Good Morning Campers,
So, I’ve noticed that many, many of you are having the same “not Spring” weather that we are having here at DL & LL Enterprises. Well, I figured out what it is! I solved it! But, I’m not sure what I can do about it. So, here’s the situation:
IT’S A FRIGGIN’ I.T. PROBLEM!!!
Now doesn’t that just figure…
And on top of all that, this is what I have at work…
So, after all this factual information, everybody please stand and join me and let’s all shout it out together…
A teacher asked her class, “What is sex?”
Johnny got up and said, “Sex is a ‘temptation’ caused by a ‘sensation’ where a boy sticks his ‘location’ into a girl’s ‘destination’ to increase the ‘population’ of the next ‘generation’. Did you get my ‘explanation’ or do you need a ‘demonstration’?
The teacher fainted.
Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom.”
Husband: “Next time take the car, silly.”
He’s recovering nicely in the hospital.
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.
There is only one thing worse then the flu season … The tax season. You can recover from the flu.
Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating.
A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, “What are you looking for in that closet?” she asked.
“Nothing,” he snapped.
“Well, it’s not in there. Look under the bed.”
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”
“Really,” he said, “have you tried mouthwash?”
My daughter Michelle is the commander of a Coast Guard Cutter. When she gave my husband Bob a tour of her ship, he was impressed by the neatness of all decks.
However, when Bob went to Michelle’s house with her, he couldn’t believe the disorganization. “Why is everything in its place on your ship,” he asked, “but your house is such a mess?”
“My house,” Michelle said, “does not take 30-degree rolls.”
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. “Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes.”
A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of summers ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in front of his truck. She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough to say that her five- year-old son was sitting on the back of an alligator.
Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was pointing he found the lad astride a twelve foot male alligator which was trying to relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping. As the brave ranger moved in he tried to console the mother by saying, “I think I can grab the boy and move away before the gator moves. Be ready to grab your son. I may have to shoot the gator”
To which the lady replies “Good Heavens, no! Don’t shoot him. I just wanted you to make him hold still for a minute so I could take my son’s picture on his back.”
“This house,” said the real estate salesman, “has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about both.
The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north.”
“What are the advantages?” inquired the prospective buyer.
“The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, “Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.”
So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, “Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I’m having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.”
A lawyer walks into his client’s death row cell and says, “I’ve got good news, and bad news for you.. ” The prisoner says. ” Okay. What’s the bad news? ” “The bad news is that the Governor won’t issue a stay of your execution…you go to the chair at 7 PM tonight.” “Oh, that’s horrible. What possibly could be the good news?”
“The good news is that I got your voltage reduced.”
A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.
The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, “Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?”
“Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?”
“Yes. What can I do for you?”
“I’m calling to report ’bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He’s hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s hidin’ it there.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil’s house.
“Hey, Virgil! This here’s Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Happy Birthday, buddy!”
A FARMER’S LOGIC
You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs.
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This “TRUE” interview went as follows:
The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
The farmer stared at the reporter and said? “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year”?
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.” “Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day .. and only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?”
THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED …
The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don’t have any Mexicans……………….
A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”
“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
”And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
It took 50 yrs. but she’s been found!
“Where have all the flowers gone?….long time passing…. “
Thanks Peter, Paul & Mary for the song with Pete Seeger’s words.
Have you ever wondered what happened…
…to all those really cute and crazy, good-looking, barefoot, young hippie chicks…
… who didn’t wear bras, smoked a lot of weed, got tattooed…
…and had sex with every guy they met during that great “Age of Aquarius” back in the 60s and 70s?
Well, wonder no more!
I found her!
Kinda gets you tingly all over, doesn’t it?
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe… as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”
“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!” Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion from his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
“Master, Master”! …..
“The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”
(I am soooooo sorry…… But you really should’ve seen that coming)
Okay, so I read this last one out loud to Mrs. Dragon and Izzy Dragon. Mrs. Dragon groaned appropriately and the little one said, “I don’t get it.” It so sad that our young dragonettes are so under educated.
Sounds very familiar….
Well, I’d love to keep adding more and more to this, but I have to send it out at some time and the way it is now, it will probably take hours to load. So, have a wonderful week.