Good Morning Campers,

Still here and still hate it!!!!!!!

The amount of money I’ve spent trying to fix this laptop cheaply I probably could’ve bought a new one. 

Getting worse. And I’m getting more frustrated with it every week.

Oh well, it could be worse I suppose.

The main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in place.

Following a tragic shipwreck in the Mediterranean, the body of an attractive young woman was washed up on the beach near St. Tropez.
The gendarme who came across it during his rounds went off to contact the coroner’s office, and when he came back, he was horrified to find his best friend on top of the corpse, going at is as hard as he could.
“Pierre, Pierre!” shouted the gendarme. “That woman — she is dead!”
“Dead!” howled Pierre jumping up. “Sacre bleu – I took her for an American!”

“I taught sex education in the South Bronx, and as a sixth-grade teacher I was told to answer all their sex questions. One kid asked, ‘Is there any part of the woman’s body known as the Volvo?’

Which I thought was a good question. I said, ‘Only on Swedish women.'”

I got married,” said the first tavern regular, “so that I could get laid 3 or 4 times a week.” The other regular replied, “that’s strange; cuz that’s the reason why I got divorced!”

Letter to my BOSS

I have enjoyed working here these past several years.  You have paid me very well and given me benefits beyond belief.  Have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and then pay my estate one year salary death bonus and then continue to pay my spouse my salary with increases until she or he dies, and a health plan that most people can only dream of having. Despite this, I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position.  During this time, I will show up for work when it is convenient for me.  And in addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job

Oh yes, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be coming back with no loss in pay or status.  Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in this matter.  I can, and I will do this.

Sincerely

Every Senator or Congressman running for President in 2020

Are we stupid or what?

When you truly don’t care when or what anyone thinks of you, you have reached a dangerously awesome level of freedom.

WATER IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ELEMENT ON EARTH
Without it, there is no coffee
Without coffee, everyone dies

 

THE RAZOR BLADE IS SHARP, but can’t cut a tree.
THE AXE IS STRONG, but can’t cut hair.
Everyone is important according to their own unique purpose…
NEVER look down on anyone unless you are admiring their shoes.

Answering the phone with, “Sheriff’s Department, Fraud Division” sure has slowed down the telemarketer calls.

For us dragons, that’s not hoarding, that’s just furniture.

You never know what I have up my sleeve.

Today, for example, it was a dryer sheet.

“Seize the moment.  Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.” ~ Erma Bombeck

I’ve gotten quite good at ventriloquism, lately.  Scared the shit out of my gynecologist today…

I hate it when the voices in my head go silent…I never know what those fuckers are planning.

I had my patience tested.
I’m negative.

I actually have a set of these measuring spoons.  Yes, there are actually accurate measurements.

Someone offered me grapes, but I declined.  I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.

Does anyone know which page of the bible explains how to turn water into wine?
Asking for a friend.

So how many salads cancel out a pan of fudge with a side of hot chocolate?
Asking for a friend.

FEDERAL AUTHORITIES RULE THAT YOU CAN NOT BE PRESCRIBED MEDICAL MARIJUANA IF YOU ARE TAKING LAXATIVES.

Apparently, you need to either shit or get off the pot.

Don’t piss off old people.  The older we get, the less “Life In Prison” is a deterrent.

And we gots to have some of these…

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON’T SAY
//////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire….
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it…
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder…
“What the hell was I thinking?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I‘ve always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I’ve changed my mind.
————————————– —————————————-
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life..
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go..
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again.
********************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky , West Virginia & South Dakota )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up,
I think it’s time you kept your promise.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let’s say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I‘m so miserable without you
it’s almost like you’re here.
=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we’re having you put to sleep.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it’s really good pay.

We need to have a “Bring Your Wine To Work Day”

And that is it for today my friends.  Until next time.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon