Dragon Laffs #1635


Christmas2

Good Morning Campers,

It’s been one of those weeks.  Really, really busy.  I haven’t opened my laptop since last week.  I’m afraid to look at this point.

1100+ emails!

Okay, so some of them are left overs….

I’ll never get caught up!

We need to laugh.

And laugh, and laugh and laugh!

Let’s do this!

 

4963

I see they use the same radiologist that my doctor uses.

We’re going to continue with lots of seasonal comics.

6i

Men look at a woman’s behind and think, “Wow!  What an ass!”
Women look at a man’s face and think the same thing.

4964

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After a while, he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.

He does this again and again. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius, absolutely incredible!”

“Genius, my ass – It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”

6j

Only those who truly care about you can hear you when you’re quiet.

4965

What is celibacy?  Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a marriage weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands an d wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men.  “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal – All Purpose, isn’t it?”

And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy.

6k

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.  She told me, “Nothing would make me happier than some expensive jewelry.”

So, I bought her nothing.

4966

I’m dreaming of a White Christmas…but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.

6l

Your crazy is showing.  You might want to tuck that back in.

4967

I wish I could still put videos in Dragon Laffs, but you’ll have to click on the link to see this special gift from Ginny and Paul

A special Christmas gift to you.

Click here

6m

I gotta tell you, my brother, the Owl has a great work place.  He sent me this picture from work:
6

Ain’t that the coolest thing?

Fruitcake Recipe

1 cup water

1 cup sugar

4 large eggs

2 cups dried fruit

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup brown sugar

lemon juice

nuts

1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.

Pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer;

beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.

Turn off mixer.

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.

Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner

Throw the bowl out of the window

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

4968

The Lysol commercial told me to disinfect the things I touch the most.

I have a feeling this is going to burn.

6n

6b

6o

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the LSD wears off and I realize I’m just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Wendy’s parking lot.

6p

Another school shooting in Indiana.  What a horrible, horrible thing to have happen.  This time though, it was only the kid with the guns who got shot and killed, but there are so many unanswered questions.

This pisses me off on so many levels, but thankfully, law enforcement and school officials all did exactly the correct things.

All we know is that the school got a call from someone who saw something and said something.  Someone called the school and told them that someone was planning a violent act.  The officials locked down the school and called the police.  The police showed up just as an armed 14 year-old showed up at the school.  There was a confrontation at one of the doors, the kid shot the glass out of the door and gained entry to the school, but since all the rooms were locked down, he couldn’t get to anyone.

The cops followed him in the school, gun fire was exchanged.  But no one was hurt.  The 14 year-old then shot himself and died.

What sense does any of this make?

I really don’t know what else to say.

6q

Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to stop me from beating one of my coworkers to death with a keyboard.

4969

Caution: When someone says, “get a grip” apparently around their neck is NOT what they meant…who knew?

6r

Thank goodness I don’t have to hunt for my own food.

I don’t even know where tacos live.

4970

The girl called a sex therapist and said, “Remember when you told me the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I found a new route… Now I need some birth control pills.”
The doc asked, “What’s his occupation?”
The girl said, “Army.”
“Active or retired?”
“If he wasn’t active, I wouldn’t need these damn pills, would I?!”

6s

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch!

6t

Last year a young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His very first assignment, for the newspaper who hired him, was to write a human-interest story. He decided to go into the Ozark Mountains to do his research.
He found an old farmer’s house in an isolated section and introduced himself to the man. He then asked him, “Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?”
The old farmer thought for a moment and said, “Yep, one time a neighbour’s sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home.”
“I can’t print that!” the young reporter exclaimed. “Can you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?”
“Yep, one time a neighbour’s daughter got lost. We all formed a posse & found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home.”
“Hell, I can’t print that either!” cried the frustrated reporter. “Has anything ever happened that made you sad?”
The old farmer dropped his head and sit quietly for a few seconds.
Then he timidly replied, “Yep, I got lost once.”

6u

6v

6w

6x

6y

6z

7

7a

7b

7c

7d

We can’t end this issue without some motivationals…

Protect

Protective Custody

Proximity

Prudence

Psychics

Pubic Hare

Pulling Out

Pulling Out2

Pulse

Pure Fantasy

Pure Kentucky Whiskey

And that’s it for today my friends.  May your weekend be Merry and Bright and may all your Christmas shopping be done.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1635

  1. Leah D says:

    Only one present left I have to buy at a store. Now I can sit back and worry that the online orders aren’t going to be here on time; and wrap all the presents, and deliver them all.
    We are on the map likely to have a white Christmas. I just know that will hit as we are driving all over the place to deliver!
    Shame on me! I don’t have to worry about where my next meal is coming from, or how to keep myself alive living in a cardboard box; or will my loved one, dying of cancer, make it through Christmas?

  2. Ginny. says:

    Wow, great issue for the holidays with lots of laughs.

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