I am a non-believer in all this global warming nonsense. Our planet goes through phases of being warmer and colder throughout its lifetime and that’s all we’re going through now.
This past two weeks we’ve had more storms and more flooding then we’ve ever had before and record high temperatures across the country. I’m writing this on Tuesday morning, well, starting it on Tuesday morning and I got like no sleep at all last night because of the incredible storms that were going on. We were literally surrounded by funnel clouds and tornadoes for most of the night. I had had a really rough day yesterday and I was asleep by about 6 pm.
At 730 pm, I was woke up by Izzy Dragon telling me that the tornado siren was going off. I told her and Mrs. Dragon to get ready to go to the basement while I checked things out, since I heard no rain or wind and the thunder was in the distance.
I went out back and searched the sky and the atmosphere was eerily calm. And there was a slight green tint to the clouds and I knew EXACTLY what that meant. While I was standing there, (actually hoping that this might be the time for my tornado picture!!) I checked the radar on my tablet and saw that we were, quite literally, surrounded by storms, but all we were getting was some sprinkles.
It didn’t stay that way all night, we got hit with some hard thunderstorms and because I’m a trained weather spotter, I’m connected up with their network and people were calling out funnel clouds all night long. But nothing in my neighborhood.
So, although I spent a mostly sleepless night in preparation to dash to the basement, I thank God that my family and I were protected and safe throughout.
Although on my way to work this morning, I did almost end up dead. But that’s another story…okay…okay…stop your yelling. I’ll tell it real quick. It’s not that big a deal. I come into work early while it’s still dark outside and I didn’t notice a flooded area across the road. I should have known better but blame a lack of sleep. Well, I hit this flooded spot across the road at about 45 mph, didn’t even have time to hit the brake. The road is just BARELY wide enough for two cars to pass each other. Anyway, hit the water, lost control, (lost a hubcap, but I didn’t find out about that until I got to work. It’s probably somewhere floating down the Wabash River by now) deep enough for the car to bounce off the ground a little bit and almost got washed off the side of the road, into a field with about a ten foot drop.
But I didn’t.
I drove out and continued on my merry way and only had to change my shorts when I got to work. Way too exciting of a day so far and it just started. So, before I go and start telling more stories, why don’t we get this issue started:
I want to know who remembers the last incident?
Okay, going back to weather again, this is WAY Cool!
And this is what Mike Olbinski has to say about his video:
Some fast one-liners:
Me: I really want to travel.
Bank Account: Like…to the backyard?
I have no screws loose…they’re all just twisted and bent.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but booze will double your vision.
You’re never too old to throw random shit in people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.
People say everything happens for a reason so when I punch you in the face, remember, I have a reason.
When butterflies get nervous, do they feel humans in their stomach?
SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!!!
Thanks to K2 for sending this next one
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
— Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Our own dear Ginny writes to us with some startling answers.
I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies”, and “Pampers”, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.
Well, here’s the lowdown on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv ‘em, Hug ‘em, and Pamper ‘em. When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will.
Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.
Thanks Ginny. That helps a lot!
This is our head of security dressed up for formal dinner.
This next one was sent to me by my Dad…which is important, as you’ll see at the end.
The Goldberg Brothers – The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner
Here’s a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 F degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 F degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off almost immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,’ on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
There was no way that Old man Ford was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show —
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max — on the controls.
Control yourself !
Just forward it on!!
This is what happens when you are retired and have too much time on your hands !
I guess there are guys out there who need that sort of device, but as you can tell by this next story, it’s probably not Lethal or me.
Impish Dragon and Lethal Leprechaun had been out at the local tavern and were walking back to their offices. This is back in the early years when their offices were kind of small and they didn’t have their own office tavern.
Anyway, being responsible drinkers they were walking rather than driving and as they crossed a bridge over the town’s river, the sound of running water and all the beer they had imbibed had its way with them and they both had to relieve their bladders. So, being late at night and a lonely road, the moved to the edge of the bridge proceeded to relieve themselves.
During the process, Lethal Leprechaun shivered a bit and said, “Damn, that water sure is cold!”
Impish Dragon responded, “I wouldn’t know about that. Us Dragons aren’t affected by the cold like you Leprechauns are, but I will say that the river sure is deep!”
Two guys, Cameron and Nyiko are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking beer.
Cameron turns to Nyiko and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college and sign up for some classes.” Nyiko agrees that it’s a good idea.
The next day, Cameron goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Cameron asks, “what’s that?”
The dean says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a lawnmower?”
“Then logically speaking, because you own a lawnmower, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house!”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”
“Yes, I do have a wife.”
“And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be heterosexual.”
“I am heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a lawnmower.”
Excited to take the class now, Cameron shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Nyiko at the bar. He tells Nyiko about his classes, how he has signed up for Math, English, History and Logic.
“Logic?” Nyiko says, “What’s that?”
“I’ll show you,” says Cameron. “Do you have a lawnmower?”
“Then you’re gay…..”
Yeah, I’ve had days like that.
This is too funny not to share.
Well folks, out of time for today. I hope you all have a fantastic weekend.