Dragon Laffs #1547


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As you approach the campground where you normally have Dragon Laffs on Saturday mornings, you begin to hear a low … noise.

You can’t really figure out what it is, almost a thrumming sound echoing in the area, almost to where you can feel it in the ground, like a low vibration. 

As you get close enough, you realize that it is a significant portion of the readership spread out over the campgrounds and they are all moaning.  But underneath it all is a low rumble that you soon realize is the very green looking blue dragon on his usual dais, curled up with his head on his tail and his wings pulled over his head trying to block out the sun, the  noise and the whole world, and the noise is his very low, continuous moan.

Diaman and Ginny are both bent over his tail, peeking under his wings with a bucket and a large spoon, almost a ladle, trying to get him to take what must be medicine.  Specifically, a concoction made up by Lethal Leprechaun, who is standing off to the side, speaking with a man in a white hospital jacket who you’ve seen before and believe is the company Vet. 

And speaking of the great green one, although you remember well him staying drink for drink with any and all comers, he is his normal spit and polish self, with, what looks to you, in your own hung-over gaze, to have an even brighter than normal gleam in his eye.

Lethal shakes the Vets hand, walks over to the two young ladies, takes the spoon away from Diaman, leans in, and then whispers something to Impish.  He then shoves the spoon roughly under the edge of the wings and you can see, even from your limited vantage point, that whatever was on the spoon is now gone.  He drops the utensil back into the bucket reaches to his belt line and you can hear a click as he switches on his microphone. 

The Leprechaun whispers softly, but strongly enough for all to hear, “Tis quite sorry I am to say this to most of you, I am, but the potion I have administered to the blue dunder-dragon, and the same one I have myself imbibed this beautiful post Independence Day, only works for mythological creatures.  It doesn’t work as well on dragons as it does on us more intelligent mythos, but our big blue friend should be well enough momentarily to get things started.  Any of the rest of you mythologicals can line up with our two fair maidens, Diaman and Ginny, and get a taste of the hair-of-the-dog.  Ah, and here is our laconic lizard now.”

Lethal reaches back down to his belt-line to shut off his mic as the deeper than usual rumbling of Impish Dragon’s voice comes scratching from the speakers, “Good Morning Campers.  Today’s issue will be brought to you, quite quietly, in just a moment.  I’d like to make a couple of announcements first.”

First of all, whoever left the blowup doll in the cavern swimming pool, please remove it immediately.  As you may remember, there is an event there with our employees children that is supposed to start…Diaman, what time is it? … Oh crap, it’s due to start right now!  Okay, I’m being told that the situation has been taken care of and I’m supposed to change this announcement to say that the owner of the blowup doll can retrieve it from Paul who, after donning protective equipment, has retrieved it from the pool prior to the little-ones showing up.  I also understand that the pool had an extra dose of chlorine for safety’s sake.

Second…oh hell, I don’t know what is second, let’s just get this show on the road…but quietly!

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Seems as though I’m not the only one who’s been having crappy weather lately:

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Yup, that would be enough for me!

Is this the future?  It’s called “Gordon’s Pizza”

– Hello! Gordon’s pizza?

– No sir this is Google’s pizza.

– Sorry, I must have dialed a wrong number?

– No sir, Google bought out Gordon’s Pizza a short while ago.

– OK. Take my order please.

– OK sir, would you like your usual?”

– The usual? You know me?

– According to our caller-ID database, your last 12 orders were for pizza with cheese and sausage toppings, thick crust and crisp.

– OK! That’s it…

– May I suggest this time you add ricotta, arugula with dry tomato toppings?

– What? I hate vegetables.

– Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”

– How do you know that?

– We cross-matched your phone number with your name and your online medical portal. We have the result of your blood tests for the past 7 years.

– Okay, but I do not want those toppings, I already take medicine …

– Excuse me, but you have not taken your medicine regularly.  We can see from our database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at CVS.

– I bought more from another pharmacy.

– Such a transaction is not showing in your credit card account.

– I paid in cash.

– But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your recent bank statement.

– I have another source of cash.

– That is not showing as per your latest tax return unless you obtained it from an undeclared income source.

WHAT THE…..

– “I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

– Enough! I’m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp. I’m going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to spy on me.

– “I understand sir but you’ll need to renew your passport first as it expired 6 weeks ago! 

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Now THAT’S Funny!

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We are in for a special treat this morning.  We have TWO dragon pics.  One drawn by my own little grand-daughter and one by Izzy dragon.  They were both drawn this morning and they are both supposed to be pictures of me and how I looked this morning.  I haven’t seen them yet either, so it will be a surprise for all of us.

First, from my little grand-daughter:
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OUCH!  I’m almost afraid to see this next one…it’s a charcoal drawing by Izzy and I’m actually looking forward to this, she’s quite a good artist:
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Oh, ouch again.  Well, it’s accurate. 

(Now, before the real artists of these two pictures tries to sue me for stealing your wonderful drawings, it was part of a JOKE!  I know my two girls didn’t draw them.  A JOKE!)

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God, that was awful!!!!

So, this seems like a good place to tell another story.

You remember last time when I told you about how Izzy and I “built bombs” and the teacher went ballistic and wanted to call the FBI, but the principal and I had talked prior to that and it was all good?

Well, this is that story…the story of the week before.

Mrs. Dragon and I were sitting down watching a movie, one of those Bruce Willis, blow up the bank tower thingies.  In other words, an “R” Rated movie.  Definitely not suitable for a little girl who’s still in kindergarten.

Anyway, the Izzy Dragon had been down the hall, playing in her room for the whole thing.  She was being GREAT!  The perfect little angel.

Then, with about ten minutes left in the movie, right at the climax, our toddles my little dragon.  So, of course, the first thing I do is pause the movie.

She says, “I’m bored.  Can we watch _____” and you can fill in the blank with The Lion King, or Cinderella or something.

Anyway, I said, “Sure honey, just as soon as mommy and daddy finish our movie, we can watch whatever you want.  It’s almost over.  About ten minutes.”

And she says okay and promptly plops herself down on the couch and of course daddy says, “oh, no, no!  You need to go back to your room and play for just a few minutes until we call you.”

And this inquisitive little girl responds with, “Why can’t I watch your movie?”

So, thinking fast, I say, “well darling, see there are movies for kids and movies for mommies and daddies and kids are only allowed to watch kid movies.”

This brilliant kid comes back with, “Oh, Okay.  I get it.  There are kid movies and adult movies.”

And I thought, THIS IS AWESOME.  This little kindergartener picked up on that differential really fast!  I’m so impressed!

And I stayed impressed all the way to the next day when, apparently, when she was asked what she did all weekend, her reply was, “Mommy and Daddy spent the weekend watching adult movies.”

So yeah, by the time it got around to the picture of her in a bomb vest, her teacher was already convinced that I was THE WORST PARENT of all time!”

At least the principal and I got a good laugh out of it.

So, tune in next time to hear ANOTHER story from my past.  Now, back to your regularly scheduled E-Zine, already in progress.

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And…..smile!

 

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“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.

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Okay, I need one of these signs!
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We’ve been having a lot of conversations around here lately about the legalization of marijuana and it’s health effects on people with pain…like me.  Sadly, Indiana sits so tightly in the bible belt that it won’t be my lifetime that sees them loosening up.  I can just imagine things like this coming up:
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Memo:
FROM: Impish Dragon
TO: Lethal Leprechaun
SUBJECT: Mission 16.26A

Lethal.  I think I found him.  Merlin’s kid.  The one we’ve been looking for for the past 1400 years or so.  I even have video proof:

Stupid of him to be on such an obvious show … although with it’s losing ratings, maybe he thought he could get away with it.  He’s always been a show off and a huge fan of his own talents.

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So, the weekend was pretty exciting for me.  Mrs. Dragon and I needed to go to her Dad’s house and pick up some stuff she had kind of inherited from her Aunt and Uncle.  The primary bits were an antique dresser and a brand-new (never taken out of the box) power washer. 

Well, it’s not like we own a truck.  We have one vehicle and it’s an eleven-year-old (paid-off) Dodge Stratus with just a bit over 100,000 (paid-off) miles.  It’s actually (paid-off) a good little car, although it’s (paid-off) beginning to show a little (paid-off) wear-and-tear, but it still gets me (paid-off) back and forth to work.  But do you want to know the very best part about this car?  It’s friggin’ PAID OFF!!! 

So when we moved to the new house two years ago, I paid to have a tow bar on the back of the car, even though I don’t own a trailer, I had one I could borrow.  But, I couldn’t borrow it this weekend because it wasn’t available.  So, how was I going to get the dresser  home?Untitled-01

I bought this cool little rack for the car that goes on the trailer hitch:

 

 

 

 

Well, of course, I’ve never used it before and just because it says it can hold up to 500 lbs doesn’t mean it really CAN hold 500 lbs and maybe my little old car CAN’T hold 500 lbs and, even if it can, would it be able to last the whole 2 hours, and… well, you get the idea.  Besides, I had no idea how big the dresser was or anything.

So, we head south and relax and listen to the Bob and Sheri show on podcast. 

One of the coolest places we pass on the way is a HUGE…I mean GINORMOUS(!) windmill farm.  It goes on for miles and miles, as far as the eye can see, on both sides of the road near Leisure, Indiana.
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Anyway, long story short, we got to Dad’s house and got the stuff:20170701_125311

And it fit on the rack just wonderfully.

On the way back north, we stopped at an authentic Italian Restaurant that’s owned by a friend of Mrs. Dragons from High School named Christi.  That’s the friend’s name, not the name of the restaurant.  The restaurant is called:
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That says Kinsey’s if you couldn’t tell.  Someone made up that picture with pictures of pictures who’s shapes spell out their name.  The food was, and always has been outstanding

You can seriously look them up right now on Yelp and see that Kinsey’s Italian Café at 6383 West Broadway, McCordsville, IN (46055) has a 4 star rating! 

I had the Panzerotti, which is calzone with extra pepperoni and sausage:

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It may not look like it in the picture, but this calzone is HUGE!  More than I could eat and truly a taste experience!

Mrs. Dragon had the chicken parmesan sandwich.  She had it with light sauce (which I don’t understand, but to each his own) and was able to finish only about 1/3!
20170701_143750 Needless to say, we were both very excited since we ended up with a total of 3 more meals out of our visit. One more for me and two more for her.  We had an awesome experience!

Oh, and one more thing…gasoline around here has been about $2.25 to $2.35 a gallon for a while now.  While 20170702_140658.jpgadown south, I started seeing signs for gas at $2.01 and $2.05, but when I saw … well, you won’t believe me unless I show it to you.  I HAD to take a picture of the receipt or even I wouldn’t believe it!

That’s right!  That says $1.93 a gallon!  I haven’t seen that low a price since … well … for a really long time!

And I know, there are probably a lot of you out there that are paying that or less right now, but not around here!

So, that’s the end of my weekend adventure.  I hope you enjoyed experiencing it with me.

Now, let’s go get some more laughs before we have to call it a day!

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Breaking News

According to BBC News… Muslim suicide bombers in Great Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.   The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut next month from 72 to 54. A spokesman claimed increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.   The suicide bombers’ union B.O.O.M, (British Organization of Occupational Martyrs) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this, is like a kick in the arse.”   Speaking from his shed in Birmingham in the Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, “I sympathize with our workers’ concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. “Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don’t like cutting benefits but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”   Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle upon Tyne in the North East of England, Liverpool, Glasgow, Belfast in Northern Ireland, Swansea in South Wales, New Zealand, and the entire Australian territory stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are no virgins in their areas anyway.   According to some industry sources, at least part of the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scotland’s singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit package.   This could EASILY be me and Mrs. Dragon!!!! FB_IMG_1488296598011

My husband cut himself and was treated in the emergency room.
 
Afterwards, he returned to the waiting room and I asked what kind of follow-up the doctor had prescribed.

With a totally straight face, he read from the printed sheet, “Take it easy, be waited on, and have sex at least twice a day.”

At that, another man sitting nearby jumped up and exclaimed, “Whatever he’s got, I want it!”

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A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.
 
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
 
She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer, and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and he has no experience with women.
 
They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other.
 
Eventually they end up getting married.
 
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
 
“What happened?” she asks.
 
“I’ve never been with a woman” he says, “But if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”

 

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This next video is a kind of self-help/how-to video called:  How To Put On A Bra

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Well campers, it’s time for us to go get to the park for the fireworks, so I’m going to end this here.  I’ll see you again soon on Saturday!

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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