Good Morning Campers!

And a Happy Saint Patrick’s Day to you all!

What a weekend it’s going to be!

As you are reading this I’m either getting ready for or already at our Darts Banquet for last season.  Here’s how that’s going to play out:

Doors open at noon
Food starts at 1 pm
Awards at 2 pm
First Blind Draw at 3 pm
Second Blind Draw at 7 pm
Done by about midnight.

Alcohol and sharp objects!  Good family fun!

Then on Sunday, we will be having our Family St. Patrick’s Day celebration at the in-laws.  Now, I’m not that Irish.  Just enough to wear green on The Day.  But Mrs. Dragon’s family is VERY Irish.  Her father has claimed multiple times in multiple places to be FBI.  (Full Blooded Irish)  In point of fact, he has claimed to be FBI (Full Blooded Irish) to the FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation) while he was a mailman and had occasion to have dealings with the FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation). 

Yes, it does get a bit confusing. 

Now, fair warning, I’m not sure if there will be an issue NEXT week as, if you can read between the lines and multiply the alcohol, you will see that it will be a difficult week for me recovery wise.

But, we shall see!  Indeed we shall!

So now, let us all begin today’s laffter!!

Just before I die, I’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.  My cremation is going to be EPIC!!

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

“Sir,” she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn’t resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

“What happened?” he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.”

“The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

“MEN NEVER LISTEN”

I’m on a light diet.
I eat by daylight,
I eat by moonlight,
And sometimes I eat by refrigerator light.

I’m glad to see that Lethal is still out causing trouble.

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed  his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect  his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at  their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines. When he’d finished, he went into each and every room  and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow centre of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left. On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new  boyfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out  the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators  were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!…People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house…The maid  quit. Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer,  and decided they had to move, but a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors  refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser,  they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex  called the  woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really  was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day. He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered  the completed paperwork. A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling  as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband… they even took the curtain rods. I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU?

Subject: The ZIPPER

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.  For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.  With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, an older Italian/American name Luigi who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.  She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,

“How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

Luigi smiled and said, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

BADA BING

There are 2 kinds of people in the world:

1. Morning people

2.  People who want to shoot morning people

FUN FACT: In 1770, British parliament banned lipstick, saying it had the power to seduce men into marriage, which was classified as witchcraft.

We have another special day this week.  Wednesday, March 20th, Spring arrives with the Vernal Equinox (also called the Spring Equinox or the March Equinox) at 5:58 pm.  This date and time marks the first astronomical day of spring in the Northern Hemisphere.

The Equinox is the time when the day equals the night, supposedly.  That doesn’t truly happen because the day starts as the first pinpoint of light peeks over the horizon and does not end until the last of the sun slips below the horizon.  If the sun were just a pinpoint of starlight then it would be much closer to being equal.

Regardless of the science.  Wednesday is Spring!  And warmer weather is coming.  I don’t know about you, but I’m sure ready!

1998: “Don’t get in car with strangers.”

2008: “Don’t meet people from the internet alone.”

2019: Uber…Order yourself a stranger from the internet to into a car with alone.

Last year, I joined a support group for antisocial people.

We haven’t met, yet.

I’m sorry, but this one just cracked me up!  Really gonna have to try it out.

Pretty much my goal…except I want to be 115 years-old.

Thought it was time for some political funnies.  Sadly, most of them weren’t funny.

Don’t make excuses for nasty people.  You can’t put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase!

When they walk down the aisle in their underwear it’s “Art” and “Fashion”

When I do it I’m “Drunk” and “Not Allowed Back in Target”

One of my biggest faults is that when I ask someone their name, I forget to listen to what their name is.

Mom: If a stranger come up to you and said, “I’m your mom’s friend, she told me to pick you up.” What would you say?

Kid: I’d say, “You’re lying.  My mom has no friends.”

Mom: Not where I was going, but ok.

Taking a dog named “Shark” to the beach is a very bad idea.

I asked my dog what time it was.  He looked at me and said, “How should I know?  I’m not a watch dog!”

I spent 20 minutes with a mind reader…

She went insane.

Squirrel!

The Left is now protesting fences or walls around cemeteries claiming their voter base can’t get out.

Squirrel!

Once you hit a certain age, you become permanently unimpressed by a lot of stuff.

Nature vs. Technology!

Eagle!

This “Killing them with kindness” is taking way longer then I expected. 

Dammit I’m mad is Dammit I’m mad spelled backwards.

I can’t believe how old people my age are

My super power is holding on to junk for years and throwing it away a week before I need it

I always knew I’d get old.  How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise, though.

I got called “pretty” today!

Well, actually the full statement was “you’re pretty fucking annoying” But I only focus on positive things.

If you weigh 200 pounds on Earth, you’ll be only 76 pounds on Mars.  You’re not overweight, you’re just not on the right planet.

I think senility is going to be a fairly smooth transition for me.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, “Hey look!  That one is shaped like an idiot!”

Be the reason someone smiles today.

Or the reason they drink.

Whatever works.