Good Morning Campers!

Just a couple of weeks left until the greatest show comes back to TV.  What show is that?  It’s a show that’s all about me and my kin.  And I really, really, really want this shirt!!!!

If that’s not enough of a hint for you….well, then let’s jut move on and LAFF!

I grew up all my life believing I was Irish, but thanks to Ancestry.com, I now know I’m just a drunk.

An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.

The terrible mistake

If you give a Muslim a cookie, he’ll complain that it isn’t halal and demand that you provide one that is.
If you give a Muslim a Halal cookie, he’ll demand that you give him a job so he can buy his own cookies.
If you give a Muslim a job, he’ll demand you give him time out to pray.
If you give a Muslim time out to pray, he’ll demand that you respect his prophet.
If you show respect for his prophet, a Muslim will demand that you stop singing your National Anthem.
If you stop singing your National Anthem, a Muslim will demand that you elect him to Congress.
If you elect a Muslim to Congress, he’ll demand that we change our Constitution, so we are no longer allowed to speak freely or have guns or worship the god of our choice (or not any god at all).
If we change the Constitution to what a Muslim demands, he will demand that Sharia Law be followed by everyone in the land.
If Sharia is followed by everyone in the land, then Muslims will be permitted by law to execute anyone who disagrees with them or does not dress like them or does not worship Allah.
Congress, you gave a Muslim a cookie. So did you, London, France, Greece.
Already the newly elected congressional woman from Michigan is criticizing Pence for his Christian values and beliefs.
It’s just starting.
WAKE UP AMERICA !

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I um until they hear me stand up.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

Whoever came up with the phrase, “The freaks come out at night.” has clearly never been to Walmart during the day.

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.  Especially if you don’t know them…

Have you ever looked at someone and thought, “Yep…you have a person locked in your basement.”

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…

She hugged me.

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.  A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Some people couldn’t be nice even if a unicorn shoved a fairy wand up their ass while Judy Garland stood there singing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow.”

I hate it when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.

Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream, “Shut The Fuck Up!” out loud instead of just in my head.

I just rescued some wine… it was trapped in a bottle.

I’ve decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money…I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on.

JUST PLAIN NEAT INFORMATION……… Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times! Gold is the only metal that doesn’t rust, even if it’s buried in the ground for thousands of years. Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end. If you stop getting thirsty , you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off. Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals. Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers. The song Auld Lang Syne is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year. Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent. Drinking a glass of water before you eat may help digestion and curb appetite. Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn’t smoke unless it’s heated above 450F. The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear. Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man. Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density. The University of Alaska spans four time zones. The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself. In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage.  Catching it meant she accepted. Warner Communications paid 28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday, which was written in 1935! Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. A comet’s tail always points away from the sun. The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent. Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines. The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity. If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day. When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight. In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed. Strawberries and cashews are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside. Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams. The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year. The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust. Due to earth’s gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters. Mickey Mouse is known as “Topolino” in Italy . Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down. Everything weighs one percent less at the equator. For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

In the last week or so, I’ve found that two of our very special Dragon Laffs family members are in desperate need of our prayers.  First I found out last week that Diaman and her dear sister Jeannie are suffering physically.  Without their permission, I won’t go into any further details.

And secondly is our dear Ginny.  I heard from her husband Paul just today that Gin is in hospital for breathing problems.

Please, you have been so good and kind and giving in the past with your prayers that I beseech you to add these three wonderful family members to your prayers in the hopes that our Heavenly Father will hear and bless them all.

The Jewish ELBOW
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.
“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There
is a big panel at the front door.  With your elbow, push button 301. I will
buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with
your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left.. With your elbow, hit
my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my
Elbow? ………
“What . . . .. .. You’re coming empty handed?”

Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the
family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I
wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so
you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex
watch instead?”
“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos. ”
“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man.
“Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’ “?

.      Irish Blonde…
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived
at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty
thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”
with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue
yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of the dealers,
picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I
don’t know – I thought you were watching.”
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
….. but all men…are men!

Thanks to Wheats for those last 3 jokes.

I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia.

She whispered, “They’re right behind you…”

Police came round my house last night and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

I said, “Bullshit!  My dogs don’t even have bikes.”

She danced like nobody was watching.

But people were watching and she looked like bees were attacking her.

I’m on two diets now…

I wasn’t getting nearly enough food on just one.

“It’s not about how tired you are.  It’s about how tired you’re making everyone else.”

– My husband explaining bedtime to the kids

I’m not sure if my body can handle much more of this “getting out of bed” nonsense

One more trespasser and my wind chime is complete.

Not only is my short-term memory horrible, but so is my short-term memory.

Okay,  The bills are all washed, the laundry is paid, clothes are in the oven, and the last load of dinner is in the dryer.  It looks like I got my to-do list finished.

And with that, we’ll call it a day.

Love to you all.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon