Good Morning Campers,

Spent the week in Alpena, Michigan.  I know I sent you guys a couple of pictures from the trip up there, but then when I got up here, there was like no signal, so I will post this when I return.  I do have a little time at night to work on it, so hopefully it will end up being a fairly decent issue, so in that vein….

Let’s Laugh

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his penis and throws it at the female so she can inseminate herself.  Then the male grows a new penis.  If that isn’t the most epic way to tell someone “Go Fuck Yourself” I don’t know what is.

A belly button is basically a scar from when you got into a knife fight with a guy in a mask after being evicted from your first place.

When a woman laughs during an argument, please know that the psycho part of her brain has just been activated.

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I’d rather not…I kinda want this job.

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

This one is from TJ:

I had just finished having lunch at a nice restaurant and noticed a long line of people waiting to be seated. I decided to have some fun. I picked up the plastic ketchup bottle and squeezed a thin line of ketchup across my neck and let it run a little to look like blood. Then I walked by the line of waiting customers who saw what looked like blood leaking from my throat. I looked at them and said; “DO NOT ORDER THE SWORDFISH!” 

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

If a cow doesn’t produce any milk does that make it a milk, dud? or an udder failure?

I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they’d laugh and laugh and eat a zebra or something.

I told myself I should stop drinking…but I’m not about to listen to a drunk that talks to himself.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.  I’ll let you know.

A HORSE, a CHICKEN and a HARLEY

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
  One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and
began to sink.
  Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get
the farmer for help!
  Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone
to town with the only tractor.
  Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Harley.
  Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with
  a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.
  Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of
the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
  After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s bike,
the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the
powerful bike,  rescued the horse!
  Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the
  farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
  The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
  A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and
  soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
  The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the  large puddle.
  Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing
and he would then lift him out of the pit.
  The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.
  The moral of the story, (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)?

“When You’re Hung Like A Horse, You Don’t Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks”

I have a CONDITION that prevents me from dieting.  It’s called “BEING FREAKIN’ HUNGRY!”

Condoms d0n’t guarantee safe sex anymore… a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Be careful.

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By winds that left her quite nude.
Saw a man come along
And, unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd! 

Mary had a little sheep,
And with this sheep, Se went to sleep.
The sheep turned out
To be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb!

A sexy young maiden named Jill
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

A major electronics company, Siemens, is introducing a tiny necklace cell phone for women. Have you seen this thing? It’s on a chain — you wear it around your neck — it hangs down right here to a woman’s cleavage. The only problem women have with it; when it rings, every guy in the room yells, ‘I’ll get it.’

Have you seen a recent commercial for Viagra? The guy comes home, he’s rushing around, he’s cleaning the house, he’s cooking dinner, he’s setting the table, he’s putting flowers and candles out before his wife gets home. Don’t you think that most women watching that commercial say, “The hell with the sex. Where can I get a pill to make my husband to do all of that?”

An elderly couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, “Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary. We’ve had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there’s something I’ve always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
She hesitates a moment, then says, “Yes, three times, Sidney.”
“Three times? How could that happen?” Sidney asks.
The wife begins recalling slowly, “Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke, and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?”
“Yes, dear, that was really a terrible time” replies the man.
Marsha continued, “And remember when I went to see the banker one night and the next day the bank extended our loan?”
“That’s hard to take” the man says, “but I guess it really was for us, so I can forgive you. What was the second time?”
“Well,” she continued, “do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn’t afford the operation?”
“Yes, of course” the man replies.
“Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he did your operation at no cost?” she explained.
“That’s true” Sidney nodded. “That shocks me, Marsha, but I do understand that you did it out of love for me, and I forgive you. So, what was the third time?”
Marsha lowers her head and says, “Sidney, do you remember when you ran for Country Club President and you needed 62 more votes…?” 

Five Ways To Avoid Shark Attacks

1.  Don’t swim in the ocean.  Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water, also known as oceans.  The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty.  If it is salty, you’re in an ocean.
2.  Listen for the music.  In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvelous documentary film, Jaws.  All shark attacks are preceded by the ‘daah-da, daah-da’ sinister melody, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. 
3.  Swim with fat people.  Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions.  If you know them well, you might even try to switch the suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce.  This will definitely improve your odds.
4.  Don’t go into the water without a knife.  This is not to defend yourself, but to stab the person (aka ‘the decoy’) closest to you — in case of a shark attack.  Once you are sure the ‘decoy’ is bleeding profusely, swim for your life.
And finally…
5.  Don’t panic.
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm.  This really wont help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate your not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember, it’s not always about you!

Lots and lots of new contributors.  Thank you all very much.

This one from Jonathon….

Kinda the way I feel in Alpena right now:

We just walked back from dinner.  Damn good thing that vodka stuff is warming.

I always wanted to lay naked on a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace….

Evidently, Cracker Barrel has a policy against this.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and just feel glad that you are alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again…

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

Lots of Alcohol while TDY….the killer vodka…. my dear friend.

And I’m afraid that has to be it for this week.  Out of time.  I had a great time putting this together for you, I hope you had as great a time reading it.

Love to you all.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon