Good Morning Campers,

Yes!  You are actually really getting two issues this week!  Holy crap!  It’s happening!  Hell has frozen over, the world is coming to an end, and Martha Stewart is going to jail!  Oh shit, never mind.  That last one actually happened.

Okay, so let’s get to the laughing part and we’ll get to the update part throughout…hopefully.

I wish more people were fluent in Silence.

Did a cartwheel the other day, thinking it’s like riding a bike.

 

It’s not.

Okay, that was horrible.

“How can you sleep at night knowing people don’t like you?”

With no underwear in case they want to kiss my ass.

Every morning I long to hold you.

I need you.

I want you.

I have to have you.

Your warmth,

Your smell,

Your taste….

Oh Coffee, I love you!!!

I’ve been hiding from exercise.

 

I’m in the fitness protection program.

 

Okay, so how about we do some of these next:

 

I’m lonely because I got into an argument with the voices in my head today, and now we aren’t talking to each other any more.

I hear someone screaming!

That’s the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store!

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the highway.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

Do you ever feel like your body’s “check engine” light has been on and you’re still driving it like, “Nah, it’ll be fine”?

The turtle can breath through its ass.
Humans have not yet reached this stage of evolution, although many have learned to talk through it.

Okay, and now, let’s do some of these…

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70 mph.

A woman goes into a shop and asks for a maternity bra.

The assistant asks, “What bust?”

She says, “The fucking condom!”

So, seriously…..WTF????!!!

My doctor told me to start killing people.

 

Well, not in those exact words.  He said I had to reduce the stress in my life.  Same thing.

My Four Moods:

1. I need coffee

2. I need a nap

3. I need a vacation

4. I need duct tape, rope, and a shovel

Cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was.  I told him it is between 8 am and 1 pm.

My head hurts.  I think my horns are coming in.

When I was young, I was scared of the dark.  Now, when I see my electric bill, I am scared of the lights.

We haven’t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in quite a while…

I hope he’s okay.

The best things about the good old days was that I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old.

Okay, so that last one was an old one, but Mrs. Dragon laughed so hard, I just had to include it in today’s issue.

And that my friends completes another issue of your favorite ezine.

Until next week.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon