Dragon Laffs #1555


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As you enter the normal campground where Impish usually does his Saturday thing, you notice the stage is bare, with a curtain across the back, covering a large video monitor.  As you take your seat, Ginny and Diaman come out from off stage left and right and draw back the curtains.  The monitor comes to life and there is Impish sitting in a relatively straight backed chair facing the camera.

Good Morning Campers,

I have to state first and foremost, right up front and center, in the beginning without any preamble, with no pause or…

Come on fat boy, get on with it!

Um… yeah …. ah ….. damn it!  Now I lost my place!  I have to state first and foremost, right up front and …

The sound of a gun shot rings out!

Hey!  That was too close.  That must’ve been one of you Marines out there!  Get that close without actually hitting me or anything else of value.  Now look.  I’m just trying to say thanks to all of you well-wishers who’ve sent comments via the blog, sent me emails and text messages and even a couple of phone calls, but as you can imagine, the phone calls are the hardest with trying to recover.  I spend a lot of time napping on and off and you are just as likely to catch me awake at 3 am as you are at 3 pm.

But thank you.  It means so very, very much to me.

Well, let’s get you all caught up. 

Last Saturday-you got my last issue prior to my surgery.  It was a busy day.  My last work day for a while, so there was a lot to do to make sure that o matter how long I was gone, there was going to be an office to come back to and all that goes along with preparing for taking several months off work.  I taught my last CBRN Defense Survival Skills Class for a little while and set everything up so that I can work from home as soon as my doctor releases me for home-work (“telework” is what they call it in the Air Force) which Should be after about 2 weeks post surgery.

Sunday-was a day of relaxing and getting things ready around the house.  Yeah, the relaxing part didn’t go over very well, and …I guess I’m as ready as I’m going to be.

Monday-showed up at the hospital about 0615 hrs.  I had some paperwork and such to fill out, they gave me some really cool looking clothes to wear, with this awesome silver heat hat to wear.  Made me look like I had a jiffy pop popcorn container on my head.jiffy pop
jiffy-pop-2-o

 

 

 

Then they wheeled me down the hall, which seemed to happen much too quickly, they got me positioned on the cutting board operating table and the anesthesiologist gave me oxygen and told me to take deep breaths, so I did.  Once my blood oxygen level was up to 100% He said I was going to take a little nap and that I would get a little metallic taste in my mouth and my arm that had the IV in it would start to get cold.

I’ve always been very intrigued with that time, that micro-second when you know you are going unconscious and you suddenly flip from being awake to being asleep.  No matter how hard you try, you are going to sleep.  Well, of course I had to try this time, too, so just as I started to feel my arm start to get cold I thought, “here it g……” and I woke up in the recovery room four hours later. 

I found out later that my surgeon had come out right after the surgery and talked to Mary, Mrs. Dragon, and told her that everything went fine,but it was a hard surgery.  I have a lot of arthritis and have very tight hips, so I’ll ask him when I see him at my first post-op appointment on the 5th of September.

They had me up and walking that afternoon, which I think is a bit much, but they seem to know what it is they are doing.

Tuesday-They had me up and walking again in the morning (where’s all this rest and relaxation that everyone tells me I’m supposed to get?) And then sent me home in the early afternoon.  Just a bit more than 24 hours after I got out of the operating room.

Well, that leads us to Wednesday and my first Physical Therapy appointment.  That was pretty easy.  The PT Lady gave me some home exercises t do, which I have been doing just like I’m supposed to. 

That brings us to today, Thursday. where I had my second physical therapy appointment and graduated to a cane.  I’m not using the walker anymore and everyone is astounded at the progress I’m making.  Well, everyone that is except Mary, who says she wouldn’t expect anything less.  She knows me too well.

So, now that I’m caught up, let’s laugh for a bit and as the next couple of days go through my fingers, onto the keyboard, I’ll let you know what else is happening in the world of Impish of the Borg!

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How to make a simple Soda Bottle Humane Mousetrap (that actually works!)  This is actually a pretty cool idea using a little bit of physics and some bits and bobs you have lying around the house.

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Ten things you didn’t know about a deck of cards…

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As the camera draws back from Impish, you can now see in the background the workings of, what appears to be, a real “Star Trek Style” bridge occupied by Borg crew members.

I have to say that I’m quite pleased with the way today’s header turned out.  It all stems from a comment made by my bestest bud, Lethal Leprechaun in a text message where I had made a personal comment that we don’t need to go into here and he replied:
Good!  Very happy to hear it…Impish of Borg. Open-mouthed smile
Nice!
$6K Dragon? (HMO wouldn’t pay more for your upgrades.  Went with lowest bidder)
Yeah.  I like Impish of The Borg better.

So, just a little tiny bit of insight into the actual workings of our company’s inner sanctum.  I hope you enjoyed it.  Trust me.  It gets a lot scarier than that!

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A couple of years ago, I was asked to arbitrate when our usual judge/arbitrator had to have some time off.  Some sort of breakdown is all I was told at the time, but after working with these two guys to try and come up with a solution to their problem, I understand EXACTLY what kind of a breakdown it was.  I am proud to say that I did come up with an equitable solution to almost all parties involved, but I figured you can’t please all the people all the time.  I am kind of surprised the Courts system never did invite me back for more substitution work.

Okay so … moving on….oh!  I’m sorry, is there a question in the back?

What kind of a solution did I work out?  Well, it was a very complex situation involving property that both men believed they held a very strong title to.  Ginny and Diaman, why are you whispering and shaking your heads?  I’m going to tell it the way it …

…yes I will.

…yes – I – will.

Okay, so…I’m sorry, you in the back, as to your question, “what kind of a solution did I work out? Anyway, as I was saying.  It was a complex situation involving something that both men deemed they owned.  A lovely work of art that was the pride of the county.  My first two solutions were turned down.  One, that they share it, switching back and forth every week or month or however they decided.  They said that they had tried that and whomever had possession of it when it came time to switch, didn’t want to give it up.  It has some magical properties that makes the owner want to keep it.  So, my second solution was reminiscent of King Solomon and I offered to split the painting in half giving each of them half the painting.  They were BOTH against that one and I must admit, I didn’t care for that solution myself since it would not only lose it’s magical properties, some of which were quite potent, but could, in the act of cutting it in half, let loose all that magic with quite a physical reaction.

So, in the end, I enacted the only viable solution left available.  I ate the two men.  Which was quite satisfactory to me and the townspeople who were happy to have a finish to the endless squabbling.

Where is the painting now? 

Well, it’s hanging in my office.  They didn’t need it any longer and my modest fee had never been paid, so….

Diaman and Ginny?  Why are you still shaking your head?

Well, I certainly thought it was a satisfactory solution!

It just goes to show you that no matter how hard you try, you can’t please everyone.

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To my children:
Never make fun of having to help me with computer stuff.  I had to teach you how to use a spoon!

 

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Vegetarians live up to 9 years longer than meat-eaters.  Nine horrible, worthless, baconless years!

 

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Another of our role-playing game nights.  I’ll let you try to figure out who everyone is.

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It’s the bar they walked into!  It’s not only the wrong type, it’s way too low!

Yes, I know I’m overstating the obvious.  No more gun shots from you guys!

So, let’s move on to another fascinating video.  This one is really neat.

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It doesn’t matter what species they are, kids just don’t listen!

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This is quite interesting and answers a question that I had about why some of my emojis from my phone (samsung) didn’t translate correctly to Mrs. Dragon’s phone (iphone)

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And since we’re doing the hell out of videos today, how about this amazing guy!

A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a TRUMP tee shirt, and two beers in front of him.

He does not have to be an Einstein, to know that this guy is a Republican.

So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican.”

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice.  This infuriates the union boss.

The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican.  As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican.  He continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”

The union boss once again, loudly orders drinks for, everyone except the Republican.

As before, this STILL doesn’t seem to bother the Republican who continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”

The union boss asks the bartender, “What the hell is the matter, with that Republican?  I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does, is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?”

“Nope,” replies the bartender, “he owns the place.”

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Well, I have a lot more I’d love to share with you, but I’m not sure this monster of an issue is going to upload as it is now.

So, let me just say that I deeply appreciate all of you and You’ll get more updates from me over the next couple of weeks.

Cheers!

Impish

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7 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1555

  1. Howard says:

    Glad the surgery went well. I hope the recovery goes even better. Just remember to follow the directions ( I know that’s hard for a dragon) and don’t try and over-do it.

    • impishdragon says:

      Howard, I should have just read up and answered all of your comments at the same time, but it’s actually been more fun this way…And there you go again with the “follow directions … (I know that’s hard for a dragon)” What, did you study compassion and bed-side-manner at the Lethal Leprechaun Charm School? You are fitting right in here. Thanks for the well wishes.

  2. Ginny. says:

    So very happy to hear the surgery went so well. Do take naps, but you can ususkk

    • impishdragon says:

      Ginny, taking naps is not a problem. Staying awake has been a bit problematic, but not napping. But, me being able to ususkk…I’m not sure if I can or if I ever have been able to ususkk. Is this some slang for some kinky sex act that you young kids are using nowadays?

      • Ginny. says:

        Hey the Minions have there own special language, I thought you would understand USUSKK….
        in New Jersey it means, while you are napping, your new hip will be massaged with none other than Taylor Ham…the kinky sex will follow after your nap as you go in search of the Taylor Ham.

      • impishdragon says:

        That seems like a horrible waste of the pork roll.
        Although, I can think of a lot of ways that Taylor Ham can be integrated with Kinky Sex.

      • Ginny. says:

        Your right I forgot to add with CHEESE and NJ hard roll.

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