Dragon Laffs #1554


Header1554

campers

Well, it’s time.
The day after tomorrow I will be in the hospital getting a right total hip arthroplasty.  Which is the doctor’s way of saying a total hip replacement.  In Air Force Maintenance Speak they are going to R2 my hip.  (R2 = Remove and Replace).
There is a pretty cool animation which shows what my problem is:

I know there are several of you out there who think that this is not my ONLY problem, but let’s continue.  We’re not speaking of psychiatric problems at this time.  We’ll save that for later.
Next, let’s talk about the surgery itself.  This is from the WebMD website:
Hip replacement surgery is a procedure in which a doctor surgically removes a painful (Yeah, I’ll say!) hip joint with arthritis
and replaces it with an artificial joint often made from metal and plastic components. (I’ll set off metal detectors all over the world!) It usually is done when all other treatment options have failed to provide adequate pain relief. The procedure should relieve a painful hip joint, making walking easier.
It damn well better!

What Happens During Hip Replacement Surgery?

Hip replacement surgery can be performed traditionally or by using what is considered a minimally-invasive technique. The main difference between the two procedures is the size of the incision.

During standard hip replacement surgery, you are given general anesthesia to relax your muscles and put you into a temporary deep sleep. This will prevent you from feeling any pain during the surgery or have any awareness of the procedure. A spinal anesthetic may be given to help prevent pain as an alternative.

The doctor will then make a cut along the side of the hip and move the muscles connected to the top of the thighbone to expose the hip joint. Next, the ball portion of the joint is removed by cutting the thighbone with a saw. Then an artificial joint is attached to the thighbone using either cement or a special material that allows the remaining bone to attach to the new joint.

The doctor then prepares the surface of the hipbone — removing any damaged cartilage — and attaches the replacement socket part to the hipbone. The new ball part of the thighbone is then inserted into the socket part of the hip. A drain may be put in to help drain any fluid. The doctor then reattaches the muscles and closes the incision.

If you’re interested, you can read the entire article here: http://www.webmd.com/osteoarthritis/guide/hip-replacement-surgery#1

There’s another cool animation showing the surgical procedure:

Now that doesn’t look so bad, does it?
<THUD!>

Hi Folks…or…um… Campers, this is Terrance Troll, looks like Impish is going to be … um … out of it for a little bit, so why don’t we get on with the rest of the issue and hopefully he can join us again shortly.

lets laugh

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Okay, so I slipped that one in while Impish was out.  Hee, Hee, Hee!

Dictionary Wannabes

Adult -A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Beauty Parlor -A place where women curl up and dye.
Chickens -The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Committee -A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Dust -Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Egotist -Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Handkerchief -Cold Storage.
Inflation -Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Mosquito -An insect that makes you like flies better.
Raisin -A grape with a sunburn.
Secret -Something you tell to one person at a time.
Skeleton -A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
Toothache -The pain that drives you to extraction.
Tomorrow -One of the greatest Labor saving devices of today.
Yawn -An honest opinion openly expressed.

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We’ve all been trapped inside an elevator or some other small enclosure with that person.

Newspaper Readership

Mark Twain —  “If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re misinformed.”

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison who used to run the state, & would like to do so again, as would their constituents that are currently free on bail.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

12. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

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I don’t want ANYONE getting any ideas!

dragon pics

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That’s me posing in front of that special building, whatever it is, done in tasteful gray coloring.

2930

You’re Getting Older When….

– You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
– You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.
– You enjoy watching the news.
– The phone rings and you hope its not for you.
– The only reason you’re still awake at 4 am is indigestion.
– People ask what color your hair USED to be.
– You’re proud of your lawnmower.
– Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn’t breaking any laws.
– You start singing along with the elevator music.
– You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
– Your car has four doors.
– You routinely check the oil in your car.
– And you have to have total hip arthroplasty.  (Dammit!)

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Teenagers have no idea that their parents used to be teenagers…with a lot more experience at the game.

fantasy

f2010121301

Waiting while your husband gets home from a bad day at work.

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I ain’t sayin’ nuthin’!  Having at one point in my life, been in the same position.

Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk.

Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?”

Kurt answered “I hunt unicorns.”

Paul was startled, but said “Really? How do you do that?”

Kurt replied, “I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around

in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.”

Paul said, “Boy, they must be hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.”

Kurt said “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!”

rimshot

2933

A man took his old duck to the Veterinarian, concerned because the duck wouldn’t eat.

The vet explained to the man that as ducks age, their upper bills grow down over their lower bills, and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it’s food. “What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down, even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck’s nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it’ll drown.”

The man goes about his business and about a week later the vet runs into his patient. “Well, how is that duck of yours?” the vet inquired.

“He’s dead.” declared the heartbroken man.

I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn’t he?” insisted the vet.

“No.” lamented the man. “I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise.”

2934

Politics

Oh no!  Let’s not!  Let’s just laugh at them!

1h

Truer words have not been spoken.

6a

6y

6z

Yeah, it sucks when your plans fall apart around your ears, don’t it?

Bastards!

2935

A man was visiting his elderly neighbor and was given a tour of his home.

In the den was a stuffed lion.

The neighbor asked, “When did you bag him?”

The old man said proudly, “That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.”

“What’s he stuffed with?” asked the neighbor.

“My ex-wife,” replied the old man.

2936

More truthful words.

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice. “I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.
The husband says nothing, he keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45 mph.
The wife speaks again. “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it.” She says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are.”
Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.
She pushes her luck. “I want the house.” She says insistently.
Up to 60 mph.
“I want the car, too,” she continues.
65mph.
“And,” she says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!”
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes her nervous, so she asks him, “Isn’t there anything you want?”
The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need,” he says.
“Oh, really,” she inquires, “so what have you got?”
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the husband turns to her and smiles. “The airbag!”

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motivate

1827111

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1827616

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Sharing…it’s a wonderful thing.

 

As I get older, I realize:
#1  –  I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.
#2  –  I consider “On Trend” to be the clothes that still fit.
#3  –  I don’t need anger management.  I need people to stop pissing me off.
#4  –  My people skills are just fine.  It’s my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5  –  The biggest lie I tell myself is, “I don’t need to write that down.  I’ll remember it.”
#6  –  I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.
#7  –  These days, “on time” is when I get there.
#8  –  Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
#9  –  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#10  –  Lately, I’ve noticed people my age are so much older than me.
#11  –  “Getting lucky” means walking into  a room and remembering why I’m there.
#12  –  When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment.  Now it feels like a mini vacation.
#13  –  Some days I have no idea what I’m doing out of bed.
#14  –  I thought growing old would take longer.
#15  –  Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn’t shut me up.
#16  –  I still haven’t learned to act my age.

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Well, that’s it for today folks.  I’m sure we’ll figure out a way to let you know how I’m doing. 

Got a million things to do before Monday.

Oh, one more thing…what’s the big deal with this eclipse thing?  So the moon will cast a shadow on the earth?  Big deal.  The moon is so small, way up in the sky, who’s even going to be able to see it’s shadow?

Love you all.

Cheers

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10 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1554

  1. Ginny. says:

    Excellent issue…..great jokes and just fun stuff. Good luck on Monday, this surgery is long over due. Let it take all your pain away and that you be skipping and dancing very soon.

    • impishdragon says:

      Well Ginny,
      I was never much for dancing and skipping BEFORE I started having problems, so if afterward I start getting that desire, than maybe it will work out to be a wonderful thing. LOL!

      • lethalleprechaun says:

        The only dancing I’ve ever seen you do Impish has been in front of the door to the little dragon’s room when it was closed for its daily power washing.
        As for skipping or hopping about, I think the last time was when you dropped that box of thumb tacks them stepped on the ones that got out of the box reaching for it.

      • impishdragon says:

        True enough Lethal, No singing, (I’ve been accused of a lot of things, but having a good singing voice isn’t one of them), no dancing (even in front of the little dragon’s room it was more of a painful wiggle than a dance) no skipping or hopping about, for any reason!
        But, I do hope to be able to walk for several miles at a time, stand and teach without pain, and have a somewhat reasonable approximation of my prior life.

      • lethalleprechaun says:

        “Reasonable”?!
        When has anything about you ever been “reasonable”?
        I thought if you looked in the Oxford English Dictionary under antonyms for the word reasonable was a photo of a dragon!

      • impishdragon says:

        There is and we are…although I think it’s a pretty good likeness of e, if I do say-so myself. And if I don’t say-so, ain’t nobody else gonna say-so.
        {Impish breaks into song}
        🎶No Body Knows
        The Trouble I’ve seen…🎶
        {🔉A loud alarm starts going off🔈}
        {Mrs. Dragon rushes into the room}
        “What the He‼️ He’s singing! He’s gone and taken too much medicine! Whose turn was it to watch him?
        {She slaps a huge piece of duct tape across his mouth and begins to wheel Impish out of the room. The poor dragon is starting to turn even bluer than normal because Mrs. Dragon “accidentally” covered his nose and mouth}
        Oh, stop struggling you big baby, it’ll only make you pass out faster.
        Impish has to go now. He’ll come back out to play later…

  2. Leah D says:

    Good luck with your hip surgery! On August 3, my husband fell off the back of his utility truck to the cement floor of the garage. He broke his hip and tore out his shoulder. Now he has rods and really did get screwed … as anyone can see in the xrays.
    He got out of the hospital yesterday. After being in Acute therapy for 11 days. He was hampered in therapy because he did not have his shoulder to help support him. Everyone kept saying those who had replacement had a much faster recovery.
    However, he is doing very well!

    • impishdragon says:

      Oh my goodness, Leah! I can’t imagine going through ANYTHING else with this hip replacement that I’m going through now. I swear, a friggin’ hangnail will push me over the edge of the precipice that I will never be able to recover from. My thoughts and prayers go out to you guys. May he get well very soon.

  3. Dale says:

    Good luck with your surgery!!!

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