Dragon Laffs #1563


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Goooooood Mooooorning Caaaaaampers!

So, did I sound like Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam?  No?  Not so much?  Sigh.  Okay, on to something else, then.

So honestly, I spent all my free time building this issue and now I’m out of free time and stuff to say, so whadda ya say we just……

Wooden-3

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Amen to that!  There definitely needs to be a special place in Hell for people who won’t move the heck over to the right where they belong!

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A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.

We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, “Yes!
Lot’s of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”

“I did, they’re in your tackle box.”

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Famous Last Words. 

This is a really good article that I found on the TOR.COM website.  If you read books at all, then you should probably have this website on your favorites list.

5 Things That Obi-Wan Kenobi Should Have Told Luke Skywalker (Instead of LIES)


If you click on the title above, it should take you to the whole article.  Well worth reading, but here’s just a hint to get you started:

Calling yourself “Old Ben” is fine. Saying mean things about someone’s uncle is rude yet necessary. Pretending that you don’t remember your BBF’s old copilot droid is crappy, but saves time. Does that excuse all the outright lies that Obi-Wan Kenobi tells to Luke Skywalker? Maybe if those lies were truly essential to getting the kid to bring down the Empire. But they’re not, so most of those lies (and omissions) are pretty egregious.

Here are a few things that Obi-Wan could have said to avoid the most ridiculous ones. Because let’s face it, most of Ben’s lies are just kind of… ill-conceived.

1. Darth Vader and Your Dad Are the Same Guy, Sorry That Your Dad is Evil

So yeah, for the rest of it, go ahead and click on the link and enjoy.  You’re welcome.

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Yes Ma’am!  You most certainly are!

Dragon pic sign

2008 06 22 01

“Aha, I have you now, evil Dragon!”
”Oh no… Heavens, me …  Not that…wait, what’s that behind you?”
”Behind me?  What…where…”
Gulp! Swallow! “Stupid knights.”

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coollogo_com-32281106

Girls like a man that takes charge.  So, take her to dinner; take her to the movies; take her hostage; take over the government; nuke her ex-boyfriend’s home-town; buy her a kitten.  There is a plethora of ways…

 

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They say milk gives you strength, so I drank 5 glasses and tried to move a wall.  It didn’t budge an inch.

I tried 5 shots of vodka and saw that wall move itself!

 

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LYING AROUND, PONDERING THE PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD, I REALIZED THAT AT MY AGE I DON’T REALLY GIVE A RAT’S ASS ANYMORE.

IF WALKING IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH, THE POSTMAN WOULD BE IMMORTAL.

A WHALE SWIMS ALL DAY, ONLY EATS FISH, AND DRINKS WATER, BUT IS STILL FAT.

A RABBIT RUNS AND HOPS AND ONLY LIVES 15 YEARS, WHILE A TORTOISE DOESN’T RUN AND DOES MOSTLY NOTHING, YET IT LIVES FOR 150 YEARS. AND THEY TELL US TO EXERCISE? ———- I DON’T THINK SO.

NOW THAT I’M OLDER, HERE’S WHAT I’VE DISCOVERED:

1. I STARTED OUT WITH NOTHING, AND I STILL HAVE MOST OF IT.

2. MY WILD OATS ARE MOSTLY ENJOYED WITH PRUNES AND ALL-BRAN.

3. FUNNY, I DON’T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

4. FUNNY, I DON’T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

5. IF ALL IS NOT LOST, THEN WHERE THE HELL IS IT?

6. IT WAS A WHOLE LOT EASIER TO GET OLDER THAN IT WAS TO GET WISER.

7. SOME DAYS, YOU’RE THE TOP DOG, SOME DAYS YOU’RE THE HYDRANT.

8. I WISH THE BUCK REALLY DID STOP HERE, I SURE COULD USE A FEW OF THEM.

9. KIDS IN THE BACKSEAT CAUSE ACCIDENTS. 

10. ACCIDENTS IN THE BACK SEAT CAUSE KIDS.

11. IT IS HARD TO MAKE A COMEBACK WHEN YOU HAVEN’T BEEN ANYWHERE.

12. THE WORLD ONLY BEATS A PATH TO YOUR DOOR WHEN YOU’RE IN THE BATHROOM.

13. IF GOD WANTED ME TO TOUCH MY TOES, HE’D HAVE PUT THEM ON MY KNEES.

14. WHEN I’M FINALLY HOLDING ALL THE CARDS, EVERYONE WANTS TO PLAY CHESS.

15. IT IS NOT HARD TO MEET EXPENSES…THEY’RE EVERYWHERE.

16. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RUT AND A GRAVE IS THE DEPTH.

17. THESE DAYS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT THE HEREAFTER. . .

17A. I GO SOMEWHERE TO GET SOMETHING, AND THEN WONDER WHAT I’M “HERE AFTER”.

18. FUNNY, I DON’T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

19. IT IS A LOT BETTER TO BE SEEN THAN VIEWED.

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Give it a second, you’ll figure it out.

Fantasy Pix sign

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A little gruesome, but I like this one.  It reminds me of my job.

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That’s my daily delivery truck.

The first testicular guard, the “cup” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Okay ladies…quit laughing.

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And that explains pretty much everything you need to know about marriage.

And here’s another really good article, this time from the dollar shave club website:

WHY YOU GET BETTER AT THINGS AFTER ONE OR TWO DRINKS

When it comes to playing darts, I’m no pro. But when it comes to playing darts after a couple drinks, I’m Bullseye: After I’ve had my second glass of whiskey, I become one with the dart, and together we cut through the air, unhibited, on our journey toward the center of the target. It’s feels magical, but it also doesn’t make much sense, because contrary to most things — like driving or operating heavy machinery — a light buzz is tantamount to my success as a dart enthusiast (or any bar game, for that matter). So what makes whiskey the Robin to my bar-gaming Batman? 

So, as many of you know, I also play darts in a weekly league every Tuesday night. And sometimes play in blind draws on Saturday night.  This past Tuesday was my first week back since my surgery, but I can tell you from fact and from direct experience that what the author of this article is saying is 100% fact!

We have one guy on our team who can’t hit the wall, much less the dart board before his second beer.  And there’s another guy in our league is in one of the best players who’s having the worst season of his life because he took a job working late nights and has to go right to work from our dart matches, so he can’t drink anymore while we’re playing.  His average has been shot to hell.

So, click the title to follow the link to finish reading this great article and tell me of your own similar experiences in the comments.

 

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This is an oldie, but goodie…

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey .
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,
but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
—————————— —————————— ———-

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like

I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, likethe old days.
Love, Papa
—————————— —————————— ————
A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don’t dig up that garden.

That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
—————————— —————————— ————
At 4 a.m. the next morning,
FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
—————————— —————————— ————

Dear Papa,

You can go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you…

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Wooden-Groan

broomTwo brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leanedbroom sweeping over and said to the groom-broom, “I think I  am going to have a little whisk broom!”

“IMPOSSIBLE !” said the groom broom.

“WE HAVEN’T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!”

Oh for goodness sake!  I tried to warn you, but you didn’t listen.  So laugh…or at leas groan humorously.  Personally, I think the bride has been sweeping around.

rimshot

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Toys for big kids.

motivational wooden sign

nice try

Night light

Night Vision

Ninja Convention

Ninja Dogs

Ninja Kitten

What?  You thought Lethal was making them all up?

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I think it’s okay…but just to be sure, don’t feed it after dark.

JUST A FEW QUESTIONS:
1- Since only 8 million people have ObamaCare, how will 24 million people die if it is repealed? Will 16 million people be randomly shot?

2- If Donald Trump deleted all of his emails, wiped his server with Bleachbit and destroyed all of his phones with a hammer, would the Mainstream Media suddenly lose all interest in the story and declare him innocent?

3- If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?

4- If you rob a bank in a Sanctuary City, is it illegal or is it just an Undocumented Withdraw?

5- Each ISIS attack now is a reaction to Trump policies, but all ISIS attacks during Obama’s term were due to Climate Change and a plea for jobs.

6- After the London ‘Lone Wolf’ terrorist attack government officials have arrested at least eight other ‘Lone Wolves’ who had conspired with the original ‘Lone Wolf’ in planning the ‘Lone Wolf’ attack. Even though all involved are Muslims, you can be assured, the ‘Lone Wolf; attack has nothing at all to do with Islam, just like the other 1000 plus ‘Lone Wolf’ attacks by Muslims, are completely unassociated with Islam.

7- We should stop calling them all ‘Entitlements’.
Welfare, Food Stamps, WIC, are not entitlements. They are taxpayer-funded handouts, and shouldn’t be called entitlements at all. Social Security and Veterans Benefits are Entitlements because the people receiving them are entitled to them. They were earned and paid for by the recipients.

8- If Muslims want to run away from a Muslim country, does that mean they’re Islamophobic?

9- If Liberals don’t believe in biological gender then why did they march for women’s rights?

10- How did the Russians get Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the DNC to steal the Primary from Bernie Sanders? How did Russia get Donna Brazile to leak debate questions to Hillary Clinton in advance of the debates?

 

11- Why is it that Democrats think Superdelegates are fine, but they have a problem with the Electoral College?

12- If you don’t want the FBI involved in elections, don’t nominate someone who’s being investigated by the FBI.

13- If Hillary’s speeches cost $250,000 an hour, how come no one shows up to her free ones?

14- The DNC is mad at Russia because they ‘think’ they are trying to manipulate our election by exposing that the DNC is manipulating our election?

15- Why is it that Liberals and the Media are upset about the words Trump used 11 years ago but they are alright with Adult men using the Ladies Room with your Wives and Daughters?

Those are some really good questions…so why don’t we have any really good answers?

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Amen

A marriage broker goes to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

“Mr Cohen, don’t let it get too late. I have exactly the woman you need. You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” says the marriage broker.

“Don’t bother,” replies Mr. Cohen, “I’ve two sisters at home, who look after all my needs….I am happy with that arrangement.”

“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”

“I said ‘two sisters’…. I didn’t say they were mine!”

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And that’s it for today folks. 

Don’t forget, we’re still taking donations to help defray the cost of keeping this great ezine up and running.  Just go to the top of the page to the right and click the word donation and pass us a couple of bucks.  Every little bit helps.

Thanks.

Impish Dragon

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1563

  1. Ginny. says:

    WOW, as busy as you are you managed to make a GREAT blog that was funny, enjoyable
    and very informative for all of us. Thanks, enjoy your weekend, hope they don’t have you working. Keep them donations coming, we wouldn’t want to lose our Dragon Laffs. They
    work so hard to keep us laughing, so the least we can do is send our donations to pay the
    bill….

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