I’m not in a creative or humorous mood at the moment so please excuse me.

Molly’s bathroom has been torn apart since Friday May 5th when they came to repair the ceiling damage from repeated A/C and Water leaks from the shower in apartment above ours.

The basic problem now is since the reoriented the A/C unit to allow for replacing the access hatch the damned thing hasn’t gone a day without leaking condensate all over the floor!

Last Friday, after numerous repair attempts they finally replaced the coil and blower units essentially giving me an brand new interior side to the system. I was assured this would completely stop the leaks as it had working in two other cases where they had nagging leaks they could not correct.

At 05:30 on Saturday morning I was awoken by the sound of water dripping in the master bedroom!  As you can imagine this got me up fast to discover water dripping from the vent onto the low chest of drawers opposite my side of the bed. As I scrambled to get the drip bowl from Molly’s bathroom to contain this leak I watched it start pouring out the A/C hatch again and was forced to place the bowl there where the water leak was worse.

Fortunately for me, shutting down the A/C stopped the flow of condensate from the duct in our Master Bedroom and there was not a lot of it to clean up. This is where I made a serious mistake, I was a nice guy and didn’t call this in as an Emergency at 05:30.

Instead I went back to bed and grabbed a 2 hour cat nap (waking every 20 minutes to listen for water dripping sounds) and called the Emergency line at 07:45. No response. 08:45 I call again leave another message this one much more pointed about things and asking someone at least acknowledge my calls. No response.

10 AM I’m calling the office (the open late on Saturday) no answer. I call every 10 minutes.  Finally at 10:30 the phone gets answered by the Manager who tells me both the Property Management Office and Maintenance have receive both my calls and that the Maintenance Manager has been working on emergencies since 6 AM and anticipates getting to me in another 30 to 40 minutes!

Of course I cannot get a direct/decent answer about why nobody could be bothered to even text me an acknowledgement of my Emergency Maintenance Request instead of leaving me hanging.

Mean while here I sit pissed off, sans A/C watching the mercury and humidity climb unable to leave to do what I had planned today waiting for Maintenance to come for the 6th time to address this issue!

THAT is why 2 tanks of Guinness isn’t going to be enough.

Right now I don’t think there is enough coffee in the world to protect the Maintenance crew from me.

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America, we call this a hug”.

She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too.”

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call this a kiss”.

She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too.”

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, “In America, we call this a grass sandwich”.

She says, “Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.”

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After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

“C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”

“Baby,” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit”.

Kim promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

“Okay,” he said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you – nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..”

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A penguin is driving through Arizona (as they do) on a hot summer’s day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it’s leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it.

The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk.

He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he’s a penguin and it’s Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream.

Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth-a total mess.

He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, “Did you find out what is wrong with my car?”

The mechanic replies, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.”

“No no,” says the penguin. “It’s just ice cream!”

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Molly recently sent me this:

I said “Okay, but it’s going to look a little weird on a ring for your birthday honey.”

IRS pencil sharpener

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday.

She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, “Excuse me, sir.  Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.  It’s a good all-around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.  I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes gas.  At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.

Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.

She didn’t say a thing…..just paid the bill !!!!!!

Lexophilia

“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.”

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.

This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.

… When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

… A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

… When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

… The batteries were given out free of charge.

… A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

… A will is a dead giveaway.

… With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

… A boiled egg is hard to beat.

… When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

… Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

… Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

… A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

… When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

… The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

… He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

… When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

… Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

… Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

Stolen Weapon Found During Search At Tennessee Jail

The comments posted by readers following the story are as funny as the story itself…

Loaded Gun Hidden In Suspects Vagina

APRIL 22 — A 19-year-old Tennessee woman had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina when she was brought into jail yesterday afternoon following a collar for driving with a suspended license, police report.

As Dallas Archer was being booked into the Kingsport jail, a female corrections officer alerted to an unknown object in the teenagers crotch during a search.

The jailer and a female cop then accompanied Archer to a bathroom for further examination, a review that led to the recovery of a North American Arms 22 LR revolver (loaded) which Ms. Dallas had concealed in her vagina, according to a Kingsport Police Department report.

A subsequent check revealed that the five-shot mini-revolver–which is four inches in length–had been stolen from an auto burglary in 2013. The handgun, which police valued at $250, is owned by John Souther, a 70-year-old retired car salesman.

In a TSG interview, Souther said that the gun was taken from his 1994 Mustang, which was ransacked last year while parked in his Kingsport carport. Souther said that police told him that the revolver had been recovered, but offered no further details. When told where the gun had been stashed, Souther said, Oh, gosh. He noted that he would eventually like the little fellow returned, but added that the weapon would require a bath in bleach.

News of the weapon in Archers vagina was first reported by the Kingsport Times-News.

Archer was charged with gun possession and introducing contraband into a penal facility.

According to a jail official, Archer was released from custody after posting $6000 bond.

AND NOW THE READER RESPONSES

1. I thought it was her gun. Turns out it was snatched!

2. Gives new meaning to a gun having a ‘hair trigger’.

3. Happiness is a warm gun?

4. At four inches in length it comes off as half cocked…

5. “For sale AA22LR never used; still in the box.”

6. Report reads, ” … Introducing contraband into a penal facility.” Shouldn’t that be ‘penile’ facility?

7. If it went off, could you call it her ‘boom box’?

-. Remember: Every vagina is to be treated as if it is loaded. Always keep it pointed in a safe direction.

9. They say it was a gun, but something smells fishy.

10. You can have my gun when you can pry it from my cold, stinking…

11. Oh my … accident waiting to happen. Could ‘shoot the beaver’.

12. I have heard of shooting your mouth off, but this takes on a “hole” new meaning…

13. Complete reversal on the classic, “Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”

14. I wonder if she had ‘gun-areah’?

15. Gives a whole new meaning to “Vaginal Discharge”…

16. Do you suppose she had a ‘rectal reloader’?

17. A gun in hand is worth 2 in the bush?

1-. Figures … it uses ‘rim shot’ ammo.

19. This supports the Big Bang theory.

Well this either brings the term ‘goosing’ to a whole new level entirely or the police have gotten really creative in their methods for searching for concealed objects in women!

Them damned Thai Chili Pepper will do it to you every time! It’s either that or he’s power washing his colon on the world largest public bidet!

As I was lying in bed last night pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don’t really give a rat’s rear. It’s the tortoise life for me!

1 … If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2 … A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3 … A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4 … A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 45- years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so.

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Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day?

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire…

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

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Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don’t fret about it…

She moved in with me.

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Looking back over the years that we’ve been together,

I can’t help but wonder…

‘What the hell was I thinking?’

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Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

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How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

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I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

After having met you…

I’ve changed my mind.

==========

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

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As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…

That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

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Congratulations on your promotion…

Before you go…

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You’ll probably need it again.

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Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia )

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Happy birthday! You look great for your age…

Almost Lifelike!

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When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.

Now that we’ve broken up,

I think it’s time you kept your promise.

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We have been friends for a very long time. let’s say we stop?

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I’m so miserable without you it’s almost like you’re here.

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Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

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Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.

So we’re having you put to sleep.

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So your daughter’s a hooker, and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side, it’s really good pay!

My guess is it’s a sure fire cure for tailgating semis