Good Morning Campers,
So Tuesday morning, early, 0230 early to be precise, I got up out of bed to use the bathroom, as happens when you get to be an old man, so, I sat up on the edge of the bed, stood up and promptly fell back down. Luckily, I fell right back on the bed. So, figuring that I’m just tired, I stood up again.
And fell down again.
This is weird, thinks the dragon.
Third times the charm, I figure and stood up again, but this time I concentrate on JUST STANDING.
So I take a step straight ahead to head to the bathroom and I crash to the right, grabbing ahold of the wall to stay standing.
It’s like I’m VERY drunk, without having drank anything. It was the weirdest damn thing I have ever gone through in my whole life. I could not walk in a straight line where I wanted to go. Like that game, when we were kids, where we put our foreheads on a baseball bat and spun around in a circle and then tried to run. But, that normally only lasted a couple of seconds. This went on for hours.
I ended up at Immediate Care and from there to the Emergency Room for almost 12 hours.
“Can you tell us your full name and date of birth?” they said…. for the tenth or twelfth time.
”Yes,” said I.
And they just looked at me quizzically. It’s not my fault they aren’t asking the correct questions.
They were afraid that I had a heart attack or a stroke or that I was having continuous mini strokes. Even though I told them I had the heart of a 19 year-old, they did an EKG.
“Do you know you have the heart of a 19 year-old?” they said.
”So, I’ve been told.” said I.
So, not a heart attack, moving on we did blood tests, CAT Scans, and finally an MRI on my head.
Two doctors, a Physician’s Assistant, a Nurse Practitioner, and an young male orderly standing in my room, concerned looks on their faces. This is going to suck, thinks the dragon.
”Everything is perfectly healthy and normal.” They said.
”Except, of course for the whole falling and not walking thing.” said I.
”Yes, yes. There is that. We’re going to give you medicine for vertigo.” They said.
”Awesome movie.” said I.
Blank looks and a snicker. My estimation of the orderly just went way up.
”You’re to take it three times a day.” They said.
”Evenly spaced out throughout the day or just when I feel like it, so long as I get three?” said I.
Another snicker. I was playing to an audience of one.
Mrs. Dragon says, “Knock it off, Bob.”
The dragon thinks: they’ve been fucking with me for 12 hours and now I’m the one who has to behave? Life is not fair.
The gaggle of medical professionals, thinking that the show is over, begin to make their way out of the room. “Here is a script for the medication, follow up with your family doctor, and the orderly will get you to sign the papers and get you checked out.” they said.
”Thank you.” said Mrs. Dragon.
”Okay, let’s get this stuff signed and get you out of here.” says the orderly. “Can you tell me your full name and date of birth.”
”Yes.” I said.
So, I stayed home today, Wednesday, able to walk a straight line – sort of – but probably not well enough to pass a sobriety test. Hopefully, I’ll be back to work tomorrow, but it’s going to be up to my beloved Mrs. Dragon, also known as the Irish Jail Keeper. She has made it quite clear that I will pass all her tests before she will allow me to drive myself anywhere.
I should be okay, so long as there is no required dancing or singing.
So, I’ll probably add more to this story later, in the meantime, let’s get the laughter started.
I hate starting new relationships. I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for 2 months.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding…is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone.”
Mrs. Dragon: My husband calls me the bomb…Not sure if it’s because I’m super sexy, or I might go off at any minute.
Impish Dragon: Yes dear.
If you’re 40+, it’s time to leave them young girls alone and get you a woman who understands the signs of a stroke.
Dang! What are you trying to say, Stephanie!?
Scientist: Dick bug
Other Scientist: No
Scientist: Penis beetle
Other Scientist: No
Scientist: Cock roach
Other Scientist: Okay, sure
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can’t believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
Don’t blame me…I just repeat them.
Let’s finish off the political stuff with this great picture…
Well, tomorrow is Easter and it wouldn’t be proper to not share some or our favorite Easter funnies. Let’s start with a cartoon and then a joke from Papa Dragon Most Senior.
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
The rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man
“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM.”
The blonde says, “Don’t worry.”
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?”
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(Okay, here it is)
“Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.”
I’m so fricking bored! I’m thinking about knocking on a Jehovah’s Witnesses door and telling them about the power of weed!
Okay, so those were all pretty bad. Sorry.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Test drove a jaguar today. Very fast, but the ride was bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. And I’m pretty sure he tried to bite me.
And that’s it for this week. Have a great day and until we meet again.