Leprechaun Laughs # 406 for August 23rd 2017


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Well I don’t see any of you wearing excessively dark glasses and carrying with canes with red tips, so I’m going to assume your Eclipse viewing went well. If you missed it (like me who totally forgot about it due to other more pressing problems), take heart I understand there will be another one in 2024 viewable from the US. Provided of course any of us live that long.

OK I’m sure you’re all wondering about Impish and his surgery. I received a brief text from him round about the time of the Eclipse saying he was back in his room, still quite groggy but that all had gone well and he was fine. I told him to rest and take it easy and that I would text/talk with him on Tuesday. Since I’m uploading this on Monday afternoon, obviously this hasn’t occurred as yet. I will attempt a brief update post later on when I have significant information/news to share if I don’t have one before the issue actually post.

It’s my understanding that he will be making his regular Saturday issue posting, most likely from our medical facility where he will be under the dubious care of Dr. Nick for his immediate recovery.

In the mean while…

 

Blackbird

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When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor. (actually it was Paramedic but hey)

So I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.

One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters

PNEIS into the name of an important human body part

which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today.

“The rest of us are sending jokes via email!”

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With all the Heat Advisories and High UV Index warnings we’ve been getting of late, this might not be too far off the mark. Just how bad could it possibly be you ask? See for yourself!:

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Even our dogs are melting!

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PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS… [curtsey of Diamen]

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.   He  acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.  One hat said to the other: You stay here; I’ll go on a head.

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron.  The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

       No pun in ten did.

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I think the way things are going for me I might have to up the dosage soon too.

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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

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ITS A BOY” I shouted “A BOY, I DON’T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY”. And with tears streaming down my face I swore I’d never visit another Thai Brothel!

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Wife gets naked and asks hubby, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?’Hubby looks her up and down and replies, ‘Your sense of humor!’

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The wife’s back on the warpath again.

She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

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I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.

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Japanese man the same age will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese…

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A Correct Anthropological-Chronological History

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.

Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals. 2. Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly

BBQ’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the

Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men evolved into women.

Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like lite beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many Liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are Liberals … Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history. It should be noted that a

Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just piss off more liberals…

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self. I’m going to have another beer.

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Another one of those weird motorcycle riding outfit  photos. I wonder if it’s a Japanese motorcycle?

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Sorry but when I first saw the above picture this old joke (among other things) immediately popped into my head:

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?” He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a “recreational area” so close to a waste treatment facility.

Critter Cam 1

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Ninja Kitty Stealth Infiltration 101

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Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, “Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?”

Dr. Epstein replied, “Well, young man, no, it isn’t. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away.”

“Why haven’t you visited?” asked the desk clerk.

“Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I’ve been too ashamed to return.”

The clerk consoled him. “Sir, while I don’t have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn’t even remembered by others. I bet that’s true of your incident too.”

Dr. Epstein replied, “Son, I doubt that’s the case with my incident.”

“Was it a long time ago?”

“Yes, many years.”

The clerk asked, “Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?”

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About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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