Well, it’s almost Halloween and usually, this would be an issue just full of Halloween cartoons and information and jokes and … well, you get the idea.
But, what we have is a couple of old guys who are struggling a little bit right now and don’t have the time to do justice to the holiday, so what you’re going to end up with is mostly a normal issue, with some Halloween stuff thrown in.
Yeah, sorry about that.
But you’re still gonna laugh. So, you got that goin’ for you.
Yeah, that’s really just gotta suck. “Honey, remember that flood we were worried about? Well, we don’t have to worry about it anymore…the house burnt down.” Really suck.
Looking at graffiti on the side of a bridge:
Some People: “That’s vandalism!”
Other People: “That’s Art!”
Me: “How the hell did they get up there?”
Good moms let you lick the beaters…Great moms turn the mixer off first.
That ought to piss off the neighbors. Bet the Home Owner’s Association has something to say about it, too.
We always hear ‘ the rules ‘ from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered ‘1 ‘ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports- It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and if one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials…
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, baseball, soccer or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can to give them a bigger laugh.
Works for me. Would definitely adjust my attitude.
Dear God Letters from Kids
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that ok?
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you got now?
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
In bible times did they really talk that fancy?
I think about you sometimes even when I’m not praying.
I am American. What are you?
I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Please put another Holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
If we come back as something please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
If you give me a genie lamp like Alladin I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.
We read Thos. Edison made light. But in Sun. School they said you did it. So I be he stoled your idea.
If you let the dinasor not exstinct we would not have a country. You did the right thing.
Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So … he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”
That’s just so mean!!!
Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m fucking bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!”
O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”
There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”.
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
“Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ” Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn’t land.”
While taxiing at London ‘s Gatwick Airport , the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew, screaming: ” U.S. Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!!”
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”
Okay, that’s just gross. I don’t care who you are.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple. But with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. The everything crashed.
And with that as being the perfect place to quit, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Have a great week and we’ll see you later.