Dragon Laffs #1516


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campers

Well, it’s been over a week since Thanksgiving and I think we are just about out of turkey.5  Not that I don’t just love turkey.  If you haven’t figured it out by now it is one of my most favorite dishes of all time.  That’s one of the reasons it’s so easy for Lethal to black mail ….. sorry …. I mean motivate me with it.

It’s been a pretty boring week as far as everything goes. 

No dart matches (we have a bye week); no doctor appointments; no days off;

sigh

I can’t wait for the Christmas holidays to get here.  Above and beyond the fact that I just love Christmas, I’m taking a couple of days off.

Anyway, since I really don’t have anything to report, why don’t we just…

lets laugh2366No kidding.  We didn’t get grounded from anything.  Well, I take that back.  We got grounded – not allowed to go out and play, but that was AFTER the Ass Whoopin’!

Just a quick note here…K2 sent me a little list entitled The Top Ten Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex.  I’ll save the actual joke for next year’s Halloween Issue, but I just have one comment:  Karl, if you think Trick or Treating is better than sex, then you ain’t doin’ it right!

2367

 

I know it’s a little early in the issue for this, but as a news reporting organization, as well as poking fun at said news, we have to report it when we get it. Therefore:

Breaking News

BBC News – Suicide Bombers Go On Strike!
 

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with ISIS have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when ISIS announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54.  A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bang told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.  We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the groin”.
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, ISIS chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, “I sympathize with our workers concerns but ISIS is simply not in a position to meet their demands.  They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.  Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife  It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off.  I don’t like cutting benefits but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would

not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of American Democrat Hillary Clinton. 

Many Muslim Jihadists, after seeing a picture of her, believe she must be a virgin, and have reconsidered their benefit package.

This report was sent in by our man in the street, Papa Dragon Most Senior.  Thanks Dad!

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The ABC’s of Marriage

 

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!”

She beamed at him happily and said: “Oh, that’s so lovely! But what about I, J and K?”

I’m Just Kidding!

(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).

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dragon pics

1a

It’s amazing to me that so many of our graduates from DL&LL University want their pictures taken with one of the co-founders.

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Yes, I know you should’ve been warned beforehand about this groaner, but it just came on so quickly, I never had the chance.

Paul sent in this next list, which is actually quite interesting and yes, I did check (somewhat) the veracity of this list.

11 THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT COCA-COLA

 
can of coca cola

Atlantans live in the hometown of the world’s best-known brand: Coca-Cola. That sweet, zingy soda pop will never lose a Pepsi Challenge inside the perimeter (especially with whiskey). That being said, there’s probably a lot you still don’t know about the elixir created by John Pemberton, commodified by Asa Griggs Candler, and consumed by everybody that’s ever lived. Crack a bottle and catch up on some lesser-known Coke facts.

Keanu Reeves owes his acting career to Coke 

Back before he was Ted, Neo, Sad Keanu, or the homeless guy in Poetic Justice (seriously),keanu-reeves he was in a Coke commercial. His character participates in a cycling race, comes in second, and reacts to his proud dad offering him ATL’s favorite soft drink by saying, “A Coke!,” (in a very Steven-Avery’s-nephew-like way). His last line — “My DAD!” — comes after someone asks who trained him (to come in second). But somehow it all seems lovingly doofus-y, meaning “very Keanu”, and thanks to the work that came after this break, he’s now rich and famous enough to buy the world a Coke.

Coke is a tasty way to stop an asthma attack 

cokeYour prescription inhaler is probably the best method for counteracting chronic breathing problems. But if it’s not handy — or even if it is — Coke tastes way better! Caffeine has been found to open the airways when asthmatics are wheezing or otherwise having trouble getting air. And since each 12oz can has 34mg of the hype, you have an excuse to keep chugging until you catch your second wind.

Coke’s stock has more than doubled in the last 10 years 

As beverage options have broadened and the market for drinkable liquids has expanded into things we didn’t even know could be ingested, The Coca-Cola Company has diversifiedcoca-cola-stock to include some level of ownership in a lot of your other favorite brands. Do you like Keurig, Odwalla or Simply Orange? So does Coke, and they know you love all four, because they have the receipts. Therefore, a $20 share in 2006 is worth around $45 today, at least at press time. It might be a good time to buy, since Coke’s likely going to Cuba soon, but that’s just what Fidel Castro tells us, and you know how he is with money.

Coke invented Santa Claus 

If you know St. Nicholas as a plump, white-haired, long-bearded member of the Bloods, santa on cans of cokeyou have been watching way too many episodes of Gangland. Santa likes to wear red because it was a fashion trait he was given by an artist named Haddon Sundblom, who was commissioned by Coke to draw him that way for the first time ever. Sure, St. Nick “existed,” but it was a Coke ad that cemented the image we’ve come to accept. The real question is, would Santa wear blue if Pepsi got to him first?

Coke owns Georgia coke2

That’s not just a clever double entendre. Coca-Cola has a line of canned Japanese coffee beverages named “Georgia,” named after our state. Since 2009, it’s been available here in the US, but only in Asian supermarkets.

Coke money basically built Downtown Chattanooga 

coke3ATL’s Georgia Aquarium was inspired by Chattanooga’s Tennessee Aquarium, which was built a few years prior and sits on the edge of the Tennessee River, next to the Tennessee Riverwalk, not far from the University of Tennessee in Chattanooga. These projects began and were helped greatly by the more than $50 million in funding support from John T. Lupton II, whose grandfather founded the JTL Corporation, which got the exclusive rights to bottle Coca-Cola from Asa Candler… for $1… in 1899.

Coke may or may not have a tiny bit of alcohol in it 

You’ll drown before getting a buzz from Coke — it’s still very much classified as a non-coca cola cocktailsalcoholic beverage. Still, Huffington Post published a story in 2012, quoting research from the National Institute of Consumption (it’s French), that said that Coke and 18 other popular soft drink brands were 0.001% alcohol per liter. Coke says the alcohol could possibly come from one of its secret ingredients, but one of the company’s websites says “alcohol is not added as an ingredient and no fermentation takes place.”

New Coke was actually a big money maker for Coke 

You may be too young to remember “New Coke,” but it was a remixed, sweetened version of the original Coke recipe that everybody already loved, which they got rid of entirely to launch the update. Let’s just say it got old quickly and has been known as one of the coke4biggest marketing failures of all time. However, in the six months after the company killed the New and brought back the Classic, sales went through the roof, more than doubling Pepsi’s sales during the same period. (So, basically “New Coke” was a huge success after it was dumped.  Hmm, you know, there’s a connection there with real life.  Start off by giving your best work, then start giving crappy work, then, when you get back to your best again, it looks even BETTER than before and you’ll get even more rewards for the same thing you’ve done all along.  I really need to think about that. ~ LOL!) THEN Coke released Coca-Cola Cherry right after, which was simply pure genius.

Factory error Coke cans sell for thousands cokecan

This fact is somewhere between the “Perri-Air” from Spaceballs and the ultimate win for whoever actually reaches for a Coke when they have asthma. Every once in awhile, a Coke can is accidentally sealed without anything inside but air. If you happen to find one of these, you can quickly make up to $10K — judging by past and current eBay auctions. Hopefully you never found one and cursed out your gas station clerk after returning it for a refund.

Kim Jong Un gets no Coke 

At one time there were only two countries in the world where you couldn’t buy Coca-Cola: kim jong unCuba and North Korea. And even then, as anybody who’s ever smoked a Cuban cigar can tell you, it wasn’t that hard in CastroLand. But now that we’re friends again, it’s only the so-called Hermit Kingdom that can’t drink from the fountain of the world’s biggest brand. Maybe stop firing off so many random missiles, dude.

Coke pumps from the heart of Mexico’s former president coke5

Before Vicente Fox rose to the height of political power in his country, he was a Harvard business school grad driving a Coke delivery truck. He stuck it out and rose through the ranks to run Coke in Mexico (and ultimately all of Latin America), presiding over the company at a coke6time when it became Mexico’s top-selling soft drink. He even married a Coke receptionist.

Not really sure what the last picture on the right has to do with Vicente Fox and Coke, but that is what I got when I did a Google search.   There is a legend that the coke bottle was shaped after the figure of a woman and these last two  pictures go a long way to disproving that myth.

Okay, so you get a warning for this one…
groan a

2374

movie

The world’s shortest train.  This is hilarious.  Pay attention, it goes by fast.

 

Okay, all I can say about this next one is that he is FRIGGIN’ CRAZY!!!!

Yeah, think I’ll go ahead and pass on the bridge ride.

 

Politics

You wouldn’t think that there would be a lot of political cartoons published right after the election, but you’d be wrong.  I think there are at least as many, if not more than before the election.  Let’s check out a few.

4c

You say that like there’s something wrong with that.

4d

Yeah, that’s another whole topic.  But, it does lead nicely into a little poem that Diaman sent in.

The election is over, the talking is done.
Your party lost, my party won.
So let us be friends, let arguments pass
I’ll hug my elephant,  you kiss your ass!

So it’s cute.  Not very subtle, but cute.

4e

4f

I’m not sure Miley can spell “Women’s Dignity” much less recognize it.

4g

That’s pretty true.  None of the people that I know have ever done anything like that.

2376

Yup.  That’s me.

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fantasy

f2010071903

Every day, before their shifts start, the security personnel get together and limber up for their shifts.  It’s just another one of those special little things that make DL&LL Media a favored and sought after employer.  And yes, they are on the clock when they warm up.

2379

It’s like the old joke about being involved in something and being committed to something.  For instance, let’s take the subject “Breakfast”.
You have eggs and sausage or bacon.
In this example the chicken is involved but the pig is committed.

Ginny sent this story in from a friend of hers.

For most people, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on what we’ve been
given and savor the scents of crisp autumn days and pumpkin pie.

For me, a woman, it’s a little more complicated.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked
her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

“What did you do today?” I asked.

She couldn’t wait to tell me. “We learned that boys are different from girls,” she chirped.

Looking into the rearview mirror, I could just see the top of her head. “My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don’t,” she added.

“Well, yes they do..” I said cautiously. I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment.

Then she piped up again. “That’s how girls know that boys are boys,”
she said. “They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he
is a boy.”

I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute
already felt like an hour.

“Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?”

My palms were beginning to sweat. “Um…well…”

I was still searching for something new to say, to change the
subject, when she asked, “Why do the girls like the boys to have
those things?”

Well I didn’t know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn’t asked
herself that question at least once? “Oh, well…um…” I stammered.

She didn’t wait for my answer. She had her own. “It’s cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that’s when they know they are boys and that’s when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked.”

That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had
a pretty good grasp on things.

As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out
of the car, fishing something out of her school bag. “I drew a picture,” she said. “Do you want to see?”

I wasn’t sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down.

There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the
ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that  female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud.

She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it – and I did – she got over her pique.

That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I’m not so lucky.

Every year I remember that conversation and to be honest, I haven’t looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.

2380

I can vouch for that.  I’ve worked with a lot of different departments that handle HazMat in one form or another and some of them REALLY take their jobs WAY TOO seriously.

This one was sent in by Papa Dragon Most Senior.  Most excellently said:

A guy looked at my Corvette the other day and said I wonder how many people could have been fed for the money that sports car cost.

I replied I am not sure, it fed a lot of families in Bowling Green, Kentucky who built it, it fed the people who make the tires, it fed the people who made the components that went into it, it fed the people in the copper mine who mined the copper for the wires, it fed people in Decatur IL. at Caterpillar who make the trucks that haul the copper ore.

It fed the trucking people who hauled it from the plant to the dealer and fed the people working at the dealership and their families. BUT,… I have to admit, I guess I really don’t know how many people it fed.

That is the difference between capitalism and welfare mentality. When you buy something, you put money in people’s pockets, and give them dignity for their skills.

When you give someone something for nothing, you rob them of their dignity and self worth.

Capitalism is freely giving your money in exchange for something of value.

Socialism is taking your money against your will and shoving something down your throat that you never asked for….

2381

Critter

a89

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That dog’s got to belong to only one of two people that I can think of …
Donald Trump
or…
Lethal Leprechaun
I’m sure you can figure out why.

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2382

 

There is nobody … NOBODY …. who could turn that away if it came out to the table and you were told it was a salad!

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: “Unfortunately, there’s only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly took off her top and said: “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: “OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Dolly was outraged and asked, “What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”

“Sorry, Dolly,” said the Angel, “but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are.”

2383

Well, this Jersey Boy would never DREAM of retiring and moving to Florida or …
…excuse me!
Yes, you there standing up, we’re not ready  to ….
What do you mean that I’m wrong?!  You do realize this is my stage, right?
You mean to tell me that, “because I’m from Jersey I HAVE to retire to Florida?  A rule BOOK!!
Okay, so show me the book.



Okay, so I am wrong.  It is a rule that ANYONE from New Jersey who retires MUST go to Florida.
I’m so fucked.

2384You know…that’s absolutely true!

motivateCautionOh, I hope so!

if you heard

medical porn

Medical Porn?  I mean, I’ve got this thing for nurses, but somehow, I don’t think that’s what they’re talking about.

mediocrity

Mensa

2385

Yup, I’ve had that kind of a day, too.

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.
  
   One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
  
   He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.
  
   He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all. He started thinking, “What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself?
 
   I still have one good arm to do things with.” He thought, “There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and  going on with  his life.”
  
   He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms  and felt useless and was going to kill himself.
 
   He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began  dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
 
   He asked, “Why are you so happy anyway?”
 
   He said, “I’m NOT happy.
 
   My balls itch.”
 
Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eye.

2386

Lethal?  Why did I find these in my jerky locker?

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And that, my dear campers, is that.  It’s passed my bedtime and I have to work all weekend.  I hope you all have a great weekend.

Cheers

impish dragon

live love laugh

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1516

  1. Maggie Culligan says:

    My Big Blue Fella,,
    I have to absolutely agree with Ms Ginny,, a great issue and kudos to Papa Dragon for the news bit,, just about fell of the chair reading it. Keep up the great work.
    Maggie

  2. Ginny says:

    Please tell Papa Dragon Most Senior I just adored the news article about Suicide Bombers. It’s amazing how you take “a little of this and a little that” and put out such a fantastic issue. You and your brother from another mother (Lethal),,,add so much joy and laughter to our lives each week.

    • impishdragon says:

      Thank you Ginny’s, for those very kind words. I’ll let Papa Dragon know. Although he has so many important things going on as senior dragon, I’ll have to make a special appointment with him. But, I’m sure he’ll be very happy to hear how much you appreciate his news gsthering.

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