always the left hand. They eat with their right hand. If you are caught shop-lifting, your right hand is cut off, forcing you to eat with your poopy left hand. Yeeeechdt!  They have oil and plenty of money, they can’t afford some of that expensive colored toilet paper?

Okay, waaayyyy more than you ever wanted to know about TP!

400


It seems as though our campers are now beginning to wax poetic with the enforced homeboundedness….okay, so spellcheck is telling me that homeboundedness is not really a word, but I like it none-the-less.  So, put your hands together for Bill the Poet who has a poem for us…

The portions of a woman that appeal to man’s depravity

Have been constructed with considerable care.

And what appears to be a simple hole or cavity

Is really quite an elaborate affair.

 

Now, doctors of distinction who have studied these phenomena

On numerous experimental dames

Have labeled all the portions of female abdomina

And have given them lovely Latin names.

 

There’s the vulva, the vagina, the jolly perineum and

The hymen which is seldom found in brides.

There are lots of little gadgets you’d love if you could see them,

The clitoris and heaven knows what besides.

 

Now isn’t it a pity when we common people chatter

Of the lovely things to which I’ve just referred

That they give to this so vital and so elegant a matter

That we use such a derisive sort of word.

 

I really enjoy Dragon Laffs and thought that you could use this poem.

 

All the best.

 

Bill

 

Thanks Bill!

 

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Mail Call 1

Hey, let’s go to the mail box, because I got a comment from a very special person last night.  A person who is very special to me….let’s take a look:

Marsha A

Keep up the funny stuff….us nurses need it as we go and play Russian roulette 12 hours a day !

Thanks Marsha!  You guys are the ones who need to be applauded and thanked for all that you do!  Nurses have a VERY special place in my heart.  My mom was an RN and some of my very best friends wear scrubs and you guys, like firemen and cops, run into danger, instead of away from it.402

Now, you know I have a spot for the military as well, but we aren’t going there right now, we all need to stand up and applaud these medical professionals who go out and play Russian Roulette on a daily basis FOR US!

applause

applause 2

Thank you for all that you do! 

And look … another comment came in from our dear camper friend  Leah in Utah!  You may not know it, but in the midst of all this Coronavirus stuff, a lot of the people in Utah also dealt with a friggin’ earthquake lately!  Talk about adding insult to injury!

Leah D.

Many of my family are working at home. My oldest granddaughter’s company moved her entire work station to her home. HOWEVER, they didn’t bring her chair! She is begging for an office chair. Since I’ve been thinking about getting a new one, I will buy one online, have it delivered to her apartment. When all of this MADNESS ends, I will take it, give her my old one.

Utah had the best economy in the US, before this. Companies were begging for workers. Now, unemployment has jumped to 20,000!
So all the old people, like me, are in quarantine. I keep thinking that for those grandkids, who still have to leave their house, go out in the middle of the virus to work, we should be keeping the great grandkids here, living with us… did I actually use the word thinking?

Grandkids are one of the greatest gifts God can give us, mostly because unlike kids, when we get tired of them we can pack them up, and send them home to mom and dad…I really can’t think of what my house would be like right now if I was trying to work and I had my three little monster… I mean, adorable grandkids running around at the same time.  Oh my Leah…I don’t know what you are thinking of dear?

And remember, you can reach me by dropping a comment on the website or by emailing me at impishdragon@gmail.com. I want to hear from you.  Tell me how you’re dealing with staying at home.  Tell me how you’re dealing period.  We’ll poke fun together.

436

I think, I’m going to lose my drivers license… and all just because
of a stupid police officer…The conversation went like this, when I
got pulled over in my car:
Officer: “License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!”
Me: “I assure you, I did not drink anything.”
Officer: “Ok, let’s do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on
a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?”
Me: “A car.”
Officer:”Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?”
Me:”I have no idea!”
Officer:”So, you’re drunk.”
Me:”But I didn’t drink anything.”
Officer:”Okay, one more test — Imagine, you drive in the dark on a
highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:”A motorcycle.”
Officer:”Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?”
Me:”I have no idea!”
Officer:”As I suspected, you’re drunk!”
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:”So…, counter question — You’re driving in the dark on a
highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini
skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top.
What is this?”
Officer:”A prostitute of course.”
Me:”Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?”

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date coming right up…

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You wanna watch your spouse flip out?  Clean that junk drawer out!

coollogo_com-31547210

burning calories

burnout

Buttons

Buy a Guitar

Buzzkill

caffeine (2)

Caffeine (3)

20th?  Lightweight!

caffeine

Camera Phone

Camo Cat

Camouflage

camouflage3

camping

For you younger campers out there … here’s a quick look into married life:

 

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Appropriate even before the Coronavirus!

A man is staying in a hotel.
He walks up to the front desk and says, “I’m sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?”
The receptionist replies, “No problem sir.  This is the lobby.”

873

More and more closures and stay at home information.  My work place is now Mission Essential Personnel Only.  Not sure what that entails just yet, but glad I’m working from home.  I’m sure if I’m needed I can be there in a few minutes and in the mean time I’m here where I’m safe.  Right where you should be as well.

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3b

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Respect!  Those are actually some pretty good lyrics!
You youngsters may get that one with the resurgence of Queen lately.

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I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say … um … no.

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I hear ya, bro!

881

No kidding… I see a left wing conspiracy afoot!

Woke up feeling great!
I’m so ready for another big day of hand washing and
looking out the window!

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Imagine surviving all this unprotected sex only to die of unprotected handshake.

404

Yeah, because we’re idiots…. and speaking of being idiots.  Izzy dragon told me of what the latest viral challenge is going around.  The “kids” are challenging each other to go around and licking a public toilet seat!  Can you imagine the stupidity.  Like eating tide pods.  She told me of a video of a twenty-something guy who had a video of himself licking a toilet seat and then a week later another video of the same guy from a hospital bed crying that he had the coronavirus … can we all say it together …

0a


The challenge started on Tik-tok, big surprise there!  Can you toe-scum idiots not understand how stupid this is?  I’ll not mention his name here, because I don’t want to give this orc-brained nose-picker any kind of mention, but he’s one of those fuck heads who taped himself licking ice cream and then putting it back in the freezer.  All I can say is, I hope he never procreates, our species does NOT need his genes in our pool!

The really scary thought is that they can vote!

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Now I KNOW  a bunch of youngsters won’t get that reference!

And now I’m going to end this issue with an absolutely hilarious post from our camper Lynn! She even included a picture for us:

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Last night on my evening walk, I completely lost my mind because ahead of me was a white rabbit sitting upright, waiting for me on my path. I could not believe it.

I took out my phone to take its photo. It didn’t move, I wondered if it was an early Easter decoration, but it was too far down on the road and not in front of a home.

I thought–it’s frightened so it’s staying still, take it slow. I walked up to it little by little, carefully, not to frighten it.

Friends, I just spent a very slow ten minutes walking up to a plastic bag of dog poop.

I’m not sure what social distancing is doing to you, but I’m apparently hallucinating white rabbits…

Thanks Lynn, that’s the perfect way to end today’s issue!  You guys all take care, be 412well, stay safe, remember your social distancing and beware of white rabbits!

Cheers!

Impish Dragon!

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5 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1689–Day 4

  1. Scott H says:

    My wife laughed out loud at “teachers not the problem”. Keep up the good work.
    For your listening pleasure a little fun with “Quarantine” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3xpRZITi2w

  2. Leah D. says:

    Well, the 3.2 after shocks moved North and East to the airport, because the Magna quake ruptured a trench. Don and I were just talking about how dull it is now. There is still one very noisy car that starts up every morning. Every once in awhile there is a plane or helicopter. Yesterday, we got excited when the kids from across the street came out to move the garbage cans in. I’m beginning to miss the aftershocks, at least they were a break in the dull day!

  3. Diaman MacKedsy says:

    Fantastic issues…Mom

  4. Stephanie Caldwell says:

    Loved the ending from Lynn.The thing sent from Martha A didn’t come through. The space was there, but no message.Love you.

    Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

  5. Leah D Hanson says:

    Those people who get their left hand cut off, starve. Food is served from a communal pot, in which each person dips their hand. Only right hands are allowed to dip into the pot. I know there is a political joke trying to build itself using the ‘right’ definition, but I haven’t had enough coffee this morning!

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